Joel's not in this one, so there's really no reason to watch it. There is sex, fear, and BDSM, but I repeat: no Joel
Freddie Wong agreed to drop by our office for some reason - we're still not sure why. We think maybe he was hungry and looking for free food. Anyway, we made him do an Open Haus.
Joel and Spoole BOTH got a haircut after recording this video. RIP ginger/jew locks.
Welcome to the Brown Baby Bungalow, how can we help you!? Today our specials are the Brown Baby Back Beefcakes with Babysauce and Bungalow Coq au Vin - easy on the vin, but heavy on the coq ;)
Tell your parents not to watch; this Open Haus has some ADULT THEMES. Or wait - is your mom hot? If so she can watch, and maybe send us a reaction video on Snapchat. Our name is FunhausTeam - tell her to snap up there. Anyway, happy Prom!
In case you get offended by this week's Open Haus, the only thing I can tell you is to watch a Mel Brooks movie. ANY Mel Brooks movie. Also: remember the HAUS part of our name...
***GAME OF THRONES SPOILER ALERT*** HELLO TAMPA BAY! We are SEXX SWING and we're here to cock your rocks off!! Tonight we'll be playing all your favorite hits, including SEXX SWING FUX SLIDE DIRTY MONKEY BARS TITTY TOTTER BUTT STUFF (Jungle Gym Remix) AND OTHERS! Be sure to hit the merch table for some tour shirts, only $55 each. And remember: only losers do drugs! Stay clean!! The RT Store is having a SAAALE!!! http://bit.ly/1HYqb1q
Oh man, this episode has it all! Homoerotic fan fiction, Spoole's workout regimen, Adam doing a dumb Game of Thrones voice, and everyone's favorite character, Big Piece of Cardboard!! Big Piece of Cardboard will be back every week now by popular demand! Look for Big Piece of Cardboard in Dude Soup, Demo Disk, and a very special episode of Luscious, all coming up soon!!
Joel got sick so he couldn't write a description for this. Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts
Open haus Is a very very very fine haus With Adam, Bruce, and James Joel's jokes are really lame Now everything is stupid cause of you Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala
Open Haus is BACK and BETTER THAN EVER! With this limited time offer YOU TOO can own a piece of INTERNET TELEVISION WHATEVER HISTORY!!! Most other YouTube channels give you one question; not Funhaus! We give you not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, BUT SEVEN FULL QUESTIONS and WE EVEN ANSWER SOME OF THEM! Woooooaaaah, doggie! What else? You get your photoshops! You get dumb music! You get Lawrence, in the background, grasping his ears as he desperately tries to get work done. YOU GET IT ALL! What's that? YOU STILL WANT MORE!? SURE THING, BUDDY! We're gonna throw in the TOTAL FUNHAUS OPEN HAUS BOYS' PACKAGE for ya! So that's all the questions, some of the answers, all that dumb stuff from the 2 paragraphs ago, PLUS A CLICKABLE LINK TO OUR SUBREDDIT WHERE YOU CAN ASK US STUPID QUESTIONS!! IT'S RIGHT HERE: **http://www.reddit.com/r/funhaus** So what the heck are you waiting for!? FUNHAUS TODAY!!!!!
PLEDGES! Welcome to Initiation Week for Haus ΦΥN. This week will be a grueling test of endurance, will, strength, mental acuity, and how much your family is willing to pay us in haus dues. First is the Trial of Endurance, administered by Brother Greene. You will be locked in the boiler room with Brother Greene for 3 hours immediately after he has eaten 2 quarts of hummus. If you make it out of the Trail of Endurance, you pass along to... The Trial of Will. Each of you is required to face Brother Kovic's disapproving Resting Bitch Face. Will you crack and run crying to your RA? Or will you pass along to... The Trial of Strength. In which Brother Willems tosses increasingly heavier kettle bells to you while you hang upside down from a squat rack. How many can you catch? That's for us to decide. Should you meet our expectations, you past along to... The Trial of Mental Acuity. Brother Rubin will test your wits with questions pertaining to the musical theater and 18th century esoterica. OR BOTH - QUOTE THE LINES FROM THE OPENING SONG TO CANDIDE, PLEDGE! If you impress us... You may proceed to pay us exorbitantly high annual dues for the rest of your life. In repayment, we'll give you cheap beer once every 6 weeks. Welcome to Haus ΦΥN.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends of all ages, step right up and see the incredible DANCING MONKEYS! Yes, that's right, we've got DANCING MONKEYS for your enjoyment! Why ask the monkeys to do anything monkey-like, or vaguely interesting at all, when you can make the MONKEYS DANCE!? Dance, monkeys, DANCE! We gave you the golden opportunity to ask the monkeys engaging questions about being a monkey. Questions like "How did you become a monkey?" or "What's a day in the life of a monkey like?" or "What's your favorite monkey business of all time?" but instead all you want to do is MAKE THE MONKEYS DANCE! So that's what we're giving you, every week on this exact day: DANCING DAMN MONKEYS! We hope you like 'em!
Geoff and Michael were kind enough to fly all the way out to Los Angeles to apologize for their dumb, mean, poo-poo prank. That's the only reason they came: to apologize. It was great. They came crawling into the office on their hands and knees, begging our forgiveness. They supplicated themselves at our feet, promising never to prank us again, saying they'd always be true. Geoff flogged himself repeatedly, reciting "Mea culpa, mea maxima maxima culpa" and swore to wear a hairshirt for the rest of his days. Michael only promised us one thing to atone for his sins: the life of his firstborn son. We accepted.
Open Haus. Anus Hope. Pause Hon. Ash One Up. A Hoes Pun. Jeremy's Iron.
