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Private Notes
Immediately after watching "Queen of the Damned" back in '02 I rushed to the Circuit City to buy the alt-goth soundtrack. I listened to it for days. What I'm trying to say is that I was really cool, and had a ton of friends, and girls for sure let me touch their boobs like all the time.
Y'know, I've been silent long enough. Some things simply need to be said and so be it if I'm the only one with the balls to step up:
That Kate Beckinsale is quite pretty.
BOOM! Come at me, Internet!
A cold, emotionless women who demands obedience and obliterates any shred of will and individuality? Sounds like my wife. Aaghaaahahahahahahahaaaaa! Oh man, that's good. Hit it out of the god-damn park that time. Wait'll I tell the fellas down at the lodge.
Has anyone else noticed that in "A New Hope" everyone on Tatooine wears some kind of weird tribal desert karate robe but Aunt Beru is just dressed like a 1970's bank teller?
If Trump could get his handsies on some of this Rule 34, perhaps he'd open his eyes to the artistic talents that populate this country. Imagine the points he could score with the artsie folks if he plopped a saucy fellatio scene on the Oval Office wall.
Rest assured, I'd give Dory a night she'd never forget.Will you excuse me for a moment?(stands up, calmly pushes in chair, walks out of production trailer, pays homeless man to bludgeon him with a rusted pipe)
In the gameplay video system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups -- the personalities who play the games, and the incredibly hard-working, kind, handsome, surprisingly well-endowed, and sexually attentive production staff who edit the content. These are their stories.
Y'know, it's funny. I always thought that by this age I would own a house, have a few little ones running around, and maybe a have job that didn't involve looking at cartoons of anthropomorphized animals banging each other. Study hard, kids.
With a very sharp knife, split the tough skin-like muscle that surrounds each testicle. Remove the skin (you can remove the skin easily if the testicles are frozen, then peel while thawing). Either leave whole or slice each testicle into approximately 1/4- to 1/2-inch-thick ovals. Place slices in a large pan or blow with enough beer to cover them; cover and let sit 2 hours.In a shallow bowl, combine eggs, flour, cornmeal, salt, and pepper.Remove testicles from beer; drain and dredge thoroughly in the flour mixture.In a large, deep pot, heat oil to 375 degrees F. Deep fry 3 minutes or until golden brown (will rise to the surface when done). Drain on paper towels.Serve warm with your favorite hot pepper sauce.
Please send all of your XBox 360 OXM points to Funhaus, c/o [email protected]
Michael Ironside has beat two different types of cancer on two non-consecutive occasions. I guess we can give him a pass on Lake Placid 3 and Jett Jackson: The Movie. But that's it.
There's a certain Rule 34 artist out there. You know who you are. You have simultaneously sickened, delighted, and impressed all of us this week. Hats off to you and your unnerving attention to detail. You are truly gifted. Now knock it the f**k off.
"Okay Bing... where is the nearest pizza place?... Bing?... Bing, where is the nearest pizza place? Bing?! Bing, are you alright?! Bing! Why won't you answer me? Everybody, please, there's something wrong with Bing! Honey, quick, check on all of our Zunes!"
Sick flow, Elyse! Not since Len conquered the summer of 1999 with their infectious hit "Steal My Sunshine" has a white, middle-class, Canadian rapper appropriated African-American culture so shamelessly.
Piercing the shining clouds, I fly away (fly away),
While a panorama spreads through my body.
Kicked in the face, the Earth gets angry (gets angry),
And makes a volcano explode!
Within the melted polar ice,
If there’s a dinosaur, I want to train it to balance on a ball!
CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA
No matter what happens, I feel like it’s no big deal!
CHA-LA HEAD CHA-LA
Just as loudly as my heart pounds,
The Genki-Dama roars... Sparking!
"Billy Hatcher has a unique style of gameplay revolving around rolling large eggs. The player controls the hero, Billy, who cannot do much by himself aside from moving and jumping."
When you get a voice-acting part in a kick-started nostalgia-machine, be a less lame character than Billy Hatcher.
Faith No More seamlessly combined the genres of rap and rock, paving the way for such influential bands as Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Legz Diamond, Lorp Puritz, Lizzle Skiz, Mads Mikkelsen, and probably some other awful piles of garbage.
