1x07 Q-Less

[5.8/10] I’m shocked that any episode with Q in it is this poor. But then again, despite the title, “Q-Less” isn’t really a Q episode. It’s a Vash episode. And therein lies the trouble.

Look, cards on the table, the writers were always more interested in Vash than I was. From the word go, she clocked in as a bog standard femme fatale to me, with none of the depth or charm the folks writing her character seemed to see in her. Jennifer Hetrick isn’t bad as a performer, but can’t carry off the pure slick charisma needed to make a character like Vash work. So when any episode is even partway built around her, like TNG’s “Captain’s Holiday” and “Qpid”, it drags the whole production down.

Here, she’s hitched a ride back from the Gamma Quadrant after her adventures with Q and, wouldn't you know it, ended up on Deep Space Nine. I can forgive the contrivance. In contrast to The Next Generation, this new spin-off is still finding its footing and wants to associate itself as strongly as possible with the then-current Star Trek show the fans already like. (See also: the Duras Sisters.) Vash and, more importantly, Q is a good way to hook viewers excited to see some familiar faces who might stick around to watch the new ones.

And hey, Q is still great! Because he’s always great. Not every Q episode is perfect, but the character, and John DeLancie’s inimitable performance, is never the problem. The way he dresses down a new set of characters is a delightful as when he’s giving the Enterprise crew the business. Him calling Commander Sisko “Benjy”, him referring to Chief O’Brien as “one of the little people,” and casual mention of the tailoring are all tons of fun. Plus, while the Q/Sisko dynamic isn’t nearly as fun as the Q/Picard dynamic (or the Q/Janeway dynamic for that matter), Benjamin popping the would-be deity in the mouth, hearing “Picard never hit me!” from Q, and curtly replying, “I’m not Picard” is a season 1 highlight for Sisko.

Still, most of Q’s prodigious talents are wasted on screwball-esque scenes where he tries to woo Vash back, for lack of a better term. There’s an unremarked upon undertone of an abusive or at least obsessive boyfriend to their scenes that turns into a missed opportunity. One of the highlights of TNG’s “True Q” is the menacing tone Q had when taunting and manipulating Amanda Rodgers. Rather than leaning into that side of things and showing how despite his jester-y bent, Q is a terror, “Q-Less” veers into more wacky, broad “Would you just leave me alone?” comic shtick.

(As an aside, I forgot how much of a horny creep Dr. Bashir feels like in these early episodes. It’s basically his only character trait.)

Vash, for her part, is sick of Q and just wants to be left alone. The episode at least has the good sense to pair her up with Quark instead. Given Vash’s generic qualities, the partnership doesn’t pay off as well as it should have (in-universe and out). But given her off-the-shelf hustler qualities, her run-in with a precursor to Rom, and Quark’s own lucre-laden intentions, the two of them at least make sense together.

So when Vash brings aboard some Gamma Quadrant artifacts with a goal to pay her way into a quiet life of relaxation, Quark’s the logical stand-in to help her auction them off to the less scrupulous denizens of the galaxy. The episode spends way too much time on their unconvincing dynamic, much like prior episodes did between her and Picard, but there’s at least a solid reason for the two of them to work together.

The catch is that this is yet another Star Trek episode with a mystery whose answer is obvious to the audience by, at a minimum, the halfway mark. You see, Deep Space Nine keeps dealing with odd power fluctuations. Everything from the shuttlecraft Vash came in on to major systems on the station itself keeps blinking on and off, threatening the well-being of everyone on board.

Gee, I wonder if it has to do with the big honeycomb gem that the script and the camera pays extra attention to, the one that arrived on the shuttle which had problems in the teaser, and whose delivery coincides with the beginning of these issues on the station? In fairness, there’s no good reason for the DS9 crew to know this. But “Q-Less” spins its wheels for too long with Sisko and company tossing around the usual technobabble before they piece it together.

Worse yet, you don’t really feel the danger of the threat because no one seems to be reacting to it beyond the main cast. The script needs Quark and Vash to be off on their auction adventure, largely unperturbed, so it’s as though the tension is entirely localized to ops. Despite the fact that everyone on board is in mortal peril, there’s no alert, no reaction by any of the civilians, nothing. I guess Sisko didn’t want to cause a panic? Whatever the reason, it largely saps the drama out of the episode’s big set piece.

There is one cool reveal -- the gem is, in fact, a hatching lifeform which, when beamed off the station, transforms into a giant glowing space manta-ray. There’s not much of a point to it, beyond Vash, as usual, messing with forces she knows nothing about for the profit of it and putting others at risk, but hey, it’s a neat concept.

The point is for Vash to try to get out of the game -- away from Q, away from archaeological mischief, away from unscrupulous artifact sales -- and settle down at the Daystrom Institute back on Earth. Only faced with such excitement, and Q’s reminders of the adventures they had, she can’t turn down the prospect of more mischief. Sure. Why not? Minor spoilers here, but it’s the last we see of Vash in Star Trek (so far, at least), and I don’t mind her being off forever on some other adventures, leaving our favorite shows undisturbed.

Thankfully the same can’t be said for Q. Sadly, this is his only appearance on Deep Space Nine (though not in the franchise), but after the misfire of “Q-Less”, I can see why the powers that be were hesitant to have him return. Part of the fun of Q is that he’s an agent of chaos to disrupt the otherwise pristine, clockwork goings on of the Enterprise. But Deep Space Nine is neither pristine nor clockwork, nor are its major characters all the sort of upstanding, uptight officers who need a little starch taken out of their stuffed shirts. Maybe the fit was never right.

Still, I’d love to see what Q could do when no longer tethered to the dead weight that is Vash. Ironically, this episode is largely about her trying to get rid of him, when it might have benefited if it had quickly done the reverse. C’est la vie et bon voyage.