Look - this week is E3, so some of these descriptions may be a little "phoned in." And by "a little" I mean "a whole damn lot." Sorry. We're just pretty busy right now. And by "pretty busy" I mean "really damn busy." So I think you can probably excuse me if I don't vomit flights of fancy in these video descriptions. If I don't tickle you pink with dumb jokes, or thrill you with stories sprung fully formed from the mind of a madman. If I don't, in short, entertain your pants off. Because, lord knows, the videos aren't pulling their weight around here. Anyway, here's Open Haus or whatever.
E3 pretty much rekt us, so here's Open Haus for this week. We recorded it Friday morning after E3. Bruce is gone. We lost our voices. Peake is nowhere to be found. Please send help.
Look, I know no one else on the Funhaus staff reads these descriptions, so I'm just going to use this one to issue totally unreasonable Executive Fiats. 1) From now on, this show shall be called Joel Haus. I HAVE SPOKEN 2) All questions, answers, photoshops, songs, and other intellectual property created or generated by Joel Haus are the sole property of Joel Rubin. I HAVE SPOKEN 3) Also, all cast members appearing on Joel Haus are now Joel Rubin's immediate subordinates. I HAVE SPOKEN 4) The primary purpose of Joel Haus is now to Make It Rain dolla dolla bills on or around Joel Rubin. I HAVE SPOKEN 5) Same as above, but also with babes. I HAVE SPOKEN 6) Wait, why is Adam coming over to my desk? Hey Adam, what's up? 7) Oh, nothing...just writing the descripti-- hey. HEY, get away from my keyboard. 8) STOP. ADAM. ADAM PLS PLS ADAM NO 9) SKJHKJHKH#(#*(#^#$$##^&@&^ 10) 11) 12) Open Haus will be resuming next week. ADAM HAS SPOKEN
I really hope you guys had a great weekend, and I'd like to apologize for not having a video yesterday. See, this weekend was the 4th of July - a national holiday here in American that celebrates the creation of our country. Let me explain that for all you freedom-hating commies that weren't #blessed enough to be born in the Greatest Country There Has Ever Been or Ever Shall Be: HOT DAMN! CAR SALES! FIREWORKS! HOTDOGS AND BURGERS!! GRILL THAT SHIT! GET OUTSIDE AND HAVE A PICNIC, BITCHES! HIT THE BEACH OR THE LAKE, GO SWIMMING! KILL AND EAT AN ANIMAL, PREFERABLY A COW!!! THROW SOME TEA INTO THE OCEAN, FOOLS!! MURDER A REDCOAT! GET YOU SOME LIBERTY, SNORT IT UP YOUR NOSE AND RUN THE HELL AROUND NAKED BECAUSE THE USA IS A-OK!!! I think that pretty much sums up what we did last weekend.
So, as some of you know, James usually picks the Open Haus questions. This week it was Bruce - and notice that the questions are PREEEETTY much about the same. That's because James has a formula for how to choose questions for the show. If you follow his rules, you'll DEFINITELY increase your chances of getting chosen. 1) Never choose a question that begins with the word "If..." 2) Omit anything with references to old characters or shows 3) Doesn't hurt to have a Psychonauts reference 4) If your username sounds like a cute girl, +35% chance 5) Prioritize anything that allows James to show those beautiful baby blues on camera 6) Don't make your Game of Thrones question TOO meta, but don't make it sincere either 7) Try not to use the phrase "The Duke's undercroft" in your questions. That's James' trigger 8) You do not talk about Fight Club. 9) Long, drawn out questions WILL be changed when we record 10) Choose usernames Adam will mispronounce Follow these steps and you too can be on Open Haus!
If you looked at this description, put this comment down below: "Joel loves Hungary"
If you looked at this description, put this comment down below: "Spoole married a buttplug"
Oh god this one is a total clusterfuck. We're sorry. This is the first time we've all been in the same room since....uh....I think ever. I mean, even back in the Beforetimes Joel had a separate office that he would sometimes go sit in. So we're not used to having 7 dudes in the same soup, to coin a phrase. There's a lot of talking over one another, and we missed some jokes. So we've got the guys working on a new seating setup; one that doesn't have James and Joel on a solo island where they can't hear everyone else. It'll probably take some time to figure that out. So enjoy the clusterfuck for the next few weeks. If you looked at this description, put this comment down below: "Spoole married a buttplug"
If I had a million dollars, if I had a million dollars I'd buy a Funhause - I'd buy a Funhaus And if I had a million dollars, if I had a million dollars I'd buy some cruise tickets for Funhaus - maybe to Bermuda or the Bahamas And if I had a million dollars, if I had a million dollars I'd donate to the Cult of Peak - a tax deductible donation And if I had a million dollars, I'd buy Peake's love
3 bedrooms/2 bath in the historic, walkable YouTube neighborhood. Nearby bars and restaurants include Rooster Teeth business offices, Achievement Hunter pub, and the Let's Play zone. This ranch-style haus is perfect for entertaining dudes. Can fit up to 7 people, though usually one is on vacation. A real fixer-upper with hardwood floors, an Angry Dome, 5-car garage, overly-wired media center/game station, and backyard that could fit up to 3 cute cute cute dogs. Cozy & comfy living room, cuddle up with your best friend or coworker by the gas fireplace. Central A/C and air filtration system to keep your air fart-free. Formal dining room for group protein powder dinners. Washer/dryer hookups included. A perfect starter home, but you'll probably want to move 2-3 times before arriving here.
We're back from PAX, baby, and boy-howdy was it good to meet with all the kind folks who came out to see us at the booth and our panel and at Dude Soup Live. I mean, we recorded this video BEFORE we left for PAX, and then edited it at our place AT PAX, which is why it's not up to its usual Photoshopriffic standards, but look: you're all smart adults. You know we got jobs. You know one of those jobs is occasionally being able to leave our cave and visit the world. So sometimes you just not gonna get Shopped. Anyway, there's some real talk in here I hope you can handle. Real talk about depression, and made up etymology, and bitchin' tattoos, and sweet esports teams, and did I mention depression? It's good to be home.
