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Never the Twain

All Episodes 1981 - 1991

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  • Ended
  • ITV
  • 1981-09-06T23:00:00Z
  • 30 mins
  • 1 day, 9 hours, 30 mins (67 episodes)
  • United Kingdom
  • English
  • Comedy
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Simon Peel and Oliver Smallbridge contest a bitter rivalry in all that they do. Not only are they next-door neighbours, they are also rivals in the antiques market (formerly business partners, they are now pursuing trade individually). Typifying his character, Peel believes that he deals in the best end of the business, Smallbridge the tatty end.
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67 episodes

1x01 Families at War

  • Series Premiere

    1981-09-06T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

The feuding fathers find out about the relationship between their son and daughter and consider taking steps to prevent a marriage.

1x02 Of Meissen Men

  • 1981-09-13T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Veronica appears on the scene - causing Simon and Oliver to compete for more than antiquities.

1x03 A Night at the Opera

  • 1981-09-20T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Veronica wants to go to the opera in Edinburgh. Simon and Oliver each compete to be her date. Simon has to find a replacement aupere.

1x04 A Matched Pair

  • 1981-09-27T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver's antiques shop is burgled. A pair of pistols is reported missing, but when these mysteriously turn up in Simon's shop Oliver turns this misfortune into an opportunity to make money from an insurance claim. Simon is arrested when a police officer spots the pistols in his shop window. To encourage Oliver to assist him in getting the charges dropped he agrees to help Oliver get membership at his golf club.

1x05 Nothing But the Truth

  • 1981-10-04T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver beats Simon to a painting they both want. But is it a Constable or not? David confesses propositioning another woman, jeopardising their engagement.

1x06 Father of the Groom

  • 1981-10-18T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon holds a dinner for Oliver, Lyn and David, his ulterior motive being to expose Oliver's lack of etiquette. Lyn prepares for her move into Simon and David's home. David and Lyn's wedding day arrives.

2x01 Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed?

  • Season Premiere

    1982-09-06T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon nominates Oliver for membership of his golf club. Oliver holds a function for the committee members to win their support. Lyn and David are on their honeymoon and return to find Oliver and Simon quarrelling over their wedding presents.

2x02 As Young as You Feel

  • 1982-09-13T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon and Oliver seek to win Veronica's affections. Oliver reaches the age of 50. Lyn is concerned about her father being lonely, but David is concerned about the amount of time she spends with him.

2x03 A Woman's Place ...

  • 1982-09-20T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

David and Lyn quarrel about her taking a full-time job. Oliver seeks a new cleaner. Simon is losing to Oliver in a telephone chess game and becomes suspicious about Oliver's apparent skill at the game.

2x04 Blood Brothers

  • 1982-09-27T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon needs a blood transfusion, but he has a rare blood type. Oliver has the same blood type and agrees to donate in return for favours from Simon, including dating Veronica.

2x05 lf You Knew Susan

  • 1982-10-04T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon's sister visits him and Oliver immediately falls for her. Simon and Oliver each purchase one of a pair of figurines and then attempt to purchase the others to make a valuable pair.

2x06 The More We Are Together

  • 1982-10-11T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver and Simon each separately consider reforming their partnership due to the poor state of their accounts and the imminent arrival of the taxman.

3x01 Taking Stock

  • Season Premiere

    1983-10-09T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver and Simon have re-entered their partnership. They decide to do a stocktake. Oliver meets up with an old school friend, Bethan. Confusion ensues over a fake watch and a "pair" of candlesticks.

3x02 Partners

  • 1983-10-16T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon receives an offer for his shop. Oliver thinks that Ringo has won the pools and breaks his partnership with Simon, offering Ringo a partnership. However, thinks are not what they seem for either man.

3x03 A Nose For Quality

  • 1983-10-24T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Both Simon and Oliver believe that they have appointments to meet Lady Deveraux with a view to purchasing some of her antiques. But do either of them actually have the appointment that they think they have?

3x04 The End Of The Line

  • 1983-10-31T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver and Simon discuss the issue of grandchildren. David claims to have had a vasectomy. Oliver and Simon join a dating agency as an alternative route to continuing their family lines.

