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Private Notes
These highlights from the upcoming season of The Half Hour feature stand-up from Noah Gardenswartz, Aparna Nancherla, Ali Siddiq, Emily Heller, Nick Turner, Martha Kelly, Jacqueline Novak, Mike Recine, Ahmed Bharoocha, Nate Fernald and more.
Rory Scovel takes comfort from Southern pilots, enjoys sex shop browsing and detests airport security.
Michael Palascak discusses his fear of ghost babies, his mixed feelings about SUVs and living with his parents after college.
Na'im Lynn describes how to secure a South African bride, the benefits of an alcohol colonic and why racism is counterproductive.
Neal Brennan explores depressing BBC news reporting, erotic photography of male bodies and his feelings about President Obama.
Brendon Walsh discusses everything from the postcoital thoughts of Fleshlight owners to the joys of wearing a fake mustache.
Nick Vatterott does his best to avoid offending his fans, explains what he loves most about Halloween and imitates an unusual comic and a hardcore baby.
Theo Von shares his feelings about the PT Cruiser Convertible, fantasizes about the best way to spend money and explains his text-based friendship with a total stranger.
Maronzio Vance faces off with a mall kiosk employee, fantasizes about a store that would make dating easier and reveals a compliment he gave that went horribly awry.
Joe Mande shares tales of Twitter warfare, describes a terrifyingly confident girl in his neighborhood and imagines the life of the first man to drink milk.
Garfunkel & Oates sing about Pat Robertson, smug pregnancies and orgasmic Go-Karts.
David O'Doherty lays down sweet keyboard tunes about Shakira, the Internet and text messages.
Jesse Popp covers everything from surviving life without health insurance to his true feelings about "Star Wars," Guinness World Records and the moon landing conspiracy.
Dan Soder suspects millennials ruin everything with gentrification and too many abbreviations.
Nikki Glaser discusses the perils of home waxing, explains what's keeping her from getting pregnant and ruminates about the plusses and minuses of sober sex.
Erik Griffin shares his fear of horror movies, describes the different types of Workaholics fans and describes the pre-old age range.
Joe DeRosa describes living in a crazy city, reveals who's preventing him from getting in shape and offers a suggestion to people torn between religion and science.
Dan St. Germain discusses his feelings about being single, living in New York City, the Connecticut Muffin chain and Evan Williams whiskey.
Sean O'Connor explains the importance of glitter at a Ke$ha concert, how he briefly became a gay porn star and why Halloween is his favorite holiday.
Jonah Ray reveals what it's like to have a live-in girlfriend, remembers a tense game of Truth-or-Date and recounts an unpleasant encounter with a heavy metal musician.
Gabe Liedman is tired of monkeys, but he does love all the anal sex in "Game of Thrones."
Jared Logan describes growing up in West Virginia, a sweet old lady who tested him for STDs and the worst movie date he ever had.
Mike Lawrence describes fights with homeless people, the best part of working at McDonald's and seeing "Spaceballs" before "Star Wars."
Lil Rel gets into an argument at his local liquor store, encounters a capable toddler and reveals a secret about marriage.
Cristela Alonzo describes the post-Halloween walk of shame, using the McRib to tell time and her hatred of nail salon small talk.
Andy Haynes fantasizes about a new-and-improved subway system, explains why getting engaged sucks for men and describes his gangster rescue cats.
Ben Kronberg asks life's big questions, talks pooping strategy and invents new names for everything from farts to underwater boners.
Baron Vaughn talks about growing up in a rough neighborhood, the relative trustworthiness of cereal mascots and the test that all black people secretly give each other.
Sean Patton explains the best way to win a fight, reveals his desire to be a fraternity's pledge master and describes his dream of being a matchmaker for people with STDs.
Brody Stevens breaks down the fourth wall, reveals the best way to get hits on YouTube and relives the day he spent filming "The Hangover."
Chris Distefano covers everything from his recent breakup to gentrification in New York City to his father's unusual accent.
Michael Che discusses hospitable racists, paying taxes and how sex gets better with age.
