Season 1 2006 - 2024

TV-14

Held up by many as the Worst Movie Ever Made (though the twelve people who saw Mariah Carey's 'Glitter' may strenuously disagree) Ed Wood's classic has endured so long because of the fine performances of Vampira, Dudley Manlove, and of course, Tor Johnson, the Swedish wrestler and hulking tower of flesh who turns in his best work as Inspector Dan Clay, a hulking tower of flesh.

Original film made in 1959.

A true cult classic -- and one of the scariest movies of all time. The dead are walking, and they hunger for human flesh. A group of panicked survivors are barricaded in a deserted farmhouse while the army of flesh-eating zombies hovers outside their door. Now experience the bone-chilling terror in color for the first time on DVD! With a 5.1 surround sound remix, and a hilarious commentary track by Michael J. Nelson, this is the most fun you'll ever have with the living dead!

Original film made in 1968.

This is it – the best movie ever made about a world-famous bouncer and his epic struggle with the evil owner of the local J.C. Penney. Patrick Swayze is at his most shirtless as Dalton, a bouncer who is as comfortable quoting Zen aphorisms as he is kicking drunken men in the head.

The incomparable Sam Elliot is hilarious as Swayze's grizzled but lovable mentor, growling out lines like "I'll sleep when I'm dead," and running his weathered hand through his long, gray, greasy hair. And Kevin Tighe (of Lost) as the owner of the titular roadhouse delivers one of the strangest performances ever committed to film.

Road House is the comic mother lode and Mike takes advantage of every smashed beer bottle, throat kick, and monster car smash-up in his hilarious running commentary.

Original film made in 1989.

Long before the exceedingly boxy, strange-looking car, there was another Element:

The Fifth Element, a clown-headed young woman in orange rubber lederhosen who held the key to saving earth from a big ball of evil…stuff. Bruce Willis is a hack (as in "cab driver") who must protect her from the malevolent Zorg (Gary Oldman sporting an acrylic yarmulke, novelty teeth and an accent that makes him sound like a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and Barney Fife).

The yummy Ukrainian Milla Jovovich stars as Leeloo, the titular element. Yes, earth's very existence is in the hands of someone named Leeloo.

The bittersweet sequel to Star Treks I, II, III and IV was indeed the "Final Frontier", one last voyage for our heroic Captain Kirk and the brave crew of the Enterprise – except for another one to follow.

And then of course the several dozen spin-offs and spin-off sequels to follow. "The Final Frontier" sees a special guest appearance by the one character fit to take equal billing with William Shatner: God. And so this RiffTrax deserves an awe-inspiring guest appearance by none other than Kevin Murphy, Mike's riffing companion for years on the Satellite of Love!

It's a RiffTrax lover's dream come true. (And Mike and Kevin promise not to make any jokes comparing the Enterprise and Charmin toilet paper.)

A drunken Australian councils a young Tom Cruise on life, love, and female undergarments. Tom and Nicole's wedding night? No, this is the thrilling plot of Cocktail, starring Cruise, Bryan Brown, Kelly "Road House" Lynch and Gina "Showgirls" Gershon.

When young Brian Flanagan (Cruise) is discharged from the Army and quickly discovers that he has few job prospects, scant talent, and no discernible intelligence, he exercises his only real option and gets a job at a TGI Fridays, whipping around bottles of Blue Curacao and serving deep-fried broccoli balls to people wearing suspenders.

When Coughlin betrays his partner, Brian flees to Jamaica, puts on a cheap, Qiana jungle print shirt and resumes his half-baked act there, soon bedding down the improbably named Jordan Mooney (Shue). Coughlin follows him to Jamaica. Can they rekindle their friendship? Will they reform their circus/bartender act? Will they get a job together tossing chicken strips around at a Carl's Jr.?

Vin Diesel, the Jean-Claude Van Damme of our time, stars as Xander Cage, an underground extreme sports star who apparently lost all his hair in a tragic skydiving accident.

The NSA shanghais Xander to help them bust up a dangerous group of anarchists – and what an amazingly well-organized and thorough group of anarchists they are – by using his skills at pulling the most extremely off da heezy-fo-sheezy stunts ever, bi-atch.

Samuel L. Jackson co-stars as Xander's cantankerous boss, made cantankerous, we can assume, by the fact that one side of his face is melted (the result, no doubt, of a mishap while he and his nutty friends were filming a Diet Coke and Mentos stunt for YouTube.)

The film is a perfect fit for Mike's RiffTrax style, what with his deep, deep roots in the underground sports community (once, when he was nine years old, he rode his bike right over a milk carton.)

Among the finest Britney Spears movies ever made, Crossroads* tells the story of a high school graduate who drives to L.A. Not very exciting on paper, but up on the big screen, it's a drive-to-L.A.-stravaganza! Fueled by today's exciting pop hits, Crossroads is sure to connect with the new "youth" market we've been hearing so much about lately.

Featuring knock-out performances by Dan Aykroyd (My Girl 2) and Kim Cattrall (Turk 182!) and featuring the chart busting hits of newcomers Mystikal and *Nsync (prounounced NUHS-ink), Crossroads is Federline-free fun for the whole family. Oh, and it makes for a hilarious RiffTrax.

*Not the Crossroads where the Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) challenges Satan (The Author of All Lies) to a blues guitar contest.

On the shadowy periphery of society lives a secret organization of mutants – despised, deformed and loathed, they live in fear of a nation that holds them in contempt. They are comic book fans. And one of their favorites is X-Men, which tells the tale of a secret organization headed by Professor Charles Xavier, master of the mysterious brain device known as Cerebro and ideological enemy of the metal-manipulating villain Magneto. It's all very neat-o.

Featuring the extremely British performances of Patrick Stewart (Robin Hood: Men in Tights) and Sir Ian McKellan (Last Action Hero), X-Men tries its altogether best to maintain some shred of dignity even while adults with names like Cyclops and Storm leap around in spandex suits fighting other adults named Toad and Magneto.

There's a lot to work with, so Mike enlisted the help of his MST3K co-star Bill Corbett for this hilarious RiffTrax!

Iceman, Maverick and Slider: while they make great names for members of a tracksuit wearing boy band, they make even better names for shirtless, pretty boy pilots! And Tom Cruise is the prettiest and shirtless-liest of them all as Maverick, a bad boy aviator who lock horns with the large-toothed Iceman (Val "The Island of Dr. Moreau" Kilmer) and locks other things with the saucy MIT-educated Naval consultant Charlie (Kelly "Supergator" McGillis).

And if you're a fan of music that is likely to be heard in an aerobics class, you'll love the pulse-pounding soundtrack by disco top gun Giorgio Moroder! For this RiffTrax, Mike flies high with his Mystery Science wingman, Bill Corbett. It will literally "take your breath away"! No breath will actually be taken away. When we say "literally" we don't literally mean it.

Original film made in 1986.

Not since Chicken Fried Steak met Country Gravy has there been such a dynamic pairing as Patrick "Forever Lulu" Swayze and Keanu "Permanent Record" Reeves. The "whoa"s fly fast and furious as Johnny Utah (Reeves), a hotshot FBI agent, pursues Bodhi (Swayze), a tan little fellow with Bon Jovi's hair who dresses up in adorable little costumes and robs banks.

