Held up by many as the Worst Movie Ever Made (though the twelve people who saw Mariah Carey's 'Glitter' may strenuously disagree) Ed Wood's classic has endured so long because of the fine performances of Vampira, Dudley Manlove, and of course, Tor Johnson, the Swedish wrestler and hulking tower of flesh who turns in his best work as Inspector Dan Clay, a hulking tower of flesh.

Imagine you are wandering through a lonely graveyard when a wild-eyed man in a cheap suit tackles you and when you escape, tries to eat your brother.

Just a typical encounter with Nick Nolte? Or have you entered a reality far more dark and terrifying than that? (Not that any encounter with Nick Nolte should be taken lightly) Yes, my friend, prepare yourself for a Night of the Living Dead!* *Please note that the "Night of the Living Dead" actually starts well before twilight and doesn't end until late morning of the next day, so prepare yourself for a "Night of the Living Dead Plus a Few Hours on Either End."

This is it – the best movie ever made about a world-famous bouncer and his epic struggle with the evil owner of the local J.C. Penney. Patrick Swayze is at his most shirtless as Dalton, a bouncer who is as comfortable quoting Zen aphorisms as he is kicking drunken men in the head.

The incomparable Sam Elliot is hilarious as Swayze's grizzled but lovable mentor, growling out lines like "I'll sleep when I'm dead," and running his weathered hand through his long, gray, greasy hair. And Kevin Tighe (of Lost) as the owner of the titular roadhouse delivers one of the strangest performances ever committed to film.

Road House is the comic mother lode and Mike takes advantage of every smashed beer bottle, throat kick, and monster car smash-up in his hilarious running commentary.

Long before the exceedingly boxy, strange-looking car, there was another Element:

The Fifth Element, a clown-headed young woman in orange rubber lederhosen who held the key to saving earth from a big ball of evil…stuff. Bruce Willis is a hack (as in "cab driver") who must protect her from the malevolent Zorg (Gary Oldman sporting an acrylic yarmulke, novelty teeth and an accent that makes him sound like a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and Barney Fife).

The yummy Ukrainian Milla Jovovich stars as Leeloo, the titular element. Yes, earth's very existence is in the hands of someone named Leeloo.

The bittersweet sequel to Star Treks I, II, III and IV was indeed the "Final Frontier", one last voyage for our heroic Captain Kirk and the brave crew of the Enterprise – except for another one to follow.

And then of course the several dozen spin-offs and spin-off sequels to follow. "The Final Frontier" sees a special guest appearance by the one character fit to take equal billing with William Shatner: God. And so this RiffTrax deserves an awe-inspiring guest appearance by none other than Kevin Murphy, Mike's riffing companion for years on the Satellite of Love!

It's a RiffTrax lover's dream come true. (And Mike and Kevin promise not to make any jokes comparing the Enterprise and Charmin toilet paper.)

A drunken Australian councils a young Tom Cruise on life, love, and female undergarments. Tom and Nicole's wedding night? No, this is the thrilling plot of Cocktail, starring Cruise, Bryan Brown, Kelly "Road House" Lynch and Gina "Showgirls" Gershon.

When young Brian Flanagan (Cruise) is discharged from the Army and quickly discovers that he has few job prospects, scant talent, and no discernible intelligence, he exercises his only real option and gets a job at a TGI Fridays, whipping around bottles of Blue Curacao and serving deep-fried broccoli balls to people wearing suspenders.

When Coughlin betrays his partner, Brian flees to Jamaica, puts on a cheap, Qiana jungle print shirt and resumes his half-baked act there, soon bedding down the improbably named Jordan Mooney (Shue). Coughlin follows him to Jamaica. Can they rekindle their friendship? Will they reform their circus/bartender act? Will they get a job together tossing chicken strips around at a Carl's Jr.?

Vin Diesel, the Jean-Claude Van Damme of our time, stars as Xander Cage, an underground extreme sports star who apparently lost all his hair in a tragic skydiving accident.

The NSA shanghais Xander to help them bust up a dangerous group of anarchists – and what an amazingly well-organized and thorough group of anarchists they are – by using his skills at pulling the most extremely off da heezy-fo-sheezy stunts ever, bi-atch.

Samuel L. Jackson co-stars as Xander's cantankerous boss, made cantankerous, we can assume, by the fact that one side of his face is melted (the result, no doubt, of a mishap while he and his nutty friends were filming a Diet Coke and Mentos stunt for YouTube.)

The film is a perfect fit for Mike's RiffTrax style, what with his deep, deep roots in the underground sports community (once, when he was nine years old, he rode his bike right over a milk carton.)

Among the finest Britney Spears movies ever made, Crossroads* tells the story of a high school graduate who drives to L.A. Not very exciting on paper, but up on the big screen, it's a drive-to-L.A.-stravaganza! Fueled by today's exciting pop hits, Crossroads is sure to connect with the new "youth" market we've been hearing so much about lately.

Featuring knock-out performances by Dan Aykroyd (My Girl 2) and Kim Cattrall (Turk 182!) and featuring the chart busting hits of newcomers Mystikal and *Nsync (prounounced NUHS-ink), Crossroads is Federline-free fun for the whole family. Oh, and it makes for a hilarious RiffTrax.

*Not the Crossroads where the Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) challenges Satan (The Author of All Lies) to a blues guitar contest.

On the shadowy periphery of society lives a secret organization of mutants – despised, deformed and loathed, they live in fear of a nation that holds them in contempt. They are comic book fans. And one of their favorites is X-Men, which tells the tale of a secret organization headed by Professor Charles Xavier, master of the mysterious brain device known as Cerebro and ideological enemy of the metal-manipulating villain Magneto. It's all very neat-o.

Featuring the extremely British performances of Patrick Stewart (Robin Hood: Men in Tights) and Sir Ian McKellan (Last Action Hero), X-Men tries its altogether best to maintain some shred of dignity even while adults with names like Cyclops and Storm leap around in spandex suits fighting other adults named Toad and Magneto.

There's a lot to work with, so Mike enlisted the help of his MST3K co-star Bill Corbett for this hilarious RiffTrax!

Iceman, Maverick and Slider: while they make great names for members of a tracksuit wearing boy band, they make even better names for shirtless, pretty boy pilots! And Tom Cruise is the prettiest and shirtless-liest of them all as Maverick, a bad boy aviator who lock horns with the large-toothed Iceman (Val "The Island of Dr. Moreau" Kilmer) and locks other things with the saucy MIT-educated Naval consultant Charlie (Kelly "Supergator" McGillis).

And if you're a fan of music that is likely to be heard in an aerobics class, you'll love the pulse-pounding soundtrack by disco top gun Giorgio Moroder! For this RiffTrax, Mike flies high with his Mystery Science wingman, Bill Corbett. It will literally "take your breath away"! No breath will actually be taken away. When we say "literally" we don't literally mean it.

Not since Chicken Fried Steak met Country Gravy has there been such a dynamic pairing as Patrick "Forever Lulu" Swayze and Keanu "Permanent Record" Reeves. The "whoa"s fly fast and furious as Johnny Utah (Reeves), a hotshot FBI agent, pursues Bodhi (Swayze), a tan little fellow with Bon Jovi's hair who dresses up in adorable little costumes and robs banks.

Gary Busey (the other Nick Nolte) gives a powerhouse performance as Utah's partner, and Lori "Free Willy" Petty, in one of her thinnest roles, is the girl Johnny likes to sleep with. Point Break is 100% pure adrenaline and Mike's "Point Break" RiffTrax is 100% pure nitrous oxide!

The most shocking Halloween-related thing ever -- with the possible exception of the joke about Mrs. Ghost not being able to get pregnant because Mr. Ghost had a hollow weenie. But in a respectable 2nd place, anyway, is Halloween, the horrifying tale of an evil madman named Mike Myers (as if his Simon character wasn't chilling enough) who terrorizes a babysitter by putting on a jumpsuit and hiding in the hedge. (A technique now widely used by custodians the world over.)

Featuring the blood curdling theme song by director John Carpenter in which he hits a G on a piano key 900 times, then a C about 738 times and then hammers on the G for a time before hitting a G# and then starting the process over again and repeating it several hundred thousand times. Because he was too chicken to sit in the dark and watch it by himself, Mike enlisted the help of his old pal Kevin Murphy for this hilarious RiffTrax. You'll scream, you'll laugh, you'll jump out of your seat! (And then you should probably start watching the movie).

In Earth's dirty, dystopian future, one in which every person alive is kept in a dark, moist pod and fed misinformation (kind of like Manhattan, only the odors are less pungent), only one man can save us – and that man is Johnny Utah.

Wait, no – Johnny Mnemonic. Hold on, that's not it. It's some kind of car name…uh, Horizon, um….Omni. Ram Charger – No, Neo. That's it. Neo. Led by the enterprising Morpheus, and the hot-erprising Trinity, Neo learns his fate from the Oracle, a corpulent, crusty, chain-smoking broad who is likely to put you off Oracles forever.

What is the Matrix? It's a laugh-a-minute RiffTrax with Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy, that's what.

Of all the many Binks in the world, who is the most skull-crushingly annoying? Is it the Binks Company, the Canadian insurance brokers? Is it the U.S. manufacturers of spray guns, paint booths, and electrostatic spray equipment? Or is Jar Jar, the mouthy horse-lizard from the 4th Star Wars movie, appropriately titled Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace? If you said anything but number three, you are imprisonably insane!

That's right, Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy take on the franchise-ruining Star Wars that everybody loves to hate but nobody loves to watch! Only we make you want to watch it again, and laugh instead of kill! Finally, Jar Jar gets what he deserves!

The scariest thing to come out of Japan since Pink Lady, The Grudge tells the story of a young woman who travels to Japan with her underwear-sniffing boyfriend and soon finds herself in the clutches of an evil curse (as if having an underwear-sniffing boyfriend wasn't bad enough).

Bill Pullman co-stars, sort of, in that he speaks several lines of dialogue. In contrast to a high body count slasher film, The Grudge is infused with a suffocating sense of dread, very much like an average episode of According to Jim. Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson settle their own grudge in this not-to-be-missed RiffTrax.

The greatest fantasy epic of all times is at last a RiffTrax! No, not Crossroads – we already did that. And not A Very Unlucky Leprechaun – which we haven't done yet but are seriously mulling over. We speak of course of Lord of the Rings:

The Fellowship of the Ring, the thrilling tale of some short guys, some slightly taller hairy guys, some thin, fey, but slightly taller guys, some grungy, somewhat beefier, slightly taller guys, and a frighteningly hairy, older, slightly taller guy with a stick, and their quest to throw something somewhere hot.

Mike Nelson and special guest riffer Kevin Murphy go after the ultimate comedy prize in this very special two-part RiffTrax. This RiffTrax is only compatible with the Theatrical Release, not the extended edition. It does however, work for both the single side and doubled sided versions of the Theatrical Release. Viewing Suggestion:

This RiffTrax was written and performed with the whole family in mind, so if you are comfortable with your children watching Lord of the Rings, this should be perfectly appropriate for them as well. Skip the endless reruns of The War at Home and treat your whole family to the RiffTrax experience!

And the people cried out with one voice, "Maketh us a movie in which Marlon Brando can don a muumuu, false teeth, clown white make-up and a really gay bonnet.

See that it also stareth Val Kilmer at his scenery-chewing best. And, yea, putteth the extras in hot, smelly animal suits and maketh you the plot absurd." And, lo, did John Frankenheimer deliver unto us The Island of Dr. Moreau. And it was good. Truly, you must see it to believe it.

But you must only see it accompanied by this RiffTrax, for which Mike enlisted the talents of Kevin Murphy, or else you WILL die.

The thrilling world of banking explodes across the silver screen! Harrison Ford is a bank security manager who gets more than he bargained for when a cold-blooded thief (Paul Bettany) breaks the little chain and steals the pen that belongs to the desk where most customers fill out their deposit slips! And as if that weren't enough, he ups the ante, nearly emptying the entire pot of complimentary coffee into his giant, one-liter travel mug that he got from the Tom Thumb!

His reign of terror continues as he gets in line for the teller and begins to fill out his deposit slip only after he gets to the counter! Oh, there are gunfights and fisticuffs and intrigue and Virginia Madsen playing put-upon wives and whatnot, but mostly, this is thrilling, non-stop, ink-spilling banking at its best!

The bottom line on this ledger shows an aggregate surplus of laughs, as Mike is joined by Kevin Murphy for one fiscally sound RiffTrax!

You know Dasher, of course. And Dancer, no need to refresh your memory there. Prancer, you go way back. Vixen is as familiar to you as Comet, not to mention dear old Cupid. Donner and Blitzen, why you had them over to your house for chili just the other night. But do you recall the most famous donkey of all? Neither do I.

That's why Nestor the Long Eared Christmas Donkey performs such a great service. It offers THE authoritative biography of this under-appreciated representative of the species Equus asinus. And it makes a great RiffTrax! Note: Though this RiffTrax could probably technically pass with a "G" rating, it is not recommended for very young children. We suggest screening it first if you are unsure.

A post-apocalyptic thriller that substitutes dirt and grime for any inkling of logic and probability, Reign of Fire features shirtless one-upmanship at its finest. The cigar stub chomping Matthew McConaughey is finally chiseled into Mt. RiffTrax, making a gutsy bid to become the hardest working shirtless man in show business since The Swayze himself.

Playing the Keanu-esque foil to McConaughey's Swayze, Christian Bale returns every hardened stare, lets no machismo go unanswered, no muscle flex go un-flexed back at, and he'll be damned if he puts a shirt on either. For good measure, the writers also toss in a few dragons, and hint at the existence of thousands more.

It's an old fashioned post-apocalyptic dude-off, both on the screen and in the recording booth, as Kevin Murphy joins Mike Nelson for what is sure to be your newest favorite RiffTrax involving dragons.

Several years ago, it is quite likely that you were one of the millions who bought a ticket to see X-Men or Spiderman in the theater. The massive success of these two movies convinced studio execs that the public was desperate for any and all things Superhero. In short, it is because of you, yes you, that the film Daredevil darkens our world.

Daredevil tells the story of lawyer Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck), who due to a childhood accident involving toxic chemicals has no fear. He is thus able to leap off of skyscrapers and land on the ground without shattering his tibias. Along the way he encounters Elektra (Jennifer Garner), who he fights on a teeter-totter, Bullseye (Colin Farrell), who embraces every stereotype about the Irish, (namely that they have really good aim) and Michael Clarke Duncan, who plays against character for once, in his groundbreaking role as A Really Big Guy.

Only a fool would choose to leap headfirst into such a world of second tier heroes on his own, and Mike, despite voluntarily spending hours of his time watching Daredevil, is no fool. So his good friends Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, (who are both also Men Without Fear) are all along for the ride.

It's a trio of crime fighting Riffiness that no Riffaholic should Riff without.

In the year 3000 man is an endangered species, enslaved, severely unshowered, beholden to a cruel alien race fond of dreadlocks and really impractical boots.Only one man can break the yoke of slavery and lead mankind to victory over their cruel tyranny. And that one man is television character actor Peter MacNicol. Wait – slight error there. Salt of the earth, Peter MacNicol, but it's not him.

Actually, the one man who can break the yoke of slavery and lead mankind to victory is Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), if you can believe that. Yes, Battlefield Earth, L. Ron Hubbard's epic tale of why you should become a Scientologist splashes* across the big screen in John Travolta's masterful** retelling.

Helping Mr. Travolta along in his masterful retelling are Mike, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett. Yes, the MST3K gang is back together in full force to take on the most legendary cinematic blunder since whatever Joel Schumacher's last film was. *like vomit. **here "masterful" is used in the sense of "revoltingly, irredeemably noxious"

"Be afraid...be twice as afraid!" So goes the tagline for Troll 2, the follow up, unsurprisingly, to Troll. A more fitting tagline might have been, "What the hell was that? Seriously, what was that? Was the director spraying Pam cooking spray into a paper bag and huffing the fumes throughout the production?

Was the script assembled by a madman using words clipped from Lyndon LaRouche pamphlets? Did the actors regularly ingest a cocktail of lithium and horse tranquilizers before each scene? And Eliot – someone please explain Eliot to me, using visual aids, if you will, because I cannot even begin to grasp the barest outlines of a concept of just what the hell Eliot is or was? Or does he just exist in some shadowy, nightmare dream world of my own creation? WHO IS ELIOT? WHY IS ELIOT?! WHERE AM I?!"

Yeah, that should have been the tagline, but it's a touch long. As it is, Rich Kyanka, the founder and proprietor of Somethingawful.com (and a huge "fan" of Troll 2) joins Mike for a hilarious RiffTrax.

"To boldly go where no man has gone before," and if you don't count the 79 television shows and 5 movies that came before it then Star Trek VI does exactly that. Yes, it's bold enough to have lauded stage actor Christopher Plummer glue on a few hideous plastic appliqués and shriek out lines from Shakespeare's plays at inappropriate times.

It's bold enough to hire Kim Cattrall for her acting experience alone in a role that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. And it's bold enough to pretend with a straight face that the cast of the original series shouldn't have been dry docked 20 years prior to this film.

To handle this mess, Mike enlisted the aid of Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, his riffing companions from Mystery Science Theater 3000. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll say to yourself, Who is John Shuck and how can I avoid his work from now on?

Never make the mistake of thinking that Over the Top is just an arm-wrestling picture. Oh, there's arm wrestling, all right – more arm wrestling than an 8th grade study hall. But there's also a truck. And a kid. And a whole lot of arm wrestling! And just wait till you hear the shocking secret behind Sylvester Stallone's signature "turning the hat backward" move. (Hint: it has something to do with arm wrestling!)

And there's arm wrestling! And if you're really good, maybe there'll be a Kenny Loggins song at key points in the movie. (And arm wrestling) Mike won't come out and say it, but by the glint in his eye, we suspect that this just may be the next Road House!

Disembaudio co-stars in this arm-wrestlo-rama of a RiffTrax.

"Seeing it...made me feel helpless, humiliated and sad." A celebrity apologizing for their latest paparazzi shots? No, those are the words of Aeon Flux creator Peter Chung regarding the big screen adaptation of the TV show he created. Peter, Peter, Peter...Why the long face? You have it so good!

You want helpless? Watch yet another director hamfistedly attempt to cope with a studio's order to "Be more like The Matrix." You want humiliated? Try Best Actress Oscar winners Charlize Theron and Frances McDormand, who must have done some hard drinking together the night before they signed up to play members of a spy sect called the "Monicans" for some reason. Want sad? Look at the latest devoted sect of fanboys whose beloved cult cartoon is now known by the general population as being "That movie with that guy from xXx."

Peter my friend, when a bomb as fast and as loud and as incomprehensible as Aeon Flux comes along, it's your job to just quietly cash the checks, and then turn the reigns over to Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy, and let the two of them do their thing. The hilarity, much like the Relical, (whatever that is), is omnipresent in this RiffTrax, and it is guaranteed to make you feel the opposite of helpless, humiliated and sad, (whatever that may be as well.)

Horror has a new name – and that name is "wicker". Once used almost exclusively in the construction of baskets and attractive outdoor furniture, wicker will now and forever after be synonymous with a terror that will chill your blood and torment your mind!

(Though admittedly a certain small percentage of people, rather than associating it with terror, will continue to think of their grandma's patio set. There's nothing you can do about these intractable folks but throw your hands in the air and just give up trying to change their minds where wicker is concerned.)

Yes, "Wicker Man" dares to depict a nightmarish world in which Nicolas Cage punches a woman in the face so that he can steal her bear costume. And this after having stolen at gunpoint a bike belonging to a woman dressed as a magpie and then going on to knock out Leelee Sobieski by kicking her in the breadbasket.

If this doesn't sound scary, may I remind you that there's WICKER! Neil LaBute has done the impossible by making the most unintentionally funny movie since "The Lake House". With such rich fare it would be unthinkable not to let Kevin Murphy in on the fun. And so we did! Kevin and Mike couldn't have had a better time with "The Wicker Man" if he'd been made of rattan!

Robots sent from the future into the past to kill people who will one day become important to the war against machines are like cockroaches – no matter how many of ‘em you kill, there’s always another, showing up one day naked in a little glowing ball of energy (the robots from the future, not cockroaches.

