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Private Notes
Olive gets her foot stuck in the toilet tank after trying to stand on the broken tank lid. In trying to extricate it, however, Stanley ends up breaking the whole tank. When Stanley tries to avoid paying the stiff price for a new toilet -- and plans to use the money earmarked for Olive's birthday present in the process -- she insists that he choose an orange toilet with a purple lid.
Olive is concerned that Arthur has visited the free clinic three times in one week, and that this may be a sign he's seriously ill. Stanley isn't as concerned about Arthur's well-being, but under pressure from his mother, Stanley calls the clinic, and is informed that Arthur hasn't visited the clinic in weeks. Olive, Stanley, and their mother fear that this can mean only one thing: Arthur has found another woman.
On their seventh wedding anniversary, Olive and Arthur have a terrible fight when Arthur tries to save money by "recycling" the anniversary card he gave Olive the year before. This leads them to initiate a "trial separation" - except that because Arthur is unemployed, the "separation" consists of his sleeping first on the living room couch, and then trying to bunk with Stanley.
Stanley's mother invites a librarian over for dinner, thinking she'll be a "nice girl" for Stanley to meet. Initially irritated at his mother's matchmaking, Stanley soon changes his mind when he sees how attractive the woman is. As Stanley starts to woo her on his own, however, she warns him that she's not really the kind of girl he thinks.
Frustrated at the rising cost of living and Arthur's continuing unemployment, Stanley gives Arthur an ultimatum: get a job, or he'll get no more food paid for by Stanley. Arthur agrees, but another complication arises: Arthur doesn't have a presentable suit for an interview. Stanley's pal Bummy comes up with a solution: Arthur can "borrow" an expensive suit from the bus company's Lost and Found Department long enough for one interview that looks like a good prospect.
Stanley and Olive notice that their mother has gone out three nights in a row supposedly to do the laundry at a laundromat. They become even more suspicious when she almost forgets the laundry bag before she leaves. But then Bummy comes by and partially solves the mystery: he saw her the night before going into a bar -- accompanied by a gentleman.
Tired of hearing Stanley complain about bills, Arthur offers Stanley an easy way to make money - by following Arthur's horse racing tips. Stanley refuses, but his mother insists upon placing a $2.00 bet on one of Arthur's hot tips. Stanley believes that this is both foolish and immoral - but reconsiders when two of Arthur's recommendations pay off.
The City of New York sends the Belmonts a letter that in order to expand its airport, it intends to condemn the cemetery plot where Stanley's and Olive's late father (and their mother's late husband) is buried. At first they balk at moving him, but change their minds when they learn that the City is offering $2,000 for the land. Then Stanley comes to believe that he can finally get his long-desired color television set if they can find a replacement plot for substantially less than the $2,000.
Stanley has been suffering from insomnia, and his fatigue begins to affect his job performance. When Bummy advises him that this could lead to a demotion back to driving a bus, Stanley reluctantly decides to visit Dr. Schrager, the company psychiatrist. Dr. Schrager pinpoints the likely cause of his insomnia as Stanley's resentment over Arthur. But the cure he suggests -- that Stanley start being nice to Arthur -- could be worse than the disease.
Stanley becomes frustrated at his lack of success at getting dates with the women in his little black book, so Bummy suggests a change in his image. First he helps Stan get a "mod" velvet suit at a contemporary clothing store, and then takes him to a singles bar. But when women still seem a bit reluctant to respond to Stanley, he decides to do something about his biggest problem -- his hair (or lack thereof).
A telegram arrives one evening for Arthur, and after some hesitation he opens it to learn that his rich, 93 year-old Uncle Elroy from Montana has died and left him something. Stanley insists that Arthur call the lawyer to learn what he is to inherit. Arthur initially tries to hide that he's supposed to receive $20,000 from his uncle's estate. This gives Stanley visions of being able to recapture some of Arthur's expenses that he's paid over the years -- but it turns out that the inheritance comes with a catch.
