Martin Sestrimski

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Omicron Persei 8
22

French Kiss

My mother recommended we see this film after mistakingly having thought that she had seen it. What a shame as I wasted near 2 hours of my time suffering through the piece of crap "French Kiss" is.

There's nothing particularly horrible "French Kiss" does, which makes it worse in a way. Basically every idea it has is so superficial and executed so weakly that it makes for a film that is silly in the worst possible manner. It spends most of its runtime on horridly cheesy slapstick comedy before trying to be deeper at the end because love or something. I'll admit, it was moderately entertaining for its first quarter or third, then it was just stupid. None of the performances do much for me as there is simply nothing they can do. The characters are one-dimensional, even the leads border on that. An absolute disaster for a romantic film as you are supposed to care about the people in the romance - what a novel concept.

The French fantasy. Yes, "French Kiss" pulls off some subconscious, almost dreamlike idea of what France is. And I don't mean dreamlike in the sense of wonder, more as in a claustrophobic maze which feels wrong while watching, then leaves with you a kind of existential dread after. France is presented as this exotic country, to the point it seems to be more of a love island with a bunch of quirks suited to couples than one of the most famous nations in the world. Look, I'm all for romanticism, especially in a romantic film, but this must have been written by a grandma with the worldview of a 10-year-old. The vaguest ideas of French culture - cheese, Eiffel Tower, accents, and that particular kind of overtly sentimental music I have a hard time swallowing (though I won't hold it as criticism, but it does only serve the issues in tone) - this is what "French Kiss" gives. Great job, you really made my body turn inside out. Thank God I don't have anyone to kiss right now as I'd just vomit in their mouth. Probably more memorable than this picture.

"French Kiss" is genuinely an awful movie, I did not enjoy seeing it. I will repeat again that it did not start off so bad, but it just kept getting worse to the point where it felt like a piece of soft erotica that eventually ended up being used as waste cleanser. Watch this is if you want your average romcom that requires you to have as few neurons active as possible during its runtime. It seems others have found something to appreciate here. I hardly did. French Kiss? More like French Piss, lmaooooo.

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