Well, to be clear, the cockroaches show up naked as well, but without the little glowing ball of energy.) The point is, humanity’s loss is our gain, as Terminator 3 offers another chance for Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger to show off his prodigious acting chops [i.e., his pecs].

Kristanna Loken co-stars as the ruthless Termanatrix, a superior model of robot with, I think you’ll agree, a superior bare backside, altogether less hairy, not nearly as Austrian, with smooth, clean lines and a… anyway, back to the synopsis.

Arnold must protect John Connor (Nick Stahl) not only from the Terminatrix, but also, because the kid is a supremely annoying presence, from all those who want to slap him, and that encompasses everyone who has ever met him.

Things get complicated when a whiny young irritant named Kate (Claire Danes) locks John into an unhygienic dog kennel and refuses to even worm him. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines is a big, dumb movie filled with big, dumb people. Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson are two big, dumb guys who are just dumb enough to take it on!

The television phenomenon of our time (no, not “According to Jim”) is now the RiffTrax phenomenon of this week! Yes, “Lost”, the thrilling saga of a group of castaways – of varying degrees of hotness – and their struggle to survive without having to resort to wholesale drinking of their own urine. “Lost” conveys the wit, intrigue and fierce intelligence of “Gilligan’s Island” in a modern setting – and without the mind-shattering annoyance of Bob Denver!

If you like your “Lost” with a little something on the side, you’ll love Kevin and Mike’s take on the pilot episode.

This is the second part of the "Lost Season One Pilot" episode and should not be numbered separately from the first part.

It’s Binks-ian fun for the whole family as George Lucas empties the contents of his brain onto film one more time! This go around, the part of the annoying kid is explored more deeply by a new annoying kid, Hayden Christensen, in a performance so jaw-droppingly wooden and laughable it’s got to make Keanu Reeves feel pretty darned good about himself.

Ewan McGregor returns as that one guy who was once played by that other British guy, and he’s apparently become comfortable enough with his green screen acting that he no longer even pretends it matters whether he puts in effort or not. And returning for the role of Padme Amidala is Natalie Portman, looking cute but losing her bid to keep her voice from grinding into her audience’s skull like a buzz saw.

All of this would be a RiffTrax dream come true – but making it even dream come true-ier is that Mike and Kevin are joined by none other than Chad Vader, brother of Darth and star of his own colossally successful internet series. It is quite simply a RiffTacular RiffStravaganza!

Your favorite chicken-slaughtering candy-maker is now a RiffTrax! Yes, Willy Wonka (the older, shouting Willy Wonka, not the newer, thin, fey version), the chocolatier and inventor of a gobstopper that lasts a good deal longer than the older, short-lived gobstoppers, gets the treatment from Mike and special guest Riffer…(wait for it… drum roll… fanfare… small burst of fireworks…) Neil Patrick Harris!

That's right, Neil Patrick Harris, not Ed Harris, the guy with the scar on his face from "A History of Violence", but rather NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! Yes, we somehow finagled the star of "How I Met Your Mother" into the RiffTrax studios to sit with one of his favorite Oompa Loompa-packed films. The result is a very special, very hilarious RiffTrax.

A spine-tingling thrill ride that moves from the exotic poker tables of Montenegro, to the exotic hotel rooms of Montenegro, then back to the poker tables, then the rooms again, then a return visit to the poker table for a more extended stay, then a short rest and back to the poker table! And there's killing, too! And lot's of sweet lovin', if you're into that.

Daniel Craig inhabits the role of James Bond, the dashing MI6 agent who holds a license to kill, as well a license to wax his chest and wear tiny, undignified swimming trunks. Eva Green is Vesper Lynd, (get it?) the hot-to-trot financier who administers the majority of Bond's lovin', with luscious Caterina Murino batting clean-up. And Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen stars as Le Chiffre, a sardine-faced villain and numbers genius (he can make change for a dollar without punching it into the cash register!)

Joining Mike is Kevin Murphy. Both Mike and Kevin have a license to Riff.

Are you a fan of Star Wars but feel that there just weren't enough brain-stunningly idiotic names for your taste? Do you like the Lord of the Rings films but find they move too quickly and make too much sense?

Did you enjoy The Matrix but wish it could have contained a horrendously embarrassing performance by former actor/professional picnic ham John Malkovich? Then you need help! That is, then Eragon is the film for you!

Ostensibly about some punk who finds a dragon egg, Eragon is actually a poignant onscreen documentation of the decline of Jeremy Irons, whose eye bags, if there were any justice, would have received third billing. And it's also a showcase for first time actor - um- can't remember his name. Really made no impression one way or the other. (In fact, was he even in the film?)

But mostly it's an opportunity to watch John Malkovich turn in a performance that had to - HAD TO - be a direct challenge to the director, "Please, fire me.I'm begging you to fire me. I'll do a take like this and then you'll have to fire me. Wait,I'm still not fired?"

Kevin Murphy joins Mike in the RiffTrax International Studios (and Small Engine Repair) for Eragon, the blockbuster fantasy epic that forgets to be a blockbuster.

If you're a fan of movies that feature screaming, megalomaniacal divas and their relationships to shirtless guys, you have so far been limited to Barbra Steisand's "A Star is Born".

But now, like a nut-covered cheese log from heaven comes Mariah Carey's "Glitter" - the film that, more than even her decade long string of unlistenable pop songs, landed her in the loony bin where she spent several months writing lyrics on the padded walls of her recovery room using a thick crayon held between her toes.

A film that, without the barest hint of shame or irony, features as a centerpiece the Robert Palmer song, "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On." A film that, against all laws of logic and common sense, gives a prominent role to the former Mr. Halle Berry (a.k.a, Eric Benet.)

No one, not even Mike, is dumb enough to take this one without some serious help. And serious help he got in the person of former MST3K cast member Mary Jo Pehl. A true RiffTrax event!

Something lurks in the dense jungle. Something horrible and cruel, a creature from beyond our world. His name is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He lurks next to another unspeakable creature named Jesse Ventura. And another, goes by the handle Carl Weathers. Who himself lurks next to a monstrous slab of flesh known as Bill Duke.

Together, they face down a creature who, quite understandably, hunts them for their skulls, hoping to fetch a fair price for them at the many Open Skull Markets that dot the galaxy. (If you haven't been to one, you must go. Take the kids, because the markets are very family friendly and they have these great Hawaiian Ice stands. And, of course, there's the skulls.)

Predator unseals a whole tin of whoop-bottom, trotting out cliches like so many, well, like so many boiled human skulls at the terrific Open Skull Market on Nespus VIII (honestly, I know I sound like I'm raving, but it really is just a great way to spend a Saturday, and it's fairly reasonable, too.)

Finally, a good use for your Predator DVD that isn't "propping up that one corner of the entertainment stand, the one whose castor you snapped off when you were moving out of that place on Spring Street because you just couldn't hack sharing a place with Beezer anymore, on account of his socks."

This is the hugely successful, boldly innovative show that dares to tell its story in the unlikeliest setting imaginable – a hospital!

But where Grey's Anatomy really ploughs new ground is in its use of attractive young lead actors, and the moody, radio friendly hits of some of today's top artists! And unlike St. Elsewhere, Chicago Hope, ER, The Doctors, Dr. Kildare, General Hospital, Ben Casey, Scrubs, Marcus Welby, MD, Doogie Howser, MD, M*A*S*H, House, LA Doctors, Nip/Tuck, Trapper John, MD, Quincy, M.E., Strong Medicine, After MASH and Doc, this one is on Thursdays at 9:00PM on ABC.

Navigating the complex emotional core of Grey's Anatomy would be impossible without the help of Bridget Nelson, a writer, performer and MST3K alum, who joins Mike for back to back episodes. Dr.'s orders – take two shows for maximum results!*

*RiffTrax assumes no responsibility for pain and emotional distress caused by that last line.

This is the second part of the "Grey's Anatomy Season One Pilot" episode and should not be numbered separately from the first part.

Most film adaptations of comic books skimp on the amount of fantastic-ness, offering at best one or perhaps two units of fantastic-osity.

Not Fantastic Four! It goes the extra mile by providing THREE (3) fantastic characters (plus a bonus character who's not so much fantastic as he is a fantastic irritant, in the spirit of battery acid on the skin or airplane glue in the eyes.)

Plus, Fantastic Four gives you a villain who looks and acts as though he were carved out of large log of congealed tallow! And while other movies might cast Jessica Alba in a lead role and then task her with giving a performance, Fantastic Four plays to her strengths by avoiding any performance at all and instead merely parades her around in a tighter-than-skin Spandex suit.

Featuring eye-popping special effects and a collection of words written down and then spoken by the actors (it would be a wild exaggeration to refer to it as a "script"), Fantastic Four gets a fantastic four star rating* from Mike and expert riffer Kevin Murphy.

*Out of ten possible.

Star Trek: Generations – truly a loving gift from one generation to the next. Much like that 15-pound, 10 percent water-added Danish ham that your uncle Clark who lives in Rockford mailed to you on Thanksgiving, the one that cracked open in transport and arrived at your doorstop in a brine soaked box, stinking like a week old corpse.

Yes, this is the legendary Star Trek that at long last teams two of the series' most enduring elements – Scotty, and a size 74 uniform. Not to mention a performance by respected British actor Malcolm McDowell that can only be described as, well, dis-un-respect-ulating. And Klingon cleavage? Generations has it in great heaping mounds! Mike and Kevin Murphy climb once more unto the breach for a fun-filled, intergenerational riff.

A small band of brave men struggle against enormous odds, battling a superior force, and though ultimately they are defeated their sacrifice becomes a source of inspiration and hope that rings out like a clarion call through the pages of history. But enough about the Mighty Ducks. 300, in contrast, is about a gang of shirtless and immoral baby-killing idiots who hack up a larger group of idiots on some cliff in Greece a couple of thousand years ago. To a soundtrack of ersatz Nine Inch Nails.

Starring Gerard Butler as a shrieking inarticulate Scotsman (so in other words "a Scotsman"), 300 delivers on its promise to be the bloodiest movie since Carrie 2: Carrie vs. Saw. (Though it should be noted that in lieu of blood, 300 utilized digital globs of diluted road tar.)

To make it a fair fight, Mike enlisted the help of battle veterans Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. 3 against the 300! This…is…RIFFTRAX!

Imagine waking up in an unfamiliar place, unable to recall where you live, what you're doing there, or even your own name. Now imagine for the first time in your life it wasn't a direct result of your downing eleven pints of Guinness and then agreeing to do a Lemon Drop shooter with Jimmy T., Spleef, and Hondo the night before at Durty Nelly's.

Now imagine that you began to discover you had mysterious talents -- talents that didn't involve the ability to stand next to the open refrigerator door in your underpants and drink a half gallon of Minute Maid Pulp Free directly from the pitcher without stopping for air. Now imagine you are Matt Damon.

Why, the mere thought of it is to stare into a bottomless well of agony. Yet Matt Damon awakes to that fresh horror every morning of his life (the horror of discovering that he remains Matt Damon, not all that stuff about his memory.

That happens to his character in that one movie – what's it called? – The Bourne Identity. My memory's not so good.) Anyway, the point is that Bourne Identity is a pulse-pounding thriller that goes from the exotic…um, somethings of somewhere to the even more exotic – look, it's tough to recall all the little things, I'm just a little fuzzy today.

Suffice it to say that Bourne Identity makes for a terrific RiffTrax – and the fact that Mike is joined by Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett, well, that's just -- what do you call it, that brown runny stuff – gravy!

In every single one of the 900 million aliens-come-to-earth movies that had come before it the aliens were malevolent, bent on man's destruction, but Independence Day changed all that. Yes, the alien's were once again malevolent, but this time Judd Hirsch was in the movie!

Never before had this even been dreamt of, putting Judd Hirsch in a film. It was a brazen move, one almost as stunning as casting Bill Pullman as the president of the United States as opposed to taking the obvious path and casting him as a guy at a Rapid Oil Change who says, "Ahead. Little more. Little more.

Okay, stop." And never before in screen history had a person named "Vivica" done anything let alone attempt to act credibly in a movie role. Not only that, Independence Day dares to feature one of the most ineffective inspirational speeches since those delivered in a bunker in Berlin in late April 1945.

For ID4, Mike is joined by both Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, so in the words of Captain Jimmy Wilder, Kick the tires and light the fires!*

*If it wouldn't be too much trouble. And we'd like to thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation in our tire kicking, fire lighting scheme.**

**RiffTrax is to be held blameless for any damaged tires, bruised tarsals or burnt property as a result of any tire kicking or fire lighting engaged in by the customer.

Imagine, just imagine, if ordinary citizens suddenly began to discover that they have acquired extraordinary powers. Why, you would have X-Men.

But imagine if instead of acquiring X-Men-like powers of healing, time travel, mind control and the ability to fly these people instead had those powers but weren't X-Men! Why, then you'd have the very un-X-Men-like Heroes!

Follow the exploits of Claire, Hiro, Peter, Logan, Scott Summers, and Jean Grey as they struggle to come to grips with powers that are so obviously not modeled after X-Men. Join Mike as he discovers his extraordinary power to riff on Heroes.

This is the second part of the "Heroes Season One Pilot" episode and should not be numbered separately from the first part.

The Sith is back, and this time he has come to make ponderous speeches to the gathered Senate and kick tail – and he's all out of ponderous speeches to the gathered Senate! Ian McDiarmid steals the show as the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (not to be confused with the heart medication of the same name. Palpatine is not for everyone. Ask your doctor if Palpatine might be right for you.)

He inhabits the character showing astonishing range: now fey and annoying, now wrinkled and laughable. As to the rest of the cast – it's the darndest thing, but I can't recall that there was anyone else even in the movie.

There was a Darth Vader costume, I believe, but that was filled by a wax statue and manipulated digitally to remove any possible chance that it would be interesting in any way. And there was something called a Ewan McGregor, but further research shows that to be a technical term used by the key grip for a kind of light stand. Oh, and Natalie Portman was in it, kind of.

Mike is joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy on the RiffTrax for this, the Sithiest film ever made!

The ark is lost! Who will raid it?! Clearly, there is only one man for the job: but since Ben Gazzara is unavailable, Indiana Jones will go in his stead and accomplish the needed raiding.

That the shoot will take place in Tunesia where the traditional fig liquor "bokha" is readily available to cast and crew alike simply means that the raiding will get off to a particularly rousing start.

Along the way Nazis will be punched (stupid Nazis probably deserved it), submarines be will clung to, and staffs of Ra will be cut to the wrong size, the error discovered and finally the correct size staff of Ra fabricated! Yes, the original blockbuster finally gets the RiffTrax treatment. Raiding with Mike are Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy.

To quote the soundtrack, "Da da da-da, da da-da! Da da da-da, da da DA DA DAAAH!"

When Peter Parker is bitten by one of Columbia University's many genetically engineered "super spiders" (now we know what they do with their 6 billion dollar endowment) instead of doing the sensible thing and dying, he transmogrifies into an arachnid, extruding fluids from his spinnerets, leaping about, swinging and twirling just like a spider.

But being a spider naturally puts him on the bad side of Norman Osborn, the charismatic head of OsCorp Industries who manages to find enough time in his day to moonlight as an evil goblin (played by real life evil goblin Willem Dafoe.)

He also finds it difficult to manage his relationship with the beautiful Mary Jane, because, well, he's a freakish wer-spider. His exoskeleton alone makes it literally impossible for him to come out of his shell until it's time to molt – and at that point he's too vulnerable for a relationship. It all makes for the most thrilling arthropod-on-human love and adventure tale ever told in the year 2002!

Joining Mike are Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett and several harvestmen that live in the corners of the studio. (Yes, we know that harvestmen are not spiders. And, no, theirs is not the most poisonous venom in the world – that's just a myth.)

Next, the thrilling story of a down-on-his luck magician (Nicholas Cage) who hitches a ride to Flagstaff! Not only that, he walks down into the Grand Canyon and shows a kid a rock! And can your heart stand the excitement when he gives a car to Peter Falk!?

The fact that he can see two minutes into the future is just frosting on the ride-hitching, rock-showing, car-giving cake of non-stop thrills! Jessica Biel co-stars as a woman who spends one day with Nicholas Cage and rather than doing the sensible thing and running away, moving without leaving a forwarding address, and getting an unlisted phone number, actually falls in love with him! (Note: she also appears onscreen wearing no pants.

This is in no way meant to encourage you to buy the RiffTrax by appealing to your prurient interests, we merely wish for our customers to make fully informed decisions where JESSICA BIEL WEARING PANTIES AND A SKIMPY SHIRT is concerned!)

Joining Mike is Bridget Nelson, a Mystery Science Theater 3000 alumni (and Mikes' wife!) That's NEXT!

The title says it all: a missile goes to the moon! Only there are people in the missile so it's not really a missile but should more precisely be referred to as a "rocket"!

Still, it goes to the moon, so the title is 50 percent right, which is more than you can say for, oh, Magnolia, which is not about magnolias at all, but rather is largely comprised of Tom Cruise talking about his junk.

Not only does Missile to the Moon offer a title that is half true, it also delivers a thrilling 50's era tale filled with chunk headed scientists, shapely pageant winners, and a spider that's roughly as menacing as one of the lesser Baldwin brothers.

But the real star of this RiffTrax is comedy legend Fred Willard! Yes, the funniest man in America joins Mike as they take on the classic Missile to the Moon.

The toys you got free in your happy meal explode across the screen as the loosening of FCC regulations on marketing directly to children is now a major motion picture! And the now grown-up targets of that marketing once again obeyed their overlords, turning Transformers into the loudest hit of the year!

Shia LaBeouf (from the German meaning "diffident steak") stars alongside Megan Fox, who certainly lives up to her name (she looks like a Megan)! Optimus Prime (which the Feds just raised by a quarter point) battles the evil Decepticons led by the eviler Megatron for control of the Allspark, which is possibly the silliest thing ever conceived by man.

It's the most fun you'll have watching toys, at least until Mr. Potato Head: The Motion Picture hits the theaters (Jack Black is in talks to star). Mike, Kevin and Bill endure the lashings of Michael Bay in a must-have RiffTrax!

The most profitable bespectacled Potter since Henry F. and Sherman T. combined, tales of Harry's indoctrination into Satan's dark and unholy arts have delighted dozens of children the world over.

And this, the first movie of the series, ably helmed by Chris Columbus (Monkeybone, Christmas with the Kranks, Jingle All the Way, Bicentennial Man, Mrs. Doubtfire, Nine Months, Gremlins 2: The New Batch) captures all the wonder, magic, and reckless child endangerment, thanks in no small part to the scene chewing of some of Britain's hammiest actors.

Starring Daniel Radcliffe, years before he gave everyone a good long look at his Nimbus 2000, Emma Watson and some kid who makes Ron Howard look swarthy, Harry Potter and the Something of Something Else is the most fun you'll have giving J.K. Rowling yet more of your money this year!

Mike, Kevin and Bill Dumbledore their way through a Hagrid of laughs in this, the Hogwartiest of all RiffTrax! (We have no idea what any of that means!)

Have a Happy Life Day! And nothing kicks off a memorable Life Day quite so much as watching the legendary Star Wars Holiday Special receive a fully deserved Rifftrax treatment! Yes, all your favorite Wookies are here: there's Chewbacca, Malla, Itchy, Lumpy and Art Carney.

Tony Award Winner and Oscar nominated Diahann Carroll as a singing holographic prostitute who services Grandpa Itchy. And Bea Arthur stretches her talent by playing a woman. Not only that, there are commercials from 1978 that will come close to convincing you that "1978" is fairly synonymous with "Hell".

"But, Rifftrax," you say, "Rifftrax, please - The Star Wars Holiday Special is not commercially available. How am I supposed to watch this?!" Well, we assume you taped it off the TV back in 1978 using your 130 pound top loading Panasonic NV-9300 U-Matic VCR, just like we did. If not, what were you thinking? Stop right now and GO Out and Get Looking for onE.

Because we taped ours off of the television set, and our NV-9300 doesn't have an "edit" function printed on one of its dozens of plastic piano key-style switches, we just left the commercials in there.

(We're sure the International Ladies Garment Workers Union won't mind.) So ours is two hours long and has a descriptive scroll on the front end, just like the one you can Get frOm yOur friend Greg, in LakE VIDEO, Illinois. (Don't look it up, they don't like to draw attention to themselves in Lake Video.)

