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Private Notes
A new series of RHLSTP and Richard has a whole raft of new emergency questions, to the consternation of his audience who just want to hear the old ones. Predictably he is a bit obsessed with Tory MPs sending pictures of their winkies to pretend women, but less predictably concerned that the Tory party might be made up of actual penises.
His first guest comes from Sarnia, the no-nonsense, no-holds-barred Katherine Ryan. There's some interesting conspiracy theories revolving around Beyonce, what it's like to work in Hooters, the dirty protests at a Crouch End Primary School, the stupidity of American tourists using their children as bear-bait and as she's from Canada so she's got to have seen a BigFoot, right?
Richard is still reeling from the lurgy he had in last week's show and his guest is also not very well, it's Mark Gatiss from off of League of Gentlemen and Fear of Fanny. Inevitably there is a lot of discussion about obscure 1970s TV and Tim from the Office being in Sherlock and you'll find out which Doctor Who monster Mark would most like to have sex with.
But other questions include: How did Mark prepare for the role that made him famous, the voice of Greg Evigan on TMWRNJ? What characters DIDN'T make it into the League of Gentlemen? What is the biggest fossil that he has ever discovered? Should Rich buy a metal detector? And there's a terrifying real-life ghost story and more on conspiracy theories.
It's gentle and largely dignified, as one would expect from two middle-aged men with colds and bad backs.
Richard forgot to lube his nipples and now he's in all kinds of pain, but he's mainly glad that his nipples get to experience any sensation at all. And hopefully his guest this week will steer clear of his breast area and who to make up for his Edinburgh Fringe Podcast no-show, turned up two hours early, Brendon Burns. They chat about why Stewart Lee fans are "the worst", whether certain words are unsayable, how splitting yourself into two different comedic personalities can only lead to mental breakdown, if the loss of libido is a blessed release and what it's like to be mistaken for Ferris Bueller.
Psychic Richard manages to divine the life of someone in his front row merely by looking at him, though what he finds out about this person's nipples will change your life forever. His guest this week is the Rod Hull faced comedian James Acaster. You will find out what it's like to survive three car crashes and two train derailments, how much you could expect to earn selling slurpies in Kettering in the 1990s and what it is that draws the police to conspiracy theorists. Acaster also completely Mitchells the new emergency question. But has he ever seen a Bigfoot? You'll have to wait until the end of the podcast to find out. But it's unlikely I reckon.
Rich is still alive and kicking (and dancing) only a day after completing a Half Marathon in record breaking time (though to be fair he had a ringer to do it for him) and he's disappointed in the movie "The Wolf of Wall Street" for all kinds of reasons.
But he has a very special guest to help him celebrate his half century of RHLSTPs, it's the go-to guy if you want someone to play a small toy figure, Steve Coogan. A-ha! (Steve loves it when people do that). They chat about getting laughs at the Leveson Enquiry, why so many people that Steve has done impressions of have ended up in gaol, Stewart Lee's Partridge-inspiring encounter with a superfan and why Around the World in 80 Days really needed more martial arts in it.
And finally we're going to find out who created Alan Partridge. Will Steve pay Richard the £250,000 he demands in royalties? No he won't.
Even though eight days have passed since the Half-Marathon Richard still aches like it was all just yesterday. But he will soon forget his woes when he chats to the great-grandaughter of music writer Rosa Newmarch (and you never know who here great-grandfather might have been) Sara Pascoe.
In what is one of Rich's favourite ever RHLSTPs the chat encompasses whether a vegan can eat a ham hand, how a six foot tall penis man would cope with his terrible life, what it's like to be part of a younger generation of comedians who are about to storm the comedy citadel and claim their rightful crown and why there should be more women on "Would I Lie To You?".
Sara and Richard chat about how they fell in love (with other people) as their significant others possibly get together in the darkness of the auditorium.
Rich has some surprising and life-changing news to share, but that doesn't mean that gloves (and pants if it's cold enough) aren't off for the annual sparring match with TV's Sarah Millican.
Who will win the flirtatious/offensive battle of wits this time. You'll find out why she appeared on TV without her underwear, why she kept her first husband's name and be asked to consider whether she was unreasonable when she refused to tell a journalist her exact address. And would her DVDs sell better if she included a free sample of her own excrement?
But you will learn more about Rich than his interviewee this week, because he was a bit tired and unable to control his mouth or brain. What does he have for breakfast on tour? Who was right and who was wrong during Cornetto-gate? Is money real or a meaningless abstract? And what happens if he ceases to be before he sees his own sexcrement?
Richard is very excited about his Nostradamus-like abilities to predict the future and makes another audacious claim about future-tech. Only time will tell if he is right again.
His guest is the ubiquitous and claustrophobic Rebecca Front, a woman who has appeared in all manner of award winning TV and Radio roles, but never, it seems, if Richard has been involved in the production. You'll discover the confusion that can be caused by a mistimed fan shouting out one of your catchphrases, what Patrick Marber is really like to work with, how Morse will never be allowed to die and what happened when Lauren Bacall ate one of her husband's chips.
Rich is embarrassed to ask his usual stupid, sexual questions to someone he considers to be purer than the Virgin Mary, especially when her 15 year old son is in the audience. But he still asks them. Because he is trapped in a nightmare of his own making that he can't escape.
And was "You Can Choose Your Friends" one of the great lost TV series or the worst thing ever to be on television (according to the Evening Standard)?
Rich is excited to reveal his new "grown-up" question notebook, but will having a baby make him stop finding some jokes funny? His guest has both a Mastermind and a Pointless trophy, it's Devonian Josh Widdicombe.
