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Private Notes
Meet the new breed of grumpies: a bit younger but no less embittered. With tales of seasonal Tourette's, inappropriate present-buying and the eating of reindeer, here is the latest in a long line of celebrities with hilarious tales of festive humbug. Ozzy Osbourne considers himself lucky to have missed the whole thing one year following a horrific quad bike injury; Huey Morgan would rather throw burning conifers off the roof; John Thomson likes confusing his parents by sending them anonymous cards; Neil Morrissey may elect to spend the time locked away in the loo with a portable TV, a few bottles of wine and a turkey sandwich; and Ronni Ancona thinks sprouts are the grapes of the devil. Why? Because it's Christmas again. Have a very grumpy Christmas everyone.
A cross-section of Grumps (old and young...ish) wax irritable about the decade that style, taste and decency forgot. These ten years that saw the rise of rampant consumerism, the Wicked Witch of Westminster, shoulder pads and rubbish hair were a difficult time for those of a disgruntled disposition, so expect their Filofaxes of fury to be positively bulging with caustic memos.
School days are billed as the best days of your life but were more like a prison sentence for our grumpies. We all remember the sadistic games teacher, or the unique boredom of double maths on a Monday morning. But if you are of the grumpy persuasion then School Day horrors seem to have particular resonance. Mark Radcliffe thought his school days a mix of sadism and insanity, Ronni Ancona thought her school worse than a Russian gulag, Huey Morgan was almost choked by one teacher and Mark Steel remembers experiencing the worst fart in history. Neil Morrissey pretended to be the class psycho, Shappi Khorsandi once stole Neil Kinnock's daughter's school report, whilst Al Murray remembers the horrors of being at the back with the fat kid in PE.
Ronni Ancona will moan that your Jamie Oliver-inspired turkey and cranberry sauce is “basically chicken with jam”, Al Murray will tell you to “go away” when you talk to him about the joy of giving (he actually uses stronger language but I’m starting my New Year’s resolution a few days early) and Penny Smith will moan that it’s all “sentimental claptrap”. Donna McPhail will terrify your dog by declaring Christmas is “worse than a puppy because you can’t put it in a sack and drown it.” And Ozzy Osbourne will consider getting back on his quad bike to avoid the whole thing for a second time. It’s “just b******s,” he says. Oh damn, there goes my resolution already.
Chefs are the new rock stars, food the new entertainment, wine the new way to get drunk and be able to show off about how rich and clever you are at the same time. Food and wine and the pretentious nonsense talked about it can send people of a grumpy disposition over the edge. Our mission? to demystify the more preposterous food and wine terminology, to get some inside tips on just how to summon the waiter, and how to seem more knowledgeable than you actually are when the somellier seems determined to make you feel about two inches tall.
A grumpy perspective on aspects of modern life. According to the contributors the class system is now more complicated than ever: the toffs have run out of money, the middle class runs the country, footballers are royalty, and everyone claims to be working class because it's the only class with street cred. One way or another it seems the class system is alive and well.
A grumpy perspective on aspects of modern life. The world of work involves spending most of your life in places you can't bear, with people you can't stand, doing stuff that doesn't matter. A host of contributors examine the whole job process, from writing the dreaded CV to deciphering meaningless management speak. Plus tips on throwing a sickie when it all gets a bit too much.
A grumpy look at romance. For those newly in love, the dating game may be a wonderful thing, but for the rest of us just the word romance alone sets us off. It could be that the process of finding someone nice to date is so hideous and difficult that once two people find each other they stick together like glue.
Britain's grumpiest talking heads share their woes about politics. Politicians sometimes feel like a waste of oxygen: high on promise, low on delivery. If they're not spinning or being economical with the truth, they're up to some hanky panky with their diary secretary. This romp through some of the juiciest scandals and silliest examples of spin will at least serve as a reminder that politicians are extremely human.
Work - it's that four letter word we all have to deal with, from boardroom to boredom nothing exasperates our state of grumpiness like the unrewarding, relentless repetition of work. Whether it's looking for work, commuting to work, actually doing the work, surviving your work colleagues or quitting work, every single step of the ladder is fraught with frustration. This Grumpy Guide invites our gaggle of Grumpys to let off steam, covering topics including their right to steal office equipment, ingenious skiving techniques, the dangers of email and clock watching.
A grumpy perspective on the world of driving, covering topics such as misguiding sat navs, infuriating back-seat drivers, and the hell that is inner city gridlock.