Gary Busey (the other Nick Nolte) gives a powerhouse performance as Utah's partner, and Lori "Free Willy" Petty, in one of her thinnest roles, is the girl Johnny likes to sleep with. Point Break is 100% pure adrenaline and Mike's "Point Break" RiffTrax is 100% pure nitrous oxide!

The most shocking Halloween-related thing ever -- with the possible exception of the joke about Mrs. Ghost not being able to get pregnant because Mr. Ghost had a hollow weenie. But in a respectable 2nd place, anyway, is Halloween, the horrifying tale of an evil madman named Mike Myers (as if his Simon character wasn't chilling enough) who terrorizes a babysitter by putting on a jumpsuit and hiding in the hedge. (A technique now widely used by custodians the world over.)

Featuring the blood curdling theme song by director John Carpenter in which he hits a G on a piano key 900 times, then a C about 738 times and then hammers on the G for a time before hitting a G# and then starting the process over again and repeating it several hundred thousand times. Because he was too chicken to sit in the dark and watch it by himself, Mike enlisted the help of his old pal Kevin Murphy for this hilarious RiffTrax. You'll scream, you'll laugh, you'll jump out of your seat! (And then you should probably start watching the movie).

In Earth's dirty, dystopian future, one in which every person alive is kept in a dark, moist pod and fed misinformation (kind of like Manhattan, only the odors are less pungent), only one man can save us – and that man is Johnny Utah.

Wait, no – Johnny Mnemonic. Hold on, that's not it. It's some kind of car name…uh, Horizon, um….Omni. Ram Charger – No, Neo. That's it. Neo. Led by the enterprising Morpheus, and the hot-erprising Trinity, Neo learns his fate from the Oracle, a corpulent, crusty, chain-smoking broad who is likely to put you off Oracles forever.

What is the Matrix? It's a laugh-a-minute RiffTrax with Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy, that's what.

Of all the many Binks in the world, who is the most skull-crushingly annoying? Is it the Binks Company, the Canadian insurance brokers? Is it the U.S. manufacturers of spray guns, paint booths, and electrostatic spray equipment? Or is Jar Jar, the mouthy horse-lizard from the 4th Star Wars movie, appropriately titled Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace? If you said anything but number three, you are imprisonably insane!

That's right, Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy take on the franchise-ruining Star Wars that everybody loves to hate but nobody loves to watch! Only we make you want to watch it again, and laugh instead of kill! Finally, Jar Jar gets what he deserves!

Original film made in 1999.

The scariest thing to come out of Japan since Pink Lady, The Grudge tells the story of a young woman who travels to Japan with her underwear-sniffing boyfriend and soon finds herself in the clutches of an evil curse (as if having an underwear-sniffing boyfriend wasn't bad enough).

Bill Pullman co-stars, sort of, in that he speaks several lines of dialogue. In contrast to a high body count slasher film, The Grudge is infused with a suffocating sense of dread, very much like an average episode of According to Jim. Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson settle their own grudge in this not-to-be-missed RiffTrax.

The greatest fantasy epic of all times is at last a RiffTrax! No, not Crossroads – we already did that. And not A Very Unlucky Leprechaun – which we haven't done yet but are seriously mulling over. We speak of course of Lord of the Rings:

The Fellowship of the Ring, the thrilling tale of some short guys, some slightly taller hairy guys, some thin, fey, but slightly taller guys, some grungy, somewhat beefier, slightly taller guys, and a frighteningly hairy, older, slightly taller guy with a stick, and their quest to throw something somewhere hot.

Mike Nelson and special guest riffer Kevin Murphy go after the ultimate comedy prize in this very special two-part RiffTrax. This RiffTrax is only compatible with the Theatrical Release, not the extended edition. It does however, work for both the single side and doubled sided versions of the Theatrical Release. Viewing Suggestion:

This RiffTrax was written and performed with the whole family in mind, so if you are comfortable with your children watching Lord of the Rings, this should be perfectly appropriate for them as well. Skip the endless reruns of The War at Home and treat your whole family to the RiffTrax experience!

And the people cried out with one voice, "Maketh us a movie in which Marlon Brando can don a muumuu, false teeth, clown white make-up and a really gay bonnet.

See that it also stareth Val Kilmer at his scenery-chewing best. And, yea, putteth the extras in hot, smelly animal suits and maketh you the plot absurd." And, lo, did John Frankenheimer deliver unto us The Island of Dr. Moreau. And it was good. Truly, you must see it to believe it.

But you must only see it accompanied by this RiffTrax, for which Mike enlisted the talents of Kevin Murphy, or else you WILL die.

Original film made in 1996.

The thrilling world of banking explodes across the silver screen! Harrison Ford is a bank security manager who gets more than he bargained for when a cold-blooded thief (Paul Bettany) breaks the little chain and steals the pen that belongs to the desk where most customers fill out their deposit slips! And as if that weren't enough, he ups the ante, nearly emptying the entire pot of complimentary coffee into his giant, one-liter travel mug that he got from the Tom Thumb!

His reign of terror continues as he gets in line for the teller and begins to fill out his deposit slip only after he gets to the counter! Oh, there are gunfights and fisticuffs and intrigue and Virginia Madsen playing put-upon wives and whatnot, but mostly, this is thrilling, non-stop, ink-spilling banking at its best!

The bottom line on this ledger shows an aggregate surplus of laughs, as Mike is joined by Kevin Murphy for one fiscally sound RiffTrax!

You know Dasher, of course. And Dancer, no need to refresh your memory there. Prancer, you go way back. Vixen is as familiar to you as Comet, not to mention dear old Cupid. Donner and Blitzen, why you had them over to your house for chili just the other night. But do you recall the most famous donkey of all? Neither do I.

That's why Nestor the Long Eared Christmas Donkey performs such a great service. It offers THE authoritative biography of this under-appreciated representative of the species Equus asinus. And it makes a great RiffTrax! Note: Though this RiffTrax could probably technically pass with a "G" rating, it is not recommended for very young children. We suggest screening it first if you are unsure.

A post-apocalyptic thriller that substitutes dirt and grime for any inkling of logic and probability, Reign of Fire features shirtless one-upmanship at its finest. The cigar stub chomping Matthew McConaughey is finally chiseled into Mt. RiffTrax, making a gutsy bid to become the hardest working shirtless man in show business since The Swayze himself.

Playing the Keanu-esque foil to McConaughey's Swayze, Christian Bale returns every hardened stare, lets no machismo go unanswered, no muscle flex go un-flexed back at, and he'll be damned if he puts a shirt on either. For good measure, the writers also toss in a few dragons, and hint at the existence of thousands more.

It's an old fashioned post-apocalyptic dude-off, both on the screen and in the recording booth, as Kevin Murphy joins Mike Nelson for what is sure to be your newest favorite RiffTrax involving dragons.

Several years ago, it is quite likely that you were one of the millions who bought a ticket to see X-Men or Spider-Man in the theater. The massive success of these two movies convinced studio execs that the public was desperate for any and all things Superhero. In short, it is because of you, yes you, that the film Daredevil darkens our world.

