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Private Notes
Not even getting a DVD collection stolen or being temporarily booted from YouTube can stop this Cinema Snob from tearing into this so called exploitation yawner.
Some stuff was cut out of this video for time. I remember I filmed an explanation of me explaining how I got the chair back. Even though in real life it was there the whole time; I simply just got tired of sitting on the floor, and since this is the beginning of my 3rd series of episodes, I wanted the chair back. I forget what the filmed explanation was for getting the chair back, but I didn't want to cut anything else out of the video. Especially my 'nam flashback.
Also this is the first, and so far only, time in the series where I broke character to explain where my DVD collection had gone.
If the 2nd season was "The Floor Season," then Season 3 should be called "The Dark Season." This is when the lighting in my old room was changed, which made the room too fucking dark.
The swan song of Jerry Warren proves that not much had changed since the days of "Teenage Zombies."
Not a whole lot to say about a slasher film where nothing fucking happens in the first hour!
I had wanted to do this movie since the very beginning of the show. I remember seeing this movie years and years ago and at the time thinking it was the worst slasher film I had ever seen. Oddly enough, when I went back to rewatch it for the Snob video, I found myself not nearly hating it as much. But that didn't stop me from writing a scathing Snob review on it.
Ever notice that movies that feature the words "Day of the" never ever take place in only a single day?
What the hell ever happened to Edward Stazak after the two Panther movies? Maybe I should try to find out. He kicked a lot of ass in these flicks.
Who says zombies, modeling agencies, and ghost ships don't mix? Well, they don't.
I lost some computer files between the "Day of the Panther" video and this video. One of the files I lost was the the opening credit sequence file. Sure, I could just get the opening credits off of one of the older videos after transfering onto dvd, but i'm lazy. So instead I filmed this new opening credit sequence that is only used in this review. I didn't really like it all that much, so I didn't keep the file and just got rid of it. This review was the start of there being a different opening credit sequence in each review.
The Cinema Snob is left stunned, not just by the film's awfulness, but by the fact that it was even released!
Seems this one has gone on to be quite a fan favorite of all the review I've done. That is thanks largely in part to Chester Novell Turner making one of the absolute worst films ever made. In this review I made the mistake of shooting a couple outside sequences in the dark. I know it's a little hard to tell what's going on, but in case you're wondering, the second time I go outside, I'm firing a BB gun in the air out of anger.
a.k.a. "The Party at Kitty and Stud's," The Snob takes on Sylvester Stallone's most daring role ever. A freakin porn!
This is the last of the unsynced bad quality videos, I promise. Some videos just didn't survive the transfer very well.
This movie though is the classic Stallone porn. In all due sincerity, this movie really isn't all that bad. It's got a deliciously funky soundtrack, and a decent early Stallone performance. I did this video for one reason and one reason only. To get hits.The beginning of this video also features the source for that YouTube Outtake of me slipping on a park bench and fucking up my shoulder. The outtake has, of course, since disappeared thanks to youtube fucking my account, but the good news is that that was the take we used in the episode, so you can still see me slip off a bench like a jackass.
Beware of what you find in the crisper, because odds are the mold you find on your tomatoes will be more sanitary than a copy of "The Refrigerator."
This is the movie that contains that legendary line of dialogue in cinematic history: "I am the wafflemaker!"
That sticky slime seeping from your DVD player could only mean one thing. You've decided to watch "Slugs: The Movie."
One of the most fun movies of its kind, I did this video as special request to my very good friend Oliver Scott.
The Cinema Snob loves Pier Pasolini's "Salo." But at what cost?
I get asked a lot what my favorite review of the entire series is. The answer to that question is this one right here. The "Salo" video. It isn't the funniest of the whole series, and it might not have a lot of rewatchable value, but it's definitely the most stand out video of all of them I've done.
The video just started out as an experiment. What if the Snob reviewed Passolini's "Salo," one of the most controversial, perverted, and disgusting movie on the face of the planet; but as a twist, the character loves the movie because it's still a pretentious art film, even though the movie makes him physically sick.
It's the hardest video I ever had to write for the series. It's one thing writing a fake negative review for a movie I kinda like, but it's a whole other thing to write an incredibly pretentious positive review for a movie that I personally don't like. This video is my favorite, because the entire series is satirical. It makes fun of pompous arrogant movie critics who try to review exploitation films (and yes, it's also about me taking many jabs at the movies themselves). And in my mind, this review really gets that through, because in the league of artsy film criticism, the same critic who would give something like "Cannibal Holocaust" a zero star review would turn right around and give a movie like "Salo" a Best Film of the Decade award. To me, this video really nails that home, and that's why this one is my favorite.
Only a film from Chester Novell Turner's extensive 2 movie filmography could receive multiple submissions to The Cinema Snob.