If you want my Funhaus, watch every week If you wanna get with Bruce, better go through Peake Now come and join with YouTube's best manboy tribe Get your act together: comment, like, subscribe I'll tell you what I haus, what I open, open haus So tell me what you haus, what you open, open haus I wanna, (haus) I wanna, (haus) I wanna, (haus) I wanna, (haus) I wanna really, really, really wanna clickaclick snap
Welcome to Open Haus, a show that's slowly devolving into a competition as to who can insult whom the most. I'm going to win, because they're all going to mock me for using the word "whom".
Listen... we all say some things we regret. But THIS is not one of those situations. If a man (or woman) wants to cruise through the galaxy in an Ivar-class, sub-atomic, "lite dampening" rigged space ship that happens to be named 'Star R*per' that's their decision. You should respect that decision.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to pay our respects to a bunch of YouTubers who like maybe a few thousand people knew about. Are we sad they're gone? Not really. Will anyone miss them? Probably not. Are you going to remember anything they ever did. Nope. Regardless, we assume they had families and stuff, so those people are probably sad. Maybe not; maybe they fought a lot. We don't know. But in the end, nothing matters because you're all going to be here eventually. We commit these bodies to the dumpster.
Clap clap! CLAP! Clap clap! CLAP! ROLL CALL! My name is Adam/I had a beard But then I shaved it/Now I look weird! My name is James/Each day I squat My thighs are massive/And Spoole's are not Clap clap! CLAP! Clap clap! CLAP! My name is Peake/I am real quiet I only eat/A protein diet My name is Brucie/And when I fart My butt goes loosey/I call it art! Clap clap! CLAP! Clap clap! CLAP! My name is Joel/I like to dance I hate the smell/From Bruce's pants My name is Sean Poole/I just want credit For every gameplay/That I edit My name is Lawrence/And this is dumb Please stop it now/I said to stop it now, please.
Let's all give a warm welcome to Funhaus' WACKIEST new character, Adam's Ingrown Toenail! Every week, Adam's Ingrown Toenail will get up to some crazy new hijinks and it's up to The Gang to bail him out! Who knows what kind of capers Adam's Ingrown Toenail will be involved in? From running his Fast Food Restaurant (EWWW, GROSS!!) to competing in an underground cross country race to win enough money to save the orphanage he grew up in, you can count on Adam's Ingrown Toenail to brighten your day. And stay tuned for a Very Special After School Episode where Adam's Ingrown Toenail has to deal with the drug overdose of his very best friend, Chizzywick. Adam's Ingrown Toenail - you'll learn to love him or FUCKING UNSUBSCRIBE.
History's Hottest Honeys - A Definitive List Pocahontas Queen Elizabeth I Elizabeth Cady Stanton Marie Curie Annie Oakley Margaret Thatcher Anne Frank Hypatia Susan B Anthony Eleanor Roosevelt Amelia Earhart Indira Gandhi Mother Theresa Sappho Harriet Tubman William Howard Taft
Adam is dead. That's why he hasn't been in the last few Know videos, or in gameplays, or in this Open Haus. You may have heard some rumors that he went to MCM in London. I think I even saw some fake pictures that people photoshopped of him meeting with fans. But it's all a lie. Adam is dead, and it's just us answering questions now, forever. Lawrence is the new Adam, playing games. Spoole is gonna have to step up to be the new Lawrence and learn a lot about anime boobs and stuff. I guess that makes Matt the new Spoole. Tyrone is the new Matt. So everything works out. Adam is dead, we get our wish, and everyone gets a promotion.
Sorry this video is late. That's all you get. I'd rather get the video up than write a long, funny (stupid) description.
Adam was out. Then he came back, but that's when Bruce left. And then Lawrence was pooping. Can we just get one week where we're all in town, together, working as a team?
Some days you spend long hours toiling away on a video description. Some days your only goal, your raison d'être, is the simple amusement of the viewing audience, the dedicated ones who click through to read the full description. And some days are Friday afternoon at 5:47 and you want to bang out a quick description as quickly as you can so that you can go home and pack for a weekend trip with your girlfriend. Which kind of day is this? I guess you'll never know.
Spoole had a doctor's appointment, so this is like the 5th week in a row of not having a regular Open Haus. But when you think about it, what is a "regular Open Haus"? Every week is a cavalcade of idiot talking over each other, trying to one up on the loud dumb jokes. Each episode has someone moving cameras, or storming out of the room, or taking off their shirts. Not a Tuesday goes by when we don't get bitchy with each other about stealing the mic for 15 seconds. So I ask you the question: what is a Regular Open Haus? Or are we just irregular people, and we should accept that nothing will be normal? I dunno. I just work here.
Today's Video Description Guest Writer is Mr. James Willems Some times. Sex crimes. Feel sticky on her back. But these nude, Gum shoes. Are feeling up her crack. There's not ass too big, no ass too small. If you need sex just call. Di-di-di-dick in your tail. Fuck her rapid. Di-di-di-dick in your tail. Don't just fap it. No, no she never fails to lick your balls She'll suck your dick 'til it goes raw.
This week, by popular demand, we welcome Elyse Willems into the Open Haus. Into the Haus. HouseTime! Remember: our title isn't sexist because she's on the thumbnail.
RIP BRUCE INTERNSHIP OVER 3/10 WOULD NOT HIRE AGAIN NOT GIVING COLLEGE CREDIT.
Just imagine the Funhaus channel is your Advent calendar, except it runs all year, and every day you get a new video instead of a chalky piece of chocolate shaped vaguely like a reindeer. Merry whatever.