Bill, Mike, and Kevin make this the itchiest, lumpiest Life Day of them all!

The Fantastic Four are back! Or the Fantastic Four is back! Depending upon whether one is referring to the title of the film, the four individuals who are fantastic and number four, or the group of four fantastic people who use that title! The point is, they're back! And this time, unlike the first, there's a surfer made out of silver and he rises! It's fantastic!

And if you're a fan of repulsive, waxy-faced Australian Prime Minister's sons as ineffectual villains, then you're in clover, because this film is packed with them (well, it has one, total). But FF:ROTSS has much more going for it.

The fact that we can't think of a single thing does not in the least bit undermine our claim that it has a lot more going for it, because it does. Have a LOT more going for it. SO BUY OR RENT IT TODAY! IT'S FANTASTIC TIMES FOUR (rising of silver surfer included with every purchase).*



*You might want to buy the RiffTrax that Mike, Kevin and Bill made to accompany the film because to watch it sans RiffTrax is to commit an act of monstrous, suicidal recklessness.

There have been many, many Plan 9s all throughout history, some of them more successful than others, all of them terrestrial - it took a man with the vision of Ed Wood to show us the very real horrors of a Plan 9 from Outer Space!

Starring Dudley Manlove as an alien who looks as though he regularly dishes out generous helpings of Manlove, and a giant sack of animate suet called Tor Johnson as inspector Dan Clay, Plan 9 lays out a bold tale of aliens who come to earth and yell at us in a shrill and undignified manner.

This is the new, vastly improved Plan 9 that brought down the house as a live show at the historic Castro theater in San Francisco. Mike, Kevin and Bill at long last take on the legendary Ed Wood classic in a new, soon to be classic Rifftrax.

Crossroads. Battlefield Earth. A Visit to Santa. As if the RiffTrax audience hasn’t suffered enough, we put to them the extraordinarily challenge of writing us a script for what is universally considered to be the source of all evil and suffering in the world, Batman & Robin.

Incredibly, they accepted. (We intentionally mumbled the words “Batman & Robin” every time we brought it up and it seems to have worked.)

Yes, Chris Hanel and James Whistler of Riff Raff Theater bravely spearheaded this COMPLETELY FAN WRITTEN RIFFTRAX! Mike, Kevin and Bill merely act out the gags, jokes, Arnold impressions, and most of all, the bitter contempt, all written by you, the fans. (Assuming you are both a fan and a participant. If not please amend and/or disregard.)

Hear the crew kick some serious ice in this, the first ever fan-written Rifftrax!

Every quarter century or so a project comes along that so perfectly unites artist and medium that one can only stand in wonder and proclaim, "Wow, Sandra, when was the last time something this magical came along - quarter century or so, wasn't it?"

So it was with Michelangelo and marble; Paderewsky and piano; And so it is with this RiffTrax, uniting THE legendary dinosaur movie of our time and THE weirdest "Weird Al" Yankovic of our time into one harmonic convergence of RiffTastic Jurassic WeirdAlistic bliss!

RiffTrax would like to say, timidly and with all humility, YOU MUST GET THIS RIFFTRAX! IT'S WEIRD AL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU CAN FIND COPIES OF JURASSIC PARK ON BUS SEATS! Mike and Weird Al join forces on the most colossally funny RiffTrax yet!

*As with all RiffTrax, this was tailored to be age appropriate to the movie itself. That is, we feel confident saying that if you're old enough to enjoy Jurassic Park, you're old enough to enjoy this RiffTrax.

Like a previously worn diaper, The Matrix has been Reloaded! All your favorite characters are back wearing all your favorite unlaundered fetish costumes! See Trinity leap - A LOT! See Morpheus fold his hands and talk - a lot A LOT! Thrill as the Oracle and Neo have long drawn-out conversations to the effect of, "Yea, but if you know that what you know is unknowable, how can you know that what you don't know isn't unknowable, too, you know?" And this without them having consumed half a pan of magic brownies while sitting in front of an Alf marathon!

But more than anything else, Matrix Reloaded is loaded and loaded again (see diaper reference, above) with NIST Certified Assloads of Agent Smith! Hugo Weaving brings his mouthful of Busey-esque, Chicklet-y teeth to this Neo-punching, "Mr. Anderson"-saying role.

Kevin, Mike and Bill re-load the RiffTrax recording studio for another go at the most Whoa-eriffic movie franchise ever!

For years we at RiffTrax have lived under the mistaken belief that we are Beowulf. So we were shocked when a cartoon version of Ray Winstone squeezed into a tiny pair of leather battle panties (LBPs) and set us straight in no uncertain terms. And he's right - HE. IS. BEOWULF!! Though it took some getting used to the idea that we are not Beowulf, in all honesty it's been a whole lot more pleasant to come into the office and see pants where one once saw nothing but a sea of LBPs.

But if you haven't yet exceeded your limit, may we suggest you download our hilarious new RiffTrax for Beowulf in which a fully clothed Mike, Kevin and Bill take on our less than clothed hero, his extremely unclothed lizardy paramour (played with big boobs gusto by Digi-lina Jolie), and a disappointingly unclothed Anthony Hopkins.

IT! IS! FUNNY!!!

The biggest Spiderman movie of 2007 is now the biggest Spiderman-based Rifftrax of 2008*! All your favorite characters return (Hoffman, Mr. Ditkovich, Ursula) and new favorites join in the fun (Crane Operator, Emergency Room Doctor, Kid in Central Park)!

And joining Mike is writer/newspaperman/radio guy/blogger extraordinaire/podcaster/best-selling author and uber-fan of the Spiderman series James Lileks! Just what will his reaction be when he sees what they've done to his beautiful series? Will he freak out and begin hitting Mike with a folding chair? Yes, he did, but we edited that out of this ArachnaRiffic Rifftrax and left only the funny!

*Unless we do Spiderman 2.

"What if a monster attacked a city?" This is the shockingly novel concept behind the viral marketing triumph of the year! Filled with "fresh"* performances and "authentic"** cinematography, Cloverfield masterfully takes a page from The Blair Witch Project, reworking the "snotty 20-somethings endure trauma while repeatedly saying 'dude'" genre into something unique while still being very much the same. Look for star turns by That Girl Who Was in Mean Girls and That One Dude Who Played Eric in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Mike, Kevin and Bill's RiffTrax was found by the Department of Defense (and then thrown away, but we dug it out of a garbage can.)

*Not very good.

**Not good at all.

Let's not get into the contentious issue of exactly who is Legend. R&B singer John Legend thinks he is Legend; the Tom Cruise movie Legend think it is Legend; "I Am" thinks it's Legend; and Matthew McConaughey is as certain that he is Legend as he is that his butt looks awesome in bike shorts. (RiffTrax remains neutral, of course, but if RiffTrax was forced to comment, we'd say that Brian Bosworth is Legend.) No matter, the movie making the claim that it is Legend makes a strong case, bringing a pretty slick PowerPoint presentation featuring lots of shirtless Will Smith, a dog that can act, and plenty of slim-hipped digital zombies.

Confronted with it all, Mike, Bill and Kevin slip into their own panic room and unseal a number 10 can of low-sodium whoop-ass (in heavy syrup.)

The epic story of tiny men doing very important things continues.* In this multi-hour installment the two very different towers come into sharp focus. You see, whereas one tower is the domain of a once great but now evil sorcerer who rules over an army of orcs and is bent on destroying man and taking possession of the One Ring, the other tower is the domain of a once great but now evil sorcerer who rules over an army of orcs and is bent on destroying man and taking possession of the One Ring, but - BUT - his name begins with an "S", and also contains the letters "a", "u", "r", "n", whereas the other tower guy's name begins with an "S", contains the letters "a", "u", "r", and "n" HAS NO "m" AND ADDS AN "o"! And the differences don't end there: one of the guy's names is seven letters whereas the other has six!

Mike, Kevin, and Bill strap on the wizard's hats, snap into some fortifying lembas and head on the down the road that goes ever on and on...

*"The hobbits' quest to destroy the cursed ring" not "Martin Short, Michael J. Fox and Danny DeVito's performances in 'Mars Attacks'".

M. Night Shalalalalalalalalalala-tee-da burst onto the scene with the biggest suspense thriller of 1999 (well, right behind a relatively short list of films that includes Analyze This, Wild Wild West and Varsity Blues.) Haley Joel Osment delivers the most miraculous performance ever given by a toddler (he was just 18 months old when he was nominated for the Oscar!) and Bruce "The Return of Bruno" Willis turns in yet another trademark performance as a guy who seems sort of tired and annoyed. When a guy in his underpants shoots a child psychiatrist (who, to be clear, was also wearing underpants, he just happened to have pants on over them) his life is turned upside down (the guy wearing pants over his underpants, that is, not the guy only wearing underpants.) Why does his wife seem withdrawn and narcoleptic? Why do the local children taunt him and call him "Casper"? Why does he seem tired, run down, just sort of dead?

Watch along with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they unlock the most unlockablest secrets of "The Sixth Sense".*

*This is the 1999 film, not the 1972 TV show starring Gary Collins. Gary Collins apologizes for the confusion.

Harry Potter is back with the second installment in the franchise that is worth more than the Tolkien, Roddenberry and Herge estates combined! Part Two lays the groundwork for the stunning revelation that shook the series: that the guy who plays Ron absolutely, 100% cannot act. I mean, that performance? What the hell was that? Every scene he's in looks like someone from Are You Being Served forced at gunpoint to mug at a level that would make the cast of Police Academy blush. If they were to spin Ronald McDonald's friend Grimace off into a series titled The Grimace Hour it would have less grimacing per hour than Ron in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets (approximate number of hours in movie: five.)

Watch Ron pull one face after another as he teams up with Harry, Hermione, Hagrid, and Hagar the Horrible to outwit an army of spiders, battle a giant lizard, and encounter an emo-chick who lives in a toilet. And what would a Harry Potter movie be without Quidditch? Answer: Better.

Mike, Kevin, Bill and their respective self-mutilating house elves are here to riff until the Secret of the titular Chamber is revealed!

For most of us, the experience of waking up in a strange motel room, alone and disoriented, means that you were the victim of Chinese Organ Thieves. Inconvenient, sure, but kidneys are replaceable.* And how often does it really happen?** For Leonard Shelby, however, this scenario was just another part of his daily routine.

You see, Leonard suffers from a rare form of amnesia, usually only found in protagonists in works of fiction. Unable to form any new memories, Leonard stumbles around Southern California, vowing after every meal that he will never eat a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish again. To be fair, he does have a slightly more pressing agenda than eating pre-formed patties of vague seafood: the attack that rendered him an amnesiac also resulted in the death of his wife. Through an intricate system of tattoos and notes to himself, he hopes to one day track down the killer and after making him beg for mercy, ask them who they are, why he has this gun and if they know directions to the nearest McDonalds.

Also, at one point in time during the movie, a peripheral character muses that Leonard’s condition must be like living your life backwards. Despite this being a barely coherent thought muttered by a bearded motel attendant, it's evidently license enough to tell you the entire story in reverse, making this Mike, Kevin and Bill's first ever xarTffiR!

*Just talk to the delivery guy from the Chinese food place down the street **Every time you order from that Chinese food place

Take Ocean's Thirteen, pare down its cast to a trim Ocean's Twelve, then take away one more and you've got Ocean's Eleven, the swingingest, hippest, don't-they-look-like-they're-having-fun movie since Cannonball Run II! And though it was long ago mathematically proven that Mike is the least hip person who has ever lived or will ever live, he was able to up his swank quotient considerably by enlisting the talents of Las Vegas lounge singer extraordinaire, Guest Riffer Richard Cheese!

Nelson's Two takes on Ocean’s Eleven and its viva lots of laughs, baby! (Ow, it physically hurt to type that.)

The most adorable pirates you've ever seen take to the high seas to do battle with an army of walking skeletons to see who is thinner. With a team consisting of Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom they can't possibly lose! Geoffrey Rush gives it his all -- that is he does his best impression of the pirate mascot standing outside the Long John Silver's at a strip mall in Oakbrook, Illinois, and respected actor Jonathan Pryce as the girlish British governor risks being stripped of the descriptive "respected".

Mike, Kevin and Bill strap on the cutlasses and swing away!

In the tradition of I, Robot comes I, Ronman, the story of a shy college student who is bitten by a radioactive guy named Ron. Our hero's DNA is transformed, his body taking on the attributes of Ron until - hang on. Apparently we got that wrong and there's nothing remotely that cool going on here. It's Iron Man and from what we're told it's just a guy in a metal suit. Kind of looks like a Transformer. Fights another guy who looks like a Transformer. And you get to see Gwyneth Paltrow's back. And it's directed by the guy who did Zathura.

Not only that, it made a gajillion dollars, no doubt because people got confused and thought they were seeing I, Ronman.

But Mike, Kevin and Bill put aside their collective disappointment over it not being I, Ronman and give it the most iron fortified RiffTrax yet!

The Happening is a departure for director M. Night Shyamalan: he abandons his trademark conceit of the twist ending to tell a straight-forward tale of horror. It's like going to a Gallagher show where he refuses to smash watermelons with a giant mallet. The only difference is that Gallagher's comedy is grim and depressing and The Happening is hilarious.

Yes, the plants of the Northeastern United States are fed up with how we've been treating them and decide to simultaneously release a toxin that causes humanity to commit suicide in various comical ways. Evidently this is something that is entirely scientifically valid, because a hot-dog obsessed lunatic says so at one point in time during the movie. Mark Wahlberg baffles as a Lemon Drink-eyeing science teacher and the part of Zooey Deschanel is ably played by a Tarsier. Mike, Kevin and Bill lend intentionally funny riffs to this masterpiece of unintentional comedy. (Unless there's some sort of real-life Happening, in which case they pre-emptively announce their allegiance to the plants.)

The most beloved franchise in film history returns to the screen and quickly becomes one generally well-liked franchise among many in film history! Yes, Indy is back, and this time he has a skull. And he has Shia "Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd" LaBeouf's infectious logorrhea! And as promised, the filmmakers gave in to the forceful and ceaseless cries of "GIVE US MORE RAY WINSTONE!"* Mike, Bill and Kevin took their own skulls into the studio to create a RiffTrax for the ages!

*Experts concede that demand for Ray Winstone may have been overstated. In fact, the cries have been traced back to one guy, Bill Tillerstot of Port Washington, Wisconsin, and his actual quote was "Give us NO Ray Winstone."

All your favorite X-people return as Magneto, Cerebro, Pyro, Columbo, Tonto, Pinocchio, and Jell-O do battle to determine who can look more ludicrous. Everyone wins! And because these are officially the silliest roles ever created we are lucky to have British and Australian actors stepping in to do the jobs Americans won't do. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen sink their teeth into their performances as though they were big helpings of spotted dick, and Huge Ackman scowls constantly like some sort of small angry mammal. As far as plot, this is essentially Angels in America with silly hats.

Mike, Kevin and Bill form their own justice league to give this movie what for!

The story of the Hulk is a complex one but we can know a few things for sure: Hulk smash and... well, that's about it. The Ed Norton version doesn't add much new information (Hulk smash, we already knew that), nor did Ang Lee's (Hulk bore.) In order to get the full picture we must revisit the beloved late 70's TV version, specifically the episode "The Final Round" (Season 1, Disc 2, Episode 3 for those Netflixing), in which we learn that Hulk befriend untalented boxer who literally dumber than half-full bag of hammers. Oh, and, Hulk smash in slow motion.

Mike, Kevin and Bill riff!

If you can spare a minute, think back on the greatest work of cinema that you have ever seen. Did you think about The Dark Knight? No? Then you are a moron. Because while you were out doing whatever it is morons do...demolition derbies or...croquet, (we wouldn't know, we loved The Dark Knight), The Dark Knight pimp-slapped Andy Dufresne, spat in the Godfather's face and gave Charles Foster Kane a big ol' wedgie on its way to becoming the greatest movie of all time.

All this in spite of the bat suit causing our hero to grumble like the offspring of Tom Waits and Cookie Monster. There is nothing at all silly about that. We here at RiffTrax regret even having to point out that he sounds like your Great Aunt Vivian sending you out for her third pack of Pall Malls of the day. Because The Dark Knight is not just a superhero movie. It's a gritty crime drama about political corruption and the choices men make that just happens to involve a superhero. A superhero millionaire that dresses as a bat whose voice sounds like your cat heaving up a hairball into your slippers who battles a guy with half a face named Two-Face.

Despite all this, Mike, Kevin and Bill are ready to take on...(reverent pause)...The Greatest Movie of All Time.*

* Source: The Internet

Summer is over—time to get back to evil school with Harry, Hermione, Ron, Sirius Black, Mrs. McGonagall, Filch, Splat, Wang, Timothy Q. Diaperhat, Professor Waddle Von Funkenskull, The Right Reverend Boo Smoothandle, Dr. and Mrs. Walrus V. Chowderboot and all the rest! This time around (the 6th, if we're not mistaken) Harry must battle an ancient curse and the desire to play Quidditch for three quarters of the film. Ron, in the meantime, discovers that his face is capable of hideous contortions as yet unexplored, Dumbledore awakes to find that he's gained a good deal of weight, and respected actress Emma Thompson sets out to prove that the respect is wholly misplaced.

Thankfully, this movie has been certified 100 percent Dobby-free!

Mike, Kevin and Bill wave their wands at the screen—and the result is magiclarious!*

*We think that means magic and hilarious, but our research team is still working on it.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (Marin County, to be exact) George Lucas sparked up his favorite bong, kicked back in a bean bag chair and several gurgles later came up with the idea that would become the greatest movie of all time.* The story should be familiar to everyone: a moisture farmer leaves his beloved moisture farm (after a terrible moisture stampede), flies to the planet of Mos Def and eventually rescues a princess from the clutches of the evil Moff and destroys the horribly named Death Star. Who knew that the humble moisture farmer's name would soon be on the lips of kids the world over: yes, Biggs Darklighter, hero of the rebellion. (Or was it Jek Porkins—we forget?)

Now that marijuana (aka "reefer", "bud", "stick", "whoopie doopie", "happy grass", "tingle weed", "Abe Lincoln", "the halt", "muffin", "chew", "altoid", "the Fonz", "little Ricky", "sleestack", "chumba wumba", "red dynamite", "the oaf", "fat man", "little boy", "Richard Milhouse Nixon", "Area 51") has been eliminated as a scourge, it's interesting to go back and look at the film that was almost singlehandedly responsible for its demise. Yes, Reefer Madness let the world know that even a single dose of marijuana (aka "whip scorpion", "Batman", "Holyfield vs. Lewis", "the Kremlin", "babelfish", "Mason Reese", "chowhound", "slab bacon") caused insane laughter, enhanced skill at ragtime piano, the inability to avoid hitting old men with your car, and defenestration.

Mike, Kevin and Bill light up...THE STUDIO to take on Reefer Madness.

Fans of shops of horrors will love this nostalgic look back, before the days of the massive chain stores, and big box horror shops. In the old days, horror shopkeepers gave you the personal touch; they knew your name, asked about your kids, were always ready with a smile... before killing you, chopping you up and feeding you to their monstrous plant. Little Shop features a powerhouse performance -- as the diminutive nerd Seymour Krelboin -- by diminutive nerd Jonathan Haze, and as always, the sumptuous cinematography, lavish production values and white knuckle pacing that are the hallmark of director Roger Corman.

Kevin, Mike, and Bill invite you to come inside their little shop of RiffTrax and have a look around.

Long before lunatic millionaires Michael Jackson, Richard Branson or Rick Rockwell, there was Frederic Loren (Vincent Price), an eccentric, unhappily married fop who offers a huge cash prize to anyone who can stay overnight in the house on Haunted Hill (the house, by sheer coincidence having nothing whatsoever to do with its location on a haunted hill, is haunted). The guests have to contend with hauntings, a sparsely stocked bar, and a huge cistern filled to brimming with flesh dissolving acid (the previous owner evidently tired of hauling his excess flesh to commercial flesh dissolving operations.) The film's many twists and turns will keep you guessing! (How many twists and turns? Well, say, two twists and maybe one turn, if you want to be generous about it.)

Mike, Bill and Kevin take up his offer, pack their Star Wars sleeping bags and spend a wild night in the House on Haunted Hill.