Daredevil tells the story of lawyer Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck), who due to a childhood accident involving toxic chemicals has no fear. He is thus able to leap off of skyscrapers and land on the ground without shattering his tibias. Along the way he encounters Elektra (Jennifer Garner), who he fights on a teeter-totter, Bullseye (Colin Farrell), who embraces every stereotype about the Irish, (namely that they have really good aim) and Michael Clarke Duncan, who plays against character for once, in his groundbreaking role as A Really Big Guy.

Only a fool would choose to leap headfirst into such a world of second tier heroes on his own, and Mike, despite voluntarily spending hours of his time watching Daredevil, is no fool. So his good friends Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, (who are both also Men Without Fear) are all along for the ride.

It's a trio of crime fighting Riffiness that no Riffaholic should Riff without.

In the year 3000 man is an endangered species, enslaved, severely unshowered, beholden to a cruel alien race fond of dreadlocks and really impractical boots.Only one man can break the yoke of slavery and lead mankind to victory over their cruel tyranny. And that one man is television character actor Peter MacNicol. Wait – slight error there. Salt of the earth, Peter MacNicol, but it's not him.

Actually, the one man who can break the yoke of slavery and lead mankind to victory is Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), if you can believe that. Yes, Battlefield Earth, L. Ron Hubbard's epic tale of why you should become a Scientologist splashes* across the big screen in John Travolta's masterful** retelling.

Helping Mr. Travolta along in his masterful retelling are Mike, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett. Yes, the MST3K gang is back together in full force to take on the most legendary cinematic blunder since whatever Joel Schumacher's last film was. *like vomit. **here "masterful" is used in the sense of "revoltingly, irredeemably noxious"

Original film made in 2000.

"Be afraid...be twice as afraid!" So goes the tagline for Troll 2, the follow up, unsurprisingly, to Troll. A more fitting tagline might have been, "What the hell was that? Seriously, what was that? Was the director spraying Pam cooking spray into a paper bag and huffing the fumes throughout the production?

Was the script assembled by a madman using words clipped from Lyndon LaRouche pamphlets? Did the actors regularly ingest a cocktail of lithium and horse tranquilizers before each scene? And Eliot – someone please explain Eliot to me, using visual aids, if you will, because I cannot even begin to grasp the barest outlines of a concept of just what the hell Eliot is or was? Or does he just exist in some shadowy, nightmare dream world of my own creation? WHO IS ELIOT? WHY IS ELIOT?! WHERE AM I?!"

Yeah, that should have been the tagline, but it's a touch long. As it is, Rich Kyanka, the founder and proprietor of Somethingawful.com (and a huge "fan" of Troll 2) joins Mike for a hilarious RiffTrax.

Original film made in 1990.

"To boldly go where no man has gone before," and if you don't count the 79 television shows and 5 movies that came before it then Star Trek VI does exactly that. Yes, it's bold enough to have lauded stage actor Christopher Plummer glue on a few hideous plastic appliqués and shriek out lines from Shakespeare's plays at inappropriate times.

It's bold enough to hire Kim Cattrall for her acting experience alone in a role that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. And it's bold enough to pretend with a straight face that the cast of the original series shouldn't have been dry docked 20 years prior to this film.

To handle this mess, Mike enlisted the aid of Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, his riffing companions from Mystery Science Theater 3000. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll say to yourself, Who is John Shuck and how can I avoid his work from now on?

Never make the mistake of thinking that Over the Top is just an arm-wrestling picture. Oh, there's arm wrestling, all right – more arm wrestling than an 8th grade study hall. But there's also a truck. And a kid. And a whole lot of arm wrestling! And just wait till you hear the shocking secret behind Sylvester Stallone's signature "turning the hat backward" move. (Hint: it has something to do with arm wrestling!)

And there's arm wrestling! And if you're really good, maybe there'll be a Kenny Loggins song at key points in the movie. (And arm wrestling) Mike won't come out and say it, but by the glint in his eye, we suspect that this just may be the next Road House!

Disembaudio co-stars in this arm-wrestlo-rama of a RiffTrax.

"Seeing it...made me feel helpless, humiliated and sad." A celebrity apologizing for their latest paparazzi shots? No, those are the words of Aeon Flux creator Peter Chung regarding the big screen adaptation of the TV show he created. Peter, Peter, Peter...Why the long face? You have it so good!

You want helpless? Watch yet another director hamfistedly attempt to cope with a studio's order to "Be more like The Matrix." You want humiliated? Try Best Actress Oscar winners Charlize Theron and Frances McDormand, who must have done some hard drinking together the night before they signed up to play members of a spy sect called the "Monicans" for some reason. Want sad? Look at the latest devoted sect of fanboys whose beloved cult cartoon is now known by the general population as being "That movie with that guy from xXx."

Peter my friend, when a bomb as fast and as loud and as incomprehensible as Aeon Flux comes along, it's your job to just quietly cash the checks, and then turn the reigns over to Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy, and let the two of them do their thing. The hilarity, much like the Relical, (whatever that is), is omnipresent in this RiffTrax, and it is guaranteed to make you feel the opposite of helpless, humiliated and sad, (whatever that may be as well.)

Horror has a new name – and that name is "wicker". Once used almost exclusively in the construction of baskets and attractive outdoor furniture, wicker will now and forever after be synonymous with a terror that will chill your blood and torment your mind!

(Though admittedly a certain small percentage of people, rather than associating it with terror, will continue to think of their grandma's patio set. There's nothing you can do about these intractable folks but throw your hands in the air and just give up trying to change their minds where wicker is concerned.)

Yes, "Wicker Man" dares to depict a nightmarish world in which Nicolas Cage punches a woman in the face so that he can steal her bear costume. And this after having stolen at gunpoint a bike belonging to a woman dressed as a magpie and then going on to knock out Leelee Sobieski by kicking her in the breadbasket.

If this doesn't sound scary, may I remind you that there's WICKER! Neil LaBute has done the impossible by making the most unintentionally funny movie since "The Lake House". With such rich fare it would be unthinkable not to let Kevin Murphy in on the fun. And so we did! Kevin and Mike couldn't have had a better time with "The Wicker Man" if he'd been made of rattan!

Original film made in 2006.

Robots sent from the future into the past to kill people who will one day become important to the war against machines are like cockroaches – no matter how many of ‘em you kill, there’s always another, showing up one day naked in a little glowing ball of energy (the robots from the future, not cockroaches.

Well, to be clear, the cockroaches show up naked as well, but without the little glowing ball of energy.) The point is, humanity’s loss is our gain, as Terminator 3 offers another chance for Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger to show off his prodigious acting chops [i.e., his pecs].

Kristanna Loken co-stars as the ruthless Termanatrix, a superior model of robot with, I think you’ll agree, a superior bare backside, altogether less hairy, not nearly as Austrian, with smooth, clean lines and a… anyway, back to the synopsis.

Arnold must protect John Connor (Nick Stahl) not only from the Terminatrix, but also, because the kid is a supremely annoying presence, from all those who want to slap him, and that encompasses everyone who has ever met him.

