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Private Notes
Don King helps The Pope with his victory tour; Woody Allen discusses love and death with Fred; the former U.S. Presidents play Trivial Pursuit.
Ronald Reagan parachutes into D.C. Follies to hear Woody Allen's paranoia about becoming a father. Martin Mull has trouble getting a drink while Nixon, Ford, and Carter badger him for campaign contributions. After being hit on the head, Admiral Poindexter miraculously recalls the events of the Iran-Contra affair, and Nixon accompanies Reagan, Oliver North and Poindexter in a D.C. Follies version of the "Iranscam Rap."
Unhappy with low ratings, Dan Rather searches for a new image for the evening news. Mikhail Gorbachev arrives at D.C. Follies in preparation for the summit. It's discovered that Nixon's presidential library is a bookmobile. Fred becomes a celebrity for a few minutes when Robin Leach drops by looking for a guest for "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" but is pushed aside for Princess Di. Finally, Reagan creates a panic when he mistakes a radio broadcast of "War of the Worlds" for the real thing.
Prison escapee Sean Penn comes to DC Follies, where Fred and the rest of gang are preparing for the upcoming annual softball match. Also, President Reagan goes to the hospital for an operation and shares a room with Michael Jackson, Geraldo Rivera hosts his latest expose and Julia Duffy stops by.
Prince Charles comes to DC Follies, where he tries to win back his wife, Princess Diana. Ollie North has a new scam up his sleeves, while Gerald Ford has a new hair-growing remedy and Bob Uecker wants to run for President.
Caught up in the presidential campaign, Fred has a nightmare about zombie politicians. Mr. Rodgers broadcasts his show from Russia and ends up in their prison. Tammy Faye Bakker debuts her latest song and Betty White makes an appearance as a stripper for Jimmy Carter's birthday.
John Madden gives Fred a mechanical bull for the bar. Gerald Ford tries to ride it but gets thrown off head first into the wall, where he remains for the rest of the show. Dolly Parton, Barbara Streisand, and Cher testify at the space hearings. Jesse Jackson performs an uplifting song with Dolly, Barbara, and Cher singing backup. Fred's old flame Vanity shows up and turns the distinguished men of D.C. Follies into Jello. Jimmy Carter resolves a problem with his wife by taking her on a romantic date.
George Bush brainstorms for ways to get Reagan out of office. He tries to hypnotize the president but it backfires and he turns himself into "RoboBush." Jim and Tammy Bakker plan a movie version of their lives starring Sean Penn and Madonna. The Bakkers also fantasize about what their life would be like in the White House. Charlie Callas stops by to share his secret on how to attract girls. Sylvester Stallone chooses D.C. Follies as a location for his next movie and proceeds to blow up the bar.
Fred inherits a large sum of money which he invests on the advice of Richard Nixon. Needless to say, he loses all his money and is in danger of losing the bar. Nixon tries various ways to raise money for Fred, one of which is writing a children's fairy tale book. The regular D.C. Follies patrons band together to help save the bar by recording a song a la " We Are The World." Amidst all the charity events, Robert Klein makes an appearance on "Nightline" as spokesman for Jim and Tammy Bakker.
While riding in a limousine, Reagan and Gorbachev are harassed by Sam Donaldson. Back at D.C. Follies, Nixon plans a scam for his Cub Scout troupe. He is eventually caught, impeached from the organization and in his shame runs away. Mickey Gilley parks his jet outside and delivers a song written for and about the ex-presidents. George Bush fantasizes about not being a wimp and becomes George Bond. Nixon of course returns with a new scam involving man's best friend and a monkey.
John Madden gives a play-by-play of the events leading up to the summit. Sam Donaldson practices his menacing approach to journalism on the patrons at D.C. Follies. Nixon is angry about being left out of the summit talks, but quickly recovers and comes to the aid of Princess Di as her divorce lawyer which culminates in a festive royal divorce ceremony. Mort Sahl visits the bar and drives a few customers away with his political satire. Reagan and Gorbachev encounter some ups and downs at a secret location for their summit.
Barbara Walters, Sam Donaldson, Ted Kopel and Dan Rather do a song and dance about the news media. Woody Allen reveals that he is not really Woody Allen. George Bush, in an effort to get into the spotlight, falls into a well. Fred finally rescues him, but his moment of glory is over shadowed by Sean Penn and Madonna's reported breakup. Sam Donaldson fantasizes about creating the perfect presidential candidate and turns Fred into a monster. Rich Hall visits D.C. Follies and shares his sniglets with the patrons.
Santa Claus is confirmed to be real and he makes an appearance at D.C. Follies to hear everyone's Christmas wishes. Reagan attends a meeting of the defense department to learn about a new "A" bomb the size of an audio cassette, and then mistakenly gives Fred the cassette as a Christmas present. Gerald Ford then tries to disarm the bomb. The three ex-presidents play three ex-wise men and the D.C. Follies gang does a little caroling to the tune of "Christmas Day."