I was looking up facts about Jamie Kennedy in order to better mock him in this description and then I saw his net worth so now I'm just gonna shut my stupid poor mouth and go back to my one bedroom apartment next to the homeless encampment.
Hey baby, you're looking real sexy tonight. Bet you'd look a whole lot sexier crumpled up on my bedroom floor. Wait! Sorry. That came out weird. What I meant was that I'd be most attracted to you once you've lost consciousness and collapsed into an uncomfortable pile on my floor. Say. Sweet taser you've got there.
Really, Guardian of the Galaxy Vol. 2?! Multiple god-damned Stan Lee cameos? Still? Why are you acting this way? I thought we were friends.
I'm in no position to tell anyone how to do their job, but I think it might be really nice to have one episode of Demo Disk where James doesn't threaten to blow up an airport.
A lot of people think it's silly that Mike Tyson get's to star in all these movies and cartoons and one man shows.
"He's just a washed up boxer." they say.
Not true.
He's also a serial wife-beater and convicted rapist.
"Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li" would have been a better film if every part had been played by Raul Julia's corpse.
I'm sorry. That was crass and insensitive. Raul Julia's corpse would never have lowered itself to appear in that piece of s*** movie.
You just know that right now, somewhere in Hollywood, Paul Walker's brother is standing outside Vin Diesel's house with mo-cap dots drawn all over his face screaming his ideas for the next 3 Fast and Furious movies at a closed window.
Make fun of that movie all you want, but if Morgan Freeman and peak Angelina Jolie came up to you and asked you to kill some dude because a loom said so, you'd probably do it too.
It has to stop. Jon will just keep making these disk demolitions more elaborate and dangerous until somebody gets seriously hurt. Is there no limit to your collective bloodlust? Shame on all of you.
By the way: Pre-order your "Jon Smith Official Disk Demolisher Cape and Hood" today! Only in the Rooster Teeth Store!
"Alright Mr. Cruise, your Top Gun sequel has been green-lit! Production starts later this year."
"Great! We're gonna need to crank out some hits for the soundtrack. Bring me the corpse of Kenny Loggins!"
"... Uh... Kenny Loggins is still alive, sir."
"You heard me."
"I hope this beautiful chest day is treating you well, and that you are all going to be blessed with a chest pump that even Arnold would be envious of.
If you don’t have a chest day routine that you’re getting ready to crush in the gym this evening, then I’ve got your back. I wrote up a sick chest routine specifically designed to cause serious pain, and as a result, serious growth.
Where most bros fuck up though is they depend far too much on the barbell bench, and pressing movements in general.
When it comes to building an aesthetic chest, building your upper pecs is one of the biggest keys there is. A developed upper chest can lift your pecs, make them show more in a v-neck, and gives a more well rounded look."
I love that these people exist.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt any of the disk-breaking stunts you see on this program. Also, no matter what James tells you, shocks from a stun-gun do not actually make you stronger. And please, for the love of god, DO NOT under any circumstances eat one of Jon's fannypack sandwiches.
Erectile dysfunction is no big deal. It happens to every man on occasion. Sure, sometimes more than that. Well, I wouldn't say "usually". More often than not. Maybe, nearly, almost every time. Fine. Every time. But I haven't heard any complaints yet. Well, maybe a few...
They'll let celebrities get away with anything as long as they can dance. Chris Brown beat the holy christ of Rihanna, Michael Jackson got to diddle all those kids, and they barely bat an eye when Channing Tatum torched that hospital full of war orphans.
I took a trip to the official Warner Bros Space Jam website for some description material. I clicked on a green planet labelled "Jump Station" and found this actual message:
"Well, we've got no idea how you got here, but you've discovered a now-empty page of information. Congratulations. Now please go somewhere else. Thank you."
You're welcome, Space Jam. You're welcome.
"The housewife was found in the doghouse, strangled with a leash, with Beggin' Strips shoved into every hole. I guess you could say she liked it a little too..."
(puts on sunglasses)
"... harsh."
"YEEAAAA-wait what?"
Bonjour. Je m'excuse. Je ne pouvais penser à rien d'ingénieux à écrire pour cette description. À la place d'une petite blague intelligente, j'ai inclus un discours d'un de mes films préférés. Amusez-vous.