Things get complicated when a whiny young irritant named Kate (Claire Danes) locks John into an unhygienic dog kennel and refuses to even worm him. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines is a big, dumb movie filled with big, dumb people. Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson are two big, dumb guys who are just dumb enough to take it on!

The television phenomenon of our time (no, not “According to Jim”) is now the RiffTrax phenomenon of this week! Yes, “Lost”, the thrilling saga of a group of castaways – of varying degrees of hotness – and their struggle to survive without having to resort to wholesale drinking of their own urine. “Lost” conveys the wit, intrigue and fierce intelligence of “Gilligan’s Island” in a modern setting – and without the mind-shattering annoyance of Bob Denver!

Contains Episodes 1 and 2of Season 1.

It’s Binks-ian fun for the whole family as George Lucas empties the contents of his brain onto film one more time! This go around, the part of the annoying kid is explored more deeply by a new annoying kid, Hayden Christensen, in a performance so jaw-droppingly wooden and laughable it’s got to make Keanu Reeves feel pretty darned good about himself.

Ewan McGregor returns as that one guy who was once played by that other British guy, and he’s apparently become comfortable enough with his green screen acting that he no longer even pretends it matters whether he puts in effort or not. And returning for the role of Padme Amidala is Natalie Portman, looking cute but losing her bid to keep her voice from grinding into her audience’s skull like a buzz saw.

All of this would be a RiffTrax dream come true – but making it even dream come true-ier is that Mike and Kevin are joined by none other than Chad Vader, brother of Darth and star of his own colossally successful internet series. It is quite simply a RiffTacular RiffStravaganza!

Your favorite chicken-slaughtering candy-maker is now a RiffTrax! Yes, Willy Wonka (the older, shouting Willy Wonka, not the newer, thin, fey version), the chocolatier and inventor of a gobstopper that lasts a good deal longer than the older, short-lived gobstoppers, gets the treatment from Mike and special guest Riffer…(wait for it… drum roll… fanfare… small burst of fireworks…) Neil Patrick Harris!

That's right, Neil Patrick Harris, not Ed Harris, the guy with the scar on his face from "A History of Violence", but rather NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! Yes, we somehow finagled the star of "How I Met Your Mother" into the RiffTrax studios to sit with one of his favorite Oompa Loompa-packed films. The result is a very special, very hilarious RiffTrax.

A spine-tingling thrill ride that moves from the exotic poker tables of Montenegro, to the exotic hotel rooms of Montenegro, then back to the poker tables, then the rooms again, then a return visit to the poker table for a more extended stay, then a short rest and back to the poker table! And there's killing, too! And lot's of sweet lovin', if you're into that.

Daniel Craig inhabits the role of James Bond, the dashing MI6 agent who holds a license to kill, as well a license to wax his chest and wear tiny, undignified swimming trunks. Eva Green is Vesper Lynd, (get it?) the hot-to-trot financier who administers the majority of Bond's lovin', with luscious Caterina Murino batting clean-up. And Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen stars as Le Chiffre, a sardine-faced villain and numbers genius (he can make change for a dollar without punching it into the cash register!)

Joining Mike is Kevin Murphy. Both Mike and Kevin have a license to Riff.

Are you a fan of Star Wars but feel that there just weren't enough brain-stunningly idiotic names for your taste? Do you like the Lord of the Rings films but find they move too quickly and make too much sense?

Did you enjoy The Matrix but wish it could have contained a horrendously embarrassing performance by former actor/professional picnic ham John Malkovich? Then you need help! That is, then Eragon is the film for you!

Ostensibly about some punk who finds a dragon egg, Eragon is actually a poignant onscreen documentation of the decline of Jeremy Irons, whose eye bags, if there were any justice, would have received third billing. And it's also a showcase for first time actor - um- can't remember his name. Really made no impression one way or the other. (In fact, was he even in the film?)

But mostly it's an opportunity to watch John Malkovich turn in a performance that had to - HAD TO - be a direct challenge to the director, "Please, fire me.I'm begging you to fire me. I'll do a take like this and then you'll have to fire me. Wait,I'm still not fired?"

Kevin Murphy joins Mike in the RiffTrax International Studios (and Small Engine Repair) for Eragon, the blockbuster fantasy epic that forgets to be a blockbuster.

If you're a fan of movies that feature screaming, megalomaniacal divas and their relationships to shirtless guys, you have so far been limited to Barbra Steisand's "A Star is Born".

But now, like a nut-covered cheese log from heaven comes Mariah Carey's "Glitter" - the film that, more than even her decade long string of unlistenable pop songs, landed her in the loony bin where she spent several months writing lyrics on the padded walls of her recovery room using a thick crayon held between her toes.

A film that, without the barest hint of shame or irony, features as a centerpiece the Robert Palmer song, "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On." A film that, against all laws of logic and common sense, gives a prominent role to the former Mr. Halle Berry (a.k.a, Eric Benet.)

No one, not even Mike, is dumb enough to take this one without some serious help. And serious help he got in the person of former MST3K cast member Mary Jo Pehl. A true RiffTrax event!

Something lurks in the dense jungle. Something horrible and cruel, a creature from beyond our world. His name is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He lurks next to another unspeakable creature named Jesse Ventura. And another, goes by the handle Carl Weathers. Who himself lurks next to a monstrous slab of flesh known as Bill Duke.

Together, they face down a creature who, quite understandably, hunts them for their skulls, hoping to fetch a fair price for them at the many Open Skull Markets that dot the galaxy. (If you haven't been to one, you must go. Take the kids, because the markets are very family friendly and they have these great Hawaiian Ice stands. And, of course, there's the skulls.)

Predator unseals a whole tin of whoop-bottom, trotting out cliches like so many, well, like so many boiled human skulls at the terrific Open Skull Market on Nespus VIII (honestly, I know I sound like I'm raving, but it really is just a great way to spend a Saturday, and it's fairly reasonable, too.)

Finally, a good use for your Predator DVD that isn't "propping up that one corner of the entertainment stand, the one whose castor you snapped off when you were moving out of that place on Spring Street because you just couldn't hack sharing a place with Beezer anymore, on account of his socks."

Original film made in 1987.

This is the hugely successful, boldly innovative show that dares to tell its story in the unlikeliest setting imaginable – a hospital!

But where Grey's Anatomy really ploughs new ground is in its use of attractive young lead actors, and the moody, radio friendly hits of some of today's top artists! And unlike St. Elsewhere, Chicago Hope, ER, The Doctors, Dr. Kildare, General Hospital, Ben Casey, Scrubs, Marcus Welby, MD, Doogie Howser, MD, M*A*S*H, House, LA Doctors, Nip/Tuck, Trapper John, MD, Quincy, M.E., Strong Medicine, After MASH and Doc, this one is on Thursdays at 9:00PM on ABC.

Navigating the complex emotional core of Grey's Anatomy would be impossible without the help of Bridget Nelson, a writer, performer and MST3K alum, who joins Mike for back to back episodes. Dr.'s orders – take two shows for maximum results!*

*RiffTrax assumes no responsibility for pain and emotional distress caused by that last line.

