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Private Notes
RHLSTP is back (it feels like it never went away) and another kickstarted series begins ALL FOR FREE. Richard is worried that David Cameron has just made all his emergency questions irrelevant and amazed by the way the world has changed in the brief hiatus between series.
And it’s a PODCLASH as his first guest is the host of the brilliant comedian’s comedian as well as Richard’s backdoor neighbour, Stuart Goldsmith. With (pretty much) all new emergency questions to try out there’s a lot to talk about including how to breathe fire, what Rumpel the Kangaroo King is really like, the BBC’s plans to transport all children to the future and …
Also there’s speculation on egg-gate and shit-by-the-gate-gate, as well as the opportunity to purchase a property with a direct view of Stuart Goldsmith’s penis.
Richard discusses some zombie based movie ideas he has had, before introducing the dry-witted and incredulous Diane Morgan who isn’t quite sure what she’s let herself in for.
And it’s a surreal, dream-like and occasionally mildly awkward chat about working with Ken Campbell, Richard’s failure to see one of Diane’s first performances, Bruce Willis on the One Show, Richard’s ever spiralling shoplifting problem, the slight let down of earliest memories (and what is the latest earliest memory that anyone has ever had?) and the importance of making it clear that you’re not dating Joe Wilkinson. Find out who Diane would kill if she had one bullet and no repercussions and what she thinks might be in a medieval pie.
Richard makes more predictions of atrocities that will have occurred in the news on the week of release for this podcast and is impressed by the skills of another astrologer he has encountered.
His guest is a man who knows how to clean a horse’s anus, it’s Lee Mack. Find out the truth behind his claims about cutting mustard, how to pick apricots, whose lawnmowers are in the Southport lawnmower museum and hear more musing over what is more morally acceptable, necrophilia or bestiality. Also can you run a marathon if one leg is shorter than the other, why aren’t there more women on Would I Lie To You? and what it’s like to work with the baby from the Railway Children.
A tired and possibly ill Richard Herring tries to get through another podcast without vomiting on his guest, the disaster-magnet that is Janey Godley.
She talks candidly about marrying the son of a Glasgow gangster, her many family tragedies and how she survived them plus how Jerry Sadowitz was almost killed at one of his first gigs, what she’d like to do with Roland Gift, witnessing horrific accidents and heart-warming scenes from daily life. Plus the Bay City Rollers, Vesta curries, working with your daughter, performing in a prison and that wonderful moment when you forget that you’ve stabbed someone.
Some truly incredible stories from this brilliantly funny, mildly terrifying, but ultimately rather lovely woman.
Richard is somewhat affronted to have been compared to Marmite by the box office at the Leicester Square Theatre, but never mind as his guest (who doesn’t carry money and needs his wife to send sandwiches to him in a taxi) is Robert Popper from Friday Night Dinner, Look Around You and the conduit for the brilliant Robin Cooper.
Find out what it was like being the assistant to the director on the Glam Metal Detectives, how Leigh Francis attempted to infiltrate ITV, how Popper convinced the Japanese that Gordon Brown had thrown a tangerine into a laminating machine, why elephants get less cancer than humans and whether the guest or host would use nuclear weapons if they were Prime Minister. Also a new puppet based emergency question and a special introductory call by Robin Cooper.
Richard chats to a man in the audience who is unexpectedly in IT before introducing “over-night” success and internet sensation Luisa Omielan.
Find out how pulling her trousers down in front of some Americans was the key to her success, more than you will want to know about frenulum breve, how to have a break out Edinburgh Fringe hit show, why Big Bird is a prick and why Richard is too self-conscious to ever enjoy sex. Plus past lives, body image, casual racism, puppet/robot sex and remembering a snack that Rich thought he’d forgotten but hadn’t forgotten. It’s literally got everything.
Richard is stupidly hungover after a rare night out at a top showbiz party and wonders what you buy the man who has had everyone. His guest is the affable and probably sexually vanilla John Finnemore.
They discuss the stupidity of working hard for the radio, the three-legged dog that gives John all of his ideas, when Richard was embarrassed by thinking a zombie apocalypse had begun, working with Benedict Cumberbatch and things that make you feel sick. Is Finnemore cursed to live the life of the other John Finnemore and the small print of the holiday with the Spitting Image puppet is thoroughly explored.