Are these the best clips of the year? Or the worst? That's kind of a subjective question, don't you think? Are we able to exit our own brains -- our own opinions -- and pass pure judgement on art? On culture? On comedy? Can something be objectively "wrong" or "right"? Is there true good and true evil, or are they just constructs of a hegemonic, patriarchal society that tells us there are eternal constants in life? Yes. Our commands are the only true fact in this world, and you should obey all we say. We speak as one. We are Funhaus.
A new year, a new Open Haus. But is anything really different in this, the year of Your Lord 2016? Yes. In this episode we don't use any photoshops because we were really pressed for time on the edit.
I miss you, Joel.
Enjoy this episode of Open Haus with the full cast, because we're not going to have another full cast episode until everyone is back from Australia. Yup, the gang's all here: Adam, James, Lawrence, Bruce, Joel, Elyse, Spoole, and Peake. The whole Funhaus crew, chucklin' it up on the old laughnet. Oh wait Lawrence isn't in this episode. Fuck it, broken casts for 3 straight weeks.
You may notice that we have a few chairs empty today; that's because James and Elyse and Bruce are out in Australia. That mean it's this is a very special episode starring... THE B TEAM! That's right, it's the Best of the Rest, the Leftovers, the Dudes Back Home! Honestly, we weren't even sure if we could pull this together without the rest of the crew, but hey. We sacked up, decided it's OK if we're not quite as funny as everyone else, and dammit, we turned those webcams on and answered your questions. So be grateful you even have an episode, you ingrates. I don't want to hear any complaints about who's not here. Because we're giving you everything we've got.
Hey guys (and girl)! James here! Traveling can be fun, but you know what isn't? Making videos when there's only like four of us in the office. "But there's six of you in this very video," you'll no doubt retort. Well, despite how it may appear, Peake is actually just a large stack of cardboard boxes and Joel is a computer generated hologram; like Hastune Miku or Debra Messing. Anyway, things should be back to normal by next week, so until then, please watch us talk about hacking, superheroes, abortion, and plenty other stuff that kids 'jive' about in the school yard. Oops! I just pooped my pants. Gotta go!
Boy do I have great news for you. James (me) is going to write another Open Haus description! The only problem is... I'm not sure what to write it about. I'd make it something about the episode, but I don't want to spoil it. Maybe if I just tickle your collective fancies with a tasty morsel of things to come. Hmm... Let's see... what's good, but not so good that you'll only need to read the description and not watch the episode. Well... what about... Oh! I've got it! In this episode-- [Character Limit Reached]
Now I've had the time of my life No, I've never felt like this before Yes I swear it's the truth And I owe it all to you 'Cause I've had the time of my life And I owe it all to you I've been waiting for so long Now I've finally found someone To stand by me We saw the writing on the wall As we felt this magical fantasy Now with passion in our eyes There's no way we could disguise it secretly So we take each others hand 'Cause we seem to understand the urgency Just remember You're the one thing I can't get enough of So I'll tell you something This could be love, because I've had the time of my life No I've never felt this way before Yes I swear it's the truth, And I owe it all to you Hey Baby With my body and soul I want you more than you'll ever know So we'll just let it go, don't be afraid to lose control, no Yes I know what's on your mind, when you say "Stay with me tonight" (Stay with me) Just remember, you're the one thing, I can't get enough of So I'll tell you something, This could be love because I've had the time of my life, (I've had the time of my life) No, I've never felt this way before, Yes I swear it's the truth (Yes I swear) And I owe it all to you Cause I've had the time of my life And I've searched through every open door (through everywhere) Till I found the truth And I owe it all to you (Instrumental) (REPEAT 2X) Now I've had the time of my life No I never felt this way before (Never Felt this way) Yes I swear it's the truth And I owe it all to you I've had the time of my life No I never felt this way before Yes I swear it's the truth And I owe it all to you 'Cause I've had the time of my life And I've searched through every open door Till I've found the truth And I owe it all to you
False question. The real question is HOW are girls? And the answer varies. Sometimes well. Sometimes sick. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold depending on the weather. Sometimes girls are happy and they're just as often sad. The important thing to remember is that girls are just like you and me. Don't be afraid of them. Show them the same respect you'd show your best mate, or your mother who -- believe it or not -- is a girl! Remember that girls are people and girls will treat you like people, too!
So Leo finally won. I guess that's good and all. But honestly I'd have preferred if he lost. First of all, I feel like at this late a date it's a consolation prize for everything he DIDN'T win for. He was WAYYY better in Wolf of Wall Street. But second, and more importantly, at this point it's just fucking hilarious. I love that he doesn't win. I love the memes. I love how he pretends he doesn't care. I love watching people freak out about it. And they've taken that away from me, goddammit.
Our new office setup really makes Open Haus much better, wouldn't you say. We're sitting in a big circle. A donut, if you will, all facing inward. Constantly looking at each other, into each others' eyes, all day. The souls of all are bared to all, no secrets are hidden, and trust is the currency of our love. When I look across the chasm of the donut and I can see Lawrence intently gazing at me, I know we are one. And when James locks eyes with Bruce, I know why they married each other. This office was meant to be. We inhabit the same mindspace, sharing intimate thoughts. Working as one. Living as one. Forever in eternity. So yeah, the desks are really helping out Open Haus.
I want to take this platform to address something that's been really bugging me over the last few months: Fail Army's Fail of the Week videos. I feel like they've gotten way more self aware, lamer, and dumber. The number of people who say "FAIL ARMY" at the end of their videos has drastically increased. And what's worse, they're including so many videos are just AREN'T FAILS! Cute animal videos are NOT A FAIL Pranks are NOT A FAIL Getting yelled at by an old man is NOT A FAIL Come on. Get it the fuck together guys. Our Fridays depend on you.