Tommy Johnagin covers everything from teaching his mother to use technology to buying his girlfriend lingerie to accidentally getting drunk before the birth of his daughter.
Adam Newman tackles tough topics like being a basketball fan in New York, going to school in the South and his love for children's songs about diarrhea.
Chris Gethard reveals the story behind one of his tattoos, describes falling off the wagon at Bonnaroo and explains why he hates public displays of affection.
Ron Funches discusses everything from his weird relationship to his parents to the reason he hates drug tests to the proper way to shame a pet.
Fortune Feimster shares her thoughts on yoga, Tuesday night strippers, drinking with her mother and coming out of the closet.
Yannis Pappas touches on his recent breakup, moving to Miami and how we've all become addicted to our cell phones.
Damien Lemon talks about his hatred of destination weddings, failed novelists writing Yelp reviews and his dream of having sex with a hand dryer.
Rachel Feinstein discusses her postcoital behavior, her embarrassing mother and her mortal fear of marrying a theater teacher named Richard.
Mark Normand discusses women's pictures on Facebook, lazy racism and hanging out at gay bars.
Joe Wengert describes his terrible public interactions, the trouble with catchy songs and a new game that he invented to make life easier.
Kurt Braunohler talks about his unmitigated hatred of biscotti, the airport security strategies he uses and the unfortunate way that he discovered masturbation.
Joe Zimmerman discusses selling out free shows, his battles with hypochondria and President Andrew Jackson's prolific dueling career.
Liza Treyger talks about her future as a party animal, the dangerous side effects of weird penises and how difficult it is for her to get laid because of her standards.
Hampton Yount explains why he thinks that the Olympics are racist, reveals how to deal with conspiracy theorists and describes why he can't wait to get divorced.
Michelle Buteau reveals how she met her husband and explains what it's like to be married to a white European man.
Barry Rothbart describes home life with his girlfriend and the ill effects of his disgusting diet.
Brooks Wheelan imagines what would happen if he panicked onstage, explains how he learned about the Internet and tells the story of a prank gone painfully awry.
Andy Woodhull describes the perks of marrying a single mom, getting lice from his stepchildren, female farts and the time his dog ate all his condoms.
Randy Liedtke takes a phone call, plays a voicemail, wonders how soon is too soon to eat pizza after someone dies and talks about his girlfriend, who may or may not be real.
Beth Stelling describes the weird aspects of being a female comic, her mother's struggle with phone companies and why she loves "The Bachelor."
Sam Morril talks about what we should be teaching children, nonsensical homophobia, the repercussions of telling controversial jokes and surprise orgies.
Joe List discusses coping with anxiety in yoga class, aggressive sex, strange male bonding rituals and his uncle's questionable babysitting methods.
Sean Donnelly acknowledges his looks, talks about why he has a hard time losing weight and reveals what marriage has taught him.
Phil Hanley talks about everything from living with his parents as an adult to moving to New York City from Canada to the difficulties of dating.
Tone Bell explains why he doesn't want to meet his cousin's baby, reveals why he can't smoke weed and tells a story about a bank that doesn't take cash.
Andrew Santino translates bird mating calls, explains what you should never do in a bar bathroom and reveals why most traffic laws are stupid.
Noah Gardenswartz talks about a recent jewelry-based life change, explains why he likes drugs and gambling, and discusses the challenges of being a teacher.
Ramon Rivas II talks about spending time with his nieces and nephews, reveals why he has trouble with women and explains how he managed to survive on a budget in New York.
Joe Machi dissects Tom Brady's faulty logic, points out the one way in which he and Bill Gates are similar and imagines a new alternative to pharmacies.
Drew Michael brainstorms about how he'd like to resolve an argument with his girlfriend and explains how conservatives can be accidentally progressive.
Aparna Nancherla talks about her struggles with depression and anxiety, tells a story about being catcalled and imagines the future of internet listicles.
Nate Fernald describes his terrible week, divulges his various insecurities, shames a rude audience member and does a few impressions.
Ali Siddiq tells a story about his fiercely competitive daughter, faces the hard truth about his son and describes how living in a white neighborhood has changed him.