Contains Episodes 1 and 2 of Season 1

Most film adaptations of comic books skimp on the amount of fantastic-ness, offering at best one or perhaps two units of fantastic-osity.

Not Fantastic Four! It goes the extra mile by providing THREE (3) fantastic characters (plus a bonus character who's not so much fantastic as he is a fantastic irritant, in the spirit of battery acid on the skin or airplane glue in the eyes.)

Plus, Fantastic Four gives you a villain who looks and acts as though he were carved out of large log of congealed tallow! And while other movies might cast Jessica Alba in a lead role and then task her with giving a performance, Fantastic Four plays to her strengths by avoiding any performance at all and instead merely parades her around in a tighter-than-skin Spandex suit.

Featuring eye-popping special effects and a collection of words written down and then spoken by the actors (it would be a wild exaggeration to refer to it as a "script"), Fantastic Four gets a fantastic four star rating* from Mike and expert riffer Kevin Murphy.

*Out of ten possible.

Star Trek: Generations – truly a loving gift from one generation to the next. Much like that 15-pound, 10 percent water-added Danish ham that your uncle Clark who lives in Rockford mailed to you on Thanksgiving, the one that cracked open in transport and arrived at your doorstop in a brine soaked box, stinking like a week old corpse.

Yes, this is the legendary Star Trek that at long last teams two of the series' most enduring elements – Scotty, and a size 74 uniform. Not to mention a performance by respected British actor Malcolm McDowell that can only be described as, well, dis-un-respect-ulating. And Klingon cleavage? Generations has it in great heaping mounds! Mike and Kevin Murphy climb once more unto the breach for a fun-filled, intergenerational riff.

A small band of brave men struggle against enormous odds, battling a superior force, and though ultimately they are defeated their sacrifice becomes a source of inspiration and hope that rings out like a clarion call through the pages of history. But enough about the Mighty Ducks. 300, in contrast, is about a gang of shirtless and immoral baby-killing idiots who hack up a larger group of idiots on some cliff in Greece a couple of thousand years ago. To a soundtrack of ersatz Nine Inch Nails.

Starring Gerard Butler as a shrieking inarticulate Scotsman (so in other words "a Scotsman"), 300 delivers on its promise to be the bloodiest movie since Carrie 2: Carrie vs. Saw. (Though it should be noted that in lieu of blood, 300 utilized digital globs of diluted road tar.)

To make it a fair fight, Mike enlisted the help of battle veterans Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. 3 against the 300! This…is…RIFFTRAX!

Imagine waking up in an unfamiliar place, unable to recall where you live, what you're doing there, or even your own name. Now imagine for the first time in your life it wasn't a direct result of your downing eleven pints of Guinness and then agreeing to do a Lemon Drop shooter with Jimmy T., Spleef, and Hondo the night before at Durty Nelly's.

Now imagine that you began to discover you had mysterious talents -- talents that didn't involve the ability to stand next to the open refrigerator door in your underpants and drink a half gallon of Minute Maid Pulp Free directly from the pitcher without stopping for air. Now imagine you are Matt Damon.

Why, the mere thought of it is to stare into a bottomless well of agony. Yet Matt Damon awakes to that fresh horror every morning of his life (the horror of discovering that he remains Matt Damon, not all that stuff about his memory.

That happens to his character in that one movie – what's it called? – The Bourne Identity. My memory's not so good.) Anyway, the point is that Bourne Identity is a pulse-pounding thriller that goes from the exotic…um, somethings of somewhere to the even more exotic – look, it's tough to recall all the little things, I'm just a little fuzzy today.

Suffice it to say that Bourne Identity makes for a terrific RiffTrax – and the fact that Mike is joined by Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett, well, that's just -- what do you call it, that brown runny stuff – gravy!

In every single one of the 900 million aliens-come-to-earth movies that had come before it the aliens were malevolent, bent on man's destruction, but Independence Day changed all that. Yes, the alien's were once again malevolent, but this time Judd Hirsch was in the movie!

Never before had this even been dreamt of, putting Judd Hirsch in a film. It was a brazen move, one almost as stunning as casting Bill Pullman as the president of the United States as opposed to taking the obvious path and casting him as a guy at a Rapid Oil Change who says, "Ahead. Little more. Little more.

Okay, stop." And never before in screen history had a person named "Vivica" done anything let alone attempt to act credibly in a movie role. Not only that, Independence Day dares to feature one of the most ineffective inspirational speeches since those delivered in a bunker in Berlin in late April 1945.

For ID4, Mike is joined by both Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, so in the words of Captain Jimmy Wilder, Kick the tires and light the fires!*

If it wouldn't be too much trouble. And we'd like to thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation in our tire kicking, fire lighting scheme.*

**RiffTrax is to be held blameless for any damaged tires, bruised tarsals or burnt property as a result of any tire kicking or fire lighting engaged in by the customer.

Imagine, just imagine, if ordinary citizens suddenly began to discover that they have acquired extraordinary powers. Why, you would have X-Men.

But imagine if instead of acquiring X-Men-like powers of healing, time travel, mind control and the ability to fly these people instead had those powers but weren't X-Men! Why, then you'd have the very un-X-Men-like Heroes!

Follow the exploits of Claire, Hiro, Peter, Logan, Scott Summers, and Jean Grey as they struggle to come to grips with powers that are so obviously not modeled after X-Men. Join Mike as he discovers his extraordinary power to riff on Heroes.

Contains Episodes 1 and 2 of Season 1.

The Sith is back, and this time he has come to make ponderous speeches to the gathered Senate and kick tail – and he's all out of ponderous speeches to the gathered Senate! Ian McDiarmid steals the show as the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (not to be confused with the heart medication of the same name. Palpatine is not for everyone. Ask your doctor if Palpatine might be right for you.)

He inhabits the character showing astonishing range: now fey and annoying, now wrinkled and laughable. As to the rest of the cast – it's the darndest thing, but I can't recall that there was anyone else even in the movie.

There was a Darth Vader costume, I believe, but that was filled by a wax statue and manipulated digitally to remove any possible chance that it would be interesting in any way. And there was something called a Ewan McGregor, but further research shows that to be a technical term used by the key grip for a kind of light stand. Oh, and Natalie Portman was in it, kind of.

Mike is joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy on the RiffTrax for this, the Sithiest film ever made!

The ark is lost! Who will raid it?! Clearly, there is only one man for the job: but since Ben Gazzara is unavailable, Indiana Jones will go in his stead and accomplish the needed raiding.

That the shoot will take place in Tunesia where the traditional fig liquor "bokha" is readily available to cast and crew alike simply means that the raiding will get off to a particularly rousing start.

Along the way Nazis will be punched (stupid Nazis probably deserved it), submarines be will clung to, and staffs of Ra will be cut to the wrong size, the error discovered and finally the correct size staff of Ra fabricated! Yes, the original blockbuster finally gets the RiffTrax treatment. Raiding with Mike are Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy.

To quote the soundtrack, "Da da da-da, da da-da! Da da da-da, da da DA DA DAAAH!"

