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Private Notes
Joel's not in this one, so there's really no reason to watch it. There is sex, fear, and BDSM, but I repeat: no Joel
Freddie Wong agreed to drop by our office for some reason - we're still not sure why. We think maybe he was hungry and looking for free food. Anyway, we made him do an Open Haus.
Joel and Spoole BOTH got a haircut after recording this video. RIP ginger/jew locks.
Welcome to the Brown Baby Bungalow, how can we help you!? Today our specials are the Brown Baby Back Beefcakes with Babysauce and Bungalow Coq au Vin - easy on the vin, but heavy on the coq ;)
Tell your parents not to watch; this Open Haus has some ADULT THEMES.
Or wait - is your mom hot? If so she can watch, and maybe send us a reaction video on Snapchat. Our name is FunhausTeam - tell her to snap up there.
Anyway, happy Prom!
In case you get offended by this week's Open Haus, the only thing I can tell you is to watch a Mel Brooks movie. ANY Mel Brooks movie.
Also: remember the HAUS part of our name...
GAME OF THRONES SPOILER ALERT
HELLO TAMPA BAY! We are SEXX SWING and we're here to cock your rocks off!! Tonight we'll be playing all your favorite hits, including
SEXX SWING
FUX SLIDE
DIRTY MONKEY BARS
TITTY TOTTER
BUTT STUFF (Jungle Gym Remix)
AND OTHERS! Be sure to hit the merch table for some tour shirts, only $55 each. And remember: only losers do drugs! Stay clean!!
The RT Store is having a SAAALE!!! http://bit.ly/1HYqb1q
Oh man, this episode has it all! Homoerotic fan fiction, Spoole's workout regimen, Adam doing a dumb Game of Thrones voice, and everyone's favorite character, Big Piece of Cardboard!!
Big Piece of Cardboard will be back every week now by popular demand! Look for Big Piece of Cardboard in Dude Soup, Demo Disk, and a very special episode of Luscious, all coming up soon!!
Joel got sick so he couldn't write a description for this. Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts
Open haus
Is a very very very fine haus
With Adam, Bruce, and James
Joel's jokes are really lame
Now everything is stupid cause of you
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala
Open Haus is BACK and BETTER THAN EVER! With this limited time offer YOU TOO can own a piece of INTERNET TELEVISION WHATEVER HISTORY!!!
Most other YouTube channels give you one question; not Funhaus! We give you not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, BUT SEVEN FULL QUESTIONS and WE EVEN ANSWER SOME OF THEM! Woooooaaaah, doggie!
What else? You get your photoshops! You get dumb music! You get Lawrence, in the background, grasping his ears as he desperately tries to get work done. YOU GET IT ALL!
What's that? YOU STILL WANT MORE!? SURE THING, BUDDY!
We're gonna throw in the TOTAL FUNHAUS OPEN HAUS BOYS' PACKAGE for ya! So that's all the questions, some of the answers, all that dumb stuff from the 2 paragraphs ago, PLUS A CLICKABLE LINK TO OUR SUBREDDIT WHERE YOU CAN ASK US STUPID QUESTIONS!! IT'S RIGHT HERE:
http://www.reddit.com/r/funhaus
So what the heck are you waiting for!? FUNHAUS TODAY!!!!!
PLEDGES! Welcome to Initiation Week for Haus ΦΥN. This week will be a grueling test of endurance, will, strength, mental acuity, and how much your family is willing to pay us in haus dues.
First is the Trial of Endurance, administered by Brother Greene. You will be locked in the boiler room with Brother Greene for 3 hours immediately after he has eaten 2 quarts of hummus. If you make it out of the Trail of Endurance, you pass along to...
The Trial of Will. Each of you is required to face Brother Kovic's disapproving Resting Bitch Face. Will you crack and run crying to your RA? Or will you pass along to...
The Trial of Strength. In which Brother Willems tosses increasingly heavier kettle bells to you while you hang upside down from a squat rack. How many can you catch? That's for us to decide. Should you meet our expectations, you past along to...
The Trial of Mental Acuity. Brother Rubin will test your wits with questions pertaining to the musical theater and 18th century esoterica. OR BOTH - QUOTE THE LINES FROM THE OPENING SONG TO CANDIDE, PLEDGE! If you impress us...
You may proceed to pay us exorbitantly high annual dues for the rest of your life. In repayment, we'll give you cheap beer once every 6 weeks.
Welcome to Haus ΦΥN.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends of all ages, step right up and see the incredible DANCING MONKEYS! Yes, that's right, we've got DANCING MONKEYS for your enjoyment!