Richard is amazed how a joke on Twitter now pretty much always gets taken at face value by someone, even if it’s in an open letter to an 8 month old baby. His guest is Nicole Kidman impersonator and fantastically thoughtful yet and puerile stand-up Sarah Kendall, fresh from her nomination for the big comedy award at the Fringe.
They discuss the horrors of child birth, the redundancy of the hand job, growing up in New Newcastle, how audiences can sometimes laugh in the wrong way, the plot holes in Back to the Future, loads of stuff about cocks and vaginas (obviously) the inevitability of nuclear destruction, plus some surprisingly serious bits about the nature of being a stand up.
To be honest most of the time we forgot that we weren’t sitting in the lounge in our Edinburgh flat having the kind of conversations with one another that are totally unacceptable in the actual world. She’s the best. Go and see her perform live. You’re welcome.
Richard is unnecessarily unpleasant to someone in the audience (what’s new?) before quickly bringing on a man with a drive that burgeons on insanity, but it’s the good kind of insanity, Eddie Izzard.
It’s an unsurprisingly sprawling but incredible conversation that takes us through why God doesn’t reveal himself, through the clumsy religious allegories of CS Lewis, through what kind of madness would make a man run 43 Marathons in 51 days, how to pronounce Calippo, how Eddie would have fared in the army, his political ambitions and philosophy, performing in languages that you were recently unable to speak, the short-sighted nature of the Ocean’s Eleven franchise, the years of struggling to make it (with some great stories about his street theatre days) and why the world needs to come together and give everyone hope.
It’s electrifying and inspirational and Richard hardly says anything (because he’s not an idiot who is going to waste this opportunity). It’s just a proper treat so stop reading this and ingest it NOW!
Richard has written his first joke of 2015 and can’t wait to share it with the underwhelmed audience, but luckily he is riding high from his incredible level of public recognition on Pointless Celebrities.
His guest is the immaculately dressed and multi-talented Phill Jupitus, who isn’t so good with names. They chat about giving U2’s new song a minute of air play, whether stand up is harder than acting, how the most difficult person to please is always your mum and why the BBC is doomed.
Get the behind the scenes info on Buzzcock’s guests Jedward and Jamelia and witness an old emergency question morph into something new and even more disturbing. Lots of funny stories and a great Mark Steel impression.
Richard successfully guesses the job of a bearded man in the audience before introducing the luckiest man on planet earth, who knows what it is like to have sex with a robot, Jack Whitehall. Seething with unconcealed jealousy at Whitehall’s career and more pertinently his partner, Richard contrives several different ways to kill his guest and his own wife and child. Don’t worry it’s just a joke. It’s almost certainly a joke. Find out the real reason Kate Middleton married Prince William, how Whitehall screwed up a gold-plated publicity opportunity, what it’s like working with Shearsmith and Pemberton and rugby’s homoerotic origins. A man exhausted from childcare interviews a man exhausted from jet lag and robot sex and the result is predictably indiscreet and hilarious. Richard also forgets Jack’s name right at the end, but no one will notice that.
Richard is reeling over the news that pregnant women are giving public blow-jobs in the Westfield (surely this can only drive Shepherd’s Bush property prices upwards) but still has time to introduce his guest, the twice sacked Deal or No Deal warm up man, John Robins.
They discuss what it was like sharing a flat with Jon Richardson and Russell Howard, why Richard thinks of Mark Lamarr every time he boils a kettle, daring to challenge the comedy Sauron that is Stewart Lee, the dangers of drinking at gigs and what it’s like being in a relationship with a comedian.
Richard talks briefly to a semi-retired postman and considers bumping his guest to chat with him more, but instead introduces perhaps the perfect RHLSTP guest David Mitchell.
It’s David’s second time in the hot seat (though the chairs have got nicer since he was last here) and Richard is determined not to be as childish and rude to him as he was last time. But will he be able to keep a lid on the simmering mayonnaise vat of bitterness? Find out if David swears during sex, if he would allow himself to be raped by a ghost, why he’s so obsessed with war that he’s apparently wearing a poppy in January and if he enjoyed working the cloakroom for TFI Friday.