Imagine being holed up in a filthy dilapidated building, surrounded by pale-faced hollow-eyed creatures, unable to call for help, while before your eyes zombie-like beings commit the most unspeakable acts. Yes, a night of performance art at your local coffee house is something to be endured. But then so is a Night of the Living Dead! Shocking at the time for its graphic portrayal of the titular living dead feasting on pieces of the dead dead without even a hint of table manners or personal hygiene, what is most startling to modern sensibilities is the performance of the guy in the white pants who looks like Joaquin Phoenix. He manages to actually be worse than Joaquin Phoenix! And if you're a fan of inexplicably hostile, growling men then you have hit the jackpot (you may even throw away your laserdisc collection of the films of Robert Loggia!).

Mike, Kevin and Bill spend the better of a night with the Night of the Living Dead.

More than a decade before Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and The Other Guy actually landed on the moon, Missile to the Moon made giant leaps for both man AND mankind with its daring portrayal of how the first lunar voyage might play out. It turned out to have gotten a lot of the details right. Except that instead of a meticulously planned journey that took NASA countless man hours to achieve, the impromptu trip of Missile to the Moon takes place on a crazy old man's whim, and four of the five participants wander aboard the ship by accident. Also, where Missile to the Moon portrayed the moon as a dynamic backdrop for intrigue, love, betrayal, and deception, when our guys got to the moon, they sort of just looked around for a while, hit a golf ball or two, then got the hell back to Earth to try and catch Carson. And the real moon also turned out not to be crawling with beauty queens, giant spiders and hideous rock men. Just dust.

As you can see, the real moon was kind of a bummer. So instead of going there, why not just stock up on the Tang and Astronaut Ice Cream and hop aboard your very own Missile to the Moon with Mike, Kevin and Bill?

Just speak the word "jaws" to anyone and their pulse quickens, the hair on the back of their neck stands up as a dim memory rises to the surface of their consciousness - a memory of the first time they saw Murray Hamilton. Most likely it was in an episode of B.J. and the Bear, or perhaps The F.B.I with Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., but if not that, then his turn as the sartorially resplendent, gravelly voiced mayor of Amity in Jaws, the movie that made a generation of people afraid to go into the water (they were justifiably terrified of getting a skin disease from coming in contact with Quint's run-off.) Yes, long before blockbusters like Spider-Man 2, Shrek the Third, or Garden State there was Jaws, the story of small town mayor Larry Vaughn (played by the magnificent Murray Hamilton) and his quest to find the perfect jacket to wear while resisting the whining of Richard Dreyfuss. There is also a shark.

Mike, Bill and Kevin cruise the movie like a large squalus grabbing it with their powerful—oh, what's the word for it...mandibles - then, a little shakin', a little tenderizin', and down it goes.

Most carnival going experiences follow roughly the same pattern: some trouble-maker suggests it and, due to alcohol use or lack of personal will power, you ignore the alarm claxon blaring in your head and hop in the car. Six hours later you stumble through the exit smelling of sweat, rancid corn dog oil, cigarette smoke and vomit, roach clips in your hair, breathing in the mercury-laden fumes of a huge Chinese-made stuffed giraffe and praying for your own death. The Carnival of Souls is a lot like that, only with the addition of organ music!

Yes, this is Herk "Shake Hands with Danger" Harvey's timeless classic about a mouth breathing church organist who drives to Utah in order to have coffee with a greasy warehouse worker. Mike, Bill and Kevin load into the car, their pockets jingling with fresh souls and spend a few hours at the carnival!

As the old song goes, "I love a parade." However, this was undoubtedly spoken by someone under torture or extreme mental duress. Parades for most people evoke memories of the many raised welts, received at the hands of the crazed, hard candy-throwing Shriners tooling around on their infernally loud 2-cycle-powered magic carpets (man, they were sadistic!) These were almost always accompanied by Sousa, performed badly by teenagers in large fur hats (good Sousa is trying enough). And then there's the clowns. For the love of all that is good and holy, the clowns! A mind-splitting terror beyond anything cooked up by the foulest demons of Gehenna, clowns!!

Luckily, there are no clowns in Swing Parade—there are Stooges! With clowns, all is darkness and torment. With Stooges, all is goodness, bliss, and the occasional scratched cornea. And man, does this parade swing!

Mike, Kevin and Bill really bring the riffs, daddy!

Your favorite sand-phobic, midichlorian-rich super villain is back! And this time his capes are even more fabulous, his thigh-high Uggs resplendent like never before, and his burnt chicken head cloaked in the shiniest plastic helmet yet! And if that wasn't enough, Mike, Kevin and Bill are pleased to be joined by Darth Vader's bellicose but lovable brother Chad! Yes, the movie that gave us one of cinema's most startling revelations, and perhaps the most memorable silver screen quote ever ("I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me") gets the RiffTrax treatment.

Lots of laughs. Lots of Chad Vader. And no pod racing.

RiffTrax was caught up in the Twilight frenzy, and not surprisingly, given that we are staffed almost exclusively by 13 year-old girls. So when we heard rumors of the feature film—the whispers of John Goodman being cast as Edward were especially worrying—we sent so many texts beginning "OMG!!!1!!!!11!!" we nearly shut down our SMS service.

At the movie's premiere we were there among the throngs, shrieking with girlish glee when Robert Pattinson got out of his limo (it turns out we had mistakenly gone to the premiere of The Changeling and were actually shrieking for John Malkovich, but the point still stands.) And when it was finally released on DVD we ruined our first three copies by hugging them too much.

But we've overcome these obstacles to give you the best RiffTrax for a sparkly-emo-vampire film that we know how to make, and we say with as much humility as we can muster, that's a pretty darn good sparkly-emo-vampire RiffTrax! Turn off that Ashley Tisdale download, tell the clerk at Hot Topic you'll buy that hoodie later, and cozy up with Mike, Kevin and Bill for the mopiest RiffTrax ever!

When a spaceship full of hairy people crashes on an unknown planet, it's not enough that the surviving members look a lot like the Starland Vocal Band (it is a help, of course, but not sufficient for their survival). They must forge off on a non-stop mission of wandering around doing nothing in particular, not saying anything particularly noteworthy, and not looking particularly attractive or interesting. However, they do provide a tasty and nutritious snack for some pretty sweet looking stop-motion dinosaurs! Their routine deaths become a challenge to their intrepid captain, who prefers to rule by whining, equivocation and frequent "rest periods." This leaves him vulnerable to a coup by the crew's most hirsute member, Jim, who presses the enormous advantage provided him by what looks like a beard made out of 2-dollar-a-yard fun fur.

Kevin, Bill and Mike sharpen some sticks, put on their least smelly animal furs and prepare to poke at the Planet of Dinosaurs.

One of the things we like to do here at RiffTrax (during those rare moments when we're not absorbed by our frequent, mandatory company-wide Schnappi sing-alongs) is to challenge ourselves. Sure, it's easy enough to make hay out of a bear-suited Nicholas Cage, but what really tests one's mettle is to see how he reacts when he's staring down the business end of THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. Yes, our respect and admiration for Casablanca is unbounded, but if our motto—We Don't Make Movies, We Make Them Funny—is to have any meaning at all then it must be tested by fire. So we offer you this, our first in a series of RiffTrax Challenges, where we step outside our comfort zone (our comfort zone, by the way, is a large rumpus room here at RiffTrax Towers, with lots of bean bag chairs, thick shag carpet and a huge supply of Cheddar 'n' Bacon Easy Cheese) for our equivalent of a corporate "team-building" exercise. (We tried the more traditional rafting expedition but lost half our staff. We think it was at a Mobil Station in Bakersfield, CA.)

Will Mike, Kevin and Bill triumph? Merely survive? Suffer a huge smackdown by an angry, gargantuan Sidney Greenstreet? Join us for our first ever RiffTrax Challenge to find out!

You asked for more voodoo—and we deliver, with a RiffTrax exclusive*, Voodoo Man. Young women are vanishing somewhere on the road that leads to the creepy old house of a deranged bachelor (Bela Lugosi) and his two lonely assistants. Remarkably, no one thinks to question the deranged bachelor and his two lonely assistants, so the disappearances just keep stacking up. Until one day when the blandest man alive ("Ralph", appropriately enough) uses his remarkable ability to run out of gas at just the right time and discovers their plot. The highlight for most people will be the most shameful performance of John Carradine's career as a thin, mincing idiot, and the most shameful performance of George Zucco's career (they must have had a bet going) as a voodoo priest/gas station clerk.

Mike, Kevin and Bill return to the loving (and needle tracked) arms of Bela Lugosi as Voodoo Man.

The typical reaction to an encounter with The Room looks something like this: puzzlement, revulsion, laughter, amazement, hunger, affection, deep depression, inability to digest milk proteins, and ultimately, an unbreakable addiction. Yes, this is the film you've probably only heard rumors about, a truly jaw-droppingly weird melodrama written, starring, produced, financed, endlessly promoted by (most famously by a high profile billboard in Los Angeles for five years), and featuring the hideous naked backside of Tommy Wiseau, the world's shaggiest and most mysterious auteur. The Room's plot seems mundane: a banker looks forward to his marriage unaware that his fiancé is cheating on him with his best friend. But beneath this quotidian veneer lurk peculiar treasures that almost literally defy description. Quite simply, you must see this.

Though this film is hard to come by your efforts to secure it will be richly rewarded. Mike, Kevin and Bill are honored to be able to join you for your first viewing of The Room.

The year was 1984. While the fascistic regime foretold by Orwell had not yet come to power the nation had been brought to its knees, the victim of repeated playings of Karma Chameleon and Sister Christian. The country needed something to believe in, something besides aerobics or Emmanuel Lewis' winning the People's Choice Award. And so they came, a ragtag group of heroes in a beat-up pickup, complete with a beat-up gun rack: Jed, Aardvark, Daryl, Arturo and their brave, though prone-to-sniveling compatriot Robert (played by the prone-to-sniveling C. Thomas Howell.) The dawn may have been a red one, but they would make sure that when the sun set, it would be red... white and blue!

Joining Mike for this very special RiffTrax is Joel McHale, the Daryl to Mike's Arturo, or perhaps the Jed to his Aardvark, or maybe the Aardvark to his Daryl. The point is, it is the perfect partnership with which to assail the enemies of freedom, i.e., the makers of Red Dawn!

Did you like the 2001 sleeper hit The Fast and The Furious, but are you really not a fan of definite articles? Then 2009's Fast & Furious is the movie for you! After the twin triumphs of The Pacifier and Babylon A.D., Vin Diesel has finally reunited with his co-star from The Fast and The Furious: a several-sizes-too-small wife-beater! Also returning is the other guy from The Fast and The Furious (legal name: The Other Guy From The Fast and The Furious), shocking those of us who were pretty confident that he was the guy that had helped us try on shoes the other day at Famous Footwear.

When his girlfriend is murdered, Vin Diesel is forced to return to the US where he is wanted for...well that isn't really made clear. But before he even has a chance to mumble something unintelligible in a really deep voice under his breath, he finds himself in the race of his life! Seriously, the races often feel like they have lasted for the duration of a human lifetime. But at least in between the interminable driving scenes we're treated to a rich, nuanced film tapestry, featuring the very finest in Stock Characters spouting refined Screenplay Clichés. If your idea of a good time is watching the Angry Chief say "Talk to me", you're in for quite a thrill ride (just make sure to "lock and load.")

Mike, Kevin and Bill hopped into the sidecar for Fast & Furious, but were concerned by the lack of seatbelts for all three of them so they instead observed it from a reasonable distance.

If you're like most of us, you stormed out of your midnight viewing of The Matrix Reloaded saying to yourself, "Man, was that terrible! When I come back in six months to see The Matrix Revolutions, they had better balance out those ponderous scenes of two characters quietly discussing the minutiae of the plot with a lot more tedious action sequences where I can't tell what is going on. And instead of involving Neo, Morpheus and Trinity, you know, the characters we care about, it should mainly focus on people we've never seen before. Like a whiny kid and a butch chick with a crew cut. Give them prominent roles! Now hurry up and refill my Dew, I already bought tickets to see this again at 2:35 AM!"

If your conversation mirrored ours in any way, then you're in luck: The Matrix Revolutions delivers on all bullet points! Abandoning all the pseudo-philosophical mumbo-jumbo that for a brief window had desperate college professors teaching lectures on the original movie, Revolutions instead dials the THX up to 11 and hopes you don't notice because your eardrums are too busy rupturing. Your enjoyment also depends heavily on understanding the plot of Reloaded, which was mathematically proven to be impossible in a Harvard study. And to top it off, there's a healthy dose of old-fashioned, ham-fisted blasphemy thrown in for good measure.

Mike, Kevin and Bill jack in to deliver The Matrix series a hearty goodbye "whoa."

When we heard that Korean studio Younggu-Art Movies was making a picture called Dragon Wars, we were both excited and disgusted at the same time. Excited because we have had many conversations about which Korean movie studio would direct our "dream" dragon movie, and the name Younggu-Art Movies just kept coming up. But we were also disgusted, because the movie title failed to provide its own abbreviation as part of the title.

This is a major gripe that we have with just about every single movie that has ever come out: Abbreviations of a movie's title should always be included as part of the title. In today's busy web 2.0 world, who has time to refer to anything by its whole name? However, we run into trouble when movies don't specify how we should abbreviate their titles, and competing, non-standard abbreviations are adopted. Fortunately, our disgust was misguided, as Dragon Wars bucks the trend and includes its own abbreviation in the title: D-War. A true abbreviation, where Dragon becomes D and Wars becomes War, Dragon Wars: D-War provides the consumer with something so sorely missing from movie titles today: Choice.

So whether you choose to experience the fantastical creatures and hi-octane action sequences of Dragon Wars, or prefer the ancient story of a love that knows no bounds of D-War, you must know one thing: this D-movie D-bites D-hard.

Mike, Kevin and Bill decided to D-riff Dragon Wars: D-War, because a fan in attendance at our 2009 Comic-Con panel suggested it. The moral of the story? Don't do that.

At its heart, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a love story. A love story between two dogs, Mojo and Frankie, who are shown humping several times in the first fifteen minutes of the movie*. Stunningly, this remains a highlight over the next two hours of movie. We don't see much of the dogs after their owner, Shia LaBeouf, leaves for college, but we found our thoughts frequently drifting back to them as the human characters dropped their pants, ran into things, and stammered incoherently. Who was feeding the dogs? Were they getting along with the other dogs at the dog park? How was Frankie adapting to the new diet the vet had put him on back in June? Sadly, these questions go unanswered. In fact, any question you may have regarding Transformers will go unanswered, because Transformers movies are not in the business of answering your questions. Transformers movies are like the street corner rantings of a tinfoil hat wearing lunatic. You don't expect that guy to actually stop and explain to you what he meant by "The IRS built Yellowstone National Park on the same evening 180 years ago that the Lizard People shot down Sputnik with a rifle made from Avogadro's Number!" You just slink past him and try to wash the spittle off of your jacket when you get home. The same applies for Transformers. Don't you dare ask it "How did these characters whose names I don't know get to this location and what is their purpose once they get there and who is punching who right now?" Just lie back and think of the dogs. Focus on the dogs...Always on the dogs... The tinfoil hat guy gave Mike, Kevin and Bill's riffing of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen two thumbs up, a rating he had previously only given to a shopping cart wheel that he believed influenced the 2004 presidential election. *This is not a joke

On the cold, starry night of April 14, 1912, in the iceberg-infested waters of the frigid North Atlantic, a shocking and utterly disturbing event occurred. We’re referring, of course, to the sullying of a beautiful 1912 Renault limousine by Jack Dawson and Rose Bukater.

Yes, the film Titanic is less about the epic tragedy of the same name, and more about one of the most unlikely, unbelievable, and shortest on-screen romances of all time. She’s a gal from the upper echelons of society. He’s a guy from steerage. The ship’s crew would never let him roam the upper-class decks to meet her, let alone caress her lovingly at the front of the ship. And yet it happens, and we are the worse for it…

The original 5 hour version screened in test markets was a resounding failure. In that cut, Rose makes some room on the floating door, and Jack survives to marry her. Then we are treated to an over-hour-long epilogue in which they live together for many years in squalor and complete poverty, Jack scribbling cartoons for low-end skin magazines while wearing a grease-stained wife-beater, and Rose yelling at Jack that he should get a real job, lamenting the loss of her fortunes, and thinking she would have been better off at the bottom of the Atlantic after all.

Mike, Kevin and Bill hop aboard to bring you their most Titanic riff yet!

Oh, and may we add: Rose, Rose! Jack, Jack! Rose, this way! Jack, this way! Jack! Jack! Rose! Rose! Jack!!!

Like the odometer on your 1984 Plymouth Reliant rolling back over to zero, the Star Trek series gets a reset! The previous thirty-eight films had barely begun to scratch the surface of these fascinating characters, and so Star Trek is back to answer all your burning questions: What’s Scotty’s favorite brand of bacon? Why does no one seize the moment and slap the hell out of Chekov? Why does Uhura jam that huge piece of machined steel into her ear? Was Spock’s mom younger than him, and which uncle taught him that nerve pinchy thing?

A tour de force of shameless retconning, Star Trek nevertheless introduces a bold new sci-fi innovation: time travel! And black holes! And characters meeting themselves! And ice planets! And evil nemeses who vow revenge! And ship flybys! These are by themselves very compelling reasons to watch, but Star Trek gives you an even more compelling one—to learn Uhura’s first name. Sure, you never knew she didn’t have a first name, it was never an issue for you, and you haven’t even given it one millisecond’s thought, but at last you get to find out! (It’s Nyota, by the way.)

Mike, Kevin and Bill self-consciously tug down their red Federation uniform tops and go boldly into Star Trek!

Unless you regularly do mushrooms and go to Lady Gaga concerts with your good friend Crispin Glover, then watching Maniac is guaranteed to be the weirdest experience you have ever had. (Not since The Room has a film had such a deep impact on the staff of RiffTrax, so much so that the images in Maniac temporarily dislodged from our minds the mercurial Tommy Wiseau, the stark horror of Chris-R., even the enchanting beauty of Lisa!)

Maniac starts conventionally enough, when a Vaudeville-impersonator-turned-lab-assistant-to-a-mad-scientist refuses his bosses reasonable request that he shoot himself in the heart and offer his corpse as an experimental subject. After that, it starts to get strange. A disturbed patient who thinks he is the orangutan from Poe's The Murders in the Rue Morgue is mistakenly given super-adrenaline (which evidently exists) causing him to give one of the most eccentric performances in the history of film. Meanwhile, the mad scientist's next door neighbor is disturbed because one his cats is missing from his cat ranch, where he harvests their fur after feeding their flesh to the rats (which he feeds to the next generation of cats, and so on.) After that, the offbeat aspects of Maniac really kick in.

We caution you that Maniac is not for the faint of heart. There is brief, partial, creepy, music-free, 1930's nudity (mercifully, the emphasis is on "brief"), plenty of cat-on-cat violence, and a scene in which our hero pops out the eyeball of his own lab cat and snacks on it. That said, it's probably tamer than any given episode of Top Chef and you would really be depriving yourself of something special if you let that keep you from this very, very unique and hilarious journey, with Mike, Bill and Kevin as your guides, into the heart of RiffTrax madness known as Maniac.

Tired of horror clichés like empty parking garages, gypsy curses, and séances gone wrong? Drag Me To Hell sure isn’t! Wide-eyed ingénue Alison Lohman (featured in…some other films, presumably) navigates the heady politics of a small bank branch while voluntarily maintaining a relationship with Justin Long (Mac Guy , “funny person”). Yes, with a life like that, a refreshing trip to Hell is just what the doctor ordered!

Fortunately, condemnation is easy as pie—an oozing, eyeball-filled pie that director Sam Raimi will throw in your face! Because stuff like that is hilarious. Or maybe scary? Or probably neither. But back to the Hell-dragging: it turns out gypsies are not the most reasonable people, and will sentence you to eternal suffering for any minor infraction. Refuse to extend my credit? Drag you to Hell! Cut me off on the freeway? Hope you like dry heat! Politely suggest that Evening Shade** wasn’t the greatest television show ever produced? Let me introduce you to your new roommate, Adolf “always leaves the seat up” Hitler!