When Peter Parker is bitten by one of Columbia University's many genetically engineered "super spiders" (now we know what they do with their 6 billion dollar endowment) instead of doing the sensible thing and dying, he transmogrifies into an arachnid, extruding fluids from his spinnerets, leaping about, swinging and twirling just like a spider.

But being a spider naturally puts him on the bad side of Norman Osborn, the charismatic head of OsCorp Industries who manages to find enough time in his day to moonlight as an evil goblin (played by real life evil goblin Willem Dafoe.)

He also finds it difficult to manage his relationship with the beautiful Mary Jane, because, well, he's a freakish wer-spider. His exoskeleton alone makes it literally impossible for him to come out of his shell until it's time to molt – and at that point he's too vulnerable for a relationship. It all makes for the most thrilling arthropod-on-human love and adventure tale ever told in the year 2002!

Joining Mike are Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett and several harvestmen that live in the corners of the studio. (Yes, we know that harvestmen are not spiders. And, no, theirs is not the most poisonous venom in the world – that's just a myth.)

Next, the thrilling story of a down-on-his luck magician (Nicholas Cage) who hitches a ride to Flagstaff! Not only that, he walks down into the Grand Canyon and shows a kid a rock! And can your heart stand the excitement when he gives a car to Peter Falk!?

The fact that he can see two minutes into the future is just frosting on the ride-hitching, rock-showing, car-giving cake of non-stop thrills! Jessica Biel co-stars as a woman who spends one day with Nicholas Cage and rather than doing the sensible thing and running away, moving without leaving a forwarding address, and getting an unlisted phone number, actually falls in love with him! (Note: she also appears onscreen wearing no pants.

This is in no way meant to encourage you to buy the RiffTrax by appealing to your prurient interests, we merely wish for our customers to make fully informed decisions where JESSICA BIEL WEARING PANTIES AND A SKIMPY SHIRT is concerned!)

Joining Mike is Bridget Nelson, a Mystery Science Theater 3000 alumni (and Mikes' wife!) That's NEXT!

The title says it all: a missile goes to the moon! Only there are people in the missile so it's not really a missile but should more precisely be referred to as a "rocket"!

Still, it goes to the moon, so the title is 50 percent right, which is more than you can say for, oh, Magnolia, which is not about magnolias at all, but rather is largely comprised of Tom Cruise talking about his junk.

Not only does Missile to the Moon offer a title that is half true, it also delivers a thrilling 50's era tale filled with chunk headed scientists, shapely pageant winners, and a spider that's roughly as menacing as one of the lesser Baldwin brothers.

But the real star of this RiffTrax is comedy legend Fred Willard! Yes, the funniest man in America joins Mike as they take on the classic Missile to the Moon.

The toys you got free in your happy meal explode across the screen as the loosening of FCC regulations on marketing directly to children is now a major motion picture! And the now grown-up targets of that marketing once again obeyed their overlords, turning Transformers into the loudest hit of the year!

Shia LaBeouf (from the German meaning "diffident steak") stars alongside Megan Fox, who certainly lives up to her name (she looks like a Megan)! Optimus Prime (which the Feds just raised by a quarter point) battles the evil Decepticons led by the eviler Megatron for control of the Allspark, which is possibly the silliest thing ever conceived by man.

It's the most fun you'll have watching toys, at least until Mr. Potato Head: The Motion Picture hits the theaters (Jack Black is in talks to star). Mike, Kevin and Bill endure the lashings of Michael Bay in a must-have RiffTrax!

The most profitable bespectacled Potter since Henry F. and Sherman T. combined, tales of Harry's indoctrination into Satan's dark and unholy arts have delighted dozens of children the world over.

And this, the first movie of the series, ably helmed by Chris Columbus (Monkeybone, Christmas with the Kranks, Jingle All the Way, Bicentennial Man, Mrs. Doubtfire, Nine Months, Gremlins 2: The New Batch) captures all the wonder, magic, and reckless child endangerment, thanks in no small part to the scene chewing of some of Britain's hammiest actors.

Starring Daniel Radcliffe, years before he gave everyone a good long look at his Nimbus 2000, Emma Watson and some kid who makes Ron Howard look swarthy, Harry Potter and the Something of Something Else is the most fun you'll have giving J.K. Rowling yet more of your money this year!

Mike, Kevin and Bill Dumbledore their way through a Hagrid of laughs in this, the Hogwartiest of all RiffTrax! (We have no idea what any of that means!)

Have a Happy Life Day! And nothing kicks off a memorable Life Day quite so much as watching the legendary Star Wars Holiday Special receive a fully deserved Rifftrax treatment! Yes, all your favorite Wookies are here: there's Chewbacca, Malla, Itchy, Lumpy and Art Carney.

Tony Award Winner and Oscar nominated Diahann Carroll as a singing holographic prostitute who services Grandpa Itchy. And Bea Arthur stretches her talent by playing a woman. Not only that, there are commercials from 1978 that will come close to convincing you that "1978" is fairly synonymous with "Hell".

"But, Rifftrax," you say, "Rifftrax, please - The Star Wars Holiday Special is not commercially available. How am I supposed to watch this?!" Well, we assume you taped it off the TV back in 1978 using your 130 pound top loading Panasonic NV-9300 U-Matic VCR, just like we did. If not, what were you thinking? Stop right now and GO Out and Get Looking for onE.

Because we taped ours off of the television set, and our NV-9300 doesn't have an "edit" function printed on one of its dozens of plastic piano key-style switches, we just left the commercials in there.

(We're sure the International Ladies Garment Workers Union won't mind.) So ours is two hours long and has a descriptive scroll on the front end, just like the one you can Get frOm yOur friend Greg, in LakE VIDEO, Illinois. (Don't look it up, they don't like to draw attention to themselves in Lake Video.)

Bill, Mike, and Kevin make this the itchiest, lumpiest Life Day of them all!

Original film made in 1978.

The Fantastic Four are back! Or the Fantastic Four is back! Depending upon whether one is referring to the title of the film, the four individuals who are fantastic and number four, or the group of four fantastic people who use that title! The point is, they're back! And this time, unlike the first, there's a surfer made out of silver and he rises! It's fantastic!

And if you're a fan of repulsive, waxy-faced Australian Prime Minister's sons as ineffectual villains, then you're in clover, because this film is packed with them (well, it has one, total). But FF:ROTSS has much more going for it.

The fact that we can't think of a single thing does not in the least bit undermine our claim that it has a lot more going for it, because it does. Have a LOT more going for it. SO BUY OR RENT IT TODAY! IT'S FANTASTIC TIMES FOUR (rising of silver surfer included with every purchase).*

*You might want to buy the RiffTrax that Mike, Kevin and Bill made to accompany the film because to watch it sans RiffTrax is to commit an act of monstrous, suicidal recklessness.

There have been many, many Plan 9s all throughout history, some of them more successful than others, all of them terrestrial - it took a man with the vision of Ed Wood to show us the very real horrors of a Plan 9 from Outer Space!