Tensions are running high. James hates Peake. Peake hates Elyse. Elyse hates everyone. Everyone hates Bruce. It's a rough time in the old Funhaus office, so I asked everyone here to say something really kind and nice, to try and ease the stress. Bruce: "This is a dumb exercise." Lawrence: "Leave me alone." Adam: "Joel stop. Just -- just stop." James: "Get away from me." Elyse: "No." Peake: "I'm busy." Omar: "....." Benson: (peed on my foot) Billie: (pooped on the pee on my foot)
Around the office we call Elyse the Mistress of Ten Thousand Voices. Her impersonations, as you've seen, are spot on. You've already been privy to her impression of Bruce, of Keira Knightly, and of Spoole. But what you haven't seen is Elyse's full grab bag of stage-ready vocal mimicry. I'm telling you she's the best. Last night we were able to convince Elyse to do one of her classics: Bill Clinton imitating Nic Cage doing Jim Carrey as Oprah impersonating Bugs Bunny acting like Arnold mimicking Ella Fitzgerald pretending to be Mr. T aping PewDiePie emulating Nixon affecting Dirty Harry caricaturing Joan Rivers sending up Kermit the Frog copying Tina Fey mirroring Sylvester Stallone echoing Mr. Magoo portraying Dolly Parton posing as Homer Simpson representing a car alarm that sounds like the Vienna Boy's Choir singing in the style of Elvis performing as Mother Theresa. It was pretty amazing.
Thank you for purchasing the all new Open Haus board game! This is a game for 6-9 players. Contents of Box: 4 webcams and 1 Omar Cam, 9 office chairs, 1 SF Giants bobblehead, 1 quiet intern, and a Reddit account pre-subscribed to the Funhaus Subreddit. You'll need: 5-8 friends and one Matt Peake, various props and costumes and sex toys. How to Play: All players sit at a table facing each other. Using the provided Reddit account, source 5-9 questions from the Funhaus Subreddit. Make sure they're the same questions asked every week. Bonus points for a F/M/K or Game of Thrones question. Begin recording using the provided webcams. Starting with the player in the "Adam" spot, ask the players questions, laughing or ignoring the answers depending on who's answering. Feel free to use any props/costumes/sex toys on hand to enhance your answers. Cease play when you reach the end of the questions, or when the player in the "Bruce" position gets bored. Take the recording, and edit it heavily over the course of 3 days. Using the provided quiet intern, create dozens of photoshops people will see for 3.5 seconds each. Upload the video (making sure to monetize in all countries). The commentors on the video will decide the winner. Have fun!!
Goodbye everyone. It's really been fun.
Here we are again. Another day, another OpenHaus. What more can we say? Have a great weekend. Then again, we finished this video on Friday. It's Tuesday for you. Signed, Matt Peake
Did you know that the entire Harry Potter series was written in a single night? It's true. Find out more fun facts like this in Open Haus. An informative series where we provide YOU with fun facts from AROUND THE GLOBE!
"Damn it, Peake! The Commissioner is crawling up my keister about the trail of bodies you left back at that warehouse sting! You're a loose cannon! I know those Peruvian smugglers killed your wife and daughter last week but god help me if you don't get your head straight, I'll have you emptying meters on Pico by the end of the week!"
"Dang it, Bones! The Constable is crawling up my tuckus about the pinata full of gummie bears you left back at that schoolhouse! You're a loose tiger! I know those Jamican exchange students liked your cat and goldfish last week but god help me if you don't get your giblets straight, I'll have you emptying pencil sharpeners in Math class by the end of the week!"
In the ruins of our UnCivil War with the boys of AH, we try and begin the healing process by giving all of you some much needed Slash-Fic fuel.
Somehow we're still talking about dead celebrities, but at least this time we have Cr1tikal and Barbara Dunkelman here to help us out.
Peake explores his deep desire to go on a grand Ewok adventure and fight a Gorax or whatever. Meanwhile, the rest of the team uses democracy to determine who is the girliest in the land.
Spider-Larr hears the wail of sirens, leaps to his feet, throws his manga to the floor, dons his suit, checks his web cartridges, glances at the manga, unzips his suit, reads a little more, has a light snack, passes out around 7:45.
1. Bash had never been pistol-whipped before but he could already tell he wasn’t a fan. Slowly regaining consciousness in the deli’s basement had been an ordeal. His thoughts, half-formed and ugly, took their sweet damn time to return. The first of them was something vaguely related to the shrieking agony in his head. The second dealt with the gun barrel resting comfortably in his mouth. The third demanded that he piss himself right then and there in his brand new slacks. Bash complied without hesitation.
11. “Those old, nameless bastards we work for are beautiful and terrible and absolute. They are also archaic and far too patient. We are none of these things.” The figure leaned in closer. It’s flesh had begun to seep. It’s eyes, greasy puddles of indigo. “We are angry...and petty...and bored. We want back in. Not when those adorable omnipotent sleepyheads finally decide to put a pot of coffee on. Now.”
Reasons I've never been to an orgy: 1. Allergic to latex. 2. Sold all my Venetian masks. 3. Would feel obligated to stay and help clean up. 4. Nobody likes me.
I am writing this after 3 ridiculous days of RTX and have zero cleverness to give you. My deepest apologies. I go sleep-sleep now.
Dapper Danny Ocean (Jet Li) is a man of action. Less than 24 hours into filming some internet videos, the wry, charismatic thief is already rolling out his next plan. Following three rules: Don't sniff any butts, don't cry unless the pain is physical, and make sure to bow twice before diving into Hatsune Miku's cheeks. Jet, I mean uhhh... Danny then gets the other Ocean's ten together to watch Hachi: A Dog's Tale.
