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Private Notes
James "Sonny" Crockett is a Miami Vice Squad detective who has just lost his colleague, Eddie Rivera (Jimmy Smits) in a car bombing. Crockett was investigating Esteban Calderone, a Colombian drug dealer, when he meets a New York narcotics detective, Rafael Tubbs. Since they're having difficulties approaching Calderone, Crockett and Tubbs are forced to work together.
This THURSDAY THURSDAY THURSDAY! Monstrous multitudes of metal mangods drive down death in a destruction derby of derring-do.
As General George S Patton famously said in regards to Rommel's Africa campaign, "Tanks can't shoot downhill."
"We were trying to capture some gameplay to test webcam overlays for GTA Online's upcoming Heists update. Freddie was in already from filming OpenHaus with us and we decided to mess around with GTA for fun. When the footage exported, James' had no webcam, mine crashed and lost webcam and Freddie's exported perfectly with the webcam overlayed on the gameplay; joy. Also, while setting up his Xbox One, I started filming and James went off on some random unboxing bit so we just ran with it. I didn't see enough to make two videos with what little footage we had but while editing I combined the two and we got the magic that lay before you. Also, I just realized that I finally went full-YouTube and said "it really helps us out" after asking for you find folks to subscribe. Look, I was tired from working all day and had just started rendering my timeline. I watched my single take, cringed a little bit and said fuck it, you guys will understand." ~ Adam Kovic, 2015
Adam still hasn't caught on to our devious scheme: we let HIM play the race first to show us what not to do. Then we don't do everything Adam did.
It's okay Elyse. I have no idea who this Crysis guy is either. He does fly a quidditch broom better than most futuristic nano-infused killing machines, though. I'll give him that.
Eleven inches? I mean... It's just... That's gotta be like TOO much... Right? Like... it's not just about length... or girth right? It's more about... how you... uh... how... Well, this one girl, she told me that it's nice when it's not too bi- y'know what, I'm sorry, I have to be going.
This video is dedicated to legendary Micro Machines spokesman John Moschitta Jr., now available to talk real fast or something at birthday parties and mall openings all across the greater Los Angeles area.
My lover and I don't tend to get too fancy in the bedroom. We usually just stick to the typical "Lights out, half-clothed, two holes in two sheets, silent, inverted Barnswallow with subsequent whimpering under the drip of a tepid shower". You know, the classics.
When I was little I only had enough money to but those knock off toy cars at the flea market. I think they were called "Hit Wheels" or "March-box" or something. I forget. Either way, the lead paint was delicious.
When asked recently how he felt about giving up the role of Wolverine in X-Men in order to focus on Mission Impossible 2, Dougray Scott became so upset he nearly dropped the "Discount Mattresses" sign he was twirling right into a storm drain.
For all its critical praise over the course of seven seasons, Sons of Anarchy never once had the stones to devote an entire episode to delivering counterfeit documents on the back of a golf cart. We're here if you need us, FX.
If I had a time machine I'd go back to 2010 and nab the merkin contracts for Spartacus, Game of Thrones, and all these other period piece nudie cable shows. Do you have any idea how much money is in those fluffy little guys? Oh yeah, and then I'd kill baby Hitler or whatever.
Bad things happen when you do drugs, kids. One time my cousin peer-pressured me to smoke pot so I did and then I caught some ash in my throat and puked all over my comics. Learn from my mistakes.
Twice the ladies on this episode means twice the beauty, twice the smarts, twice the menstrual syncing, and for some reason, twice the Joel Schumacher talk.
Your mission Huskies, should you choose to accept it: Dress like 1920's gangsters... or 2010's Food Network hosts... fine, or Tom Cruise or whatever who cares. Then take the moonshine to th- y'know what forget it. Do whatever you want. As always, should you or any of your team be caught or killed, I'll sleep soundly tonight.
Well good. I guess I can stop looking for a film to play after Watchmen during my upcoming "CGI Wiener-Physics Movie Night".
Guy Fieri's former stylist once made the mistake of bleaching his entire goatee instead of just the middle chunk. Guy dipped him in beer-batter, tossed him in the deep fryer, and served him with "Off-da-Hook Side-Winder Chili Fries" and a side of "Wow-sabi Cream"! Love, peace, and taco grease, a-holes!
We liked liking cool things before they were cool before liking things before they were cool was cool.
"Mr. Woo, I'm sorry to disturb your uh... work... but do you really need to surgically hobble all of these doves to make them look like they're flying in slow motion? Couldn't we just slow it down in post?" John Woo closes his eyes, reluctantly setting down his scalpel. "... Are we artists, or are we whores?" "Uh... artis-" "Good. Now set up the "Ving Rhames steps in poop" scene. I'll be there in a minute."