After I did the "Black Devil Doll from Hell" review, I got a lot of copies in the mail of Chester Novell Turner's follow up feature, "Tales from the Quadead Zone." With that many requests and submissions, that made it a must for me to make a video of this piece of shit. I've read many articles calling Turner the worst director of all time. I don't necessarily believe this. He only made 2 films in his life, both of which are two of the worst horror films of the 80s, but the title of worst director of all time should go to someone a little more deserving, someone who made a career out of what Chester only did twice with a VHS cam. Bottom line, it needs to be a rule that someone in the running for worst director of all time has to have made equal or more movies than Coleman Francis.
"The Galaxy Invader" strikes an odd feeling of deja vu in The Cinema Snob.
I was so glad YouTube had extended their max video length from 10 minutes to 11 minutes when I did this video. It would have been hell looking for a minute's worth of footage in the review to cut out. I really liked how this video turned out. Also, I had no idea going into this movie that "Galaxy Invader" is what was used in the "Pod People" opening credit sequence. I love it when these movies throw me presents when it's not even my birthday.
The Cinema Snob enters the 3rd dimension to review the most successful 3-D film of all time. And also one of the worst.
Apparently there are several different versions of this movie that exist. I've seen DVD trailers for this movie that feature footage I most certainly did not see in the version that I reviewed. I hope to god that there isn't a version out there that is worse than the one that I watched, which is truly one of the more unwatchable movies I've reviewed for this show.
After the disastrous "Jaws: The Revenge," only one man dared to unofficially attempt to save the franchise. Bruno Mattei.
I finally cracked and did a movie from my favorite director, Bruno Mattei. Jillian kinda put me up to this one, but she was right. There was a lot of material in this movie that was perfect for a Snob video.
A "Friday the 13th" film so unlucky that not even Jason himself wanted any part of it.
This is the most mainstream I've ever gotten on this show. The "Friday the 13th" series is my favorite slasher film series, so I had to do a special Snob video to coincide with the release of the "Friday the 13th" remake (which was mediocre at best). It was a toss up between doing this one or Part VIII, and since V is my least favorite, I went with this one. I'll save VIII for when Jason strikes again.
The return of Edward Stazak as Jason Blade! Stazak never appeared in another movie again after this one. I'll review any cheesy 80's action movie that gives me a good excuse to put together a rockin montage.
The 1st in our 5 Part Pierre Kirby Retrospective starts here with "Zombie Vs. Ninja." A chopsocky comedy featuring not many zombies and only kind-of ninjas.
Pierre Kirby week all started with this review. I think it took me about a month to put the entire Pierre Kirby Week together. If you don't know who Pierre Kirby is, shame on you!! He is the unsung action hero of the 1980s! A man that ever fan of action films should know. Also, sorry about the low audio on the movie clips. I was using a different pair of headphones while editing, and it sounded fine in those. Stupid chintsy headphones.
Part 2 of our week long Pierre Kirby retrospective answers the burning question: "What the hell ever happened to Pierre Kirby?"
The Pierre Kirby movie we have all been waiting for. "Thunder of the Gigantic Serpent." Pierre Kirby and a giant freakin snake.
Looks like we're back to the multi-colored Ninjas. Meaning "Ninja of the Magnificence" is almost the same exact movie as "Full Metal Ninja" and "Zombie Vs. Ninja."
In the final entry to Pierre Kirby Week, we say our goodbyes to Mr Kirby and we see Pierre take on a role unlike his previous film roles.
Here is the video where I declare Pierre Kirby to be the Official Movie Star of The Cinema Snob. Damn right. If you have your doubts about Pierre Kirby, just check out the kick ass montage I put together for the end of this review.
The Cinema Snob gets unwillingly nailed by the worst slasher film in the history of film.
Ah yes. The movie that got me booted off of YouTube. Here's how I look at it. If I'm going to be kicked off YouTube because of a movie, it might as well be because of the absolute worst slasher film ever made. From what I understand, it was the DVD company and not the actual makers of the film that complained about the review. I might be wrong about that, but that's how I understood it. I actually have them to thank. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have gone on to make this website, which so far has generated more hits than my YouTube page did in its entire 2+ years of existence.
Before James Cameron wowed the world with “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” little did anyone know that Bruno Mattei already arrived first with the Italian “Terminator II.”
Another movie from my favorite director, Bruno Mattei. I had to do this movie, even though I personally love it. I had hinted on it in the "Jaws 5" video, plus a new Terminator movie had come out this summer, so it made sense for me to do a video for this movie, which is actually a rip off of "Aliens." Don't pay any attention to what my character says in this video. Go out and watch this movie. It's a blast.
The Snob takes some time out of moving to a new place to trash a horrible women in prison film called “Helga.”
Worst "Ilsa" rip off ever!! This is the last review I filmed in the room over at my old place. I had to hurry up and get this review written so I could film it before I was completely moved out. I consider this to be the end of the Season 3 group of episodes.
When this episode premiered on YouTube, the theme music had to be changed to the "Hill Street Blues" theme. That's because YouTube thought it would be cute to mute my video every time I tried uploading it with the Greatest american Hero Theme. By the time I did my next video on YouTube, I figured out a away to sneak in my theme through YouTube's back door, which is surpringly easier than you may think. I still love Mike Post's "Hill Street Blues" theme though.