Cy Amundson reveals the strange ways in which his obsessive-compulsive disorder manifests itself, explains why he loves to lie and describes how to diffuse an argument.
Emily Heller does some spot-on impressions, reveals the most annoying thing about her own brain and explains why she's happy being single.
Erik Bergstrom opens up about his recent battle with cancer, reveals what ruined his last relationship and explains his issue with the Insane Clown Posse.
Martha Kelly shares her opinions on animal rights, talks about her experience with getting sober and reads a letter from her deceased cat.
Nick Turner talks about his rescue dog, defines the term "soul mate" and reveals how he prefers to get the results of STD tests.
Mike Recine dreams about his ultimate comedy goal, explains why his girlfriend isn't suited for her job and reveals how his brother outsmarted the Special Olympics.
Jacqueline Novak talks about the horror of the human body, her love of food, her biggest fear and the least sexual word in the English language.
Naomi Ekperigin explains why she's excited to marry a Jewish man, shares the scariest thing about moving in with her fiance and admits that she doesn't miss being single.
Ahmed Bharoocha shares an embarrassing phobia, talks about his problems with religion and technology, and tells a story about his overly supportive father.
Matthew Broussard admits he looks like a villain, explains why college is basically a social experiment and reveals the least sexy thing you can say to a woman.
Chris Redd shares personal stories about a passive-aggressive flight attendant, helping his cousin come out of the closet and meeting a strange magician in Los Angeles.
Yamaneika Saunders takes the stage to describe losing her virginity when she was 27 and the honorless work of being maid of honor at her best friend's wedding.
Shane Torres discusses home-schooled kids, explains how grief can lead to great sex and defends Guy Fieri from those who mock him.
Jenny Zigrino talks about being a role model for her younger sister, describes life as a plus-size woman in L.A. and explains how parties change in your thirties.
Casey James Salengo talks about having a single mom, describes how mean and specific dating app bios are, and suggests a way to spice up dog walking.
Jo Firestone emphasizes her love of yogurt, reveals what it's like to hook up with a stranger and gauges her audience's embarrassment level.
Anthony DeVito shares stories about his grandma's love life, dating a younger woman and performing on a cruise ship with Shaggy.
Julio Torres discusses veganism and the vulnerability of Daisy Duck, and reads some entries from Melania Trump's diary.
Josh Johnson discusses life as a non-alpha male, his time as a theater kid and the many perils of living alone for too long.
Sam Jay digs into the struggles of life with her new wife, reveals how she knew she was gay, and tries to understand politics and racism in America.
Joel Kim Booster talks about life as a homeschooled kid, coming out to his conservative parents and being single for the first time in eight years.
Solomon Georgio details his experiences as an immigrant in the U.S., reveals his obsession with "Harry Potter" and explains what it takes to make it onto his enemy list.
Adam Cayton-Holland discusses living the chill life in Colorado, his love of birdwatching and his memorable experience at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.
Comic Langston Kerman fondly recalls living with a white woman who believed in ghosts and explains why phone sex doesn't work in long-distance relationships.
Comic Megan Gailey describes an uncomfortable waxing experience, details the horrors of living in New York City and admits she's convinced she'll be murdered.
Devin Field acknowledges that he's uptight, names the most racist show on TV, and imagines ancient Greek theatergoers going to awful plays to support their friends
Emmy Blotnick defines a nonsense phrase she heard on "Wheel of Fortune," discovers where all pop songs come from, and professes her love for Fifth Harmony.
Comic Ryan O'Flanagan looks back on an ill-fated attempt to impress his cute neighbor and explains why his cheap rent seems so ritzy to him.
Comic Chris Garcia refuses to get rid of his snaggletooth, explains why Cubans who've left Cuba never return, and shares his mom's suggestion that he dress more like Pitbull.
Comic Tim Dillon recalls the time he tanked a job interview by being too intense and discusses how he got suckered into buying far too much frozen yogurt.
Sarah Tiana examines how her tolerance for everyday annoyances has changed as she's gotten older and explains why house music's name doesn't make sense.
