[5.1/10] Fun fact: this episode was supposed to be the very first episode of The Simpsons. The creative team behind the show reviewed the early results and decided to send it back to be reworked. Revisiting it all these years later, it’s not hard to see why.

Granted, my understanding is that it was held back because the animation was bad, which is the least of this episode’s problems. Sure, the designs are a lot funkier than the show would normally become, but there’s a certain charm to them. I wouldn’t want to watch the characters look like this every week, but there’s a novelty to watching them be so rough around the edges and funhouse mirror-like in their appearances and movement.

But man, this episode is boring and pretty laughless. Bart and Lisa foiling an “armed and dangerous” criminal should be more exciting this. Instead, it just jumps back and forth between some dull bit of Homer and Marge’s date night, and some not-quite-exciting-enough bit between the Simpson kids and the Babysitter Bandit.

Along the way, there’s things that feel quintessentially Simpsons, albeit in embryonic form. Homer says “D’oh.” Bart makes prank phone calls. Marge gets mad at Homer but then remembers that she loves the big lug. Lisa...likes the Happy Little Elves? Alright, not all of these things stuck.

But on the whole, there’s just not much here. The story is no great shakes. The gags are gentle and pedestrian. There’s nice voice cameos from Penny Marshall and June Foray, but otherwise this mainly feels like some cross between a much wackier, cartoonier show (with the zany babysitter attack) and a standard sitcom where mom and dad fight and make up and the munchkins have misadventures at home in their absence.

Overall, I’m glad that this was not, in fact, the show’s first episode (an honor bestowed on “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”) because I’m not sure an installment this flat and familiar would have been able to grab people’s attention and build the wit, humor, and character that would blossom over the next eight seasons.

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