3x05 The Welsh Connection

  • 1983-11-07T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon and Oliver go on a health kick. An auction in Wales causes disagreement between the two men.

3x06 Not On The Same Wavelength

  • 1983-11-14T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon and Oliver are invited as guests onto a radio show. The two men become convinced that Lyn is pregnant.

4x01 A Home Of Your Own

  • Season Premiere

    1984-11-08T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

David and Lyn have moved to Canada. Simon needs to find someone to rent his flat quickly before his Aunt Eleanor moves in.

4x02 The Royal Connection

  • 1984-11-15T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver attempts to gain the Royal Warrant for his shop from the Prince of Wales. Simon investigates his family tree in the hope of finding that he has blue blood.

4x03 Words And Music

  • 1984-11-22T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver and Simon volunteer to perform at a Vet Circle luncheon for Caroline. But will Simon make it to the stage, and who is the canine-friendly performer?

4x04 No Flame Like An Old Flame

  • 1984-11-29T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon's life becomes complicated when an old sweetheart pays him an unexpected visit.

4x05 Love's Neighbours' Lost

  • 1984-12-06T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver and Simon duel over a woman, Caroline. But they find that there is another man vying for her affections.

4x06 Come Fly With Me

  • 1984-12-13T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon and Oliver are in for an adventure when they book a flight to Canada.

5x01 In Whom We Tryst

  • Season Premiere

    1986-01-08T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon hires a beautiful young shop assistant, who then confesses her love for him and suggests they go off for the weekend. Meanwhile, Oliver gets the same invitation, but neither of them ends up meeting her...

5x02 Going, Going, Gone

  • 1986-01-15T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon and Oliver sneak off to an auction individually, trying to cover their true intentions to buy a grandfather clock, then end up in the same inn in the same room.

5x03 Thicker Than Water

  • 1986-01-22T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon admits he is an orphan to Oliver, but he may have just run into his long lost parents...

5x04 Kung Who

  • 1986-01-29T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver lives to regret his decision to take up judo

5x05 Reading Between The Lines

  • 1986-02-05T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon and Oliver plot to thwart a real-estate agent's plans to destroy their neighborhood.

5x06 Definitely Not Cricket

  • 1986-02-12T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon and Oliver are invited to play cricket for the local team.

6x01 Feed A Cold

  • Season Premiere

    1987-01-15T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon has a cold and Oliver offers to look after him.

6x02 Going To Pot

  • 1987-01-22T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Ringo decides to get some culture. After meeting one of his teachers, Simon and Oliver are pleased to accept his invitation to dinner and Simon makes a discovery in the kitchen cupboard.

6x03 Love ls A Many Splendoured Thing

  • 1987-01-29T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver has fallen in love, however trouble arises after he meets his future mother-in-law.

6x04 A Night To Remember

  • 1987-02-05T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Burglars are in the neighbourhood, leading to an eventful night for the two households.

6x05 The Battle Of Deveraux Dale

  • 1987-02-12T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Lady Deveraux asks Simon and Oliver to take part in a historical re-enactment of a Civil War battle, the battle of Deveraux Dale, at the village fete. On the opposing side is the bookie, Bernie Miller, who has a score to settle.

6x06 Affair of the Heart

  • 1987-02-19T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon's ex-wife Stephanie arrives unexpectedly.

7x01 Settled Out Of Court

  • Season Premiere

    1988-01-27T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

A legal dispute arises between the two antique dealers following an incident in Oliver's shop.

7x02 The Wagers Of Sin

  • 1988-03-03T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver and Simon decide to have a wager on who can make the most profit on an item chosen by the other.

7x03 Betrothed, Bothered And Bewildered

  • 1988-02-10T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

After a boozy night out, Banks remembers that he has proposed to Mrs Sadler. However, neither wants to go through with it, although they don't know that.

7x04 The Second Time Around

  • 1988-02-17T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Mrs Sadler is missing Banks. Fortunately, there is a happy ending for both of them.

7x05 Born To Blush Unseen

  • 1988-02-24T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Gardening Time. Oliver has something to show from his gardening efforts.