Join Mike and Bill on this sentimental excursion down Hell Lane (Kevin dodged the bullet on this one thanks to an unassailable “no Justin Long” clause in his contract—well played, sir). Just watch out for falling anvils and, really, just copious amounts of eyeball splatter.

** All of our research suggests that Evening Shade is universally beloved in gypsy circles. This will never be confirmed nor denied, as gypsies don’t use the internet.

Return of the Jedi. For sixteen years, it was widely regarded as the worst chapter in the Star Wars saga. We now look back upon this period of time, appalled and embarrassed at how naive we were. For while Return of the Jedi may be slow to get started, while it may delay the final confrontation between Luke and Vader in favor of an endless Ewok/Stormtrooper battle, while it may feature C3PO as its main character for the first twenty minutes and while it may have killed off Salacious Crumb instead of making him the focus of the entire movie, consider this: nobody utters the line "Yippee".

Return of the Jedi begins where The Empire Strikes Back left off: with George Lucas deciding which scenes to ruin by inserting a musical number by a hideous creature named Sy Snootles, who sounds like Disembaudio did before he took singing lessons. The dance scene is vital to the plot: how were we, the audience members supposed to know whether or not Jedi rocked, unless there was a song included in the movie named "Jedi Rocks"? Yes, the song is sung in a foreign tongue and the only way you'd know it was called "Jedi Rocks" was if you bought the soundtrack, but ignoring those irrelevant points, we can finally conclude after watching six episodes of Star Wars, a task that would take up well over half of one day of your life, that Jedi do in fact, Rock.

Fans of puppets, Hutts and metal bikinis: your ship has come in. Cancel your weekend trip to the Great Pit of Carkoon, boil up a big bowl of Tatooine paddy frogs and call up your buddy Nien Numb to come sit next to you even though you don't speak the same language: we're finally riffing Return of the Jedi.

As this is the final chapter in the Star Wars saga for RiffTrax to tackle, Mike, Kevin and Bill would like to take the time to reminisce about their favorite moments in the series. Here they are in order: The time Jar Jar became a senator and the time Stinky the Hutt was kidnapped. Thank you and good night.

Terminator Salvation is the thrilling story of the journey of a once valuable franchise. When the intellectual property rights lapse after a disappointing third movie, they're snatched up at well below their estimated market value by a wacky mismatched duo of producers. The petulant star they bring on board demands to play a role that wasn't actually in the script, massive rewrites ensue, and the novice director is forced to fall back on the skills he honed directing Sugar Ray music videos. Will the franchise rise to the occasion, renewing our enthusiasm for its once beloved characters? Or will the resulting film be a cynical, calculated exercise in maximizing profitability with little regard for story or coherency?

Terminator Salvation firmly casts its lot with the latter. Christian Bale, apparently unaware that The Dark Knight had wrapped shooting, alternates between his raspiest "Harrison Ford in Firewall" whisper and barking like a mandrill/harbor seal hybrid. Fortunately, the movie turns out to not really be about him. It's actually about the guy from Avatar, the guy who played the new Chekov and a mute eight year old girl. Thrill as the resistance discovers the secret weapon that could save mankind: a specific radio frequency! Bonus points if you can identify which scene Christian Bale was taking so seriously that he unleashed the most humiliating caught-on-camera rant since Hall of Famer George Brett discussed soiling his pants. Google it.

As a result of having to endure repeated viewings of Terminator Salvation, Mike, Kevin and Bill are all done professionally with each other.

Paranormal Activity succeeds by putting the viewer in the most deviously terrifying position ever imagined by a filmmaker: captive audience to an idiot's home movie. It recreates the experience of being stuck in a room with Micah (pronounced MEEK-uh, or DOOSH-bag), the kind of guy you immediately want to start punching and never stop punching until the punching is done. The kind of guy who spends his free time at the mall, conspicuously checking out 16-year olds while chatting loudly on his Bluetooth headset about hair gels. In short, Micah is a super sweet dude.

In a hard-to-swallow supernatural twist, Micah has somehow acquired a live-in girlfriend, Katie. In any other film she would stand out as a shrill, unlikeable person, but in the twisted world ofParanormal Activity she is borderline tolerable. Katie carries some baggage, namely some sort of ghost, or demon, or...well it's not really clear. Whatever it is, it's up to no good, pulling off masterful scares such as moving keys off the counter, and gradually shifting a door while Micah and Katie sleep. By the way, get used to watching Micah and Katie sleep, because that's pretty much the whole movie. Oh, and one time they go outside and Katie sits in a chair.

Strap in for terror, or at least a steady, crushing, existential dread, as Mike, Kevin, and Bill go up against the film equivalent of sitting next to a talkative moron on a 6-hour flight: Paranormal Activity.

Twi-Hard. A once proud word that has been shockingly cheapened by over-use. It used to mean something. These days, any given twelve year old girl with Team Edward wallpaper on her iPhone can be the star of a "Vampire Fever" cover story photo in USA Today. It's not right. Just because some soccer mom blows two months of grocery funds on an elaborate face tattoo replicating the iconic "Cullen baseball" scene, that DOES NOT make her a real Twi-Hard, okay? It's something you earn. It's something you live.

Forgive our emotion on this issue, but it's just that Mike, Kevin, and Bill are probably the biggest Twilight fans on the planet. Just survey Kristen Stewart's file of restraining order requests, and see which names pop up the most (Stephenie Meyer's file is alarmingly similar). So it should surprise no one that these three sparkly warriors trekked to the theater dozens upon dozens of times to feast upon the sweet succulent cinematic nectar that is New Moon. After the fourteenth viewing, the girl at the ticket counter was unable to make eye contact with them, muttering something about "grown men" under her breath. The pimply popcorn vendor filled his friends' inboxes with texts like "OMG third time today," while the theater janitor constantly fought the urge to beat them with his mop. In a word: epic.

But the shame they endured, along with the suffering of their long-neglected wives and children, is your gain. Thanks to these endless, obsessive, life-destroying viewings, Mike, Kevin, and Bill are able to present this RiffTrax of New Moon on the eve of its DVD release. Let's just hope that, now that the ride is over, they can put their lives back together once and for all (they're not making any more of these movies, right?).

By now, everyone knows the story of how Avatar single-handedly changed moviemaking forever. Its visionary director (whose name escapes us, you know the one, he's that guy who didn't win an Oscar this year) proved that progressive films can succeed in today's marketplace. As long as progressive means "completely unoriginal and devoid of depth" and the high praise heaped upon the work is entirely based upon it being nice to look at. In this sense, Megan Fox is a progressive actress, and The Hills was the most important television show of the last 10 years. It is truly a bold, experimental piece of work, keeping in mind that crystal meth and fat substitute Olestra (which brought the phrase "anal leakage" into our lexicon) were also the results of experimentation.

For those of you who haven't seen it (*cricket cricket*), Avatar is the story of just how pretty a jungle planet can look in 3D, and maybe there are some people fighting in it or whatever. It's also a great refresher on some of your favorite 90s action movie dialogue clichés.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill implore you to "GO GO GO!" and "MOVE MOVE MOVE!" lest you be "s*** out dead without warning" before enjoying Avatar!

Widely considered to be one of the five or six best Harry Potter movies, Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire is a breath of fresh air for a series that desperately needed one. Casting aside the familiar tropes of the first three movies in favor of bold new innovations such as Quidditch, a sinister new faculty member and dragons, The Goblet of Fire leaves the viewer wanting more! And then continues for another hour and a half...

We welcome aboard dynamic new characters such as Viktor Krum, who has a line or two; Fleur Delacour, who the books made seem a lot hotter; and Madame Maxime, who engages in a romance with Hagrid. One has to imagine blackmail, a bar bet, or a fetish so vile we dare not speak its name played a major role in that one. Will Harry enter the prestigious Triwizard Cup tournament? Let's just get this out of the way: yes, of course he will. Will he win, let alone survive it? Again: yes. Will a student actually die, justifying all the jokes we've made about this series over the years? And if so, will that student be portrayed by a previously unknown actor who went on to become one of the most universally loathed characters in one of the most universally loathed series of the past three decades? We're not telling! (but you may just want to keep some champagne on ice.)

Tuck into some moldy bread and stinking salmon with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they cast their name into the Goblet of Fire, attempt to win the Triwizard Cup and get busted trying to sneak some Clash of the Titans collectors glasses out of Burger King.

One of the hardest things to do with a popular series is to give it the conclusion it deserves. Some of the greatest entertainment phenomenons of our time, be it The Sopranos, Lost or Hi Honey, I'm Home! have failed to give fans the closure that they, as uninvolved spectators watching at home for free, feel they are entitled to. The Lord of The Rings series, on the other hand has mastered the art of delivering a satisfying conclusion. And The Return of The King does it so well, in fact, that it decides to end seven or eight times.

The final chapter of one of the most beloved trilogies of all time finds our characters picking up where they left off. Frodo and Sam continue onwards towards Mt. Doom, despite Frodo increasingly appearing to Sam as a walking roast turkey. Aragorn faces down one of lifes toughest questions: whether to embrace his true destiny, or to combine three flavors of Combos into one bag and lay on the couch with his shirt off eating them. Gimli and Legolas have started an organic dog biscuit bakery in Vermont. And Mushmouth is futilely trying to convince the gang to make him the Buck Buck breaker instead of Fat Albert.

All the while, the fearsome Eye of Sauron is observing their movements in a style that can best be described as "pretty funny when you really think about it." There's also drunken table dancing, Elven poetry and a spider proboscis that you would best be served to never think about if you're ever considering venturing into the outdoors again.

The journey through Cirith Ungol is never an easy one, so it's best to join up with Mike, Kevin and Bill, who have their very own Light of Earendil*, tin of pipeweed**, and satchel of Lembas Bread***

*Can of Raid

**Big League Chew

***Bag of combos with three different flavors of Combos combined in it

The past decade has not been kind to John Travolta. It began with Battlefield Earth, and ended with the movies about the middle-aged guys on motorcycles (Wild Hogs), the middle-aged adoptive fathers (Old Dogs), the middle-aged guy who found valuable dancing shoes (Gold Clogs), the middle-aged children's book author who runs at a medium pace (Roald Jogs), and the middle-aged guys who flip milk caps in a meat storage locker (Cold Pogs).

It may seem like Travolta has gotten a raw deal from movie-going audiences. Despite the fact that he hasn't had a hit in a long time, believes some crazy things about Thetans, and is starting to resemble the batty aunt you've never seen wear anything but a muumuu, you still feel like maybe the guys deserves a fairer shake than he's gotten.

Then you revisit The Boy in the Plastic Bubble and remember that, no, he in fact doesn't. His shorts alone in the 1976 made for TV movie render him undeserving of our sympathy til the end of time. Travolta plays Todd Lubitch, a boy who was born without any immunities and cannot venture outside his sterile environment, lest he slip on a banana peel and end up on America's Funniest Home Videos. He observes the girl next door's every move through his binoculars, and she responds how all females would in this situation: be finding this cute and falling in love with him.

Along the way, we meet up with supporting characters Mr. Brady, a hybrid of William Katt/Ian Ziering, and an unaging doctor. The whole thing is set to a theme by noted orangutan dresser-upper Paul Williams, who makes modern day singers like Bon Iver seem like raging barrels of pure testosterone.

Mike, Kevin & Bill insist that you please leave them alone in their one room shack in the country, so they can riff The Boy in the Plastic Bubble to their hearts content.

Much like a scandalous private photo of a semi-famous teenage girl (what? just an example), High School Musical mysteriously showed up in the RiffTrax mailbox one day. And now we thank Efron, the ancient god of non-threatening gender ambiguity, that it did. We’d been searching for a movie that would finally address the issue of cliques in high school, something you never see in a high school film (unless you’ve seen any high school film).

RELEASE THE RIFFTRAX!! Yes, all too often a movie is reduced to a silly one-liner, a ridiculous catchphrase. This is a sad and unfair practice, demeaning to films with creative integrity and purpose. Fortunately, Clash of the Titans has neither! Upon viewing it, Sean Connery went out of his way to say “You are NOT the man now, dog!” When invited to a screening, Harrison Ford frantically searched for an excuse, finally issuing a panicked “I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!” When a friend asked Admiral Ackbar to come along and see Inception again, Ackbar suspected he was being tricked into watching this movie instead and said...well, you know what he said. Our old Avatar friend Sam Worthington is along for the ride, maintaining his policy of only acting in front of green screens. Also, his policy of not actually acting. Also, his policy of letting his Australian accent slip through frequently, regardless of the role. Also, his policy of being a big charmless slack-jawed meathead. Also, his policy of general turdiness. Anyway, we’re big Sam Worthington fans around here. Mike, Kevin, and Bill can’t help but think this movie would have been improved by a star from L.A. Law and a goofy mechanical owl.

A lot of bad things have come “from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan,” but we feel it’s safe to say that this one came straight from his colon. What is there to say about The Last Airbender that isn’t already said by its Rotten Tomatoes rating of 6%? A whole lot, as it turns out. It’s becoming apparent that the true genius of M. Night is finding a way to make the wrong creative decision at any given moment. Dialogue, casting, music cues, every choice in the film suggests that the once-acclaimed director has given up Alfred Hitchcock as his inspiration, and replaced him with a certain T. Wiseau. And, frankly, we couldn’t be happier. But, Mr. Shyamalan: we worked with Tommy Wiseau, we know Tommy Wiseau, and you, sir, are no Tommy Wiseau. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Last Airbender, the most disappointing adaptation of a beloved franchise since Mario Brothers 3: Luigi Buys Some Eggs.

Every now and then a sequel comes along that is arguably superior to the original film. The Godfather II. The Empire Strikes Back. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. But the makers of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse cleverly avoided such comparisons by just making the exact same movie a third time. You want a slack-jawed girl who can’t choose between some squinty, mopey fellows? We got it! You want a red-headed vampire lady running around causing some sort of unspecified trouble? We got it! You want a consistent mythology, or a story that builds tension and develops in any way over the course of three films? We got...uh...hey look, werewolf nipples! All our favorites are back: Moustache Dad, Harpo, the Volvo. And really, why should anything change? If you like Big Macs, and you order a Big Mac, you want the Big Mac to taste just like every other Big Mac you’ve ever had. And if you keep eating Big Macs all the time you’ll wind up alone, unloved, with a colon that would make even Louie Anderson’s doctor say “Dear God, you’ve let yourself go.” Just like the Twilight franchise! So settle in, get a warm plate of muffins, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse!

"Man's Greatest Achievement." This was the entirety of the note we wrote down in the official RiffTrax screening room log book for Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny. If "Man's Greatest Achievement" doesn't do it for you, then perhaps the actual tagline from the Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny movie poster will: "What a Story!" You will have to ignore, of course, that Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny barely contains a story, let alone a coherent thought. But you'll be willing to let this pass, since it does contain pigs, gorilla suits, paper mache birds, soiled Santa costumes, child endangerment and, of course, an Ice Cream Bunny. What is an Ice Cream Bunny? We're not quite sure, and the movie doesn't really bother to explain. Evidently he has a fire truck with an air raid siren, and lives at a place called Pirates World. We also know that we are strongly in favor of ceding all power to it and letting it enact whatever foul agenda it desires, just as long as it lets us take a ride through Pirates World in that sweet, sweet fire truck. It's one of the strangest and most baffling pieces of outsider art that Mike, Kevin and Bill have ever riffed, and we were only 65% kidding about that "Man's Greatest Achievement" thing. Please join us in experiencing: Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny.

The ending of Christopher Nolan’s Oscar-nominated Inception left audiences with several burning, thought-provoking questions, chief among them being “When did Tom Berenger become a giant piece of boiled meat?” The film does a lot to support Mr. Nolan’s title of ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY THE GREATEST DIRECTOR OF ALL TIME ZOMG I AM SWEATY (source: Ain’t It Cool News). Who other than a true genius would think to put crucial lines of exposition in the mouth of an actor with a Japanese accent so thick he’s nigh-impossible to understand? Why, anyone who questioned the elaborate dream-logic of this film would have to be an idiot or a racist, but probably both!! (source: IMDb comment threads)

Yes, Inception is a shoo-in for the Best Picture Oscar and it will be a travesty if it doesn’t win, according to a bunch of people on the internet who haven’t actually seen any of the other nominated films but are really hoping to get around to it, maybe after they watch their Blu-Rays of The A-Team a third time.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill spent so much time watching Inception that they’re now permanently stuck in fourteenth-level dream limbo! (or maybe it was just another whiskey bender...either way we need a hose and a mop)

It’s Order of the Phoenix time and the entire gang is back! Harry, Ron, Hermione, Old Weird Harold, Beezus, Ramona, Moomintroll, Peppermint Patty, Churchy LaFemme, Handsome Pete, Kimmy Gibler, Trevor Ochmonek, Chris-R, Sawyer, CCH Pounder, The Fat Kid from “The Sandlot”, Snoopy’s brother Spike, Gobbler, Muffy the Mouse, Minkus, Van Go Lion, Two Bad, Fin Fang Foom, Ugly Naked Guy, Clamps, Yaddle, Carl Winslow, Strong Sad, Mr. Digger, Funky Kong, Error, U-God, Flute Cop, Lester Freamon, The green sumo wrestler thing from the Commodore 64 version of “Bruce Lee”, Dr. Robotnik, Earl Sinclair, Cedric Diggory...Wait, scratch that last one...

Yes, in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the series continues its descent into the dark, twisted real world problems that the wizards face. Namely, the addition of an irritating wizard named Tonks to the cast of characters.

Hogwarts is taken over by the Ministry of Magic, who installs a puppet regime in the form of Dolores Umbridge. Because if there’s one thing kids love in their fantasy novels, it’s ham-fisted satire of totalitarian regimes! Will Harry master occulmency? Will he describe his first kiss simply as “wet”? Will he severely overreact to the death of a character he had only really met a couple of times?

Will Mike, Kevin and BIll imply that Dobby has taken up pimping as a way to earn extra cash? All these questions and more will be answered in the affirmative in this RiffTrax of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix!

Birdemic: Shock and Terror is the story of a software salesman who founds his own solar energy company after cashing in his stock options. Where it differs from the countless other Hollywood tales of software salesmen who found their own solar energy companies after cashing in stock options is that occasionally birds attack and kill people.

Strong emphasis on occasionally, mind you. For while a less assured director might insist “I paid 12 dollars for these bird animations, and they’re gonna be on-screen for every frame dammit!”, Birdemic director James Nguyen instead chooses to focus on his characters. They eat meals, go to pumpkin festivals, hang out with their families, have themselves a party and every now and then make millions, buy Ferraris and date Victoria’s Secret cover models. You know, typical stuff.

The comic atmosphere is undercut, however, by the serious message Nguyen wants to impart onto the audience: the dangers of global warming. Trust us when we say that the only way that this sensitive issue could be handled more deftly is by anyone, anywhere, using any means.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror is what you’d get if the Ice Cream Bunny starred in The Happening as directed by Tommy Wiseau. Mike, Kevin and Bill invite you

to join them for this must-see RiffTrax. And do yourself a favor and experience it on Blu-Ray!

According to legend, the screenplay for cult favorite Highlander appeared when a basement-dwelling metalhead kicked over his bong in a futile attempt to stand after consuming two “share size” bags of Combos and a tube of raw cookie dough. The bong water within, which was ancient and, indeed, nearly solid, spewed forth across the shag carpeting, musty since times of old. The mystic fluid soaked all in its path, including a half-completed “Society for Creative Anachronism” application, one WWF comic book, a cassette containing Queen’s greatest hits, and two or three Dragonlance novels. From the resultant mist, which did reek mightily of Mountain Dew, the film was born. And yea, the world spoke as one: “We won’t see this in theaters but we might check it out on VHS later, maybe.”

Mike, Kevin, and Bill were dying to watch a movie about a mopey immortal cursed with loneliness since the women he loves age and die before his eyes. But then they found out there wasn’t a new Twilight movie yet, and instead took a big, hearty, Sean Connery-as-a-Spanish-Egyptian-infused hit of Highlander!