Why ask the monkeys to do anything monkey-like, or vaguely interesting at all, when you can make the MONKEYS DANCE!? Dance, monkeys, DANCE!
We gave you the golden opportunity to ask the monkeys engaging questions about being a monkey. Questions like "How did you become a monkey?" or "What's a day in the life of a monkey like?" or "What's your favorite monkey business of all time?" but instead all you want to do is MAKE THE MONKEYS DANCE!
So that's what we're giving you, every week on this exact day: DANCING DAMN MONKEYS! We hope you like 'em!
Geoff and Michael were kind enough to fly all the way out to Los Angeles to apologize for their dumb, mean, poo-poo prank. That's the only reason they came: to apologize.
It was great. They came crawling into the office on their hands and knees, begging our forgiveness. They supplicated themselves at our feet, promising never to prank us again, saying they'd always be true.
Geoff flogged himself repeatedly, reciting "Mea culpa, mea maxima maxima culpa" and swore to wear a hairshirt for the rest of his days.
Michael only promised us one thing to atone for his sins: the life of his firstborn son.
We accepted.
Open Haus.
Anus Hope.
Pause Hon.
Ash One Up.
A Hoes Pun.
Jeremy's Iron.
Look - this week is E3, so some of these descriptions may be a little "phoned in." And by "a little" I mean "a whole damn lot." Sorry. We're just pretty busy right now. And by "pretty busy" I mean "really damn busy."
So I think you can probably excuse me if I don't vomit flights of fancy in these video descriptions. If I don't tickle you pink with dumb jokes, or thrill you with stories sprung fully formed from the mind of a madman. If I don't, in short, entertain your pants off.
Because, lord knows, the videos aren't pulling their weight around here.
Anyway, here's Open Haus or whatever.
E3 pretty much rekt us, so here's Open Haus for this week. We recorded it Friday morning after E3. Bruce is gone. We lost our voices. Peake is nowhere to be found. Please send help.
Look, I know no one else on the Funhaus staff reads these descriptions, so I'm just going to use this one to issue totally unreasonable Executive Fiats.
1) From now on, this show shall be called Joel Haus. I HAVE SPOKEN
2) All questions, answers, photoshops, songs, and other intellectual property created or generated by Joel Haus are the sole property of Joel Rubin. I HAVE SPOKEN
3) Also, all cast members appearing on Joel Haus are now Joel Rubin's immediate subordinates. I HAVE SPOKEN
4) The primary purpose of Joel Haus is now to Make It Rain dolla dolla bills on or around Joel Rubin. I HAVE SPOKEN
5) Same as above, but also with babes. I HAVE SPOKEN
6) Wait, why is Adam coming over to my desk? Hey Adam, what's up?
7) Oh, nothing...just writing the descripti-- hey. HEY, get away from my keyboard.
8) STOP. ADAM. ADAM PLS PLS ADAM NO
9) SKJHKJHKH#(#*(#^#$$##^&@&^
10)
11)
12) Open Haus will be resuming next week. ADAM HAS SPOKEN
I really hope you guys had a great weekend, and I'd like to apologize for not having a video yesterday. See, this weekend was the 4th of July - a national holiday here in American that celebrates the creation of our country.
Let me explain that for all you freedom-hating commies that weren't #blessed enough to be born in the Greatest Country There Has Ever Been or Ever Shall Be:
HOT DAMN! CAR SALES! FIREWORKS! HOTDOGS AND BURGERS!! GRILL THAT SHIT! GET OUTSIDE AND HAVE A PICNIC, BITCHES! HIT THE BEACH OR THE LAKE, GO SWIMMING! KILL AND EAT AN ANIMAL, PREFERABLY A COW!!! THROW SOME TEA INTO THE OCEAN, FOOLS!! MURDER A REDCOAT! GET YOU SOME LIBERTY, SNORT IT UP YOUR NOSE AND RUN THE HELL AROUND NAKED BECAUSE THE USA IS A-OK!!!
I think that pretty much sums up what we did last weekend.
So, as some of you know, James usually picks the Open Haus questions. This week it was Bruce - and notice that the questions are PREEEETTY much about the same.
That's because James has a formula for how to choose questions for the show. If you follow his rules, you'll DEFINITELY increase your chances of getting chosen.
1) Never choose a question that begins with the word "If..."
