Dann Michalski

Happy Life Day. Worse than you could ever imagine, The Star Wars Holiday Special lives up to its reputation. Unbearable to watch, it’s just amazing how atrocious Star Wars can be in the wrong hands.

Kevin McCallister turns into Damien in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. No longer content with stirring-up mischief at home, Kevin goes to New York City to terrorize a 5 star hotel; and when that doesn’t satisfy him, he tracks down the Wet Bandits and flat out attempts to murder them. The film tries to pass off the same shtick in a new setting, but it doesn’t work. All of the innocence and charm that the first film had is gone now that Kevin is seeking out trouble, and he appears not to have learned any lessons from losing his family the first time. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is violent, humorless schlock tied in a bow.

Resident Evil: Retribution is an atrociously awful piece of garbage that even zombies would find unwatchable. There really is no plot to speak of; instead it plays out as a first-person shooter video game. And the acting is god-awful...in facts it’s even worse than that. The series is completely bereft of ideas, and is running completely on empty. Offensive in how little effort it puts forth, there’s nothing engaging or thrilling about the action or the characters in Resident Evil: Retribution.

A bizarre mystery thriller (maybe?), Paradise Hills is an incoherent mess. The story follows a group of young women who are sent to a therapy resort but soon become suspicious of the “therapy” and begin to plan an escape. Featuring Emma Roberts, Eiza González, and Milla Jovovich, the cast isn’t too bad; though their performances are a bit wanting. And the plot is hard to follow, setting itself in a dystopian future or alternate reality, mixing sci-fi and fantasy. Still, the set and costume designs are rather interesting and makes for a number of visually stunning scenes. Somewhere in all of this there’s a message about conformity and power structures, but it’s muddled. Paradise Hills is just a poorly made film that puts too much emphasis on artistic style and not enough on storytelling.

Fun with Dick and Jane is a subpar comedy that tries to be clever but falls flat. After getting promoted to Vice President and setup as the fall guy for his company’s imminent collapse, Dick Harper finds himself unemployable and resorts to a life of crime, along with his wife, to stop from losing their house. Starring Jim Carrey, Téa Leoni, Alec Baldwin, and Richard Jenkins, the film has a strong cast, but their performances are pretty weak (particularly Carrey who plays up the slap-stick to the extreme). However the script doesn’t help any, as the characters are all written as broad caricatures and the political commentary couldn’t be more heavy-handed. Still, some of the jokes work and the soundtrack does a good job at complimenting the tone of the film. Yet while it has its entertaining moments, Fun with Dick and Jane is a convoluted mess.

Season 5 of Dexter was referred to as a “re-imaging of the series,” and it succeeds brilliantly at this. A character drama at heart, this season does an incredible job at developing the main characters and giving them compelling story arcs. In the wake of Season 4’s shocking finale Dexter finds himself broken and lost, and attempts to find redemption in helping a traumatized rape victim track down and exact revenge against the rape gang that abducted and brutalized her; meanwhile Det. Quinn starts to suspect that Dexter is dirty and hires a P.I. to investigate him. The serial storytelling is especially well-done, as the stories move fluidly from episode to episode; staying remarkably coherent and organic. And the guest stars this season, Julia Stiles, Peter Weller, and Jonny Lee Miller, deliver extraordinary performances. Dexter has come a long way, and this new re-imaging in Season 5 makes for an exciting time for the series.

“You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into …The Twilight Zone.” Having proven itself, The Twilight Zone delivers even more incredible sci-fi and fantasy stories in its second season. Featuring such classic episodes as “The Howling Man,” “Nick of Time,” “Eye of the Beholder,” “The Odyssey of Flight 33,” and “The Obsolete Man,” Season 2 is especially strong, with a clear focus on the themes of the series. Additionally, there are some format changes; including Rod Serling coming out in front of the camera for his introductions, and an experiment with shooting on video as a cost cutting measure. Yet the show still maintains an impressive list of guest stars, such as William Shatner, Art Carney, Burgess Meredith, and Cliff Robertson. Taking the series deeper into the realms of the fantastical, The Twilight Zone: Season 2 is extraordinarily thought-provoking and compelling.

Max is off to the country in The Secret Life of Pets 2, a fun animated family film. When Max’s owner and her husband go to visit their uncle’s farm Max meets a sheepdog named Rooster who shows him the ropes of farm life; meanwhile Gidget loses Max’s favorite toy and has to infiltrate an apartment full of cats to get it back. Featuring the voice talents of Patton Oswalt, Harrison Ford, Kevin Hart, Dana Carvey, Ellie Kemper, and Jenny Slate, the film has a solid cast that delivers great performances. And the animation is especially good; with bright, crisp colors. Also, the humor is incredibly funny and does a great job at satirizing the eccentricities of pets and the human-pet relationship. Clever and entertaining, The Secret Life of Pets 2 is a comedy that all ages can enjoy.