7x06 Fasten Your Seat Belts

  • 1988-03-02T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon and Oliver board a plane for Canada.

8x01 Grandfathers-In-Law

  • Season Premiere

    1988-10-24T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Lyn and David, with their baby Martin, return from Canada, causing great excitement to Simon and Oliver. However, the grandfathers have to learn to cope with the baby more than they had anticipated.

8x02 Nursery Times

  • 1988-10-31T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Lyn and David are looking for a flat while staying at Simon's house. But Oliver would like them to stay with him too.

8x03 Whose Baby?

  • 1988-11-07T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

The christening is scheduled and Stephanie, Simon's ex, is invited, causing anxiety for both Simon and Oliver.

8x04 Never Say Die

  • 1988-11-14T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon has to go into hospital but confusion arises.

8x05 Moving On

  • 1988-11-21T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

The house-hunting by Lyn and David reaches a conclusion. It causes Simon and Oliver to think about their own situation.

8x06 It's A Long Way To Friern Barnet

  • 1988-11-28T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Lyn and David move to their new flat. Oliver and Simon decide to help them by redecorating the flat.

9x01 Just The Ticket

  • Season Premiere

    1989-09-05T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

A series of mishaps contribute to a difficult day for Simon and, especially, Oliver.

9x02 A Point Of Honour

  • 1989-09-12T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon advertises for an assistant for his shop but runs into trouble after interviewing one applicant.

9x03 A New Lease Of Life

  • 1989-09-19T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon is feeling melancholic and decides to make a big change to his life.

9x04 Aspects Of Love

  • 1989-09-26T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon arouses Oliver's suspicions and, in turn, Oliver is the subject of a rumour. These lead to gossip in the village.

9x05 Neighbours

  • 1989-10-03T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon holds a meeting of the Residents' Association. There is a new resident who is about to move in and this leads to a sleepless night for both Simon and Oliver.

9x06 Bonjour Paris

  • 1989-10-10T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Off to Paris but soon they are in trouble at the restaurant and with the police, also causing a lot of trouble to an embassy official.

9x07 A Winter's Tale

  • 1989-12-28T00:00:00Z — 30 mins

Christmas time. Simon and Oliver volunteer to keep watch overnight in the local church.

10x01 X Marks The Spot

  • Season Premiere

    1990-09-04T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver and Simon both decide to stand for election to the local Council.

10x02 S.W.A.L.K.

  • 1990-09-11T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon has a female pen-pal who he is looking forward to meeting, with a view to marriage. However, the reality is different.

10x03 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

  • 1990-09-18T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Both Oliver and Simon are doing the pools and hope to win big. After Oliver makes a mistake, Simon takes the opportunity to have some fun.

10x04 Happy Holiday

  • 1990-09-25T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

A weekend away for Simon and Oliver in Ringo's mother's country cottage. Trouble is that it's the wrong weekend.

10x05 There But For The Grace Of God

  • 1990-10-02T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon comes across an old acquaintance who is down on their luck.

10x06 A Car By Any Other Name

  • 1990-10-09T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

The vicar wants to sell his car and gets Simon to help, while Oliver is also selling his car. A confusing time is the result.

11x01 Viva Espana

  • Season Premiere

    1991-09-03T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Ringo wins a holiday in a competition and they all go to Spain.

11x02 The Best Laid Plans

  • 1991-09-10T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

It is the 10th anniversary of the two antique dealers being in business; they decide to go out to have a meal and visit the theatre. But they encounter some difficulties.

11x03 Born Again

  • 1991-09-17T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Simon is searching for the meaning of life and thinks he has found it after listening to a preacher in the park. Oliver, however, sees a business opportunity.

11x04 There Goes The Bride

  • 1991-09-24T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Aunt Eleanor decides to get married after a whirlwind romance.

11x05 Two Fools And Their Money

  • 1991-10-01T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Both Simon and Oliver are in financial difficulties and decide to approach their bank manager.

11x06 The First Of The Queue

  • 1991-10-08T23:00:00Z — 30 mins

Oliver tells Simon about a bargain in a shop, which leads to extraordinary efforts by the two to be first in the queue to buy it.

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