"Ne vous rendez-vous compte? La prochaine fois que vous verrez le ciel, ce sera sur une autre ville. La prochaine fois que vous faites un test, ce sera dans une autre école. Nos parents, ils veulent les meilleures choses pour nous. Mais maintenant, ils doivent faire ce qui leur convient. Parce que c'est leur temps. Leur temps! Là-haut! En bas, c'est notre temps. C'est notre temps ici. Tout au long de la seconde, nous montons le seau de Troy."
Be sure to stay tuned until the end of the episode to see some nipples. Big, juicy, perfectly pink nipples. Old, hairy, suspiciously male nipples. Yes, they're Jon's.
Listen, we didn't have the internet when we were young. If you couldn't find a soggy old magazine in the woods, sometimes the best a growing boy could hope for was a peak of butt crack in a video game's intro scene. Don't you dare judge us!
Professions that get you laid the most (in order):
1. Being Tiger Woods.
2. Motorcross bro.
3. NHL player.
4. International DDR Champion.
5. Every other job.
Last. YouTube comedy channel uploader.
"Thanks for seeing me, Doc. I've been having some seriously painful digestive problems lately."
"Hhhm. That can be that can be the result of a variety of issues. Tell me, Jon, have you made any unusual changes to your diet lately?"
"... Define unusual."
If you are one of our more tender viewers who found this video a little too racist, please bear in mind that we film for an hour. Just imagine what we cut out. Lets just say it involved a lot scotch tape on Bruce's eyelids and leave it at that.
You'd all better god-damned appreciate the hell out of "Mothers Be Aware" when the boys finally unlock it. Editing these is taking its toll on poor Daniel. He doesn't eat. He doesn't sleep. The other morning I came into the bungalow and found him standing in the corner like the end of The Blair Witch Project.
Cool runnings came out in 1993. I came out in 1991. In case you're wondering if I'm Bones or not, it's up to you to learn the truth.
I can't believe the journey is at an end. Over the past eleven weeks I've grown to love, then hate, then love this stupid song all over again. The pure joy on the faces of these men makes it all worth while. You are about to witness a truly singular and beautiful moment. Also, they look at pictures of Wallace and Gromit banging.
Fun Movie Trivia Time!
Q: For how many consecutive hours did the producers of "Mrs Doubtfire" beat each other off after they came up with the idea to put "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on the soundtrack?
A: Trick question! They're still rubbing each other ragged to this day.
You guys have heard of the "Madden Curse" right? Where almost every player to appear on the box art for the game gets injured and benched the following season. It's kinda scary, but not nearly as scary as the other Madden curse: adult onset diabetes.
Best look out, Tom Hanks' other son! There's some new, even whiter rappers on the scene! Wheezy E and Not So Lil Jon are gonna spit the dopest rhy- oh Jesus I can't do this. I feel like I'm typing in blackface.
Music track for Demo Diss: Judgement Day by The Thunderclaps on Ejectorseat Records.
Oh man, I'd really like to make fun of that singer from Static-X but in the early 2000s I was only about three inches of spikes and 4 STDs away from being that guy.
INT - MTV OFFICES 1992 "Alright gentlemen, I hear there's a pubescent kid in Southern California named Bones who's just starting to figure out his sexuality. What can we do to reeeaaaally throw a wrench in those works?" And so, Aeon Flux was born.
Ugh boy. The guys picked the exact wrong time to play a game where the main focus of the commentary is the boob-physics of a scantily-clad, child-like pixie. Oh well, we had a good run. See you in the unemployment line, everybody!
Hey, nerds. You know how Lovecraft does that thing where he cheats and says that things are so horrific that they can't be described in words? Right after I did a quality check on this video, Daniel called me over to look at the Rule 34 "art" that was too offensive to show in this video. I get it now. Cut out my eyes and bring on the inky eldritch blackness!
"Hey, Bones! We really need a description for that Demo Disk where we look at Ninja Turtle stuff!" "Alright, alright! Give me a sec! Hmmm... turtles... turtles..." (googles actual turtle penises, calls mom crying, pours hot sand into eyes)
Sorry I don't have anything clever for you today. I asked the interns what Dragonball Z was about so I could write this description but I couldn't hear their response over the sound of every vagina in Culver City drying out simultaneously.
After the reception Jon and the disk scampered off while the rest of the Funhaus gang stood with bated breath until the sheet covered in Jon's blood was hung ceremoniously out of the bedroom window.