Resistance is futile as Jeri Ryan sexes up Star Trek: Voyager in its fourth season. The Borg take center stage as Voyage finally enters Borg space and gains a Borg crewmember, Seven of Nine. Seven proves to be the missing ingredient that the show needed to take off, as the character exponentially improves the quality of the storytelling. She fills the Spock/Data role of the outsider commenting on humanity. And, Seven’s interactions with Capt. Janeway and the Doctor make for some of the strongest character dynamics of the show. Additionally, the series finally finds a compelling villain in the form of the Hirogen; who are reminiscent of the Klingons. This new energy is also reflected in some incredibly ambitious episodes, such as “Year of Hell,” “The Killing Game,” “Living Witness,” and “One.” Plus, the season is able to gather some impressive guest stars; including Kurtwood Smith, Tony Todd, Virginia Madsen, and Ray Wise. Season 4 of Star Trek: Voyager re-launches the series and finally makes it worth watching.

A confounding maze of garbage, The Matrix Reloaded is full of bad code. Taking the series in a completely new direction, the story picks up with Zion, the last human city, preparing for a massive assault by the machine army: meanwhile Morpheus carries out a daring mission within the Matrix to end the war by getting Neo into the Source. The writing is rather weak, with cryptic, nonsensical dialog that sounds extremely pretentious. And the CGI is incredibly bad, looking more like video game graphics. The fight choreography is also remarkably poor and fake looking; as it’s over reliant on the conceit that the laws of physicals can be bent within the Matrix. Still, the slick visual style is extraordinarily impressive and is incredibly imaginative. While there are a lot of interesting things going on in The Matrix Reloaded, it’s just too out-of-control to really enjoy.

Based on actual events, K-19: The Widowmaker is an intense and suspenseful military thriller. The story follows the maiden voyage of a Soviet nuclear submarine, but during its sea trials it suffers a critical reactor failure. Starring Harrison Ford, Liam Neeson, and Peter Sarsgaard, the film has a solid cast. And, director Kathryn Bigelow does an impressive job at building tension and giving a visceral feel to submarine life. Additionally, composer Klaus Badelt delivers an extraordinary score that brilliantly compliments the film. Remarkably well-crafted, K-19: The Widowmaker is a compelling drama about a fascinating piece of history.

Bushwick is a gritty and intense apocalyptic thriller. A college girl who’s coming home to see her grandmother teams up with a stranger in order to navigate the streets of Brooklyn when civil war breaks out and a paramilitary group attempts to seize control of the city. Brittney Snow and Dave Bautista both give fairly strong performances, however, the writing is a little weak; the plot in particular is rather hard to follow at times. Still, the fights and chases are suspenseful and exciting, and are heightened by the atmospheric directing style. It’s a little underdeveloped, but overall Bushwick is a solid action film.

What the F*CK was that! The WWE royally screws up the Leprechaun series with the reboot Leprechaun: Origins. Going for a creature feature vibe, the Leprechaun is re-envisioned as a primordial animal that feeds off of human flesh. The plot involves a group of college students who are sent off the beaten path by a local miner to see some ancient Celtic ruins, but it turns out to be a trap intent on sacrificing them to a leprechaun. It's an incredibly generic storyline, and is full of all the usual horror movie cliches. Plus, the characters really aren't that interesting, and neither is the Leprechaun. Leprechaun: Origins is just senseless violence and gore without much suspense ('cause it's very predictable).

And now the story of a brilliant television series that was cancelled, and the one network that resurrected it and turned it into festering garbage. The atrociousness of Arrested Development’s fourth season may not be Netflix’s fault entirely, but the carte blanche that they gave the show’s producers allowed them to run it off the rails. The premise of the show is changed, and it’s turned into more of an anthology series; focusing on a different Bluth family member each episode. The characters have also been changed and rewritten to fit the new tone of the series; causing them to lose a lot of their charm. Still, Season 4 does do a good job at bringing back and using the supporting characters from past seasons. And, the comedy stays true to the clever, unique style of the series. Yet while there are some bright spots, this deformed version of Arrested Development is hard to watch. Season 4 was a huge mistake.