Starring Dudley Manlove as an alien who looks as though he regularly dishes out generous helpings of Manlove, and a giant sack of animate suet called Tor Johnson as inspector Dan Clay, Plan 9 lays out a bold tale of aliens who come to earth and yell at us in a shrill and undignified manner.

This is the new, vastly improved Plan 9 that brought down the house as a live show at the historic Castro theater in San Francisco. Mike, Kevin and Bill at long last take on the legendary Ed Wood classic in a new, soon to be classic Rifftrax.

Crossroads. Battlefield Earth. A Visit to Santa. As if the RiffTrax audience hasn’t suffered enough, we put to them the extraordinarily challenge of writing us a script for what is universally considered to be the source of all evil and suffering in the world, Batman & Robin.

Incredibly, they accepted. (We intentionally mumbled the words “Batman & Robin” every time we brought it up and it seems to have worked.)

Yes, Chris Hanel and James Whistler of Riff Raff Theater bravely spearheaded this COMPLETELY FAN WRITTEN RIFFTRAX! Mike, Kevin and Bill merely act out the gags, jokes, Arnold impressions, and most of all, the bitter contempt, all written by you, the fans. (Assuming you are both a fan and a participant. If not please amend and/or disregard.)

Hear the crew kick some serious ice in this, the first ever fan-written Rifftrax!

Original film made in 1997.

Every quarter century or so a project comes along that so perfectly unites artist and medium that one can only stand in wonder and proclaim, "Wow, Sandra, when was the last time something this magical came along - quarter century or so, wasn't it?"

So it was with Michelangelo and marble; Paderewsky and piano; And so it is with this RiffTrax, uniting THE legendary dinosaur movie of our time and THE weirdest "Weird Al" Yankovic of our time into one harmonic convergence of RiffTastic Jurassic WeirdAlistic bliss!

RiffTrax would like to say, timidly and with all humility, YOU MUST GET THIS RIFFTRAX! IT'S WEIRD AL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU CAN FIND COPIES OF JURASSIC PARK ON BUS SEATS! Mike and Weird Al join forces on the most colossally funny RiffTrax yet!

*As with all RiffTrax, this was tailored to be age appropriate to the movie itself. That is, we feel confident saying that if you're old enough to enjoy Jurassic Park, you're old enough to enjoy this RiffTrax.

Original film made in 1993.

Like a previously worn diaper, The Matrix has been Reloaded! All your favorite characters are back wearing all your favorite unlaundered fetish costumes! See Trinity leap - A LOT! See Morpheus fold his hands and talk - a lot A LOT! Thrill as the Oracle and Neo have long drawn-out conversations to the effect of, "Yea, but if you know that what you know is unknowable, how can you know that what you don't know isn't unknowable, too, you know?" And this without them having consumed half a pan of magic brownies while sitting in front of an Alf marathon!

But more than anything else, Matrix Reloaded is loaded and loaded again (see diaper reference, above) with NIST Certified Assloads of Agent Smith! Hugo Weaving brings his mouthful of Busey-esque, Chicklet-y teeth to this Neo-punching, "Mr. Anderson"-saying role.

Kevin, Mike and Bill re-load the RiffTrax recording studio for another go at the most Whoa-eriffic movie franchise ever!

For years we at RiffTrax have lived under the mistaken belief that we are Beowulf. So we were shocked when a cartoon version of Ray Winstone squeezed into a tiny pair of leather battle panties (LBPs) and set us straight in no uncertain terms. And he's right - HE. IS. BEOWULF!! Though it took some getting used to the idea that we are not Beowulf, in all honesty it's been a whole lot more pleasant to come into the office and see pants where one once saw nothing but a sea of LBPs.

But if you haven't yet exceeded your limit, may we suggest you download our hilarious new RiffTrax for Beowulf in which a fully clothed Mike, Kevin and Bill take on our less than clothed hero, his extremely unclothed lizardy paramour (played with big boobs gusto by Digi-lina Jolie), and a disappointingly unclothed Anthony Hopkins.

IT! IS! FUNNY!!!

The biggest Spiderman movie of 2007 is now the biggest Spiderman-based Rifftrax of 2008*! All your favorite characters return (Hoffman, Mr. Ditkovich, Ursula) and new favorites join in the fun (Crane Operator, Emergency Room Doctor, Kid in Central Park)!

And joining Mike is writer/newspaperman/radio guy/blogger extraordinaire/podcaster/best-selling author and uber-fan of the Spiderman series James Lileks! Just what will his reaction be when he sees what they've done to his beautiful series? Will he freak out and begin hitting Mike with a folding chair? Yes, he did, but we edited that out of this ArachnaRiffic Rifftrax and left only the funny!

*Unless we do Spiderman 2.

"What if a monster attacked a city?" This is the shockingly novel concept behind the viral marketing triumph of the year! Filled with "fresh"* performances and "authentic"** cinematography, Cloverfield masterfully takes a page from The Blair Witch Project, reworking the "snotty 20-somethings endure trauma while repeatedly saying 'dude'" genre into something unique while still being very much the same. Look for star turns by That Girl Who Was in Mean Girls and That One Dude Who Played Eric in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Mike, Kevin and Bill's RiffTrax was found by the Department of Defense (and then thrown away, but we dug it out of a garbage can.)

*Not very good.

**Not good at all.

Let's not get into the contentious issue of exactly who is Legend. R&B singer John Legend thinks he is Legend; the Tom Cruise movie Legend think it is Legend; "I Am" thinks it's Legend; and Matthew McConaughey is as certain that he is Legend as he is that his butt looks awesome in bike shorts. (RiffTrax remains neutral, of course, but if RiffTrax was forced to comment, we'd say that Brian Bosworth is Legend.) No matter, the movie making the claim that it is Legend makes a strong case, bringing a pretty slick PowerPoint presentation featuring lots of shirtless Will Smith, a dog that can act, and plenty of slim-hipped digital zombies.

Confronted with it all, Mike, Bill and Kevin slip into their own panic room and unseal a number 10 can of low-sodium whoop-ass (in heavy syrup.)

The epic story of tiny men doing very important things continues.* In this multi-hour installment the two very different towers come into sharp focus. You see, whereas one tower is the domain of a once great but now evil sorcerer who rules over an army of orcs and is bent on destroying man and taking possession of the One Ring, the other tower is the domain of a once great but now evil sorcerer who rules over an army of orcs and is bent on destroying man and taking possession of the One Ring, but - BUT - his name begins with an "S", and also contains the letters "a", "u", "r", "n", whereas the other tower guy's name begins with an "S", contains the letters "a", "u", "r", and "n" HAS NO "m" AND ADDS AN "o"! And the differences don't end there: one of the guy's names is seven letters whereas the other has six!

Mike, Kevin, and Bill strap on the wizard's hats, snap into some fortifying lembas and head on the down the road that goes ever on and on...

*"The hobbits' quest to destroy the cursed ring" not "Martin Short, Michael J. Fox and Danny DeVito's performances in 'Mars Attacks'".