If you’re a normal, reasonable person, your knowledge of the Karate Kid franchise likely begins and ends with the following items: the phrase “Sweep the leg,” that awesome “You’re the best around” song, and the ironic Cobra Kai t-shirt you purchased online. But, lucky for you, we at RiffTrax are neither normal nor reasonable, and so we know that the richest, fattiest, saltiest meat of the series lies within Karate Kid III. Please, ignore everything you know about diminishing sequel quality, box office success, and critical acclaim, and just trust us on this one!

One can only imagine the joy a 1980s lad might feel, settling into his theater seat to enjoy the third installment of the adventures of his film hero, Daniel-San. Never mind that Ralph Macchio is now pushing 30 and looks like maybe he’s been skipping some crane kick practices between movies, he’s ready for action! The action of bonsai store ownership! Spending all his time with a strange old man! And, most importantly of all, hounded by Terry Silver, a millionaire evil mastermind who devotes 100% of his resources to getting revenge on a teenage boy for the sake of a casual acquaintance! How does he wreak this vengeance, you and the wide-eyed young Karate Kid fan might ask? By pressuring him into signing a karate tournament application form, using all the proper and appropriate channels! Eyeball-popping stuff!

How would Mike, Kevin, and Bill rate Karate Kid III? By growing evil 80s ponytails, cracking their knuckles, and mugging to the camera, “Perfect.”

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is commonly regarded as the most fun and exciting installment of the film franchise. This may well be true, especially given that the average Star Trek film is about as fun and exciting as a half-cup of plain yogurt. If you polled fans about what makes this particular film so thrilling, odds are they’d respond, “All the allusions to Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick!” (results may vary). Indeed, the original script contained even more quotes from that classic novel. Most notably, the moment when Kirk, in a fit of vengeful rage, leans back and roars to the heavens, “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.” VERY popular on t-shirts.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they dive into the great valley between Ricardo Montalban’s bulbous pectoral muscles for complete immersion in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan!

Are you a giant, cheaply-made monster looking for a nice place to terrorize? Your search is over: Crater Lake is the spot for you! Get your limp rubbery body down here, you’ll be feasting on mustachioed creeps quicker than you can say “AaaUUurgghh, I’m a monster!!” This small, sleepy community has everything you’re looking for. A sheriff who will refuse to believe in you until it’s too late. Uptight scientists that DO believe in you, for the sheriff to ignore. A pair of drunken hicks to provide aimless, misguided comic relief, and also be ignored by the sheriff. All this, and random unlikable tourists for you to snack on along the way! Just avoid choking to death on all the hideous 1970s facial hair, and you’ll have the time of your life.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill became the laughingstock of the scientific community for their fervent belief in The Crater Lake Monster. But they’ll show them, yes, soon they’ll show them all!!

There are some things in life that you’ll do without a second thought. Lend a friend a quarter. Help an elderly woman across the street. And if you’re like the lead character in The Devil’s Hand, join a satanic cult to sacrifice your fellow humans in the name of The Great Devil God Gamba. Yes, when he encounters the owner of a mysterious doll shop, Rick Turner turns his back on his friends and family to embrace a life of voodoo in the name of the author of all lies. But to his credit, there wasn’t anything good on TV that night.

Once signing up for the cult, Rick is drawn into a sinister web of chanting and plodding drumbeats that make Meg White look like John Bonham. Will voodoo executions follow? They will! Will the victims relish the sweet embrace of death as a way to escape the incessant drumming? Probably! Should you immediately download this RiffTrax? The Great Devil God Gamba* commands** it!

*Mike, Kevin & Bill **Humbly requests*** ***OK, tearful begging

For some reason, San Francisco has become the go-to location for hack directors to set their abysmal movies. The mere sight of the Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard Street are enough to trigger unpleasant memories of Tommy Wiseau's ass. And as if to prove that the city's unique charms were no fluke, James Ngyuen broke out the coat hangers and did him one better with Birdemic.

But we venture to say that with X-Men:The Last Stand, director Brett Ratner has outdone both of those movies in terms of resources squandered and the resulting tonnage of raw suckitude.

For while The Room gave us endless catchphrases, breast cancer scares and Chris-R, and Birdemic delighted us with Hangin' Out With My Family, bark beetles and solrpnls, X-Men 3 only offers up the ridiculous sight of Kelsey Grammer in bright blue fur as a means of easing the pain of cliché ridden dialogue, disinterested performances and Vinnie Jones.

Mike, Kevin and Bill were extremely disappointed to learn that X-Men:The Last Stand even lies with its name, as the franchise continues to stand to this day, despite repeated requests at ever escalating volumes to please, PLEASE, in the name of all that is holy, take a seat!

When a spaceship crash lands in a rural community, the locals flock to the scene. Well one local really, a kid who calls his former professor, who fields the call from his bed without a shirt on. Once he confirms that a UFO has actually been sighted on Earth, he springs into action, instructing his former student to sit by the side of the road for six hours, since it will take him a while to get there and he has some phone calls to make first. That’s when The Galaxy Invader really turns the thrills up to eleven!

The brainchild of visionary* director Don Dohler, The Galaxy Invader chronicles the struggle faced by the alien when he lands in a new world and discovers that the inhabitants are hostile and fearful of those who are different. Mainly because he kills the first two people he meets and shows no remorse as he repeatedly kills again. Fortunately he’s landed in a hideous backwoods town full of rednecks where hygiene has been outlawed and the mayor has recently been impeached and a can of Skoal elected in his stead, so the deaths are chalked up to the ill effects of that durn book learnin’.

Our hero is Joe Montague, a mean, unemployed drunk who threatens his family at gunpoint, slaps his children and enjoys compiling a

list of differences between various translations of Dostoyevsky novels (one of those three things isn’t true.) Throughout the entire movie he also sports a costume sure to be the hottest Halloween costume this year: a filthy t-shirt with an enormous hole in the center of it. Our team of experts have yet to determine whether or not the actor portraying Joe even knew he was in a movie.

It’s intergalactic cheese at its very ripest and Mike, Kevin and Bill are here to ensure that no moment of the invasion goes unriffed. Join them for: The Galaxy Invader! (In about six hours, they have some phone calls to make.)

*possessing the capability to breathe

Our new release Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe follows the heroic exploits of a galactic defender, played by Jesse Ventura, who comes to Earth to--wait, wait, that can’t be right. Jesse Ventura? The washed-up 80s wrestler known primarily for his feather boas and conspiracy theories? No, no way. Who would let THAT GUY guard a universe? Forget that, who would even let him guard some small part of the universe? Say, a state of the United States of America, a state with a population of roughly 5.3 million, perhaps located in the Midwest, with an area of 86,939 square miles, famous for its thousands of lakes? Totally implausible, the world just isn’t that silly.

And yet, here he is, ready to stumble into action and visibly struggle when he speaks! It’s a Terminator-infringing wonderland of snow, words like Comator (or Colemader, or Cone-mater, depending on who happens to be saying it) and organic apple sales. And it features JIM BELUSHI AS AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. He’s there for some comic relief, in the sense that if someone has been stepping on your throat but then stops to step on your chest instead, it’s sort of a “relief”.

According to Jim, but also Mike, Kevin, and Bill, it’s time to slap on a bald cap and rat-tail combo and take a ride in the Governor’s car to Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe!

Thor is the rare superhero movie that raises important questions. Namely, the important question “If Thor was considered the good superhero movie of 2011, just exactly how wretched must Green Lantern have been?”

Yes, Thor, for all its critical acclaim, features not one, not two, but three distinct scenes of our hero being rendered unconscious for comedic effect all within five minutes of each other! (For the record, in order: Thor is tazed, injected and hit by a van. Rumor has it the Extended Cut features a scene where he is trampled by a hungry hippo.)

No doubt this cartoonish buffoonery is the touch of acclaimed director Kenneth Branagh, whose intention for Thor seems to have been “Let’s bring out the Shakespearean elements of the comic book, but instead of soliloquies, we’ll have grunting, and instead of intrigue, more grunting.” Sadly, Branagh fails to deliver on the demands made by the most hardcore Thor fans, that he bring to the silver screen the short lived 1985 plot line where Loki turns Thor into a frog and he helps other frogs defeat some rats (this actually happened and you should look it up right now.)

So you don’t get any frogs, but you do get fanservice, a thoroughly implausible love story and performance by Sir Anthony Hopkins that were it any more phoned in, would be conducted through two tin cans and a piece of string. Mike, Kevin and Bill needed a nice long Odinsleep once this one was over.

Sure, sure, we know what you’re thinking. “Laser Mission? What kind of a thing is that to make a movie about? Everybody’s been on a laser mission, heck I did three-and-a-half laser missions on my way to pick up some eggs this morning.” Just trust us when we tell you, this one is special. First: unlike lesser laser missions, Laser Mission features exactly 0 lasers, and exactly 1 Ernest Borgnine! Nothing says “action” like Borgnine! (No, really, he says the word “action” in a funny accent.) Second: if most laser missions were to include a theme song that repeats on a seemingly endless loop, that theme song would probably contain the words “laser” or “mission.” Not Laser Mission! No, instead you’ll be treated to “Mercenary Man”, a little ditty cooked up by David Knopfler (the junior Knopfler of Dire Straits), over, and over, and over again. And, in the role of the Mercenary Man, none other than Brandon Lee of The Crow fame! It just doesn’t get more laser-ish or mission-esque than this!

Mike, Kevin, and Bill came to violence deciding who would get to use “Mercenary Man” as their personal ringtone, but they all agree you really oughtta check out Laser Mission!*

*and before you do, it may be a good idea to watch this classic Ernest Borgnine interview clip, which just might come up, “a lot.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I_PeLNzxNQ

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was released at an important moment in film history -- namely, the last moment when actor Rupert Grint (aka, Ron Weasley) could say “I will definitely be in two more films.” There is a version of this movie that’s about a prince who accidentally donated half his blood in a drive at work, and Harry Potter keeps chasing that guy and saying “Hey, you donated too much blood, come back here you dang Half-Blood Prince!”

Unfortunately, that version exists only in the mind of a stoned guy who read the title and collapsed in such a giggle fit that it took three Best Buy employees to drag him out of the store.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill put on their favorite “Dumbledore 4 Life” and “Albus will NEVER die” t-shirts for this one: please savor their exquisite heartbreak and join them for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince!

Everyone knows Hercules (or Heracles, if you’re really fun to talk to at parties), the mighty Greek whose heroic exploits included cleaning up tons of horse crap. But not everyone knows his sons, who for some reason went by the name The Sons of Hercules!

Yes, The Sons of Hercules, whose theme song informs us “were men as men could be.” What in the hell this might conceivably mean, we have no idea. Perhaps their Y chromosomes are bulked up monstrosities like Popeye. Or maybe it’s because, as the song goes on to inform us, “They shook the world AND took the world,” while the rest of us, failing to be as men as men could be, merely do one or the other depending on who’s playing in Monday Night Football.

This particular episode centers around Argolese, a man whose ability to grow a respectable beard is severely hampered by his periwinkle mini-skirt. Argolese befriends a horrible man named Babar who, as a sidekick, ranks somewhere in between Jar Jar Binks and Shia LaBeouf’s character in Crystal Skull. Their lighthearted goal? Free a bunch of innocent people who have been horribly enslaved!

Along the way they’ll wrestle a lion (real), fight a dragon (fake) and evade a hungry bear (we’re not sure. We’re leaning toward it being Nicholas Cage.) One thing is for certain: a sword and sandals tale this bizarre requires the full riffing efforts of Mike, Kevin and Bill, who, put together, come very close to being as men as men could be.

There’s an old saying that goes “Behind every successful movie, there’s a horrible Italian rip-off of it that uses three seconds of endless looped drumbeats as its soundtrack.” Never has this reliable chestnut been more true than in the case of Warriors of the Wasteland, which proudly acts as the mangy dog, devouring the table scraps that The Road Warrior turned up his nose at, opting instead to lick itself for nearly half an hour.

Yes, once again the inhabitants of Earth have reduced our proud, McRib-consuming planet to a smoldering wasteland. You might assume nukes, or genetically altered chimps are the culprit. Wrong you are, (though if you’ve recently ate a McRib, you’ve likely consumed some of the latter.) This time around what did us in was -- Books! How did this happen? It of course is not explained. But it was books, you sure can count on that!

So the Warriors of the Wasteland drive around in their admittedly sweet cars, sporting their admittedly heinous hairstyles, kinda resenting books and occasionally massacring an outpost of survivors. If you can suspend disbelief for just one moment, hear this: there’s a heroic lone wolf who attempts to enforce justice on these criminals (we know, it’s a groundbreaking path for a character to follow.)

Books may have caused the apocalypse, but laughable special effects and ludicrous dialogue certainly survived it. Please join Mike, Kevin, Bill and a bunch of folks who couldn’t afford tickets to Thunderdome for Warriors of the Wasteland.

When you really stop and think about it, there are two kinds of movies: movies where rugged men punch mountain lions, and movies where this sadly does not happen.

Fortunately, Buffalo Rider is the inaugural member of this first group, and while it waits for another movie to join it, (we’re looking squarely at you The Help 2), it is content to quietly kick some ass all by its lonesome.

Buffalo Rider tells the story of Jake “Buffalo” Jones, a legend of the Old West who tamed and rode a two-ton buffalo named Samson and, in the process, proved that there really must not have been much to do in the Old West. And while the sight of a man who resembles a Doobie Brothers roadie riding a gigantic buffalo is spectacular in itself, the producers decide to spice up the action a bit by keeping crates of vicious wild animals just off-screen and occasionally releasing them to attack Jake and the buffalo. Bears, wolves and cougars all show up to take on Jake, who appears to have been informed of these animals’ presence seconds before they were released.

You may have seen the clips of the “Guy on a Buffalo” song. Please, let us reassure you that you have NOT experienced the entire Buffalo Rider universe until you’ve seen the whole movie. This is a film that devotes nearly 1/10th of its screen time to tell the tale of a very, very unfortunate raccoon named Bandit. It has its own majestic theme song that you will be singing for days afterwards. Imagine if all you saw of Birdemic were the coat-hanger scenes. You’d be forgiven for assuming that was all the movie had to offer, but then you’d miss out on solrpnls, hanging out with your family and the spruce bark beetles. Please do not miss out on Buffalo Rider. Although the cougar punching is still pretty damn sweet...

Hey, you know what happens if you hit play on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and Transformers: Dark of the Moon at the same time? We tried it, turns out they don’t sync at all and the Pink Floyd album will immediately set itself on fire in protest (who knew mp3s could burn?). So instead you should probably sync it with the RiffTrax, as that is officially the only way to watch Transformers: Dark of the Moon without ending up in a fetal position, weeping at the horror of its brave new world.

It’s hard to believe the franchise soldiered on after the loss of its most beloved character, Megan Fox’s butt. Yet somehow Michael Bay boldly moved forward with a new rich & complex female character, who ALSO has a butt, which happens to be the very first part of her shown in the film! And don’t worry, all your other favorite characters are back, including: Noise! Chaos! Stuttering Shia! Racism! Screaming Shia! Respected actors shaming themselves for vacation house money! Stuttering WHILE Screaming Shia! The Matrix of Leadership! The coma induced by your laughter at the fact that they want you to take something called “The Matrix of Leadership” seriously!

Join Mike, Kevin and Bill as they take on Transformers: Dark of the Moon because it’s simply not safe to watch this movie alone.

We’re happy to present the first ever RiffTrax Christmas special! In the spirit of the season (that is, delusional hysteria and madness) we’ve dug up some hilariously bizarre holiday oddities, all new to us and never-before riffed!

Join your hosts, Mike, Kevin, and Bill, as they: *Exchange gifts, with vintage toy commercials *Riff a new short, The Shanty Where Santy Claus Lives *And riff the main event, Magic Christmas Tree!

Magic Christmas Tree is a fresh slice of holiday weird, sure to bring back cherished childhood memories. Remember how your parents used to tell that old Christmas tale of a boy who hit his head trying to help a witch retrieve a cat named Lucifer, hallucinated for months, and befriended a creepy, sarcastic tree? No? Well that’s probably for the best, you were a young, impressionable child. But you’re ready now! Gather the family, get a bucket of eggnog, and settle in for Christmas with RiffTrax!

Captain America: The First Avenger tells us the inspiring story of a skinny weakling who takes excessive quantities of a dangerous performance enhancing drug and becomes a national hero. Along the way he meets a girl, records propaganda films and defeats Sammy Sosa for the 1998 regular season Home Run title.

Standing in Captain America’s way is the evil Red Skull, who bears a striking resemblance to the father of the kid in “Son of The Mask.” Red Skull has developed some sort of laser, which he intends to use to achieve modest goals of establishing himself as a respected political figure in a small, manageable region of, we’re just kidding, he intends on taking over the entire world.

Aiding Captain America is Tommy Lee Jones, who appears to have been 73 for the past three decades, his loyal sidekick Bucky, who we’re pretty sure had some lines in the movie, and a guy named Timothy Aloysius Cadwallader "Dum Dum" Dugan who wears a bowler hat, ironic mustache and to re-emphasize, is named Timothy Aloysius Cadwallader "Dum Dum" Dugan.

You can’t have an Avengers movie without several years of breathless hype and inflated expectations sure to leave fans disappointed The First Avenger, and Captain America certainly makes a case for filling that role, in that he becomes an Avenger and may even have done so before anybody else. Mike, Kevin and Bill are just happy to see Hitler get punched.

Yes, yes, Ghosthouse is a film about a dead little girl who has an evil clown doll that commands her to kill. That’s all well and good. But it’s the little things about Ghosthouse that really make you stand up and say “Wait, what?”

The star of Ghosthouse is a Ham Radio operator who, HEY GET BACK HERE!!! Anyways, this Ham Radio operator one day asks a fellow Ham Radio operator “Who is more popular in Denver, Kim Basinger or Kelly LeBrock?” This has nothing to do with the plot of Ghosthouse, but we just wanted to point out that this pressing question is raised in an actual movie at some point in time.

So the Ham Radio guy and his ambiguously European girlfriend eat some chili, debate Ham Radio ethics* then go to the Ghosthouse where they meet a guy named Jim Dalen. We learn a lot about Jim Dalen, who’s staying outside in an RV with, among others, his sister Tina. That would be Tina Dalen. Jim Dalen’s sister.

And hang on a second, we nearly forgot Pepe! Pepe is no relation to Jim Dalen, but he...you know what, this whole thing will make a lot more sense once you watch Ghosthouse. Go spend some time with Jim Dalen, Tina Dalen, Kelly LeBrock and Pepe, then come back when you’re ready to discuss the film. We’re going to go get some chili.

*Both of those things actually happen in Ghosthouse

For many of us, the last time we uttered the title “Planet of the Apes” was when we were angrily demanding from a teenage usher “I’ll ask you one more time: Are you going to give me a refund for Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, or am I going to have to take another finger?” However, at that time, nobody could have foreseen the Ape Boom of the aught’s. It was spurred on by the box office dominance of a trilogy that made the LOTR movies look like one excruciatingly long version of Carrot Top’s Chairman of the Board: MVP: Most Valuable Primate, MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate, and MXP: Most Xtreme Primate. Fortunately, Tim Burton has resisted to urge to “reimagine” any of these classics, though he has expressed interest in making a worthless version of My Gym Partner’s a Monkey.

Anyways, the Ape Boom® culminated in yet another Planet of the Apes movie that nobody really asked for or cared about. But when the movie came out, it proved what we once overheard our dad saying to our mom on Christmas Eve: “Set their expectations really, really low, then they’ll be delighted when they get a Man-E-Faces toy where two of the faces don’t work. Dammit, we’re out of beer already??”

So, while we kid, Rise of the Planet of the Apes more than delivers on its non-existent expectations, giving audiences what they want: Apes (Yes!), Apes, (Yes!!) and more Apes (Yes!!!!) and James Franco (Wait, what?). Andy Serkis is also along for the ride, playing the role of “Guy who will probably get awarded an honorary Oscar in about thirty years and be really self righteous about it.”

Follow Mike, Kevin, Bill and Zippy’s lead: don a fez, plop down on a unicycle and smoke your finest cigar - it’s time for the Planet of the Apes to Rise!

When word leaked that the final Twilight movie would be split into two parts, most people assumed that this was done by the studio as a cynical cash grab. Not so. The last chapter in the Twilight saga is so vast, so detailed, that it demanded the lush, panoramic two movie treatment.

