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Private Notes
Godzilla was originally about a Japanese guy in a rubber monster suit wrecking cities and fighting big moths. Record-Scratch But it's the 90's! And the 90's require a dope new attitude, and This ain't your daddy's Godzilla, and Parents 'll never understand it, and We just do, and Special effects and rap covers of Led Zeppelin songs are fine, but what kids really want is a cohesive plot and likable characters...NOT! High Five Put on your clashing, unbuttoned (or incorrectly buttoned) over-shirt, swivel that cap around and pull a tuft of your greasy blond hair through the hole, strap on your RatchTech Shoes and get ready to raise the roof because this fly flick is totally money!
Whenever a mad scientist creates an army of gigantic metal geese led by a woman in an absurd leather shower cap, the World of Tomorrow® can always count on Sky Captain to save the day...of TOMORROW~! Jude Law makes several of the dumbest faces ever and Gweneth Paltrow is at her smirkiest in this shamelessly asinine CGI-fest.
The year is allegedly 1888. The Vatican's army of Buddhists, Muslims, and toddling friars with hat hair work tirelessly to arm the great monster hunter Wolverine with the most ridiculous and inane weapons known to man, so that he might fail to hit large targets with the utmost speed and accuracy, picking up baronesses in tight corsets along the way. You'll gasp as Dracula chews more scenery than you could fit in Wyoming. You'll scream as the Frankenstein Monster relays life lessons about tolerance and acceptance. You'll yawn and scratch you unmentionables as Kate Beckinsale expands her acting repertoire to include vampire hunters (she wouldn't want to be pigeonholed). And you'll snack as the movie becomes tedious and you wander into the kitchen for a sandwich.
But never fear! QuipTracks makes this otherwise painful sack of crap into a sack of something awesome...like bacon or something.
M. Night Shyamalan drives the final nail in the coffin of his reputation for surprise endings by telling a tale with all the twists and turns of a pretzel... not the twisty kind, but the straight kind that doesn't have any twists.
The trees and plants of the Northeast US, no doubt still angry over Al Gore's defeat in 2000, have begun intermittently emitting a gas that causes humans to want to kill themselves. (Hey, can you blame them? I mean, even humans have been known to do that from time to time, right?) Anyway, it's up to She (of She and Him) and Marky Mark (minus Hector the booty inspector) to protect a child-sized dress mannequin and get it to the place where the event is not happening.
Can these two adults, who are not only in touch with their inner children but have them writing all their dialog, stay a step ahead of flatulent shrubbery and skydiving construction workers all the while pulling their relationship through the toughest crisis it has ever faced? Or, more importantly, can you make it through the movie without trying to drown yourself in your soda or gouge out your eyes with Twizzlers?
Fear not. QuipTracks is here to help you through this difficult, uh, phenomenon? Occurrence? Seems like there is some other word I'm looking for here. Oh well.
Chinese action director John Woo (no doubt cheered on by his own last name) takes on the world of Mission: Impossible with all the great performances of Broken Arrow and all the plausibility of Face/Off (not to mention face removal and off-putting faces...but I digress).
The Chimera virus is the most deadly and least contagious virus created by man and it must be stopped by the most acrobatic and least intelligent agent known to man: Ethan Hunt. To succeed he must overcome tedious symbolism, slow-motion photography, flocks of pigeons, and the constant failures and arbitrary limitations of his grudgingly-written-in team of IMF experts.
There's also some crap about a smirking china doll and a fist fight at a motocross event. Good thing QuipTracks is here, or this one would sting like pulling a latex mask off your face in one fluid yank*.
Bonus! Learn the secret of how to search for a hero. (Are you paying attention, Bonnie Tyler?)
*Historical side note: Curiously, during the American Civil War a fluid Yank was a Confederate unit of measure reserved exclusively for measuring donkey urine. Let it never be said that QuipTracks is not educational.
You would think that a movie about sending nuclear bombs to the core of the earth in a giant cigar would be little more than two hours of people looking at readouts and calling out numbers. Well you're right, but facts have never held Hollywood back yet, and they didn't start with this turkey!
Sure, there's enough calling out of numbers to put a lotto junky into a coma, but there are also dive-bombing pigeons and sentient lightning intent on detonating world icons! Plus, it turns out that the inside of the earth is not dark at all. It actually looks like bulimic angels binged all night on orange Crush, tinsel, and glow sticks then purged! In fact, it's surprising that more people are not blinded when they try to dig a hole. Throw in the illegitimate son of Lady Elaine Fairchilde as a computer hacker and what's not to love?
That's right, everything.
Never fear, even when Hollywood takes a bevy of great talent and literally throws them in a hole, we are there to turn it into a fun evening. So go ahead, pop in that copy of The Core that you accidentally bought thinking that it was The Score, start up this QuipTrack and laugh your way to the center of the earth and back.
Hulk angry. Hulk confused. Hulk want see movie of Hulk, but why so many small pictures? Pictures fly at Hulk like birds. Which one movie? Where is Hulk?
Why we watch puny boring humans? What wrong with Jennifer Connely? She in coma?
Hulk tired of rocks and moss. Why Ang Lee show Hulk dead wood? Hulk breath smell like dead wood and moss? Ang give Hulk hint?
Where!? Is!? Hulk!?
Movie say Hulk, Hulk not see Hulk!
Oh, there Hulk. Why Hulk in dark? Only show Hulk in dark? Why dogs not red inside? Hulk like red filling, not green smoke!
Good. Now Hulk in light. Hulk know now why Hulk in dark. Put dark back on Hulk.
Hulk ears not that small. Hulk face not beady-eyed ferret. Hulk not rubber balloon!
Hulk angry! Hulk smash!
Why movie not smash? Movie not real? But pain real! Pain real!
Quiptrack? Hulk play Quiptrak with movie and make movie better?
Puny human right. Hulk laugh now. Hulk not smash.
"'A Thousand Narfs' is about a rare narf who comes once in a generation of a narfs—called a Madam Narf." Young-Soon sums the story up pretty nicely right there: This movie is about saying the word "narf" (yeah, that expletive Pinky used to use) at every possible opportunity.
But wait! There's more! You'll also hear the word "scrunt," which, although it sounds like a small rodent with a gimp leg, is actually a wolf-like beast with grass all over it whose special power is that "it can lie...completely flat!" Stop laughing; this is serious.
There's also a mud called "key" and three monkeys with one name and an abusive pool maintenance man and an evil nerd and one of the Fine Young Cannibals.
M. Night Shyamalan also casts himself as a writer who's work will change the world and kills off a movie critic in effigy. That guy! What a clown.