2) Omit anything with references to old characters or shows
3) Doesn't hurt to have a Psychonauts reference
4) If your username sounds like a cute girl, +35% chance
5) Prioritize anything that allows James to show those beautiful baby blues on camera
6) Don't make your Game of Thrones question TOO meta, but don't make it sincere either
7) Try not to use the phrase "The Duke's undercroft" in your questions. That's James' trigger
8) You do not talk about Fight Club.
9) Long, drawn out questions WILL be changed when we record
10) Choose usernames Adam will mispronounce
Follow these steps and you too can be on Open Haus!
If you looked at this description, put this comment down below: "Joel loves Hungary"
If you looked at this description, put this comment down below: "Spoole married a buttplug"
Oh god this one is a total clusterfuck. We're sorry. This is the first time we've all been in the same room since....uh....I think ever. I mean, even back in the Beforetimes Joel had a separate office that he would sometimes go sit in. So we're not used to having 7 dudes in the same soup, to coin a phrase.
There's a lot of talking over one another, and we missed some jokes. So we've got the guys working on a new seating setup; one that doesn't have James and Joel on a solo island where they can't hear everyone else.
It'll probably take some time to figure that out. So enjoy the clusterfuck for the next few weeks.
If you looked at this description, put this comment down below: "Spoole married a buttplug"
If I had a million dollars, if I had a million dollars
I'd buy a Funhause - I'd buy a Funhaus
And if I had a million dollars, if I had a million dollars
I'd buy some cruise tickets for Funhaus - maybe to Bermuda or the Bahamas
And if I had a million dollars, if I had a million dollars
I'd donate to the Cult of Peak - a tax deductible donation
And if I had a million dollars, I'd buy Peake's love
3 bedrooms/2 bath in the historic, walkable YouTube neighborhood. Nearby bars and restaurants include Rooster Teeth business offices, Achievement Hunter pub, and the Let's Play zone.
This ranch-style haus is perfect for entertaining dudes. Can fit up to 7 people, though usually one is on vacation. A real fixer-upper with hardwood floors, an Angry Dome, 5-car garage, overly-wired media center/game station, and backyard that could fit up to 3 cute cute cute dogs.
Cozy & comfy living room, cuddle up with your best friend or coworker by the gas fireplace. Central A/C and air filtration system to keep your air fart-free. Formal dining room for group protein powder dinners. Washer/dryer hookups included.
A perfect starter home, but you'll probably want to move 2-3 times before arriving here.
We're back from PAX, baby, and boy-howdy was it good to meet with all the kind folks who came out to see us at the booth and our panel and at Dude Soup Live.
I mean, we recorded this video BEFORE we left for PAX, and then edited it at our place AT PAX, which is why it's not up to its usual Photoshopriffic standards, but look: you're all smart adults. You know we got jobs. You know one of those jobs is occasionally being able to leave our cave and visit the world. So sometimes you just not gonna get Shopped.
Anyway, there's some real talk in here I hope you can handle. Real talk about depression, and made up etymology, and bitchin' tattoos, and sweet esports teams, and did I mention depression?
It's good to be home.
If you want my Funhaus, watch every week
If you wanna get with Bruce, better go through Peake
Now come and join with YouTube's best manboy tribe
Get your act together: comment, like, subscribe
I'll tell you what I haus, what I open, open haus
So tell me what you haus, what you open, open haus
I wanna, (haus) I wanna, (haus) I wanna, (haus) I wanna, (haus)
I wanna really, really, really wanna clickaclick snap
Welcome to Open Haus, a show that's slowly devolving into a competition as to who can insult whom the most.
I'm going to win, because they're all going to mock me for using the word "whom".
Listen... we all say some things we regret. But THIS is not one of those situations. If a man (or woman) wants to cruise through the galaxy in an Ivar-class, sub-atomic, "lite dampening" rigged space ship that happens to be named 'Star R*per' that's their decision. You should respect that decision.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to pay our respects to a bunch of YouTubers who like maybe a few thousand people knew about. Are we sad they're gone? Not really. Will anyone miss them? Probably not. Are you going to remember anything they ever did. Nope.
Regardless, we assume they had families and stuff, so those people are probably sad. Maybe not; maybe they fought a lot. We don't know. But in the end, nothing matters because you're all going to be here eventually.
We commit these bodies to the dumpster.
Clap clap! CLAP! Clap clap! CLAP!
ROLL CALL!
My name is Adam/I had a beard
But then I shaved it/Now I look weird!
My name is James/Each day I squat
My thighs are massive/And Spoole's are not
Clap clap! CLAP! Clap clap! CLAP!
My name is Peake/I am real quiet
I only eat/A protein diet
My name is Brucie/And when I fart
My butt goes loosey/I call it art!