Okay, maybe they could have trimmed some of that twenty minute wedding because it was very straightforward and didn’t impact the story in any way and essentially could have been a wedding from a Reese Witherspoon movie. And we probably didn’t need every single one of the scenes where Jacob visits the Cullen’s house and shouts at someone. And dear god, they are showing them playing chess on their honeymoon AGAIN!

Fortunately, the remaining twelve minutes of the movie that advances the “plot” in some fashion makes up for the slow pace of the rest of the movie by being disgusting and incoherent. The birth of Bella and Edward’s horrible mutant spawn is repellent, nasty and vile, and yes, we are just referring to the decision to name it Renesmee.*

Also, this time the wolves go to a logging plant and communicate via telepathy.

Mike, Kevin and Bill love to hang out at the logging plant too, or at least they did until that lame foreman called their parents and ruined all their fun.

*DO NOT NAME YOUR CHILD THIS OR ALLOW ANYONE YOU KNOW TO NAME THEIR CHILD THIS

When four hot air balloonists crash land on remote Frankenstein Island, one thing is certain: they have a dog named Melvin! That’s about all we were able to figure out regarding the plot of Frankenstein Island. The rest is a glorious potpourri of insanity, including but not just limited to: jungle babes in leopard skin bikinis, a bedridden 200 year old man, zombie slaves, Kung-Fu, a brain in a jar, a confused John Carradine, a guy who looks like the protagonist of the fictional Twitter account DadBoner and a scene where a shirtless man injects a mannequin with a hypodermic needle. All things said, it’s a little less strange than The Room. How did these men get here? What is the strange power that runs the entire island? There’s only 15 minutes left in the movie, is Frankenstein ever actually going to show up? Questions like these aren’t important on Frankenstein Island. How dare you ask them. Here, the bikini chicks are dancing with a snake now. Is that better? I thought so. Mike, Kevin and Bill hop into a hot air balloon with Melvin (a pastrami sandwich), and head off into the wild blue yonder to riff Frankenstein Island!

Mesa of Lost Women! Not to be confused with the Plateau of Misplaced Babes, the Bayou of Wandering Broads, or the Tundra of Girlfriends Who Keep Trying to Get You to Ask for Directions but You’re Simply Just Too Foolish and Proud. It’s packed with everything you want in a vintage monster movie: giant spiders, dancing girls, spider-girls, DANCING spider-girls, mad scientists, square-jawed test pilots, and minor characters based on horribly dated ethnic stereotypes (we’re looking at you, Pepe and Woo the “houseboy”)! And, of course, nonstop wall-to-wall flamenco guitar. It’s like everyone says, “Flamenco guitar: why have a little when you could have an insane amount that is clearly way too much?”

The action starts when an escaped mental patient forces a group of strangers onto an airplane, which subsequently crash-lands in a strange, deadly wilderness - which, coincidentally enough, was also how RiffTrax got started, so you definitely don’t want to miss this one!

Well, we found it. The Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny of horror films. Read that again. Reflect on it. Maybe discuss it with your local librarian, or, better yet, one of the pungent men who spends all day on a library computer glancing over his shoulder nervously as he “does internet research.” The Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny of horror films. A bold claim, especially when you consider that Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is arguably a horror film itself, based on the raw metric tonnage of nightmares it’s produced. Just like that holiday classic, Curse of Bigfoot feels like an insane sandwich slapped together by Dagwood Bumstead after an extended opium binge, maybe Peanut Butter & Tacks & Pimento Loaf & a laserdisc of Newsies. A film within a film within a damp cardboard box within a film. Some highlights: a hideous papier-mâché creature (Bigfoot?) gradually approaches a woman feeding her dog for five continuous minutes. A high school teacher, apparently of the common high school subject “Monsters,” forces his students to listen to a guest speaker who would never be allowed within 500 feet of any school. Logging. Lots of logging. Logger deaths. And, to wash it all down and make sense of everything, a vintage monster movie stapled to the end, featuring a monster who may or may not be Bigfoot (it definitely isn’t Bigfoot). You don’t want to miss this.

If you’re into cheesy stop-motion dragons, leprechauns in bottles, drunk Vikings, and Giants-Who-Need-Killing, then Jack the Giant Killer is for you! Actually that’s an odd set of things to be into, hypothetical person reading this, and frankly it’s about time you let us get to the point. Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett riffed this vintage 1962 epic live in Nashville, and now you can enjoy the show in the comfort of your own home, castle, or bottle you share with a leprechaun!

Also! The guys riff the supremely weird short What Is Nothing? (spoiler: we still don’t know what nothing is). Plus two hilarious cartoons from Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka of somethingawful.com, a Behind-the-Scenes slideshow, and movie trivia slides done RiffTrax style!

Make sure all these giants didn’t die in vain - join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a full evening of great live comedy.

Not so much the X-Men kind of mutant, and not so much the Teenage Ninja Turtle kind of mutant, Mutant is all about that most iconic form of mutant: the one that seems a lot like a zombie. Yes, when you see hordes of zombies chasing the citizens of this sleepy Southern town, you might be tempted to tell yourself “I am watching a zombie movie.” When the words “mutant” and “mutation” are never used in the course of the script, and you are watching flesh-eating zombies eat flesh, you might really get into this closed-minded “this is absolutely a zombie movie, why is it called Mutant” headspace. But remember that these are definitely mutants, NOT zombies, and the title surely has nothing at all to do with the fact that the film was originally released with the title Night Shadows before the producers realized that sounded a little more “shade of mascara at Hot Topic” than “horror movie.” Wings Hauser, Wings Hauser’s brother, and Wings Hauser’s giant face are prototypical 80s yuppies (translation: they’re jerks and their shorts are way too short). To escape the stress of life in “Capital City” they take a road trip and wind up stranded in a sleepy Southern town infested with violent hillbillies, a drunk sheriff, and some good old down-home toxic waste. Something is mutanty in zombietown, and our heroes suspect a conspiracy that goes to the top of a local terrifyingly powerful mega-corporation (translation: a few guys in a barn with a hose and a hole in the ground). Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this classic 80s tale of snobs vs. slobs who are mutants who are zombies, Mutant!

When a local TV host gets into a car accident with an electrician, she didn’t count on one thing: that he would be the two time state champion who had also defended the interstate trophy in the ancient art of Kendo Swords. Because honestly, why would you count on that? It’s patently absurd, clearly some sort of horrible plot contrivance. What the hell is a kendo sword anyways? Certainly nothing a grown man should be messing around with.

Watch the sample! The point is, those two end up as Prisoners in the Lost Universe, which looks a heck of a lot like Earth except that there is a kind of tree that grows dinner plates, and another kind that grows pods of orange berries. Just try to wrap your little head around that, and also how a film this derivative and cheap looking came out the same year as Return of the Jedi. One thing it did have in common with that film, however, is the presence of horrible little sidekicks. Return of the Jedi had the Ewoks, and Prisoners has Malachi, who makes the Ewoks look like Martini sipping, bon mot spewing embodiments of class and dignity. Malachi...Damn, now we’re thinking about Malachi again. He’s...He’s just the worst. Ugh.

He’s also joined on the quest by the Green Man, who’s called that because he’s the same shade of blue as a Na’vi, a giant killer baby in a diaper, and a talking vulture. Grab your finest kendo sword and get ready to defend the interstate trophy with Prisoners of the Lost Universe!

Say hello to Brainiac, one of the finest movie monsters we’ve ever had the pleasure to know! Sure, he looks like the Troll dolls’ creepy uncle who’s no longer invited to family gatherings. Sure, his mask seems to have been hastily assembled out of found garbage and shower-drain hair five minutes before they started shooting the movie. Sure, he sucks brain matter through his ridiculous plastic tongue, then saves it in a fancy dish to be secretly eaten during posh dinner parties where he could easily be caught. Hm, seems like we should put something nice about him here to round this out. Well, he’s a very snappy dresser.

Back in 1661, a Spanish baron in the middle of burning at the stake escaped by hitching a ride on a passing comet, as one does. And now he returns, 300 years later, a shapeshifting monstrosity bent on killing the descendants of those who wronged him, via a series of polite social gatherings (this is the actual plot). Luckily, those who wronged him somehow only have one descendant each, and all the descendants still happen to live in the same town, and also look exactly like the ancestors he knew 300 years ago. What a timesaver for a busy Brainiac on the go!

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill and let’s all get our pesky thinking parts gobbled up by Brainiac!

When a group of sexy ladies shows up to take sexy pictures in a sexy castle that once belonged to a sexy executioner who may or may not be the reincarnation of the sexy Marquis de Sade, one thing is for sure: we just used the word ‘sexy’ seven times in one sentence (including the ‘sexy’ after the colon and this one inside the parenthesis.)

Yes, unfortunately for the llllllllllladies, a guy who thinks he’s the legendary Crimson Executioner is haunting the castle. Wearing nothing but pair of tights and a skullcap that makes him look like a perverted matchstick, clearly this fiend is an unstoppable menace, who may or may not spend more on chest waxing every month than he does on groceries.

The insane, diabolical, evil-to-the-core Crimson Executioner (real name: Travis) has a variety of torture implements gathering dust in his basement. They range from the traditional (Iron Maiden) to the idiotic (spider piñata) to the highly specific (Suge Knight dangles you by your ankles over a balcony, may only apply to Vanilla Ice.)

Filmed in PSYCHOVISION, (which we hear Fellini used to shoot in), Bloody Pit of Horror is must see Italian horror at its cheesiest. Mike, Kevin and Bill brave the spider piñata and give it their bloody best.

David Carradine in Future Force is what you’d get if Arnold substituted creatine with frosting, Stallone started cutting his own hair and Seagal...Well, Seagal wouldn’t have to change much actually. As John Tucker, he’s the only member of the C.O.P.S. (Civilian Operated Police Incorporated) (That’s not a joke) who’s interested in standing up to corruption.

Fortunately, he’s got an incredible weapon at his disposal: his robotic remote-controlled glove, which can fire deadly lasers and fly and bears a hilarious resemblance to the Nintendo Power Glove. Something this powerful comes with great responsibility, so fortunately Carradine leaves it in his Jeep’s trunk most of the time and uses a standard pistol instead.

Aside from video phones in cars, the dystopian future of 1991 is not noticeably different from actual 1991, though we did notice a distinct lack of Color Me Badd music. So perhaps there isn’t much to complain about. Grab a warm can of High Life, slap on some Gold Bond Medicated Powder and get ready to watch David Carradine try not to pull a groin muscle while he’s kicking some butt in Future Force.

One of the first Mexican wrestling movies to be titled by an excitable 5 year old boy using a box of magnetic poetry, Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death Robots is not to be missed. The sport of Lucha Libre was once so popular in Mexico it spawned the genre of Luchador films, in which popular wrestlers played crime-fighting superheroes. Here’s hoping Hollywood finally rips off this great idea and replaces the cast of Avengers 2 with Stone Cold Steve Austin, Brutus the Barber Beefcake, and of course, for a little sexy eye candy, the Bushwhackers. Neutron, whose exposure to atomic energy has given him the power of - well, being moderately good at wrestling - takes on the evil Dr. Caronte, who you know is a legit doctor because his Mexican wrestling mask is white. But the real star of the show is Caronte’s little person sidekick, Nick. With his unibrow and voice that sounds like the death rattle of an emphysemic frog demon, Nick fever is sure to sweep the nation like nothing before! (Note: Nick fever and its resultant sores are currently untreatable. RiffTrax cannot be held accountable for Nick fever related insomnia, infections, or gout.) Join Mike, Bill, and Kevin for one of the few superhero vs. robot movies to feature no actual superheroes OR robots, Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death Robots!

You expect a movie called The Revenge of Doctor X to have two things: a character named Dr. X and said character enacting some sort of revenge. Were it to lack a Dr. X, you might assume this was a careless oversight. Were it to lack revenge, you might be slightly upset, but perhaps hopeful that it instead replaced it with something comparably exciting, such as blackmail or bobsledding. Were a movie called The Revenge of Doctor X to lack BOTH revenge and Dr. X however, there could be only one explanation: Ed Wood was involved.

Yes, Ed Wood reportedly penned the screenplay for this movie, which of course contains no Dr. X and no noticeable revenge. It begins with Dr. Bragin, NASA’s chief aerospace engineer. When a rocket launch goes awry, Dr. Brain’s assistant suggests that he immediately take a vacation to Japan. As one does. Dr. Bragin responds, as he does to just about every situation, with barely contained sputtering rage. On the way to Japan, NASA’s chief aerospace engineer stops at a service station/plant nursery/snake farm. Again, as one does.

Here he buys a venus flytrap, which he smuggles into Japan. Waiting for him in Japan is his assistant’s cousin, who informs him that she will take the next few months off from work to accompany him to an abandoned resort that her father owns with a fully functional greenhouse and a hunchbacked caretaker that is near the rim of an active volcano. Yes, yes, a familiar cliche, but stick with us here.

Dr. Bragin/X crossbreeds the venus flytrap into a horrible abomination, that would be the most terrifying creature in film history, were every detail about it the exact opposite. It resembles a giant stalk of celery combined with a used car lot tube man wearing giant boxing gloves, and of course, it develops a thirst for blood. Not motivated by any particular kind of revenge, mind you. Any blood will do. The victim does not have to have wronged it.

It’s a cautionary tale about the limits of science, the corrupting forces of power and of course, mainly about getting Ed Wood involved in your movie. Mike, Kevin and Bill team up to riff the botanical masterwork, The Revenge of Doctor X.

Featuring half-man/half-jaw actor Miguel Fuentes, a.k.a. the Aztec from The Pumaman! There are lots of theories about why ships disappear in the Bermuda Triangle. Some blame magnetic anomalies affecting navigation. Some cite alien abduction. Others point out that it’s actually just a huge amount of ocean, and of course you’re going to lose some ships out there, you nitwits. But the makers of The Bermuda Triangle have their own fresh theory, and it all comes down to something NEVER BEFORE SEEN IN A HORROR MOVIE -- a creepy doll, telling a creepy little girl to kill her family. But this time, it’s on a boat. A BOOOOOAT!!! A hilariously dubbed Italian-Mexican joint production, The Bermuda Triangle is low on logic and high on ridiculous old-fashioned racism. A family sets out to find Atlantis with a crew of stereotypes, including a black cook character that would embarrass Amos and Andy. Heading the family? None other than legendary actor and director JOHN freaking HUSTON, in a role that one can only imagine he took in order to spend time near the ship’s other most notable passenger, A REALLY HOT WOMAN IN A BIKINI. Will they find Atlantis before they’re all dead? Will anyone on board even seem aware they’re looking for Atlantis? Find out by disappearing into The Bermuda Triangle with Mike, Kevin, and Bill! (and, y’know, also that bikini woman we mentioned)

Just when things looked grimmest for Hollywood’s bottom line and executives started seriously considering adapting the origin stories of cereal mascots for the silver screen, along came The Hunger Games to save the day! Yes, The Hunger Games, the series that critics are saying is “Almost definitely going to have the last book split into two movies” finally arrives to bring you archery, love and oh so much reaping!

Star of the show is Jennifer Lawrence, who wowed audiences in Winter’s Bone by being able to make it through a movie called Winter’s Bone without cracking a smile at the fact that the movie was named Winter’s Bone. Starring as Katniss, she volunteers for the games as a substitute for his sister Primrose, which forces her to leave behind her sort of boyfriend Gail, and get sent off to the capitol with a guy named Peeta. We contacted the folks at NASA and asked them to fire up some of their supercomputers in order to calculate which of those four names is the stupidest. They were willing, of course, but as soon as they hit start, we heard a loud buzzing in the background, and some people saying “No...No, this can’t be happening!” and “I’ve never seen a mainframe melt that fast before!” and “To the escape pods! No children allowed!”, so we figure we’re due to receive those results any minute now.

Anyways, at some point in time Lenny Kravitz shows up, bringing back fond memories of the wonderful moments just before he shows up. Stanley Tucci interviews the doomed contestants and determines whether they will join Hufflepuff or Slytherin. And Woody Harrelson, one has to imagine, took the role thinking he’d get to hang out on set all day with noted babe Elizabeth BanDEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO NOTED BABE ELIZABETH BANKS!?

We’ll just say this: at one point Peeta claims that his professional, almost magical level of talent as a camouflage artist all stems from the fact that he is good at frosting cakes in his family’s bakery. Even this part of the movie is five hundred times less stupid than any given part of Twilight. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, Katniss, Peeta, Canfinflas, Scrappy-Doo and Sylvester McMonkey McBean for the 74th annual Hunger Games!

The Guy from Harlem is the first blaxploitation film we’ve ever riffed. Why? To quote the temperamental yet ultimately quite sensitive gangster Harry De Bauld, a character you will grow to love as much as we do - “well, it’s...it’s kinda personal.” Okay it’s not actually personal at all, it’s just that the movie is really, really funny. It trades most of the sleaze, grime, and, well, exploitation that you expect from the genre for dopiness, sexual situations that fail to lead to actual sex, a clumsy confused sweetness, and more botched lines per minute than anything we’ve ever seen.

As you’d expect from the title, The Guy from Harlem is set entirely in Miami. The makers of Casablanca almost used the same approach, with early drafts titled The Dude from Somewhere Other Than Casablanca. It’s the story of private eye and titular Guy, Al Connors. Al’s a man with such a reputation that when it’s time to protect an African queen/princess/wife of a chief of state (her title changes pretty much every time it comes up) the CIA goes straight to his dingy shag-carpeted office and begs for help. Later, when gangster Harry De Bauld’s daughter is kidnapped by the sinister Big Daddy, and his own criminal organization is just “too upset!” about the whole thing to deal with the situation, where do you think he goes? That’s right. To the guy who’s the best at being from Harlem there is, baby.

Join Mike (what you say?), Kevin (that cat’s a bad duuuude), and Bill (get on down!) for The Guy from Harlem!

When we last left him, things were looking up for John Tucker. He had landed a babe way out of his league. That nerdy kid who was always bothering him had been gunned down. He owned the world’s most powerful glove, which he occasionally admired as it sat in a box in the back of his dirty Jeep. But Tucker’s world is about to come crashing down when a mysterious visitor shows up at COP headquarters. (Unable to decide whether the acronym was COPI or COPS, the creative team* behind Future Zone just dropped the fourth letter altogether. Also, they may have moved from LA to Mobile, Alabama. The movie is very unclear about this. Oh, and the main bad guys in this one were in Future Force, but we’re pretty sure they are playing different characters here. Lest these changes scare off the potential sequel viewer, do not fear: Carradine’s beer belly remains very much intact.) Anyways, the mysterious visitor shows up. He’s wearing a mesh shirt and seems to know a little too much about John Tucker. Who is this mystery man and where did he come from? This is a question you will ponder for exactly four milliseconds before you, like every other non-brain damaged person, quickly realize “That is obviously his son from the future.” How did he travel back in time? “My friends built a time portal,” he casually mentions, never to address it again. Yeah. It’s that kind of movie. But the family affair doesn’t just stop there! In a delightful twist, Carradine’s real life wife plays his onscreen wife. The chemistry between Carradine and the woman who sold him out to the media after his death with quotes like “He had his kinky moments” and “He would go to a hardware store and buy the stuff” really is the emotional heart of Future Zone. Mike, Kevin and Bill splashed a fresh coat of mud onto their Chevy Blazer and make sure any and all gloves are firmly secured in an out of the way box as they hop on the highway to the Future Zone! *hahahahahahahahahahaha

Nightmare at Noon might sound like what happens a few hours after trying items from Taco Bell’s breakfast menu, but in fact it’s a movie! A totally 80s movie that reunites two stars from our VOD release Mutant: the terrifyingly-faced Wings Hauser and his gruff, permanently drunk pal, Bo Hopkins. And, weirdly enough, they are once again facing off against a rural town full of people turned into ghouls by environmental contamination. But whereas Wings played a young whiny sarcastic yuppie in Mutant, this time he’s...a slightly older whiny sarcastic yuppie. And while Bo played a small town sheriff in Mutant, this time he’s...a cop who lost his job for doing the right thing. But it’s not a sequel! Somehow! Basically, they took what made Mutant such a good movie (nothing), threw in George Kennedy (yes, that George Kennedy), some cleavage (not George Kennedy’s) and a ridiculously long helicopter chase that was probably pulled from an Airwolf rerun, shook it all up and poured a big glass of Nightmare at Noon!