Incredibly touching and powerful, Won’t You Be My Neighbor? is a wonderful documentary about children’s performer Fred Rogers. The film looks at how a young aspiring minister named Fred Rogers got into the burgeoning industry of children’s television and created one of the most influential programs of his day. Friends, family, cast members, and industry experts discuss Roger’s unique approach to educating and entertaining children and the positive messaging of his work (emphasizing each child’s specialness and self-worth). Also discussed are his bold attempts to address and relieve the tensions and anxieties that children had about political events happening around them, including the Vietnam War, racial tensions, and 9/11, in terms that they would understand. Won’t You Be My Neighbor? is a loving testament to the work and legacy of Mr. Rogers.

The sequel that no one asked for, Inside Man: Most Wanted is a mediocre straight-to-video thriller. What at first appears to be a copycat robbery of the infamous Dalton Russell heist turns out to be something more, leading FBI negotiator Brynn Stewart to take greater risks to bring the crisis to an end. The film goes to great lengths to make connections to the original, but it’s all extremely contrived. Obviously none of the original cast returns, and no one from the new cast is that impressive or has much screen presence. Additionally, there’s not that much intrigue or suspense to the heist. Inside Man: Most Wanted is an uninspired and generic crime film, and an unworthy successor to the original.

In an attempt to bring new life to the series Scream gets a reboot in Season 3 (or Resurrection), and it doesn’t work. The story follows 5 high school students who are stalked by a mysterious killer at Halloween. The cast is weak and give rather poor performances playing blatant stereotypes; the jock, the brain, the activist, etc. Also, the writing isn’t very good; especially when it tries to do the meta, post-modern deconstruction riffs that the films did so well. And, aside from the Ghostface mask, there are no connections to the films, or to the previous seasons of the television series for that matter. Incredibly disappointing, Season 3 of Scream killed the franchise rather than revive it (being dumped by both MTV and The Weinstein Company).

Extremely crude and vulgar, Office Christmas Party is completely lacking in the spirit of the season. In a last ditch effort to save his branch from being closed by his sister, Clay Vanstone attempts to land a major client by throwing a wild Christmas party. Jason Bateman, Olivia Munn, T. J. Miller, Kate McKinnon, and Jennifer Aniston lead the film’s all-star cast; but none of the characters are all that interesting or likable. And the comedy is mostly made up of crude sexual and gross out humor. Additionally, whatever message about corporate culture that the film might be trying to make is lost. Office Christmas Party is an incredibly ugly and pointless comedy that hardly delivers any laughs.

Though it may be stretching for material, Paranormal Activity 3 delivers another terrifying installment of the series. Going back to the beginning, the story follows Katie and Kristi as children when they first encountered supernatural forces. Surprisingly, the found footage conceit is worked in in a rather clever way. And, the sets and costumes do an excellent job at creating an authentic ‘80s look and feel. Even in its third installment the series remains intense and suspenseful. Paranormal Activity 3 completes a brilliantly crafted story that has been full of terrors and thrills.

Elijah Wood stars in the brutal slasher film Maniac, a daring and imaginative remake of the 1980 cult classic. The story follows a serial killer who stalks young women and scalps them. Taking a unique approach, the film is shot almost entirely through first person perspective, forcing the audience to see through the killer’s eyes. And, this is quite effective at creating a visceral experience. Yet something is lost by limiting the focus to first person, and at times it becomes a bit distracting. Also, the characters are thinly drawn and exist only to be killed. Maniac is problematic, but there’s something to be said about the bold and provocative filmmaking style.

In the hands of director Joel Schumacher the Batman series takes a massively wrong turn. Batman Forever is a semi-reboot that steers Batman into a more campy and lighthearted direction, and away from the dark, gothic vision of Tim Burton. After being spurned by the Wayne Corporation, Edward Nygma becomes the supervillain Riddler and teams up with Two-Face to take out Batman. The roles of Batman and Harvey Dent have been recast, and Gotham has been redesigned (for the worse). Tommy Lee Jones as Harvey Dent/Two-Face is given little to work with, and Jim Carrey hams it up as the Riddler. But the worst piece of casting is Val Kilmer as Batman. With Batman Forever the series sacrifices quality for stunt casting and becomes cartoonishly ridiculous.

Talk about f***ing up a classic, Black Christmas is a disgrace that’s unfit to bear the name. In this reboot the residents of a sorority house, which has a bloody history, are killed off one by one during a severe snow storm. There’s no real mystery or intrigue to the plot, just senseless violence and killing. And while the cast is first rate (Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert), they’re completely wasted playing bland, stereotypical characters. Additionally, the violence is extremely gruesome and lacks any subtlety. Sadistic garbage, Black Christmas is an ugly and vulgar film.