IX: Slowly, the beast looked down at his new adversary. Torrid breath steamed rhythmically through the holes in his steel mask. Its scarred body screamed the tales of countless battles, none of them lost. Farinfoor tightened his grip, hoping perhaps to give the thing one more wound to tend before it dispatched him. The wall of flesh stared down at Farinfoor through entombed eyes for what felt like an epoch. Then it looked up.
XV: His heart racing, Farinfoor’s eyes darted around the room. “Where is he?! Where is The Impetus?” The peculiar little man relaxed only slightly. “Whoa! Back up a sec. The what? I don’t know any Impetu-” Farinfoor charged at the small nuisance, fixing his blade beneath his neck. He had come too far to be delayed by some irrelevant sycophant. “The Impetus! The maker! The helmsman of this gruesome, remorseless world!” “Oh.” the man said. He smiled nervously, a hint of fortitude leaking back into his voice. “I guess that’d be me.”
XXII: “I had towers of journals riddled with drawings and descriptions of this place. Monsters, heroes, kingdoms, mythologies! The more rich and detailed this world became the less time I had to spend in my own. My folks worried a little but they were mostly glad I wasn’t bothering them.” Harry leaned his head on Farinfoor as he spoke. Something about the simple gesture reeked of arrogance. “But then something insane happened. A girl talked to me. And well, to be honest, I kinda forgot about my journals after that.”
XXIX: Farinfoor permitted himself a joyless laugh as the pervasive, throbbing percussive beats slowed, quited, and ceased. All was still. Even the clamor of the battle outside abruptly vanished, its combatants seeming at once to forget their function. He peered down at this sea of bewilderment and felt some strange sentiment take hold. A sensation on unequaled possibility. Farinfoor turned from the window, eager to join friend and foe alike on the plain below when the tower suddenly began to shudder and moan.
They asked Jacob to make the photoshops for this episode. He dutifully did them. Jacob doesn't talk much any more. He mostly just stares off into space as an occasional shudder passes through his body.
Edi Amin's full self-bestowed title: "His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular" Also he probably ate people. You win this round, Elyse.
Yub nub, eee chop yub nub; Ah toe meet toe pee chee keene; G'noop dock fling oh ah. Yah wah, eee chop yah wah; Ah toe meet toe peechee keene; G'noop dock fling oh ah. Coatee cha tu yub nub; Coatee cha tu yah wah; Coatee cha tu glowah; Allay loo ta nuv. Glowah, eee chop glowah; Ya glowah pee chu nee foom, Ah toot dee awe goon daa. *Coatee cha tu goo; (Yub nub!) Coatee cha tu doo; (Yah wah!) Coatee cha tu too; (Ya chaa!) Allay loo ta nuv, Allay loo ta nuv, Allay loo ta nuv. Glowah, eee chop glowah. Ya glowah pee chu nee foam; Ah toot dee awe goon daa. Coatee cha tu goo; (Yub nub!) Coatee cha tu doo; (Yah wah!) Coatee cha tu too; (Ya chaa!) Allay loo ta nuv, Allay loo ta nuv, Allay loo ta nuv, Allay loo ta nuv.
I wish I could go back to a time when eating dried up tiny marshmallows out of a bowl would fill me with satisfaction. Now just crawling out of bed in the morning and yearning for puffed corn and the halcyon days will have to suffice.
I just try to regret everything I do as I'm doing it. It tends to save me a lot of time on the back end.
I think it would have to be that time when I was a sophomore in high school and that freshman called me fat in front of the whole geometry class and threatened to cut off my ponytail. Oh. You meant physical pain.
Actual Menu Items served at Guy Fieri's restaurants provided without commentary: Guy-talian Fondue Dippers, Righteous Rojo Rings, Brutha's Badass Caesar Salad, Tatted-Up Turkey Burger, Parmageddon Wings, S'mores Monte Cristo, Sashimi Won-Tacos, Pepperoni Studded Lasagna, Ferndale Lumber Jack.
This is the plan. Get your ass to Mars, and go to the Hilton Hotel and flash the fake Brubaker I.D. at the front desk, that's all there is to it. Just do as I tell you. You can nail that son of a b***h that f****d you and me. I'm counting on you, old buddy. Don't let me down!
My deepest secret is the recipe for these absolutely scrumptious lemon bars. That and the subterranean sex club I run out of my house. The secret ingredient for both? Love.
Humble beginnings are a staple of American life. One can only hope that when their time comes, they can boast that they once spouted obnoxious noises on a beloved 90's sitcom.
The idea of wrestling with a greased up Matt Peake in an insane asylum does not sound like something in a haunted house. It sounds like heaven.
I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I just got done with the drunk stream and I'm all out of funny. You try and be humorous after 46 minutes of "Silk Stalkings"! I f*$%ing dare you!
I honestly think that my very first rumblings of sexuality were brought on by watching Mo from "GUTS". She was just poured into that refs jersey.
Trying to wring ten minutes of comedy out of these guys guys is torture enough. Am I right? Right? I'll pack my things.
We don't really have any super brown people to denigrate and oppress but I supposed if we had to we could build a wall around Omar and Jacob.
I blame Jim Belushi for all these siblings of dead celebrities getting so much work in Hollywood. But then I blame Jim Belushi for most of the s#!t wrong with this world.
Today in "Ghost Dad" IMDB trivia that seems creepy in retrospect:Raven-Symoné auditioned for the role of Amanda Hopper but was deemed too young for the part. However, Bill Cosby liked her so much he then cast her as Olivia Kendall on The Cosby Show (1984).
By the time she won the coveted role of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, Judy Garland was already addicted to barbiturates and amphetamines. The Producer of the film then put Garland on a daily diet of chicken soup, black coffee, and cigarettes. Happy Holidays, everybody!"