Stanley is visited by a police lieutenant who advises him that the Lost and Found Department might be used as a "drop" in a drug deal, though only after a couple of dry runs. Stanley recalls a suspicious incident that very day in which one man brought in a package, and then another man claimed it almost immediately. The lieutenant gives Stanley his telephone number and enlists Stanley as his "inside man" to help catch the drug dealers -- although as the possible danger becomes apparent, Stanley begins to have second thoughts about his public-spiritedness.
Stanley has been dating a new woman named Marsha, and invites her to dinner to meet his family. As the evening progresses, Stanley decides that it's finally time to "pop the question." He learns, however, that as a modern woman, Marsha has other ideas about how a couple should determine their compatibility -- before marriage.
One of Stanley's old friends from the neighborhood, Nunzio Farentino, is now Rick Ferris, a successful singer who lives in Hollywood. When the Belmonts learn that Nunzio/Rick is putting on a show in New York, they get the idea to call him for free tickets. Stanley decides to take advantage of the tickets to get a date with an attractive woman in the parts department at the bus company -- but things don't work out quite as Stanley intends.
The Belmonts entertain Stanley's former acquaintance from high school, Wilma Wallachek, who at that time was known as "Two-Ton Wallachek." Wilma is now out of the Marine Corps, slimmed down considerably, and the widow of an elderly man who ran a cat food company. Wilma, still grateful to Stanley because he was the only boy who was kind to her in high school, offers him a job with her company, at a substantial increase in pay over the bus company. Stanley, though put off by some of Wilma's annoying personal quirks, eagerly accepts -- but soon learns that Wilma has an ...
The annual bus company talent show has come around again, with the first prize a week's vacation in Miami. Stanley and Bummy Pfitzer initially discuss reviving their routine as a music and comedy duo. But when they have a falling out, Stanley decides to present a magic act (which owes more than a little to Dom DeLuise's alter ego as inept magician "Dominick the Great"). To complete the act, he recruits the voluptuous Reenee Muldoon as his stage assistant -- whom he also would like to accompany him on the trip to Miami if he wins.
The Belmont household is the victim of a burglary. Not getting much help from the police, Stanley decides to install a burglar alarm, but finds that it is not particularly effective. So Stanley decides to move on to an alternate plan -- getting a killer watchdog.
Stan decides to compete for the part of "Driver Dan," the bus company's spokesman in a series of local television commercials. His "everyman" looks -- such as being chubby and balding -- seem to get him the part. But when he's invited to audition on a television set, Stan discovers that there's more to appearing in a television commercial than just smiling and saying a few words for the camera.
Because of the energy crisis, more people are riding the bus, and more items are piling up in the Lost and Found department, creating a different crisis for Stanley. Stanley's boss decides to hire an assistant for Stanley, and Stanley suggests a "guy he knows" -- his ne'er-do-well brother-in-law Arthur. Stanley soon discovers that not only does this mean working eight hours a day with his detested relative, but that his boss shows signs of preferring Arthur as an employee over Stanley.
Arthur discovers that his old Navy buddy Monroe is being treated at the same clinic that Arthur uses. Arthur invites Monroe over to dinner, and Stanley finds Monroe to be the same kind of freeloader as Arthur. But Monroe helps bring change to the Belmont household when Arthur reacts to an insult from Stanley by moving into Monroe's apartment.
Bummy has fallen hard for his new girlfriend, Gloria -- so much so that he's even thrown away his little black book. While he's off visiting his parents in Boston, Bummy asks Stanley to take Gloria out, so that he can be sure no one else is dating her. Stanley complies -- and is astonished to find that Gloria begins to prefer his company to the handsome Bummy.
While trying to fix a hole in his kitchen ceiling, Stanley is injured in a fall from a ladder. He finds that the cost of medical treatment and physical therapy will place a serious financial burden on him -- enough of a burden, in fact, that he begins to consider Bummy's suggestion that he recreate the injury on the job so that his treatment will be covered by worker's compensation.
