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Private Notes
Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut.
Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food.
Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."
In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.
Producers say the last season of 'Lost' will contain an unprecedented number of twists and turns for fans to endlessly debate around people who don't care at all.
In this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife's body almost weekly for ten years before finally murdering her.
Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."
Chris Lukawski, a longtime devotee of the Packers and beer, is confident his battered liver and family can handle another NFL season of unrestrained alcohol consumption.
Melissa Donley, author and cat relationship expert, visits Today NOW! with some tips for people in long term relationships with their cats.
Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or after work get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases.
The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.
The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.
Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.
Tourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director's bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their country.
Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.
After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.
Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.
Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.
Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.
The NCAA will investigate the Kentucky program for major recruiting violations including improper gifts of milk bones and rope tug toys.
Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.
Stouffers says the suicide prevention tips are available on all single serving microwavable dinners whether you enjoy veal parmigiana alone or beef stroganoff alone.
Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.
Nostalgic Sox fans will be delighted by the re-antiquated Fenway Park complete with splintered bleachers and obstructed views.
Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda; not because of his skin color.
DEA Official Stephen Lovejoy says Matt Lovejoy was found in possession of 1/8th ounce of marijuana and a glass pipe in defiance of the law and his Mother.
Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities of filthy porn we regularly consume.
In The Know panelists debate how a high quality product like the EZ-Go Juicer could be available at such a low, low price.
Movie-goers are flocking to buy advance tickets for the sequel, hoping to be among the first to see the rumored scene in which Paltrow gets brutally punched in the face.
Fresh from his Blue Grass Stakes win, Hollins moves onto the Kentucky Derby where he hopes to be the first to mercilessly beat a horse across the finish line.
Live O-SPAN coverage of the 75th annual dinner with a special awards presentation to the crew who tirelessly buffed every inch of the White House State Floor this past winter.
This spring on the Onion News Network '08 Presidential candidate and unabashed straight-shooter Joad Cressbeckler returns to tackle today's toughest issues. America's Goin' Joad.
A Hollywood insider since childhood, Barrymore finally reveals all in her new 42-page autobiographical coloring book.
Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local hardware store.
The former third party presidential candidate returns to helm 'The Cressbeckler Stance' and sound off on flannel-mouthed liars from Washington to Wall Street.
The new feature reduces Google phone users' cell phone costs while providing them with unobtrusive, personalized ads delivered in a friendly whisper.
Constitutional debate continues over whether public schools should include biblical Armageddon alongside global warming in end-of-world curriculum.
The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don't completely remember all of the details.
Jim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli's wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin' hottie.
The paper says the new personalized articles target the interests of Massachusetts residents and final three Globe readers Michael Fisher, Camille Kresge, and Buddy.
A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.
Plagued for years by swirling rumors about its sexuality, soccer has finally come out, becoming the world's first openly gay sport.
On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible.
Officials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family's stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast.
In June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which would federally equire horses to wear modesty dresses.
ONN's Terrorism Expert Omar Al-Farouq explains how Al Qaeda's love for the beloved teen vampire series prevented the death of thousands.
While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With our state-of-the-art wormhole satellites, we can now transmit Onion News Network broadcasts from the year 2137.
Susan Eckman from The National Archives comes on Today Now! to share newly discovered National Anthem verses about brutally decapitating enemies during the War of 1812.
Tech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on for hours.
In The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of control and killing rafters in canyon below.
"'Molly' and Developmental Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Ives come on Today Now! to talk about her upbringing as a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer.
Today Now! welcomes entertainment reporter Alex Blair, who has all the gossip on Jen's adorable new man.
Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134's data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty feathers".
Doing away with kid-friendly info bubbles and colorful photos, new 'TIME Advanced' will cater to adults with an interest in news.
The Panelists on In The Know discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.
Police invaded notorious meth dealer Daryl Krogen's home, seizing dozens of bicycle parts and more than ten dollars worth of stolen paint.
Author Nina Davis visits the hosts of Today Now and informs them that you don't have to diet to look slimmer, just mash your flab into a more flattering silhouette.
In this O-SPAN clip from 1963, the CIA explains that the accidental overthrow was due to "a little miscommunication" while overthrowing some nearby Central American countries.
The emergency influx of bachelors is expected to combat crisis levels of good men ready for something real.
Onion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler takes NASA to task for getting full as a tick on the hard earned money of Americans.
On Today Now!, golf expert Jordan Ritter has some Pro Tips for maintaining a steady swing while hitting the links with your mistress' husband.