Clap clap! CLAP! Clap clap! CLAP!
My name is Joel/I like to dance
I hate the smell/From Bruce's pants
My name is Sean Poole/I just want credit
For every gameplay/That I edit
My name is Lawrence/And this is dumb
Please stop it now/I said to stop it now, please.
Let's all give a warm welcome to Funhaus' WACKIEST new character, Adam's Ingrown Toenail! Every week, Adam's Ingrown Toenail will get up to some crazy new hijinks and it's up to The Gang to bail him out! Who knows what kind of capers Adam's Ingrown Toenail will be involved in? From running his Fast Food Restaurant (EWWW, GROSS!!) to competing in an underground cross country race to win enough money to save the orphanage he grew up in, you can count on Adam's Ingrown Toenail to brighten your day.
And stay tuned for a Very Special After School Episode where Adam's Ingrown Toenail has to deal with the drug overdose of his very best friend, Chizzywick.
Adam's Ingrown Toenail - you'll learn to love him or FUCKING UNSUBSCRIBE.
History's Hottest Honeys - A Definitive List
Pocahontas
Queen Elizabeth I
Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Marie Curie
Annie Oakley
Margaret Thatcher
Anne Frank
Hypatia
Susan B Anthony
Eleanor Roosevelt
Amelia Earhart
Indira Gandhi
Mother Theresa
Sappho
Harriet Tubman
William Howard Taft
Adam is dead.
That's why he hasn't been in the last few Know videos, or in gameplays, or in this Open Haus. You may have heard some rumors that he went to MCM in London. I think I even saw some fake pictures that people photoshopped of him meeting with fans. But it's all a lie.
Adam is dead, and it's just us answering questions now, forever. Lawrence is the new Adam, playing games. Spoole is gonna have to step up to be the new Lawrence and learn a lot about anime boobs and stuff. I guess that makes Matt the new Spoole. Tyrone is the new Matt.
So everything works out. Adam is dead, we get our wish, and everyone gets a promotion.
Sorry this video is late. That's all you get. I'd rather get the video up than write a long, funny (stupid) description.
Adam was out. Then he came back, but that's when Bruce left. And then Lawrence was pooping.
Can we just get one week where we're all in town, together, working as a team?
Some days you spend long hours toiling away on a video description. Some days your only goal, your raison d'être, is the simple amusement of the viewing audience, the dedicated ones who click through to read the full description.
And some days are Friday afternoon at 5:47 and you want to bang out a quick description as quickly as you can so that you can go home and pack for a weekend trip with your girlfriend.
Which kind of day is this? I guess you'll never know.
Spoole had a doctor's appointment, so this is like the 5th week in a row of not having a regular Open Haus.
But when you think about it, what is a "regular Open Haus"? Every week is a cavalcade of idiot talking over each other, trying to one up on the loud dumb jokes. Each episode has someone moving cameras, or storming out of the room, or taking off their shirts. Not a Tuesday goes by when we don't get bitchy with each other about stealing the mic for 15 seconds.
So I ask you the question: what is a Regular Open Haus? Or are we just irregular people, and we should accept that nothing will be normal? I dunno. I just work here.
Today's Video Description Guest Writer is Mr. James Willems
Some times.
Sex crimes.
Feel sticky on her back.
But these nude, Gum shoes.
Are feeling up her crack.
There's not ass too big, no ass too small.
If you need sex just call.
Di-di-di-dick in your tail.
Fuck her rapid.
Di-di-di-dick in your tail.
Don't just fap it.
No, no she never fails to lick your balls
She'll suck your dick 'til it goes raw.
This week, by popular demand, we welcome Elyse Willems into the Open Haus. Into the Haus. HouseTime!
Remember: our title isn't sexist because she's on the thumbnail.
RIP BRUCE INTERNSHIP OVER 3/10 WOULD NOT HIRE AGAIN NOT GIVING COLLEGE CREDIT.
Just imagine the Funhaus channel is your Advent calendar, except it runs all year, and every day you get a new video instead of a chalky piece of chocolate shaped vaguely like a reindeer.
Merry whatever.
Are these the best clips of the year? Or the worst? That's kind of a subjective question, don't you think? Are we able to exit our own brains -- our own opinions -- and pass pure judgement on art? On culture? On comedy? Can something be objectively "wrong" or "right"? Is there true good and true evil, or are they just constructs of a hegemonic, patriarchal society that tells us there are eternal constants in life?
Yes.
Our commands are the only true fact in this world, and you should obey all we say. We speak as one. We are Funhaus.