It’s worth noting that this movie is also known by another title, Death Street U.S.A. (kinda like how Mutant also had another name, Night Shadows). It’s also worth noting, according to the movie itself, that Wings Hauser’s character loves croissants, but HATES them when they’re microwaved. Might we fixate on this bizarre character detail? Oh, we might. We just might.

Help Mike, Kevin and Bill stuff croissants into a microwave until Wings drops to his knees in despair at this Nightmare at Noon!

Capitalizing on the widely-publicized series of unsolved murders that occurred at the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas in the late 1970s*, Tourist Trap is a slasher film with all the classic elements. It’s got a big beefy killer in overalls and a mask, portrayed by Chuck Connors, known primarily for his television role as The Rifleman but also for his 400 pound chin. And, of course, a couple of scantily clad babes, including replacement Charlie’s Angel Tanya Roberts, who would later make MILF history as the neighbor in That 70s Show.

For some reason the babes are on a road trip with a girl who’s sort of a more conservative version of Sarah, Plain and Tall when their car breaks down (you don’t say!) near a freaky roadside museum. It’s full of creepy mannequins that big Chuck operates via his never-explained telekinesis, proving that if people started developing X-Men style mutant powers in the real world their first impulse wouldn’t be to rule the world OR try to save it, but instead to perv out and build a giant whackin’ emporium full of RealDolls.

The girls, naturally, trust museum owner Chuck completely. They don’t realize he’s the killer picking them off one by one, a ruse that even Scooby and Shaggy would immediately see through, even with red-rimmed eyes after hotboxing the van. Throw in a twist ending so shocking it’ll leave you saying “huh, I guess that was the ending,” and you’ve got a Tourist Trap even more perplexing/disappointing than Santa Cruz’s famous Mystery Spot (where, incidentally, the Colby Jack cheese blend was first invented**).

Put on your Hawaiian shirt, fanny pack, and Teva sandals with socks, then join Mike, Kevin, and Bill in the Tourist Trap!

*not factual, this is just an urban legend we’re trying to get off the ground **this is another one

Ah, Christmas. That magical time of year when Santa travels all over the universe by means of the fifth dimension, (which his close friend Merlin invented in a floating space castle), delivering toys that were made by a skunk in a factory overseen by a wolf in a village whose head of security, Puss in Boots, occasionally has to fend off giant ogres.

A story so familiar and comforting, it’s like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket. By which we mean it’s so insane and twisted, it makes the Ice Cream Bunny look like Tiny Tim Cratchit.

Christmas with RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness is three shorts from the mad mind of K. Gordon Murray, who brought you the MST3K episode Santa Claus. Featuring cheap mascot costumes, terrifying music, an utter lack of coherence and a Santa who appears to have been dead for most of the shoot, they are some of the most astounding things we have ever laid eyes on, and will quickly become a new yuletide tradition, provided your eggnog is adequately spiked.

Mike, Kevin and Bill will be your hosts throughout your journey, introducing each short with their best brave faces as they stare into the abyss of Christmas Skunks and magic flowers that subvert the space/time continuum!

Earth’s Mightiest Generators of Studio Cashflow, Assemble! These heavy-hitting Marvel heroes (and also some bow and arrow guy) are finally together in one place, thanks to Samuel L. Jackson’s commitment to hanging out after the credits in their movies. Enjoy the fruits of his passive-aggressive labor, a big superhero flick written and directed by the GREAT, FLAWLESS AND IRREPROACHABLE JOSS WHEDON (internet law requires we write his name that way). Once fans got over their disappointment that the film’s roster didn’t include iconic Avenger Dr. Druid (I know, I know, we still can’t believe it either) they had to agree this was a pretty fun movie.

And it is fun, once you get past the Iron Man quips, the malnourished art major Loki as primary villain, generic robo-creature-guys from space or wherever -- once you get past all that, you have the true emotional core of the movie. Agent Coulson, and his barely-mentioned offscreen romance with a cellist who recently moved back to Portland. That’s what it’s really all about, True Believers.

So shout “Excelsior,” try to keep your eyes from rolling out of your head at the inevitable Stan Lee cameo, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Avengers!

WARNING! Contains naughty language and Christopher Walken impressions!

Let’s get this out of the way: Yes, this movie is called McBain. No, it has nothing to do with what you’re thinking: it’s not a biopic of Diane McBain, star of the 1960 TV series Surfside 6. Oh, or that Simpsons character either.

No, there’s no Mendoza for McBain to take out in this one. That’s just in the silly movie series The Simpsons came up with. Probably only took them a couple minutes too. Mendoza...Ha! This McBain is much more legitimate and creative. Its drug dealer is named Escobar.

Christopher Walken (Mousehunt, Joe Dirt, The Country Bears, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack) stars as the titular McBain. When the man who rescued him from a POW camp is executed by a Colombian dictator, it’s time for McBain to put together a ragtag group to avenge their friend. He rounds up a smooth talking technology expert, a black guy who is afraid of flying, and a guy who repeatedly asks him if it’s really a good idea to rip off The A-Team so blatantly.

Finally, they’re ready to take out the dictator and what follows is possibly the most incoherent mess of an action film there ever was. The body count soars, plot threads are introduced and discarded at a moment’s notice and a WrestleMania hat is given prominent screentime. Evidently, nobody ever told the producers of McBain that 80s action flicks were out of style, or that it’s not very badass to make your supposed action hero a welder (McBain is a professional welder, we forgot to mention that until now. Also, his first name is Bobby. Both of these things are true.)

McBain is the movie that will have you saying, “Seriously? Christopher Walken did this only three years before Pulp Fiction?” Join Mike, Kevin, Bill and Rainier Wolfcastle for McBain: Let’s Get Silly.

Contains scenes of nudity. (Fortunately, not Charles Durning.)

The sequel is coming from inside the house! That’s right, one of the tiredest pop culture tropes of all time finally gets a sequel! And you’ll never believe where the calls are coming from this time (because it’s a really, really stupid reveal. We’re talking the end of Signs level stupid.)

Julia is a babysitter, whose motto was evidently “Charisma free child care or your money back!” Her plan to put the kids to bed and then spend an evening quietly enjoying a glass of water is disrupted when a stranger comes to her door. He has a chilling request: he needs her to call the auto club because his car is broken down. Julia responds as anyone would: by lapsing into a hysterical panic attack while the poor guy trudges four miles to a gas station and misses his kid’s birthday party. We’re just kidding of course, he actually is a maniac and he kidnaps both the kids and they’re never seen again.

Traumatized by the incident, Julia responds by growing a Joe Dirt level mullet and enrolling in a small liberal arts college. (Experts strongly recommend you do neither of these things, but if you must choose just one, they tentatively recommend the mullet.) Everything is going just fine until one day she notices that small objects in her apartment are not where she left them. Cue hysterical panic attack. She’s really a charmer, this Julia.

Fortunately, she’s got Charles Durning and Carol Kane to help her. Durning appears to have gotten over Doc Hopper’s failure to sign Kermit The Frog as spokesperson by eating the Electric Mayhem Band and Kane looks appropriately traumatized for someone who had to play the wife of both Billy Crystal AND Andy Kaufman. At one point, in one of the most terrifying and disturbing scenes ever filmed, Charles Durning goes to a strip club to watch a ventriloquist act.

With Mike, Kevin and Bill there to riff, When A Stranger Calls Back will have you holding the line...for hilarity! (The writer of the previous sentence has been fired and is currently working as a strip club ventriloquist.)

Note: This RiffTrax was already underway before Mr. Durning passed away. As Mike wrote back in 2008, we here at RiffTrax stand in awe of his service.

Vanilla Ice’s album To The Extreme sold fifteen million copies. It is important to keep this in mind while you watch Cool As Ice, because at some point in time, you will inevitably shriek at the TV, “Who thought this was a good idea? How did this happen? Are they really trying to make ‘yep yep’ his catchphrase? Why???” And the answer to most of those questions is: Vanilla Ice’s album To The Extreme sold fifteen million copies.

Vanilla Ice (That’s My Boy, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze) stars as a troubled French missionary volunteering at a refugee camp in the Sudan we’re just kidding he plays a white rapper. The only stretch he gives his acting abilities is playing a character named “Johnny” instead of his real name. At this moment, we will point out for the record that his hilarious real name is Robert Van Winkle.

The sleepy little town that Vanilla rides his motorcycle through is not prepared for his chillaxed baditude and funky fresh fashions. Or perhaps they are just stunned that in a movie whose entire reason for existence is the star had a wildly popular album, none of the songs from said wildly popular album make an appearance. No Ice Ice Baby. No Play That Funky Music. Not even Havin’ A Roni. In fact, there is not even the vaguest hint that there was even a Roni anywhere to be Had on the set of Cool As Ice.

Despite the lack of Ronis, Cool As Ice is still one of the finest looking bad movies of all time. This is because the director of photography went on to do the cinematography for films such as Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan and Lincoln. That’s right, a mere three years after Janusz Kaminski made sure that Vanilla Ice’s Stussy shirt was properly lit during the construction site frolicking scene, he was finding the right lens to shoot Liam Neeson’s “I could have got more” speech in Schindler’s List.

It is perhaps the only movie that is more 90s than the entirety of VH1s I Love The 90s series. Stop, collaborate and listen as Mike, Kevin and Bill team up to riff Cool As Ice.

“You see, son, sometimes, when a shirtless teenage werewolf and a newborn love each other, very, very much...” Baby girlfriends! International squads of vampires with a host of mutant superpowers that should be blood in the water to Marvel’s legal department! A final, epic showdown between the forces of vampire “evil” and vampire “meh, whatever”! All that sounds amazing, right! It’s what we’ve been building to for four movies, right??? Like, something’s finally gonna happen! RIGHT??????

Ah ha ha haaaa, remarkable. Believing this series would pay off in any way... to paraphrase Twilight: New Moon songstress Lykke Li, “There’s no posssibilityyyyyy.” This movie is mostly about an extended vampire family gathering to show support for Bella, its newest, most insipid and simpering member. Because that’s why people love vampires -- to see them form coalitions of understanding, and talk out their differences.

But there’s hope, in the form of effete ancient men in red - that’s right, more Volturi than ever before! And the great Michael Sheen offering a cackle of delight so extraordinary that the petition to make it part of his eventual Oscar death reel should begin NOW.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they hide in the mustache of Mustache Dad for one last journey into the land of vampire sensitivity, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2!

Breaker breaker good buddy! We got a bear in the air on 95 going north, a bear in the grass on route 50, with Brother and Sister Berenstain Bear running a checkpoint for icons in the bear community over by the bear shop, so buckle your bearbelt, step on the bear pedal and get ready to haul some bears. We don’t know much about trucker slang here at RiffTrax, but we gather that roughly 98% of it is bear based.

In Breaker! Breaker!, Chuck Norris, star of the jokes from 2007 that your lamest uncle is just now finding out about and preparing to forward to you, stars as a trucker who is also a champion arm wrestler. It's like Over The Top only with slightly less confusion about the hero’s last name.

Chuck’s brother is making his first ever trucking delivery, and his cargo is several hundred frozen TV dinners. His routine haul goes awry when his truck is attacked by lonely men in search of cheap, barely edible food-like substances. Actually, he’s captured by the citizens of a rogue town of drunken hicks led by the delightfully Kelsey Grammer-esque Judge Trimmings.

Chuck must go in search of his missing mustache, and also his brother. To rescue him, he’ll need to very slowly kick some butt, due to the lack of mobility afforded by his denim jacket/pants combo. Fortunately, he’s got an ace up his sleeve: all his trucker pals who are apparently willing to kill dozens of people and destroy an entire town based on one CB radio message from an anonymous source reporting that a guy who they’ve seen arm wrestle once or twice is apparently in some sort of trouble.

It’s a tale full of moonshine, hillbillies and sweet airbrushed eagles on the sides of vans. Mike, Kevin and Bill 86 the tuna, get the six top seated and give the blue plate special wings (trucker slang) in one of Chuck Norris’ finest mustache-less films, Breaker! Breaker!

Evel Knievel was a 70s icon most known for the “stunt” of flying across the country to beat his former promoter, an executive at 20th Century Fox, outside the studio commissary with an aluminum baseball bat, shattering the man’s arm while shouting “I’m going to kill you!” Okay, that’s not what he’s most known for, but it’s what he should be most known for. I mean, did you know that? We didn’t know that. But it just might come up once or twice in our new Rifftrax of Viva Knievel!

The cast of this movie is basically a list of names designed to make you go “whoa, all those people are in this movie?” Screen legend Gene Kelly! Red Buttons! Lauren Hutton! Frank Gifford! Space Mutiny’s Cameron Mitchell! Dabney Coleman! The inexplicably-named Marjoe Gortner! And, perhaps best of all, the diabolical druglord villain played by none other than Leslie Nielsen! If you’ve seen him in The Naked Gun or Airplane! every line he says will sound like a joke to you, and trust us friends, that is a very good thing.

From Evel waking up orphans late at night to give them his own shoddy action figure merchandise, to, oh right, the occasional motorcycle jump, there’s almost too much to like about this one. So grab your baseball bat and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they spectacularly fail to jump Snake River Canyon and see Viva Knievel!

The year was 1980 and one trend was sweeping America! No, not that animated dancing cat from the Paula Abdul video. We admire you thinking outside the box, but jeez, you were off by like nine years. Reign it in a bit. We were talking about the nationwide fad of really crappy musicals!

Yes, 1980 brought us Xanadu, The Village People’s Can’t Stop the Music and of course the crown* jewel of them all: The Apple. Because what we needed at the start of Reagan’s America was the book of Genesis set to music.

The Apple tells the story of Alphie and Bibi, a pair of sweetheart musicians from Canada who make the Osmonds look like GG Allin. Alphie’s vaguely foreign-y accent and resemblance to sensei John Kreese do nothing to slow them down as they ascend the ladder to stardom. Of course, they have a little assistance from Mr. Boogalow of the sinister BIM Corporation, which is at times a record company, an oppressive totalitarian regime and the producer of a reality singing TV show (listed in order from least despicable to most.) Forgot the name BIM already? Do not worry, there is a solid ten minutes of the movie where people shout it at you while doing aerobics.

When Bibi is unable to resist the temptation and signs the record contract (GET IT???) she’s vaulted to superstardom, but at what cost? The answer appears to be not much for her. She’s actually doing pretty OK. Alphie on the other hand moves in with an elderly female landlord, as you do when times get rough. The real victims of Satan’s nefarious temptation appears to be the audience’s ear drums, which are assaulted with a variety of songs that are best described as Disco’s death rattle.

Mike, Kevin and Bill would love to stop and chat but they just got word that BIM is on the way. Why don’t you watch The Apple while they wait for him to get here.

*One of those cheap cardboard crowns you get at Burger King

Captain Kirk. T.J. Hooker. Twilight Zone plane guy. Johnny Legal (presumably his name on Boston Legal, didn’t bother to check).The Dad Who Says Sh*t. All great characters, sure, but William Shatner will always be best known for one role, and one role alone: RACK. Rural veterinary doctor Robert “Rack” Hansen, of course, he of the inexplicable nickname, fondness for cowboy hats, and habit of hitting on his brother’s widow by saying he’d like to “milk her.” A lesser man would’ve stopped with Rack, his legacy complete. Such a great, internationally beloved part, it’s a testament to Shatner’s skill as an actor that he’s escaped its shadow, the Kingdom of the Spiders conventions and catchphrases and reboots, and become known for more than just Rack. RACK. Rack. No seriously, he has people call him Rack and he thinks he’s a sexy cowboy. Rack.

Animals and people are dying of spider venom in Rack’s sleepy Arizona town, and when he and a foxy out-of-towner discover a gigantic hill of venomous spiders on a local farm they somehow don’t immediately make the connection, burn it down, and end the movie. What unfolds is a creeping, ridiculous, town-destroying horror, packed with more real live tarantulas than the basement home of that spooky pale guy who sold drugs outside your high school.

Rack up, put on your spider-stompiest shoes, and join Mike, Bill, and Kevin in the Kingdom of the Spiders!

Turns out hilarious re-imaginings of classic Hitchcock movies aren’t just for James Nguyen! They even dug up the original Norman Bates (aka, Anthony Perkins, you may know him from his other work in just kidding, obviously, just kidding) and his momma (quite literally) for this one! Not to mention the Motel and roadside homestead, and even the iconic shower scene! Because, when you see a timeless thriller beloved by millions, the thing you want most is to follow it with a sequel 22 years later that pays homage by just whizzing all over it in every way possible.

Norman gets released home to his family crime scene with some help from psychiatrist Robert Loggia, who’s tough and cool as always, but utterly inept as a psychiatrist. Despite the fact that Norman’s killing spree would’ve made national news, with college kids wearing ironic t-shirts of him in his mother’s dress by now, very few folks in his sleepy hometown seem to remember him at all. And those that do are eager to give him a job, or, in the case of Meg Tilly, go back to his home and spend the night, just for funsies. Only Dennis Franz (and, presumably, his bare bottom) is suspicious of the man who IS STILL OBVIOUSLY INSANE. But hey, who knows, maybe Norman’s fine now? JUST KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY, JUST KIDDING, HE’S STILL NUTS AND TELLS THEM SO HIMSELF MULTIPLE TIMES.

Join Mike, Bill, and Kevin for Psycho II, and turn the crank on Hitchcock’s grave one more time!

ATTENTION, WHOVIANS!

(for the uninitiated, that is not something Jay-Z yells at the beginning of a song, it’s a name for Doctor Who fans)

Before Matt Smith, before David Tennant, before Christopher Eccleston, before even the scarf and afro guy, there was Peter Cushing. Well, not before, exactly, because this feature-length movie isn’t a canonical part of the Doctor Who universe or storyline. So it’s sort of more adjacent, than before. It’s nearby, if nothing else. Approximate, at least. Like, Dr. Who is in it! But instead of a mysterious Timelord alien, he’s kind of just a confused human grandpa with the last name Who. But he does have a TARDIS! Of course, instead of a disguised alien craft it’s just, like, this junky thing he made with his granddaughter. Oh yeah, he hangs out with his granddaughters. Yeah. But then they travel through space and fight the most classic Dr. Who bad guys of all, the Daleks! Of course, in this imagining of Dr. Who, the Daleks are just some dopey trashcan looking guys with plungers sticking out of ‘em that talk funny -- oh, that’s how they still are? Seriously?? PERFECT! IT’S CANON AFTER ALL!

So no matter how much you know, don’t know, or don’t want to know about Dr. Who, this movie will fill your needs. Plus, the RiffTrax itself is totally canon, and an official part of the Mike, Kevin, and Bill timeline (unlike that regrettable one-off TV special, “RiffTrax goes to Hawaii”, which shall never be spoken of again). Exterminate Dr. Who and the Daleks today!

You know you’re in for a treat when we were considering starting this description, “When an Estonian cyborg defects to America...”

This Estonian cyborg, as you’ve come to expect from Estonian cyborgs by this point in time, is the ultimate killing machine. Played by The Actor You Get When Reb Brown is Making Something Even Crappier, he possesses the devastating ability to shoot lasers out of his eyes! For this reason he is called LaserEyes. Er, The Blinkinator. Maybe Cyclops from X-Men. No, it was Firehead! He’s called Firehead, since he can shoot fire lasers from his head eyes.

Who’s the most suitable man to track down Firehead and ensure that he doesn’t go on a rampage? Did you say Chris Lemmon, son of screen legend Jack? Of course you didn't. Did you know he existed? Well, have you ever seen someone really commit themselves to a terrible Jack Lemmon impression? Right, of course you haven’t. But take our word for it, Chris makes a strong case that the true villain of this movie is Hollywood Nepotism.

Actually, the real villain is a shadowy organization known as The Upper Order, which plots the beginning of World War III from a rented conference room at the airport Ramada. They are led by another legend, Oscar winner Christopher Plummer, who was having so much fun that he brought along fellow Oscar winner Martin Landau. Rumor has it they almost convinced Orson Welles to come along too, but he wanted to spend his twilight years pursuing dignified, artistHAHA! We almost made it through that sentence!

Join Mike, Kevin and Bill, all Estonian defectors themselves, as they riff LaserEy Firehead!