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Private Notes
Tom and Linda dream up their ideal New Year's parties, but end up just sitting indoors, watching television and playing charades.
A short sketch for Comic Relief, Tom and Linda open up a kissing booth in a church, featuring Anna Nolan as a nun.
There's a man in the flat – looking very fetching in just his stylish underwear – but neither Linda nor Tom can remember picking him up at the nightclub.
Tom believes he's got the break he's been waiting for when he has an audition to play a hooligan in a TV Crimewatch reconstruction, while Linda receives a declaration of love from a secret admirer, who she assumes to be her happily married neighbour Jez. She tries (one of many times) to attract his attention with her classy bright green PVC catsuit while he insults his wife Suze by yelling ""shutup you rake!""
Tom has broken his leg (which prevented him attending a Crimewatch UK audition) and requires the attentions of a home help – a suicidal, self-pitying man called Shirley (Morgan Jones). Linda loses her job as a receptionist at Fast Track but is cheered up when she scores with motorcycle courier Joe (Adrian Bower), until she discovers he is religious.
Linda's slapper of a sister Sugar comes to stay, which leads to outbursts of sibling rivalry and bitterness from Linda... Until it emerges that Sugar has links to the stars, including Liam Gallagher's phone number!
Tom is worried that he's getting old and boring, so goes out on the pull, clubbing. Linda stays in and tries to chat up Jez, calling upon her knowledge of black heritage to help her. Or not. Tom ends up with an Italian stud, or so he thinks.
Linda is jealous when Tom starts spending time with another woman, even more so when he announces he is going to marry her. The wedding ends up being a sham, but Linda is offered the job of a lifetime. With a fab dream sequence where they appear on the Terry Clinger show.
Tom decides to become a drama teacher, setting up a school in their flat. For his first lesson he manages to convince Linda's sister Sugar to learn from his wisdom. Jez and Suze have a new addition to their family, a life-size baby doll which is irresponsibly left in the care of Linda.
Linda and Tom are shocked to find a coffin in their living room, even more so when they realise that their landlady Beryl is inside. They start worrying that they'll be homeless and thrown out on the street… until a gorgeous bloke named Pedro turns up.
Tom brings a cat home in the hope of training it to work in television, making them stars. Meanwhile Linda starts writing to a serial killer in prison, and when he turns up on her doorstep they plan to run away together… but then he falls for Tom.
It's Tom's 30th birthday and he wants to wake up to Bucksfizz. Linda surprises him by arranging a party piece, bringing Jez and Suze around to do a birthday dance for him. But Tom wanted the drink, not the group. Tom's dull, boring and prudish parents come to visit, so Tom tries to be more discreet about his sexuality. He persuades Linda to flirt with his dad in order to scare them away. But everything goes wrong when Tom discovers that they have a secret of their own.
Tom and Linda go out clubbing and get completely smashed. Tom spends the night with a weird security guard, while Linda wakes up in bed with a woman. She's annoyed at first, until she realises that they did more than just sleep. Meanwhile Beryl goes back on the game, and Linda later gets arrested for soliciting. ""I said to them, do I look like a solicitor? No!""
Tom gets to appear in a sofa advert, while Linda stars working on a factory line, squirting mashed potato and flirting with her male colleague. Tom makes friends with a celebrity and brings him home, but he hates Linda (""Butt out or get pretty!""), causing friction in the flat.
Linda's old Prison Warden from Borstal comes to camp in their backyard, while Tom gets to meet the guy he's dreamed of meeting his entire life: Simon Shepherd from Peak Practice.
It's the first night of Tom's play starring alongside Tom Cruise, but things don't go according to plan when he forgets his one and only line.
Linda gets a surprise when her son appears out of nowhere to catch up on things. No one can believe it when he turns out to be black. Also, Suze begins going into labor.
Linda's in hospital from falling off a bus and having a saucepan stuck to her head. While Tom stars in his first major TV show, things go awry when an old flame from school puts him a sticky predicament.
Linda's dreams of becoming a model come true when Suze gets her a chance to be part of a fashion showcase, not knowing it's for ugly people. Tom gets singing lessons from Heidi, a look-a-like of Linda.
Suze thinks that Jez is having an affair, so he gets Linda to go undercover to discover the truth. Meanwhile, Tom gets a part on the nation's biggest soap: Crossroads. He plays a bellboy.
