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Private Notes
“The World of Tomorrow will be filled with wondrous things,” a dapper 50’s man tells us from the dimly lit corner he presumably calls his home. As a denizen of the World of Tomorrow, which is now known commonly as the World of Today, I think I can honestly type onto this virtual page accessible from anywhere via an interactive electronic device that fits into your pocket that this statement is pure garbage. Contrary to the gripping predictions and scenarios acted out by the Tales of Tomorrow writing staff’s extended family, we don’t have cool things like furious space cocoons or invisible, blood-sucking monsters. The problems we actually face, like phones that bend, are far more mundane and much costlier to produce, plus sexism and racism are on their way OUT, not thriving like the greatest minds of the 50’s so optimistically assumed. No, the World of Today simply pales in comparison to the World of Tomorrow of the World of Yesterday, but at least it beats the World of Tomorrow of Sky Captain.
Make your World of This Evening a whole lot funnier by buying the riff that marks the end of QuipTracks' unofficial, year-long hiatus; grabbing a friend; and finding out just how furious a protective case of silk or similar fibrous material spun by the larvae of moths and other insects can be!
Kate and Leopold's massive dump on the concept of time travel was a pretty good start, but The Lake House perfected the art. With an omniscient terrier as cosmic referee, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, separated by two years, engage in a by-mail contest to see who can use their time-traveling mailbox least creatively and do the least good with their incredible discovery in this paradox-riddled puke stain on the fabric of time and space. Soon, the downright naughtiness of using such a scandalously obsolete mode of communication sets both of their hearts afire, and they decide that, continuum be damned, they're gonna find a way to be together! Amidst all the USPS-paced romance and action, will the two of them unlock the secret of the lake house and its incredible time-travelling mailbox?
At long last, the riffing project spearheaded by Ice On Mars to riff Star Trek: Voyager reaches season 2. Disc 1 of the season is a crossover between Ice on Mars and QuipTracks, with each episode featuring Michael T. Bradley and a different QuipTracks member.
The 37s is a story about a different sort of crossover: Uninspired science fiction meets American history! When the crew of Voyager finds an antique truck floating in space, it leads them to visit the Delta Quadrant's most advanced Earth museum. Janeway is especially impressed with their vintage Amelia Earhart (NON-CLONE ORIGINAL ORGANIC COMPONENTS RARE MINT). Naturally, she can't resist waking her up, but hijinks ensue when the curators find out.
With Pakra seemingly becoming more and more commercial each year, it can be
hard to see through all the glitz and glamour to the core of it all. This
Pakra season, take an hour to remind yourself and the whole family what the
holiday is really all about with the immortal Pakra classic, Initiations.
While Pakra carolling in his shuttle, Commander Chakotay tries to make a new
friend in a young Kazon named Kar. After several lasers to the face,
however, Chakotay can see that this child would rather spend his time
killing his enemies than summon ancient spirits. The Kazon are strong and
powerful, but they don't know much about Pakra, now do they? Can Chakotay
teach him the true meaning of Pakra before Delta Quadrant runs out of Pakra
spirit and Pakra is cancelled FOREVER?
Anywhere – provided it's one of five budgeted locales – is possible. That's the staggering reality for chronic douche canoe David "Rice Bowl" Rice (the second worst Anikan) and all "jumpers" like him. For millennia, they've lived among us, teleporting from point A to B, acting like C's and D's. Using this power, David robs banks and ruins lives all across the globe. However, only so much filming can go on before Samuel L Jackson shoves his way into the story, and soon David find himself staring down the tooting end of an electric-steel-cable-shooting clarinet!
As it turns out, "paladins" have been hunting jumpers since medieval times. They have more success now with their clarinets than they did with their spears (which they presumably just waved around in hopes of a jumper appearing around the sharp end), but fortunately for David, they mistakenly think the movie is rated PG, and won't use guns.
Can he, a guy who can literally teleport anywhere in the world, escape a guy in a rental car? Will David's love interest Millie interest anybody? And most importantly, can David convince the audience that Sam Jackson is the villain, even though it's clearly David?
The answers to these questions will be cheaply, artlessly, and incompetently answered in Doug Limon's career's suicide note, Jumper!
When you’re a hologram in a hologram in a hologram having a holo-dream, it can be hard to tell what’s really virtually real. In this episode of Voyager, the ship’s holographic medical program boots up only to discover that things have happened, only to discover they haven’t. A Kazon is on a rampage, but he’s not. A guy shows up, but he doesn’t. Tough decisions have to be made, but they don’t.