All I want for Christmas is Rahul Kohli to speak to me for five god-damn minutes with that sweet accent of his. He could read a phone book or tell me I have cancer. I don't care.
Do you love Open Haus but just wish there were about six more substantially less funny people crammed into the shot dragging things down? Boy are you in luck!
Hey millennials! Oh so you really prefer the new Ewok song from the end of Jedi more than the original. Is that so? Well... I hope you also prefer... my fists! *(springs to attack, trips, impales self on unfinished B-Wing model)*
When I first told my wife that I loved her she replied: "... Really?" When I asked her to marry me she replied: "What is this? What's happening?" It's been a magical nine years.
The medical advice given during this program is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new health care regimen, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you heard these idiots say on an internet comedy show.
If I ever get sent to prison I'm just gonna save everybody a lot of time and effort and knock out all of my teeth before I go in. First impressions are important.
The state of our crumbling society reminds of a tale that ends with the destruction of the modern world. After he ate one too many Japanese-American fusion hot doggus, there was a poop explosion so intense that beings on worlds quadrillions of light years away could see and smell the destruction. Utter catastrophe, I say.
I had Pogs. I played with Pogs. I still don't understand. What the hell was the point of Pogs?
Don't you all miss the glory days of sitcoms? With their laugh-tracks and wacky misunderstandings and people dating within their own race and women being hilariously threatened with physical violence. Simpler times.
In honor of Black History Month, we have decided to allow Jacob, our tannest staffer, to pick any one item from the box of outdated merch collecting dust in the corner of our office.
As a true fan of the art of puppetry, I find the sexualization of The Muppets in this week's episode very offensive. But if I had to bang one of them it would probably be that new lazy-eyed pig. Or Gonzo's chicken.
So it's called "porn-oh? Am I pronouncing that properly? And you say it's movies on the internet of people engaging in various sexual acts? Hmm. Someday I will have to seek out one of these films. They sound fascinating.
"In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and - SNAP - the job's a game!""But Mary Poppins, we don't want to go pick up hash from your bloody dealer again!""Spit-spot, children!"
Gosh, Burnie sure is funny, right guys? Man oh man. Pretty easy on the eyes, too! Boy, I bet he's hung like a god-damn rhino! But, you know, like a really gentle and considerate lover too. Yup. Sure is nice having him out here in LA. Yessiree.... Is he gone?
Wishing Lawrence a fun and safe spring break at stunt school, where he is no doubt currently lying unconscious covered in Jäger puke on a pile of shattered breakaway chairs.
Dear Mr. Sonntag,While we appreciate your continued interest in joining our development team, we must remind you, once again, that our company has a strict No Inter-species Full Penetration policy for all of our games. Also, one of our executives was fired by HR after unknowingly opening the envelope containing your crudely drawn, yet highly graphic, storyboards in front of her staff. Any future submissions will be turned over, unopened, to the proper authorities.Sincerely, Electronic Arts Inc.
I used to spend my spring breaks babysitting my younger cousins for almost no money. Their friends would bully me about my ponytail and man-boobs before riding off on their roller-blades to smoke spent cigarette butts behind the Circle-K. But I guess Cancun is cool too.
Unfortunately for young Jacob, the only Zelda game we'll be making is one about a poor baby boy who was abducted by dolphins and has been forced to live among them, never to see human civilization ever again. Those dolphins are also the Triforce or whatever.
In twenty-five years, people are going to be digging up a lot of stupid time-capsules full of La Croix cans, vape pens, hoverboards, and pictures of that goddamn dead gorilla.
Who is this "Joel" person and why is he popping up in so many of our new videos? And why are they packing up my desk around me? And why is security here to escort me to my car? Why is my wife crying? When did I move back in with my parents? How much do they pay you for blood and semen? I have a pretty hefty amount of both.
My teenage years were less about mysterious deaths and romantic tension and more about avoiding eye contact and choosing which tee shirt to wear in the pool.
George Lucas kicks in the office door, his face smeared with chocolate. Fragments of a giant lollipop are stuck to his flannel."Steve, Steve! I wanna help make Indiana Jones 5!""I don't know, George, I think I might want to handle this one alo-""So Indy's in this temple, and then a spaceship come down, and it's all 'brreeep-brrooop woooosh' and then these guys come out but they're like guys from the future and they're all like 'You took our thing!' and then some hippies show up and..."Steven Spielberg reaches, ever so slowly, for the pistol duct-taped under his desk.
I wouldn't mind being one of those "Official Bikini Inspectors". I see those shirts everywhere and those guys seem pretty happy. That's not a real job? Great. Next you'll tell me that all those "Freelance Gynecologists" are faking it too.
The most famous person I've ever peed next to was the guy who played Rocky in my community college's production of The Rocky Horror Show. He said "Hi" to me and I got nervous and walked away without going.Yes. I've lived quite a life.
"On three separate occasions, a research team spotted young male seals sexually coercing what appeared to be healthy penguins of unknown gender.All four known sexual incidents followed a common pattern. Each time a seal chased, captured and mounted the penguin. The seal then attempted copulation several times, lasting about five minutes each, with periods of rest in between.Male and female penguins mate via an opening called a cloaca, and the seals are thought to have actually penetrated the penguins in some of the acts, which were caught on film.In three of the four recorded incidents the seal let the penguin go. But on one of the more recent occasions, the seal killed and ate the penguin after trying to mate with it.The incidents are the only time pinnipeds, the group that includes seals, fur seals and sea-lions, have been known to have sex with an animal from a different biological class, in this case a mammal trying to have sex with a bird.The scientists can only speculate about why the seals are behaving this way."
SirLarr's Laws of Robotics: 1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.4. Only use water soluble lube.