It's New Years Eve and everyone is making their resolutions. Fred feels he is becoming a doormat for his customers and resolves to change. Reagan takes to the airwaves on a home shopping show in an attempt to wipe out the national debt. Kissinger, Lee Iacocca and John Madden convince Fred that he has to get an angle so Fred sheds his Mr. Nice Guy image and in turn becomes a media hero. He snaps out of it in time to bail out Sean Penn. Ed Asner stops by for a drink and Reagan mistakes him for Gorbachev.
It's Richard Nixon's birthday and the gang at D.C. Follies give him a roast. Bob Hope, Rodney Dangerfield and all the regulars join in the festivities which include an opera based on Nixon's life. The cab driver, Paul Rodriguez, crashes the party and gets a chance to roast Nixon in lieu of payment.
Famous astrologer, Joyce Jillson, sets up shop at D.C. Follies to predict the future. She predicts Jane Fonda will be a very successful bag lady; Gary Hart will again drop out of the race; Reagan will boycott the Olympics; and Nixon will be the next President.
Lee Iacocca moves his Chrysler plant to outer space to avoid union problems on Earth. Barbara Streisand directs a movie at D.C. Follies starring Whoopi Goldberg. Nixon dreams of being a movie star. He is a detective and Heather Thomas is his client. Gerald Ford begins his law practice with an ironic commercial about personal injury. Sid and Marty Krofft open a newsstand outside the bar.
The Redskins vs. the Broncos in the Super Bowl. Dick Butkus is at D.C. Follies to host the pre-game show. He gives Fred and Nixon tickets to the game and the seats happen to be on the Redskin's bench. In the middle of the game there is a major earthquake, but the halftime show still goes on with Bob Hope leading Bruce Springsteen and Sammy Davis in the song "America is for Americans." The game then ends suddenly when the players call a strike. Fred and Nixon return home to have a nightcap with Jimmy the Greek.
Admiral Koop enlists the help of Sean Penn to campaign against smoking. They catch up with Rodney Dangerfield on an airplane and throw him into the arms of the police. Back at D.C. Follies, George Bush and Robert Dole are fighting like children. In an effort to find another arena to settle their differences, they agree to go on Sam Donaldson's new show "Political Jeopardy." George Bush also engages Don King as his manager to battle it out with Dan Rather. Pat Robertson makes an unusual plea for campaign contributions, and Alan Rachins plays a legal advisor for people who have been assaulted, abused, or arrested by Sean Penn.
The show opens with Donaldson, Kennedy, Iacocca and Koch playing a round of "Political Jeopardy." Back at D.C. Follies, It's Valentine's Day and Fred is pining over his lost love, Princess Di. He flashes back to memories of their relationship culminating in a "Casablanca" - type scene where Fred tells Di to marry Charles. Margaret Thatcher confides in Madonna to get help for her new image, which turns out to be a very unusual music video. Fred's faith in love is restored when another old flame, Mary Hart, comes into the bar. The moment is fleeting, however because Mary is really there to be interviewed by Barbara Walters.
Lee Iacocca becomes Lee Ayatollah, opens a Chrysler plant in Iran and is bombed by U.S. Tankers. Back at D.C. Follies, Bette Midler graphically describes to Fred the birth of her baby. Then Fred helps Mayor Koch design a campaign slogan. Richard Belzer, thinking of opening a comedy club in Washington, stops by to "work the room" and is arrested by Sean Penn. Dan Dierdorf, Al Michaels and Frank Gifford regale us with Olympic Moments. Sam Donaldson has an "Isn't it True" seizure and attacks everyone at the bar. Mayor Koch and Whoopi Goldberg discuss the homeless while Jesse Jackson and Pat Robertson discuss giving up their Reverend titles.
Rona Barret is on hand at the Grammys to introduce the arriving celebrities, while Whoopi Goldberg presents a Grammy to Barbara Streisand who relentlessly thanks herself. Steve Allen stops by and he and Fred try to crack the secret service's code for the presidential candidates, which consists of old TV show titles. Nixon remembers that the recording industry was behind a conspiracy to get him out of office and that they left clues in lyrics to certain songs. Bette Midler wonders why Sam Donaldson is so uptight and Fred tells her what they were like in the 60's. Fred takes us to "Woodstock" where Sam is awakened to the cruel reality of the world. He decides he's the one that must point out the truth.
Jimmy the Greek explains to Fred how TV evangelists are different from other people. Sylvester Stallone is worried about losing money if Gorbachev pulls his troop from Afghanistan -- He won't be able to make movies without a war-torn country to shoot in. Kissinger needs a quote for the jacket of his new book. He calls Eddie Murphy, who agrees to have his chauffeur read it. Phyllis Diller drops in to talk about her new role as a cosmetic surgery consultant to the presidential candidates. Ford begs Nixon to read a story from his bedtime tales. He chooses "The Unbelievable Shrinking Man."
Having been campaigning in the south for so long, the presidential candidates find themselves selected for jury duty. In this parody of "Twelve Angry Men," our jury must decide the fate of a jaywalker. Their debate turns into a song and dance about the upside down world of the primaries. Back in Washington...at D.C. Follies Bob Hope tells of his Vietnam nightmares when his U.S.O. show performed there with Jane Fonda. Mr. Rogers explains voting procedures and describes some of the presidential candidates to his audience. John Ratzenberger drops by to swap statistics with Reagan, Meese, and Mayor Koch about current world problems.