There are also some more serious chats about the mindset of someone who paps a couple going for a walk with their baby and why there is so much antipathy towards Ben Elton. But it’s possibly the funniest episode yet, with Mitchell, once again, giving possibly the definitive answers to some of the emergency questions. What a treat.
Richard has noticed a new development in police technology and is annoyed that there is no shop for British sweets on Leicester Square. His guest went to school with “Pencils” Osborne, it’s Hal Cruttenden.
The pair discuss whether equality encompasses the middle-classes, gigs turning into armed sieges, being too star-struck to act with Anthony Hopkins, killing their wives for the insurance, having sex with ghosts (of course) and forming a Human Centipede with Eddie Izzard. Hal reveals for the first time a rare condition that he suffers from, though possibly just to give himself an alibi and Rich reminisces about working in Ealing.
Richard chats with the audience in his usual unpleasant manner, before introducing stuttering rapper and apron salesman, Scroobius Pip.
They discuss the mysterious town of Stanford-le-Hope, how close Pip came to going into middle-management at HMV, how to trick people into thinking you’re a successful musician in just one year and how drive and determination can help you do the job you love.
Find out how Pip accidentally gave out his phone number on Twitter and what animal he would readily have sex with.
Richard is worried about the psychological impact of Winnie the Pooh’s skull being on display in a museum, but overcomes his fears long enough to introduce ex-philosophy student Aisling Bea.
Find out what it’s like making love to Enya, whether a degree still counts if you cheated all the way through your studies, how trying to impress someone by riding a horse can leave you in the shit and some baffling Irish references that must have been doubly confusing for the man who had come from India to see the show.
Richard proposes his new sinister and upsetting edit of the 1970s film “Adventures of a Taxi Driver” before introducing another guest who has been sacked as warm-up man from Deal or No Deal, it’s Ray Peacock.
Find out why the new Muppets are offensive and wrong, if a house in Pontefract is really haunted and why being childish is a good thing. A baffling interjection from a couple of people in the audience, leads to a discussion about rudeness in comedy clubs, the nature of offence, how different people can interpret the same events in wildly different ways and how being a comedian can lead you to some dark and deadly places, that are only very occasionally amusing as well. It’s an extraordinary podcast in many ways, hilarious, slightly terrifying and then unexpectedly moving and revealing.
Richard is exhausted again because of his stupid, idiot daughter, but at least she’s given him the excuse to finally get to have a go at soft play. He’s got 99 problems, but his 99th guest isn’t one, it’s the multi-talented actor and improviser, Cariad Lloyd.
There’s another dissection of the short film “Hallo Panda” which Richard once again promises to watch, even though he clearly won’t, plus find out what it’s like to be a fan working on Peep Show, the abrasive character of genius improviser Ken Campbell, how George Osborne comes to Fringe shows in the hope of getting pencils, how Cariad very nearly destroyed the marriage of David Bowie, what connects Taylor Swift and the tax on tampons.
Plus there’s some more serious chat about whether the BBC can survive (don’t worry, they’re not watching) and some less serious chat about how much it would cost to employ a successful comedy actor as a Christmas elf (as well as the danger of working with Santas who’ve been in James Bond films).
It’s the 100th Leicester Square Theatre Podcast and the last in this series, so we’ve flown a special guest in all the way from America at the licence fee payer’s expense, it’s Blue Peter’s bad boy, Richard Bacon. And in typical fashion he turns up at the theatre having been out all night celebrating his imminent 40th birthday. Where does he get his energy from?… oh right.
Find out about how he once cried salty tears on to Mansfield Macdonald’s salty gherkins, how he became Top of the Pop’s most notorious ever presenter by accidentally calling some people fat, why he has been banned from the state opening of parliament, how he took a forgetful plate-spinner to Las Vegas, what he knows about the Tales of Robin Hood, what part of his anatomy (other than his mouth and nose) he can breathe out of and why this gives him another kinship with Herring on top of his Dicky first name and food-based surname. Plus what he REALLY thinks of Una Stubbs (he thinks she’s nice). And he gives himself something else to apologise for in a lifetime of apology. He’s a very entertaining and lovely idiot, but as you’ll see, it’s all down to genetics. Hard to believe his one attempt at stand up ended so badly.