"Speed is killing it at the box office. How about for the sequel we put them on a boat?" "You know boats go like half as fast as a bus, right?" "We could subtitle it 'Cruise Control'." "..." "..." "What happened to us?" Dune Turtle Slide - https://socialclub.rockstargames.com/games/gtav/pc/jobs/job/eHyDaRqMekymVWGV_9bQgQ#
Do we expect you to enjoy this video and share it with all your friends? No, Funhaus fans. We expect you to die... of laughter! *(snaps keyboard over knee, high-fives everyone in office, takes the rest of the day off)*
Wow! References to James Dean, Marlon Brando, AND The Rat pack?! No wonder we're crushing it with all of you millennials out there. Tune in next week when we drop sick burns on Ernest Borgnine, Robert Loggia, and the father from "Small Wonder". Rpg vs Looping Duke'death - https://socialclub.rockstargames.com/games/gtav/pc/jobs/job/OFrlOg12JEeVjGsnq_kTQQ#
So far it looks like James' vast criminal empire consists of 6 golf carts, 3 port-a-potties, 2 under-stocked soda machines, and a mobile HQ that never goes anywhere. Wait! Is that a flying motorcycle?! Never mind. It somehow sucks too.
Transcript from the unconditional surrender of German forces, Berlin, 1945: AMERICA: "Now Germany, do you promise never to try and take over the world again?" GERMANY: (sheepishly) "Yeeesss. Ve are sorry." AMERICA: "Well, that's what you said last time too." GERMANY: "No no! Ve really mean it zis time. Ve promise." AMERICA: "Alright then. Off to bed with you." GERMANY: "Em... vat are you going to do vis zose atomic bombs?" AMERICA: "We'll think of something. Don't forget to brush your teeth."
"Heeey Zack, it's Billy again. Not sure why you haven't called me back yet. I've left like... I don't know... one, two, eight, twel- a lot of messages. Guess you're pretty busy. Uuuumm hope you're doing well and that everything is cool. Yup. Cool, cool, cool. Anyway... about my dick size in the fi-(beeeeeeeeeeeep)."
So, wait. You DON'T have to get your stomach pumped when that happens? Sweet. You guys just saved me a trip to the hospital.
"The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'Save us!'... and I'll whisper 'no'." "...Uuuh, right. Look, Mr. Moore, that's great and all but I'm kind of in the weeds here. Was that gonna be soup, salad, or fries with your grilled cheese?"
You came for some good ol' fashioned Grand Theft Auto? Sorry, buckeroo. It's time you got a proper education on the anatomy of the human female. Lucky for you, there are three trained professionals here to take you on a journey.
"Psychological impotence is where erection or penetration fails due to thoughts or feelings (psychological reasons) rather than physical impossibility; this is somewhat less frequent but can often be helped. Notably, in psychological impotence, there is a strong response to placebo treatment. Erectile dysfunction can have severe psychological consequences as it can be tied to relationship difficulties and masculine self-image."
I was having a real fun time with this description until I looked up Benson Willems on Twitter and discovered that I have less of an online presence than a eunuch with no thumbs, crippling anxiety, and Lupus.
According to an article I just made up, sixty-eight percent of women don't even mind dating a man with E.D. I myself have done just fine over the years using a precise system of focused, intensive foreplay and apologies.
What. Is. MEGAROUND? Why has it come here? What does it want from us? Who cowers in its presence? What does it have to do with Funhaus, ducks, and that jacked dog from Tiny Toons? The answer may shock you!!!* *answer will not shock you. Thumbnail from: >https://www.reddit.com/r/funhaus/comments/6r37af/i_liked_the_idea_so_much_that_i_make_my_version/
Why even make a comic book adaptation of the League of Extraordinary Gentleman movie if you're not gonna respect the source material. Where's Tom Sawyer? Where's the 6-wheeled LXG-Mobile. Get your sh*t together, Alan Moore.
I'm so proud of us. We made it through an entire Owen Wilson themed GTA gameplay and never once mentioned his botched suicide attempt. ... Dang it!
Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. No. Wait. Hospital... No! Doctor. Says he's sad. Depressed! Yes. Depressed better. Where was I? Oh. Life seems harsh, and cruel. Guy says this. Not Doctor. Says he feels all alone in threatening world. Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown-"... wait. What was name? "P" something. Was French. Italian maybe. No! Stay! Will remember! Pagliacci! That's it. "Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. "But doctor..." he says... he says... Shoot. Hold on. Let me start over.