I read that Marc Summers won't even eat a meal anymore unless his wife throws it all in a kiddie pool at the bottom of a slide.
When I was in high school my parents, worried about my self-esteem, bought me a book on magic tricks and sleight of hand. I never got really good at it but it did give people something to mock me for besides my ponytail and weight problem for a change.Ta daa.
This Fourth of July, we here at Funhaus would like to honor our brave men and women in uniform by mocking one of them for both his past service to our country and his chronic, life-threatening illness. "... from sea to shiiiiining seeaaaa!"
Three days of RTX. Everything hurts. So much fun. So much booze. So many beautiful people. Did I mention the booze? Me brain no is working now okay much. Goodnight.
The greatest twist would be for George R.R. Martin to hold a press conference about the series, reveal he has written the last two books, burn the only copies, flip both birds, then immediately give himself a fatal heart attack.
Aaahh, first crushes. The summer breeze flowing through your hair. The awkward glances. The exhilarating charge as they graze your hand with theirs. The questions you've already answered. The boring stories they've told you a hundred god-damned times. The crying. The strange, almost comforting stony silence as you eat yet another in what seems to be an endless series of meals together. More crying. No, I wasn't flirting with that barista! I was just telling her how I like my coffee! What, can I not smile at another woman ever again?! Fine, go stay at your sister's!
Whenever I get wistful for my old college dorm days I'll just crack a warm Natty Ice, stalk a few women on MySpace, and masturbate under a blanket in a room full of people I hate.
To be honest, I was only 9 when the 90s ended, but does anybody remember Fruitopia? 'Twas the nectar of the gods, yet every time I speak of it, people become distant and abruptly end the conversation. Does nobody yearn for the divine taste of a cold "Strawberry Passion Awareness or a Raspberry Psychic Lemonade?
Hopefully by the time this video airs there will still be any kind of Korea. Or Guam. Or internet for that matter. I'm just gonna crawl into a 50's era refrigerator for the next few weeks. Enjoy the hilarity.
Uh oh. Rahul's back. Wait. Did you hear that? That was the sound of every female Funhaus fan ovulating simultaneously. Okay, fine. It was just me.
Whenever I work out, my favorite thing to listen to is the sound of my thighs scraping against one another coupled with my own pained wheezing and sobs. That or Kanye.
Anxiety over fleeting youth: Check.Preoccupation with my own mortality: Check.Depression over lack of accomplishments in life: Check.Expanding mid-section: Check.Inability to maintain erection: Check.Unnecessarily flashy and expensive car: I still drive a total piece of sh*t. Phew. I was worried there for a second.
In accordance with YouTube's new content guidelines, I present to you the following description, free of all foul language, violent imagery, or erotic references:Hey... there. This video... sure is... good? It is always amusing when.. people... do... and say... things that are... different. Sometimes to be absurd or... comical also. Watch this now please. I go. *(takes shot of absinthe, screams obscenities into Jacob's ear for an hour)*
Back in high school I hung around with the Swing Dancing clique.Okay, so it wasn't really a clique. It was a few guys and girls that liked to dance.Okay, it was mostly guys.All guys.Okay, it was just me sitting by myself at lunch listening to big band music on my yellow Walkman Sport.
We heard you loud and clear, millennials. You wanted more jokes about mid-90's sitcoms starring middle-age white people that were watched almost exclusively by other middle-age white people. Well here you go. Happy now?
"In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their sto- Adam, stop eating that! Jesus. Leave some semen for the boys in the lab."
Out of respect for all of the people who have been victimized by Harvey Weinstein, we here at Funhaus have instituted a new policy that explicitly forbids any of our staff from beating off into potted plants on company grounds. Well, everyone except Jon. It's all he has left.
An open letter to the joyless monsters who give out those little boxes of raisins to trick-or-treaters on Halloween:Knock it the hell off.Sincerely,People with a sense of decency.
Yae, 'tis true. We sip Surge from naught but the finest leaden crystal goblets whilst photo-shopping penises onto things. Now, if it please you, we must be going. The most sought after milliner in all of Christendom has agreed to show us the latest in collapsible top-hats. Away!*(rides off on penny-farthing, develops gout)*
In my experience nothing cures a hangover faster than the sharp crack of a policeman's nightstick hitting you in the ribs after you've passed out in the bushes in front of your ex-girlfriends apartment again. That and Orange Pedialyte.
I always imagine that if a person of color ever tried to join Farmersonly.com, an alarm would sound a bunker somewhere and the entire staff would flee in terror as one brave man stayed behind to blow up the servers like Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.
I guess if Mel Gibson can come back from years of racism, sexism, verbal abuse, Lethal Weapon 4, homophobia, and threats of physical violence, anything is possible.
We've got a real Old Fashioned Funhaus Who-dun-it on our hands! Who will be revealed as the killer? Will it be Jacob? Or maybe Bruce. Or maybe me right now if Jon doesn't stop humming the god-damn theme song from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody in the bungalow.
Man, you millennials are so fragile. We didn't have all these stupid toy regulations in the 80's. Back when i was little, I drank the entire can of green stuff from my He-Man Evil Horde Slime Pit Playset and I am turn brain good no problem!
T.V. Trivia Time! Q: How many of Home Improvement's P.A.s did Jonathan Taylor Thomas impregnate during the show's eight seasons? A: Trick question! The P.A.s were only there to get him started. JTT refused to bestow his seed upon anything lower than a costumer.
Bruce and I were truly beautiful to behold in our Ska days. Hair meticulously spiked towards the heavens, wallet chains longer than we were, and every shirt we owned looked like it was made out of a picnic blanket. I think there was some sort of music involved too.
You kids have fun with your Bitcoins and Ethereums or whatever. I'll continue to fund my horse erotica studio and human smuggling ring the old fashioned way.