Nothing is at stake and it didn’t even happen, but at least it didn’t even happen to sort of an interesting character.
At 10:02 AM on August 27th, 1883, Krakatoa exploded. The result was the loudest sound ever recorded by human beings. It is said to have circled the Earth four times.
The second loudest sound occurred in the evening of September 18th, 1995, when Voyager posed the question, “should Kes and Neelix have a baby together?” and 5.7 million households simultaneously bellowed “NO!” at their televisions.
Now you can relive history! Bellow along at home with QuipTracks and Ice on Mars as they take on "Elogium." Plus, learn all about Astro-Sperm and why they like humping space ships so darn much!
Travel back to a time when wenches were simple, ones were dark, and kings greeted you with a smile.
When Granger (Dolph Lundgren, OMG yes!) hurt his shoulder in Non-Specific Conflict II, he swore he was done with conflicts for good, no matter how specific. But when his house is swarmed by flailing ninjas, he’s forced through a mystical portal and finds himself lumbering for his life in medieval Canada! Soon he’s mumbling anachronisms to Smiley King (the king what things are in the name of), who seems like a good enough guy, but something’s not right. How does the king keep his teeth so white? Why are all the women slathered in makeup? Granger will need all three synapses firing to get to the bottom of these mysteries and more in Uwe Boll’s direct-to-the-two-dollar-bin epic, In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds!
Rob Lowe lets his acting muscles atrophy as the guy that was "not really in the Christmas mood" who helps a young boy buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother. Why wasn't he in that mood, though? And how sad, exactly, is a dying mother? The answers to these questions were glaringly omitted from the song, and the movie addresses the issue by devoting an hour and a half to establishing this crucial context. CBS's The Christmas Shoes delivers more schmaltz, empties more tissue boxes, and kills more characters than the song's format ever allowed. And if it's the case that the more sadness something elicits, the more meaningful and heartwarming it is, The Christmas Shoes is more meaningful and heartwarming than a stillborn bunny rabbit.
Can't get enough Smiley King? Neither could we! We had so much great material left over from our first run that we riffed In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds a SECOND TIME. It's In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds 2: Two Riffs! Written to be watched as a follow-up to the first riff, this QuipTrack contains entirely new jokes for the whole running time of the movie. Join us as we get a little more creative and experimental in our second run through the magical land of medieval Canada!
There are two kinds of movies. There are entertainers and there are challengers. Considering the way it completely breaks apart 73 seconds in and goes on to be regarded as one the most shameful and preventable disasters ever recorded, Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark is decidedly a Challenger.
Indeed, the film challenges both its audience and the culture surrounding it. Particularly bold are its alien monsters, which Uwe has unapologetically dubbed "Xenos", daring you to compare them to the more well-known and highly regarded Xerox subsidiary, Zeno Office Solutions. Bolder still is the casting of vapid space case Tara Reid as an ostensibly competent archaeologist, sending the uplifting message that dumb girls can be smart too.
But perhaps the most challenging aspect of the film is the way Uwe expands and evolves the frankly played-out "unreliable narrator" convention to also include an unreliable prop department, unreliable captioning, and a bevy of unreliable lighting rigs. What is the plot? Uwe won't tell you, and by doing so, he cheekily holds up a mirror to you, the sole viewer in the empty theater, to reveal that it is YOU who is alone and in the dark.
In The Perfect Weapon, Steven Seagal is The Director – not to be confused with the director of The Perfect Weapon, Titus Parr, who thought we would not be confused when a character under The Director’s control called The Controller directs the perfect weapon to kill The Director. (Watch out: There’s a spoiler in that sentence, so don’t work too hard trying to parse it).
This aforementioned perfect weapon is a stoic, bald, tie-wearing, dual-silenced-pistol-wielding hitman – just like Agent 47 from the Hitman video game franchise, but even easier to control (he really puts the "pawn" in "weapon"). Oh, and don’t go looking for a barcode on Axon “Condor” Rey’s neck; Unlike Agent 47, this agent can’t be price checked... Nor is he particularly good at hitting men.
Indeed, everyone seems readily capable of making Condor look like an imbecile, from his dead girlfriend (Sasha Jackson), to a villainous gourd from Veggie Tales that grew a big, flabby body (Steven Seagal). Even within the movie, exactly which “perfect weapon” criteria could be abstractly attributed to him is a matter of some debate... but everyone agrees that, after multiple scrubbings of his already sparsely populated mind, he is The Perfect Putz.