Find about the Pret a Manger lifestyles of the rich and famous that you can only dream of emulating, what the secret behind Josh's impressively swollen genitalia is and whether he prefers comedy or something else. The comedy/awkwardness of awkwardness around the Stephen Merchant interview continues. Richard fails to make amends.
Rich has more ideas for terrorist atrocities and wondering if vitamin supplements might be the key to bringing down an aeroplane. His guest is crazy-haired satirist for hire, Andy Zaltzman.
What would the TV rights to the destruction of the Houses of Parliament be? What's the best thing a terrorist has ever said? What's the appeal of cricket? Is a shed the ultimate goal for any writer? Is dating a six foot tall penis man really the best way to get over the death of one's wife? How different would the world be if John Oliver and Andy switched places like in the film Freaky Friday? It must be tough when your double act partner goes on to be much more successful than you. Poor Andy.
Richard has been considering his own mortality after a visit to Highgate Cemetery, realising that one day he himself might die. But it's unlikely. So let's sniff Dicks whilst the sun shines and we have the biggest Dick so far in the series (though not the biggest guest) with host of Two Tribes and Pointless, Richard Osman.
Rich pitches all manner of TV shows to the highly successful TV producer, who seems unimpressed (even with Goodnight Goodnight Sweetheart Sweetheart. You'll also find out what was with Prize Island, who won the World Cup of Chocolate (also what is the best crisps and chew) and Rich's performance on Pointless is roundly mocked. And in a segment that is bound to have a Sachsgate style repercussion on all internet programming, Richard Osman is very rude about Richard's mum, Barbara Herring, who has done nothing wrong, but point out a gross error made by the Egghead presenter (sorry he doesn't present that show).
For the first time in RHLSTP history, a guest has been unable to make the recording at the last minute. Al Murray had to drop out due to illness and so Rich was forced to find a new guest who could, get to central London in an hour.
And that guest was Michael Legge - no not the one from the film Angela's Ashes or the blind or deaf Hereford-based massage therapist. The one from the Bollings and Nerrin Podcast. I can only apologise. But it turns out that the podcast might be even better with no preparation (ha, as if there's any anyway) and last second bookings cos Michael has funny stories about how he copes with people playing music on the bus, falling out with Robin Ince, Richard's inability to clap and why he won't eat stuff that's come out of an animal.
And there's more serious chat about the rise of the new-sexism in comedy and an almost entirely successful comedy of nostalgia about a show that nobody in the audience seems to have heard of. It gets awkward and weird, but they push through that and find some funny stuff again. He's no Al Murray and he might not even be the Michael Legge that you're thinking of, but he was the best we could do in the time available.
Richard is excited about having been shopping for his as yet unborn child and having seen a daring theft from Pret a Manger and is freaked out to think that although recorded in November 2014 this podcast will go out on the cusp of 2015 - the future!
His guest is high-haired, loud-shirted gagsmith Milton Jones. They discuss killer heckles and when gigs go wrong, more obscure 1970s TV shows, the Men's Health Abs Challenge and how many people remember the show Planet Mirth.
There's some more serious talk about charity work in Uganda which makes it hard to segue back into cock based questions. But that doesn't stop Richard trying.
Richard is gifted a front row audience member who is not only wearing red glasses but is also called Aanth (that is not a typo) and vents as much as he can whilst in a position of strength, knowing his guest should be able to wipe the floor with him, it's record-breaking poker player and the stern host of Only Connect, Victoria Coren Mitchell.
She has the requisite disdain for the emergency questions and Richard's foolishly competitive nature and there are fun chats about her attempts to make a porn film, how she faced up to and exposed some weirdo funeral crashers, who puts the bins out in the Coren Mitchell household and how different the Universe might have been if Richard had realised that there was a possible flirtation beneath their first ever meeting. Richard also considers the Universe in which he now has £4 million and Victoria has some good advice about gambling.
A new website to rival dirty britcom confessions has emerged and Richard is fascinated to find out his fans' favourite food. His guest is a woman who has more bakery based puns than you have had obscure Eastern European cakes, it's Sue Perkins.
Find out what it was like working on "Don't Scare the Hare", why Sue nearly turned down the Great British Bake Off and the highs and lows of travelling up the Mekong river. Find out what it's like being the judge of the Booker prize (and who Sue thinks should have won) and why you should never ask the audience to ask the questions. Plus an appearance from our dildo expert.
Richard has bought (and definitely not shoplifted) a present for this week's guest, the author who thinks you'll find it's more complicated than that, Ben Goldacre.
It's a change of pace from the usual podcasts, with some serious chats about medicine, quacks, how a dead cat became a doctor and the ways that data and statistics can be abused. But there's still time for Goldacre to raise questions about his sexuality, talk about his pop star mum and discuss his "friend's" attempts at auto-felatio.
Can nutritionalists work out your allergies by moving your limbs? Are Beroccas just homeopathy for sceptics? Is Lancaster a real place? Is it possible to get a simple yes or no answer as to whether you should wear a cycle helmet? I think you'll find it's more complicated than that.
In this and the next podcast Richard is catching up with some of the stars of the failed 1990s comedy show, “This Morning With Richard Not Judy”.
Richard is joined by his erstwhile partner Stewart Lee to chat about This Morning With Richard, Not Judy. Stew discovers that there was nearly a very different host, they chat about the Edinburgh Fringe genesis of the idea and how they managed to give away a car, the terrible fate of Histor and Pliny, how ice and gas played a part on the stand up circuit and the Rod Hull sketches that never were.
They are then joined by Paul "Curious Orange" Putner and Trevor "Small-Face" Lock to chat about the gravity behind the gravity sketch and how Mark E Smith responded to the Curious Orange. The stink of the past hangs over the occasion like a fetid cloak made of carrion.