The long awaited sequel to Tim Burton’s bold re-imagining of Lewis Carroll’s classic, Alice Through the Looking Glass is a convoluted mess...albeit a beautiful looking one. Having virtually nothing to do with the book, Alice returns to Wonderland and must travel back in time in order to save the Mad Hatter’s family, but Time follows suit and attempts to stop her. The plot is extremely contrived and makes absolutely no sense. And the characters feel quite different from the last film, and are far less compelling. Still credit has to be given to Danny Elfman for his incredible score and the art and effects departments for their extraordinarily creative designs. Yet while Alice Through the Looking Glass is full of exciting action and is a visual marvel, the story is garbage.

Det. Alex Cross is drawn into a battle of wits with a master criminal in Along Came a Spider. After the kidnapping of a congressman’s daughter the kidnapper contacts D.C. police detective Alex Cross, seeking to put Cross’s skills to the test. Starring Morgan Freeman, Monica Potter, Michael Wincott, and Mika Boorem, the casting is quite strong and they deliver some good performances. The writing is also well-done and effectively builds suspense and tension as the investigation unfolds. Additionally, there are some clever twists and reveals that enrich the story. An exciting and compelling thriller, Along Came a Spider is an impressive entry in the Alex Cross series.

“Remember, remember the 5th of November...” Based on the Alan Moore graphic novel, V for Vendetta is a controversial science fiction thriller. In a dystopian future Britain has become a totalitarian dictatorship, but a mysterious anarchist dressed in a Guy Fawkes mask calls upon the citizenry to rebel, and plans to blowup Parliament. Featuring Hugo Weaving, Natalie Portman, and John Hurt, the casting’s pretty strong (though it’s Weaving’s performance that carries the film). The dialog is especially well-written, and has a very fluid, lyrical quality to it. Additionally, the action sequences are intense and exciting; with some impressive uses of special effects. However, the left-wing politics are too extreme, and end up hurting the effectiveness of the allegorical and satirical aspects of the film. Yet despite its flaws, V for Vendetta is a provocative and well-crafted film that delivers an impassioned and powerful tale that continues to resonate with audiences.

From director Brian De Palma comes the noir thriller The Black Dahlia. Based on a novel, the story follows a pair of police detectives that are assigned to one of the notorious Black Dahlia murders of the 1940s, but the investigation uncovers their own dark secrets and starts to tear them apart. The cast is quite impressive, and includes Josh Hartnett, Aaron Eckhart, Scarlett Johansson, and Mia Kirshner. But the story is convoluted and overly complicated, full of needless twists and reveals. Additionally, the noir tone doesn’t really work, as De Palma puts style before substance. The Black Dahlia is an overly stylized and disjointed film that lacks focus.

Mary Shelley would roll over in her grave if she saw the travesty that’s been done with her character in I, Frankenstein. A demon named Naberius seeks to learn the secret to reanimating the dead by capturing the Frankenstein Monster so that he can resurrect a demonic army. The plot is pretty stupid and doesn’t use the Frankenstein story very well. And, the performances by Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, and Yvonne Strahovski are terrible. I, Frankenstein is an awful piece of garbage that bastardizes one of the greatest tales of horror in English literature.

Halloween is yet another reboot, revival, whatever, that once again fails to recapture the thrill and horror of the original. Forty years after his killing spree Michael Myers escapes while being transferred to a new facility and Laurie Strode, one of the original survivors, attempts to hunt him down. Unfortunately Jamie Lee Curtis doesn’t have the magic touch this time (like in H2O) and brings nothing new or interesting to the series. In fact, it’s rather sad what’s done to the Laurie Strode character. And, the film doesn’t really gain much by wiping out all of the previous sequels from continuity: Michael Myers gets a little bit of his mystique back and the brutality of his killings make him someone to be feared once again. But the plot is pretty lame and the characters aren’t all that compelling (or even likable). Halloween is a lackluster sequel that couldn’t even come up with a new title, let alone a good story.

John Carpenter’s horror classic Halloween is re-envisioned by Rob Zombie as an ugly and grotesque slasher film. The story follows the formation of Michael Myers into a psychopathic killer during his childhood, and the killing spree that follows years later when he escapes from the insane asylum. Unfortunately, nearly all of the characters are unsympathetic and instantly dislikable; making it extremely hard to become engaged in the film. And, Zombie’s gratuitous and exploitative directing style is too brutal and vulgar to enjoy. Completely lacking in suspense, this Halloween remake is a distasteful mess.