When Venus sends its Gas-hounds, they're not sending their best. They're not sending you. They're not sending you. They're sending Storm-whores that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing retrograde rotation. They're bringing clouds of sulfuric acid. They're CO2 suckers. And some, I assume, are good people.
"...Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold... that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle. And so I was wrong. Now dry your eyes... and make out with five of me while I build some stuff over here." "But Jon. What about Ea-" "Oh right! Earth! Yes. Let's save Earth! But then it's battery-finger time!"
This weekend I willed myself out of bed long enough to microwave a frozen burrito before crawling back under the covers and pleasuring myself to an episode of Designing Women. Where's my million dollars?
An omnipotent, jacked, purple space-god is attempting to take over the universe! Fear not, true believers! We have an absentee dad who shoots arrows good, a spayed ballet karate lady, a guy who can swim, and fop with an umbrella. Uuuh... assemble?
"Hey, Honey. Sorry I missed dinner, but I just made a bundle selling video of that warehouse fire to a bunch of reporters!" "That's great, Don! We could really use the mo- wait. Why do you smell like kerosene?" "No reason. I'm gonna shower up. Be a dove and bury these clothes, will you?"
Can you guys do me a favor and write in the comments if you actually cheer during those #@&%ing Stan Lee cameos. It will save me the trouble of having to learn to hate you over time.
I imagine one of the toughest parts about being a parent is deciding when to talk to your kids about drugs. My folks dodged that bullet by hot-boxing with us riding in the back of our station wagon from birth. Roll down the windows? What, you want to air-condition the whole neighborhood?
To those of you out there who are really getting a kick out of the "John Steed" bit, please get off of the computer. The rest of the nursing home residents have been waiting very patiently for their turn. Besides, it's time for your pills.
Jennifer Love Hewitt or Sarah Michelle Gellar? If I had spent half as much time studying in the 90's as I did internally debating this question, it would be Dr. Bones PhD sitting here staring at poorly photo-shopped fake nudes of aging actresses for the rest of the day.
Thanks a lot, Bruce. Now every time I think of Scarlett Johansson while I... relax, all I can picture is you cosplaying as a burly, tatted, BDSM mental patient. Wait... I can make this work.
I've always hated playing golf. I don't know if it's all the equipment you have to buy, the trudging around in the hot sun, or the memory of my mom beating me nightly with a VHS copy of "Tin Cup".
"Namor gives off a sense of charisma which most women tend to find captivating. Many of the ladies that have entered his life made clear their attraction to his masculine, slightly alien personality in ways both subtle and blatant. He reacts to such advances with gratitude tinged with a slight distance born of monarchical etiquette." - Some adult man on Wikipedia whose stepdad keeps tearing down his Namor posters.
This is my description. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My description is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my description is useless. Without my description, I am useless. I must write my description true. I must write funnier than Jacob, who is trying to replace me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my description and myself are defenders of Funhaus. So be it, until there is no internet. Amen.
"Hey there lady I just met! Wanna bang in that coffin-sized room that smells like piss and the Cinnabon farts of 200 angry strangers? If we hurry we can get in there before that obese Amway salesman has to throw up again and-" "Ssshhh... you had me at 'Cinnabon farts'." And so, The Mile High Club was born.
Watching "Wild Wild West" was without a doubt the least amount of fun I've ever had accidentally seeing Will Smith's scrotum.
"Spin it lets begin it Bare and grin it when you're in it You can win it in a minute When you spin it spin it spin it. Hahahaha So spin it!"
Since I found out I'm going to be a dad I've been trying to get in better shape. I started doing Insanity a few day ago, and with a little luck by the time the baby's born I might actually have smaller cans than my wife.
"In some deep-sea Anglerfish species, like the Needlebeard Seadevil, the tiny male bites into the female, who is often 10 times his size, and soon begins to disintegrate, melting and fusing into her until he’s nothing but testes—a sperm supply she’ll use to fertilize her eggs." I'm sorry. Are they talking about deep sea reproductive biology... or my marriage? Aaaaaaghahahahahahahahahahahaha! *(stabs self in eye with flat-head screwdriver, drinks gallon of bleach)*
Seriously, guys. No matter how much he asks, DO NOT play "Never Have I Ever" with Jacob. Oh God... the things he's done. All those innocent people. And... I mean... Jesus, how many bodies do you need to make a decent skin-suit anyway?
Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase 5 Slate of Films: Avengers: Age of Mojo Speedball: Homecoming Thor: But That One Alien That Kind of Looks Like a Horse Fin Fang Foom: Vol. 2 Black Widow Origins: 94 Minutes of Unedited Hysterectomy Footage
Foot play in the bedroom? No thank you! The last thing I need is one more body part's underwhelming performance to apologize for.
