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Private Notes
Beloved, sassy Golden Girl Rue McClanahan stars as an unbeloved, depressive stripper who wants to become a movie star but can’t get any roles better than, say “Stripper #3” in Mondo Topless. But love is in the air, mingling with LA smog, as Rue falls for assistant junkyard attendee Tony, played by Anthony Vorno (Sweet trash, Jailbait Babysitter). Surprisingly, things go wrong and one of them turns up dead. There’s plenty of dimly-lit Burlesque dancing on a bare, presumable filthy stage, plus pale, hairy men in tight swimsuits, and drug-laced creepy sex! HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD! It’s up to the Film Crew to turn this bleak cautionary tale into a hilarious, um, cautionary tale. Lunch is provided.
In Killers from Space, an unwitting scientist (King of Blandness Peter Graves) is abducted by aliens and forced to help them with their sinister plan to conquer the earth with giant mutated insects. It isn’t a very good plan, but they’re not very competent aliens, hobbled by having to wear hooded onesies and ping pong ball-halves over their eyes. Will he save the world? Of course he will, we’re still here, aren’t we? And thanks to the Film Crew, we learn all about that legendary film acting technique called the Robechet - a “sudden, expressionless, dead-eyed closeup” used lavishly in Killers From Space. It’s so fun and easy to do, soon you’ll be pulling Robechets on all your friends, who in turn will despise you! Try one today!
What if there was a primitive island tribe where all the women were gorgeous and all the men were nasty-looking uggos? Might Mother Nature fix this by creating a tribe on a nearby island where all the men are hunks, and the women are brutes? You’d think not, but the makers of Wild Women of Wongo are not you. Wild Women of Wongo is a sex farce without the sex or the farce, set in a never-never land of uncivilized island dwellers who all look like someone going to a Halloween party as “uncivilized island dweller.” Add a crocodile who comes in the form of stock footage and rubber model, a lot of awkward dancing, and an actress named “Adrienne Bourbeau” who refuses to actually be Adrienne Barbeau, and you got yourself a movie. Mike, Kevin and Bill will DANCE their way into your hearts with this riff.
Before Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Arnold “The Governator” Schwarzenegger there was Steve “The Bodybuilder Referenced in One Rocky Horror Picture Show Song” Reeves. Mr. Reeves was famous for playing Hercules, but in Giant of Marathon he plays the much less impressive muscle-dude Phillipides, mythical hero of the Battle of Marathon. Yes, he fought a bunch of guys in a gas station NAHH we kid! This is a sword and sandals epic of a type much beloved by Italy in the 1950s, where Mr. Reeves spend much time pumped, oiled, and glistening for the Euro-camera while saying words occasionally. If you’re a fan of sexy classical babes and shirtless dudes in tiny skirts (NOT MIKE, KEVIN AND BILL, DO NOT FEAR), then the Film Crew has just the riff for you. Um, this one.
