Trainwreck 2015

I saw this "Trainwreck", and I can verify that it's a steaming pile of shit.
It's like Amy Schumer literally shat out the script. And if you're gonna shit out the script, then why on earth would you make it over two hours long? Many of my favorite films are longer than that, but this movie stretched its plot out so fucking thin.
The entire plot could've been done in half as much time, and nothing would have been lost. Amy Schumer somehow did an absolutely terrible job playing the character that she wrote for herself to play. When she was crying at a funeral, the tears did not even remotely look like they were brought on from emotions the character was experiencing. It just looked like an actor trying to force them out. The vast majority of the performances in this movie were absolute shit. Tilda Swinton was the only one there that was able to pull a great performance, regardless of the terrible script and poor direction. And with every other actor doing an absolute shit job, I had to assume that Judd Apatow's directing in this movie wasn't all that great. I mean, even if we ignored him directing the actors, At what point of this movie was I supposed to be even remotely impressed with his directing whatsoever? Most of the shots were just really simple shots of actors sitting down and talking. And somehow he even fucked one of those up. Like during that one scene with the sports commentator, where he was leaning too far forward in his chair for his face to be in focus, but they kept the shot anyway, because they were too lazy to reshoot it? Lebron James was bearable, until the end of a scene where he was supposed to show anger. Like he was supposed to say, "Damn it," in pretend to be mad, but he was so embarrassingly held back? Maybe he was only bearable to me because he's not really an actor anyway. John Cena was alright compared to other things he's done... But the writing was so goddamn awful. Like almost every scene ended with a "punchline", But none of it was funny. It was kinda awkward being in an audience full of people that only so much as chuckled every ten minutes. As for me, the only response I was able to give this movie was to roll my eyes. There were far too many moments that wound up with me wondering, "Is this what constitutes as humor?" There were a few gay jokes in the movie, with one of them being particularly ongoing...John Cena's character would be saying something, and then somehow accidentally imply that he wanted to have sex with another man? And it happened like twenty-fucking times in-a-row. And that's the joke. That's it!w And it's not like I'm offended because there's a gay joke in the movie. The problem was not that it was a gay joke, the problem was that there was no joke. 'Gay' was the joke. Gay jokes can be very funny, when there's a joke. It's not a joke on its own. Well I guess it makes the script writing process a lot easier for you, doesn't it? Let's make a joke about Lebron James being overly-responsible for his finances. Hey, I wonder what Lebron James is gonna do in literally every other scene until the end of the movie? Wow, he made a joke about being overly-responsible with his finances again? How hilarious! Every time a joke was set up, it was so fucking obvious, that I would call it in my head well-before they delivered it. Amy Schumer's with Bill Hader at dinner, and she says,"Oh, you don't actually have to ask for the check and motion for it with your hand at the same time, you can just silently mouth it to the waiter like this." And instantly in my head I'm thinking, "Oh, he's gonna yell it out loud right now, how funny." And then he yells it out loud. How funny. How funny again that it happens several more times in a row. And yet it seems like the kind of joke that you should write for a socially-inept 'Michael Scott' type of character. But there's no other real moments in the film where Bill Hader's character shows that sort of social ineptitude. Like whenever a character did something that was so completely stupid and socially-unaware, it was like they were just fucking taking turns. Making their characters seem really unrealistic. Like the entire idea of Amy Schumer's character is that she's supposed to be some sort of 'Trainwreck'? They keep referencing her alcohol and marijuana use, there's only a couple moments in the film where she's actually acting intoxicated. For the majority of the film they just tell you about it without her actually acting like it. Before the film even started, one of the things I was thinking was, "Hmm, I wonder if this is gonna be like every other shitty comedy movie where the main character's get angry at each other for no reason, to transition the second act into the third."Wow, I totally didn't see that coming. It was even complete with an absolutely unbearable soft-rock montage showing long shots of individual characters in their separate locations without each other.Why the fuck does every shitty comedy movie feel as though they need to do this? Is it that essential to include on your standardized script-writing checklist? And if you're going to do it all, can you please at least try to make it seem as though it would be a natural progression for the character's story? Rather than it being excrutiatingly obvious that you're forcing it into the movie? Nope! No creativity here! Everything has to be unoriginal, boring, and uninspired. Everything felt so goddamn fake. This is a dumb movie, and you shouldn't watch it.