What's the name of that version of "Tag" you play as a kid where you ask the other guys if they wanna look at your Garbage Pail Kids cards and then they laugh and slam you into the tether-ball pole and steal your Garbage Pail Kids cards and then run away and you have to chase them but you're too out of breath to catch up before they throw your Garbage Pail Kids cards down the storm drain and your mom has to come and pick you up from school early because you won't stop crying?
"Mr. Cameron, the studio is really on us about giving the audience something new in the Avatar sequels." "S***. Wait. Okay, so there's this stuff called uh... Impossiblonium Oxide and it only exists in... uh... under this... You know what? Come back in an hour." (snorts line of ground narwhal horn, strikes christ pose, falls backwards into sensory deprivation tank full of braided ponytails) Battlegrounds(PUBG) - https://socialclub.rockstargames.com/games/gtav/pc/jobs/job/c1vLUGzNJE29ZSP2X2FlTg#
Man, 90's comic art was the best. All that long, beautiful, flowing hair. Those tiny waists and delicate legs meandering down to perfectly petite feet. And I guess the women were drawn pretty good too. Zing! *(dances The Charleston, dodges tomato, gets dragged out of bungalow by giant cane)*
"Spookums! Why are you still in bed? Aren't you supposed to out there stalking and murdering people?" "Don't wanna!" "Why not? Are those mean Funhaus kids giving you a hard time again?" "... No" "Spookums?" "... Maybe." "Spookums, you get out of that bed this minute and go murder those boys like you promised!" "Ugh. Jeepers. Fine whatever!" "That's my brave boy. Don't forget your back brace and inhaler."
This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I had real difficulty conceiving with my wife. I tried every trick but nothing seemed to work. Happily, once I poked holes in all the condoms and switched out her birth control with some of those mini Altoids, it took no time at all.
Did anyone else notice that in Justice League, Superman's chest hair was sculpted to look like we was wearing a little fur bikini? Really? No one? No one else paid good money to go see that movie like six times just to get a good long look at those sweet hairy pecs? Yeah, me neither. What's a Justice League?
Maybe in addition to all those cute little creatures, the Fantastic Beasts game can help me find my interest in that franchise. I seemed to have misplaced it about seven years ago. Daaaaaammmnnn! Take that, billionaires who've introduced an entire generation to the joys of the written word! BMX Always on Top - https://socialclub.rockstargames.com/games/gtav/pc/jobs/job/AVn6Z163_0uDUcwhVW1LOw#
Alright, let me just bring out the big board here. Okay... which one of you kids had your money on "Lazy Latino Batman" in the Funhaus Culturally Insensitive Character Pool?
I've been involuntarily celibate for over two years now. It's called marriage! Aghahahahahahahaha! Get it? It's funny because I've legally bound myself to the wrong person and I'm choked with bitterness and remorse!
Go to http://www.thebatman.com/tickets to see The Batman in theaters. The only difference between the the crypto and the tulip bubble of the 1600s is that I'm pretty sure if I asked nice enough I could buy something with a handful of tulips. Follow Us On Social: https://twitter.com/jameswillems https://twitter.com/_JacobFullerton https://twitter.com/linzbot_ https://twitter.com/handsomemaster2 Tshirts n stuff: https://store.roosterteeth.com/collections/funhaus Welcome to Funhaus, the internet's ONLY comedy, gaming, and variety channel since 2015! About Funhaus GTA Gameplays: I guess gameplay is a bit of a stretch. But if you like angry debates over random movies and TV, you are in for a treat. Join FIRST to watch episodes early: http://bit.ly/2uNNz0O
Go to http://betterhelp.com/funhausgta to get 10% off your first month! The key to financial security is diversification. That's why I split all my assets between Ethereum, Camel Cash, Chucky Cheese Tokens, and those smashed pennies you get at Knott's Berry Farm. Follow Us On Social: https://twitter.com/jameswillems https://twitter.com/_JacobFullerton https://twitter.com/linzbot_ https://twitter.com/handsomemaster2 Tshirts n stuff: https://store.roosterteeth.com/collections/funhaus Welcome to Funhaus, the internet's ONLY comedy, gaming, and variety channel since 2015! About Funhaus GTA Gameplays: I guess gameplay is a bit of a stretch. But if you like angry debates over random movies and TV, you are in for a treat. Join FIRST to watch episodes early: http://bit.ly/2uNNz0O
So which wave of feminism will be the one that finally tells these girls to crack us a little smile?
