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Private Notes
Comedian Steve Patterson is on a search for the unhandiest homeowners across Canada to see their DIY projects gone horribly wrong.
Tim has a serious staple gun addiction. He also likes taking on projects that are completely out of his skill range. This dangerous combination of confidence and no-know-how has resulted in renovation blunders in almost every room of the house including a massive hole in the kitchen ceiling, zero privacy in the bathrooms, a shower that Tim can’t stand up straight in and exposed wires hanging over the bathroom sink.
Mike is a hard-working father of three who seems to be single-handedly keeping the entire spray foam industry in business. His fourth-generation farm house seems to be mostly kept together with the stuff – while the rest of the house features trough like holes in every ceiling in the house, mostly non-functioning windows and a front door that is permanently nailed shut – stops the draft and… humans.
Phil has a penchant for fixing things cheaply yet creatively, often using various hues of duct tape to get the job done. To date, he has used this trusty sticky stuff to fix towel bars, curtain roads, electrical sockets, sink pipes, dry wall and about 20 door knobs. And yes, none of these things really work.
Dan says he’s pretty handy and has started dozens of reno projects in his home. Unfortunately, he’s finished zero. It’s a good thing he and wife Diana are yoga instructors because the house of exposed beams, faulty wiring, spray foamed ceilings and drywall chaos requires a strong dose of zen.
Dave’s basement started as a finished space. But then he told his wife Cheryl that he would de-finish it, refinish it and when he was done, she would have a beautiful, finished space. Long story short, Dave ripped out his entire basement and replaced it with blankets, carpet remnants and old furniture and now no one will go down there but him. The question is, is he hapless or an evil genius?
Rita is not even remotely handy. But she is creative. Who needs tools when duct tape is so cheap and easy to apply? She fixed a leak in her living room ceiling with duct tape and a puppy pad. She’s duct taped kitchen cupboards, screen doors, window blinds and laminate flooring. And despite having no bath tub, Rita has found an absolutely ingenious way to bathe in her stand-up shower.
Josh is funny. Very funny. So, you might almost think that his house is an elaborate joke and the punch line is just about to be delivered. But then he just shrugs. His house of disconnected cabinets, poorly-patched holes and terrifying electrical work gives our team of renovators lots to do and little time to do it.
Greg is a well-meaning unhandy man who has a natural talent for causing more damage than he fixes – evidenced by his missing reno-related index finger. Despite being a painter and a having a wife from a long-line of painters, unfinished paint and patchwork are hallmarks here – which includes an actual hall filled with actual marks.
Gabe has started about 367 new renovation projects in his home. Unfortunately he’s finished zero, which means his Oakville home has no kitchen, no living room, no sink and it’s missing a necessary weight-bearing wall (which he also took out). Unless you’ve ever had to go to the basement to do dishes, you can’t imagine life in this home.
No one will ever criticize Gardner for not being creative. Instead, they’ll probably criticize his complete lack of construction skill and the insane renovations found throughout his home. He fixed his staircase balusters with hockey sticks. Yep. His under-the-cabinet kitchen lighting is made from trailer lights and he has created a stovetop pot filler from a mic stand. And every room in the house features a fetching and eye-catchingly-large hole.
Andrew is the outdoorsy-type. Unfortunately, his house needs an indoorsy-type to rescue him and his family. Due to some unfortunate insulation decisions, Andrew’s pipes froze and wrecked everything that wasn’t previously wrecked by him. And a wall-mounted deer heads isn’t enough to distract you from the damage.
Cindy is a doer. So when the family homestead started to feel too small for the constant mess of guests that visited, she did something. She tore out a wall. Unfortunately, that wall is what keeps the roof up! And now the house is in peril of collapsing. Add in 14 layers of wallpaper (really) and cupboards that look like the moon’s surface and you have an old-fashioned handyman special, minus the handyman.
When Vitoria had a baby, her stepdad Joe decided he’d buy her a house and fix it up himself. But Joe’s fix-up skills are not really skills at all. They’re destructive powers, concealed inside a well-meaning, sweet guy’s shell. He muds like a three-year-old with clay. His roofing fixes involve tape and a bucket and his plumbing is aggressively dismal. As a result, Vitoria’s house is unliveable and looks like it just may have to be condemned – which may not be the best place for a baby.
Dan wanted a fresh-looking kitchen, so he took all the doors off the cupboards (good start), sanded them (this is getting exciting) and then put some finish on them and voilà: they looked terrible. So, he didn’t put them up. Now, his cupboards have no doors, his kitchen looks post-hurricanesque and when you look into the opening between the kitchen and living rooms you see turtles. Yes, turtles.
