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Private Notes
An opposition own goal scored six minutes into stoppage time in the last game of the season, keeps Brainsford up! Warren is over the moon until he realises that the first pre-season friendly won’t be for six whole weeks. Dillip tries to help by taking Warren to the cricket. It doesn’t work. Reggie tries to divert him but Warren is unswayed. Finally, Ingrid organises some drastic help. Will Warren finally get a result?
There's a big cup match for Brainsford United coming up and Warren is beside himself with excitement. They’ve signed a new striker called Ronaldinho, there’s even have a cheerleader initiative and it might be sunny. Warren persuades Ingrid and Harrison to join him in painting their faces in the team colours: "Everyone else is doing it." Except they aren’t. The Meringues are 5-0 down at half-time; it starts to rain; then the cheerleader pyramid collapses. Its OK though, they'll just wash off the face paint. Except Warren has used indelible enamel paint. Once a Meringue always a Meringue - unless perhaps like Ingrid and Harrison you would prefer not to be.
Harrison is chosen to be the mascot at the next Brainsford home game. Warren is ecstatic. The rest of the world less so. When Dave Worsely, Mr Kitchen Madness himself, summons Warren to his office to tell him that he wants his son to take Harrison’s place. Warren won’t sell out, will he? Even for the money he needs for a cataract operation for his Mum ? What will he do when all his plans take a huge setback?
"There is Only One Warren Kingsley ". Or is there? When the Luxor brothers mistakenly spend £50m on a new striker you would think Warren would be happy. Not only is he good-looking and a model citizen but he can actually play. The only problem is that his name is Warren Kingsley – the very same as our story's hero. Warren’s dreams of running onto the pitch as the crowd sing "There’s only one Warren Kingsley" are suddenly just that - dreams. As he so simply puts it, "I was unique. And now I’m two-nique". Meanwhile, Mum seems to be acting strangely. Can things get any worse?
After a run of bad results Brainsford lose their shirt sponsor and may have to sell players. Warren is devastated, but after a conversation with Dilip, he has a brainwave. He suggests a sponsorship deal to his boss at Kitchen Madness, involving replacing the locker of every player with a replica 1960s kitchen and the tunnel to the pitch being covered in a granite work-top from the 1970s range. Can better kitchen fittings prepare a win for the Meringues? Or has Warren set in motion Brainsford's biggest disaster?
Brainsford’s arch rivals, Rovers, have just been taken over by billionaire Middle Eastern owners who plan to buy the whole Brazil team and, if it isn’t available, the Argentina one. Warren is in despair. He hates the Rovers’ new owners. In fact, Warren hates all billionaire owners, unless they buy Brainsford. All he wants is for the Meringues to buy some new players and win something - anything. Anyone can understand that, right? Wrong. Warren soon finds himself in trouble with the police.