M. Night Shalalalalalalalalalala-tee-da burst onto the scene with the biggest suspense thriller of 1999 (well, right behind a relatively short list of films that includes Analyze This, Wild Wild West and Varsity Blues.) Haley Joel Osment delivers the most miraculous performance ever given by a toddler (he was just 18 months old when he was nominated for the Oscar!) and Bruce "The Return of Bruno" Willis turns in yet another trademark performance as a guy who seems sort of tired and annoyed. When a guy in his underpants shoots a child psychiatrist (who, to be clear, was also wearing underpants, he just happened to have pants on over them) his life is turned upside down (the guy wearing pants over his underpants, that is, not the guy only wearing underpants.) Why does his wife seem withdrawn and narcoleptic? Why do the local children taunt him and call him "Casper"? Why does he seem tired, run down, just sort of dead?

Watch along with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they unlock the most unlockablest secrets of "The Sixth Sense".*

*This is the 1999 film, not the 1972 TV show starring Gary Collins. Gary Collins apologizes for the confusion.

Harry Potter is back with the second installment in the franchise that is worth more than the Tolkien, Roddenberry and Herge estates combined! Part Two lays the groundwork for the stunning revelation that shook the series: that the guy who plays Ron absolutely, 100% cannot act. I mean, that performance? What the hell was that? Every scene he's in looks like someone from Are You Being Served forced at gunpoint to mug at a level that would make the cast of Police Academy blush. If they were to spin Ronald McDonald's friend Grimace off into a series titled The Grimace Hour it would have less grimacing per hour than Ron in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets (approximate number of hours in movie: five.)

Watch Ron pull one face after another as he teams up with Harry, Hermione, Hagrid, and Hagar the Horrible to outwit an army of spiders, battle a giant lizard, and encounter an emo-chick who lives in a toilet. And what would a Harry Potter movie be without Quidditch? Answer: Better.

Mike, Kevin, Bill and their respective self-mutilating house elves are here to riff until the Secret of the titular Chamber is revealed!

For most of us, the experience of waking up in a strange motel room, alone and disoriented, means that you were the victim of Chinese Organ Thieves. Inconvenient, sure, but kidneys are replaceable.* And how often does it really happen?** For Leonard Shelby, however, this scenario was just another part of his daily routine.

You see, Leonard suffers from a rare form of amnesia, usually only found in protagonists in works of fiction. Unable to form any new memories, Leonard stumbles around Southern California, vowing after every meal that he will never eat a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish again. To be fair, he does have a slightly more pressing agenda than eating pre-formed patties of vague seafood: the attack that rendered him an amnesiac also resulted in the death of his wife. Through an intricate system of tattoos and notes to himself, he hopes to one day track down the killer and after making him beg for mercy, ask them who they are, why he has this gun and if they know directions to the nearest McDonalds.

Also, at one point in time during the movie, a peripheral character muses that Leonard’s condition must be like living your life backwards. Despite this being a barely coherent thought muttered by a bearded motel attendant, it's evidently license enough to tell you the entire story in reverse, making this Mike, Kevin and Bill's first ever xarTffiR!

*Just talk to the delivery guy from the Chinese food place down the street
**Every time you order from that Chinese food place

Take Ocean's Thirteen, pare down its cast to a trim Ocean's Twelve, then take away one more and you've got Ocean's Eleven, the swingingest, hippest, don't-they-look-like-they're-having-fun movie since Cannonball Run II! And though it was long ago mathematically proven that Mike is the least hip person who has ever lived or will ever live, he was able to up his swank quotient considerably by enlisting the talents of Las Vegas lounge singer extraordinaire, Guest Riffer Richard Cheese!

Nelson's Two takes on Ocean’s Eleven and its viva lots of laughs, baby! (Ow, it physically hurt to type that.)

The most adorable pirates you've ever seen take to the high seas to do battle with an army of walking skeletons to see who is thinner. With a team consisting of Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom they can't possibly lose! Geoffrey Rush gives it his all -- that is he does his best impression of the pirate mascot standing outside the Long John Silver's at a strip mall in Oakbrook, Illinois, and respected actor Jonathan Pryce as the girlish British governor risks being stripped of the descriptive "respected".

Mike, Kevin and Bill strap on the cutlasses and swing away!

In the tradition of I, Robot comes I, Ronman, the story of a shy college student who is bitten by a radioactive guy named Ron. Our hero's DNA is transformed, his body taking on the attributes of Ron until - hang on. Apparently we got that wrong and there's nothing remotely that cool going on here. It's Iron Man and from what we're told it's just a guy in a metal suit. Kind of looks like a Transformer. Fights another guy who looks like a Transformer. And you get to see Gwyneth Paltrow's back. And it's directed by the guy who did Zathura.

Not only that, it made a gajillion dollars, no doubt because people got confused and thought they were seeing I, Ronman.

But Mike, Kevin and Bill put aside their collective disappointment over it not being I, Ronman and give it the most iron fortified RiffTrax yet!

The Happening is a departure for director M. Night Shyamalan: he abandons his trademark conceit of the twist ending to tell a straight-forward tale of horror. It's like going to a Gallagher show where he refuses to smash watermelons with a giant mallet. The only difference is that Gallagher's comedy is grim and depressing and The Happening is hilarious.

Yes, the plants of the Northeastern United States are fed up with how we've been treating them and decide to simultaneously release a toxin that causes humanity to commit suicide in various comical ways. Evidently this is something that is entirely scientifically valid, because a hot-dog obsessed lunatic says so at one point in time during the movie. Mark Wahlberg baffles as a Lemon Drink-eyeing science teacher and the part of Zooey Deschanel is ably played by a Tarsier. Mike, Kevin and Bill lend intentionally funny riffs to this masterpiece of unintentional comedy. (Unless there's some sort of real-life Happening, in which case they pre-emptively announce their allegiance to the plants.)

The most beloved franchise in film history returns to the screen and quickly becomes one generally well-liked franchise among many in film history! Yes, Indy is back, and this time he has a skull. And he has Shia "Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd" LaBeouf's infectious logorrhea! And as promised, the filmmakers gave in to the forceful and ceaseless cries of "GIVE US MORE RAY WINSTONE!"* Mike, Bill and Kevin took their own skulls into the studio to create a RiffTrax for the ages!

*Experts concede that demand for Ray Winstone may have been overstated. In fact, the cries have been traced back to one guy, Bill Tillerstot of Port Washington, Wisconsin, and his actual quote was "Give us NO Ray Winstone."

All your favorite X-people return as Magneto, Cerebro, Pyro, Columbo, Tonto, Pinocchio, and Jell-O do battle to determine who can look more ludicrous. Everyone wins! And because these are officially the silliest roles ever created we are lucky to have British and Australian actors stepping in to do the jobs Americans won't do. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen sink their teeth into their performances as though they were big helpings of spotted dick, and Huge Ackman scowls constantly like some sort of small angry mammal. As far as plot, this is essentially Angels in America with silly hats.

Mike, Kevin and Bill form their own justice league to give this movie what for!

The story of the Hulk is a complex one but we can know a few things for sure: Hulk smash and... well, that's about it. The Ed Norton version doesn't add much new information (Hulk smash, we already knew that), nor did Ang Lee's (Hulk bore.) In order to get the full picture we must revisit the beloved late 70's TV version, specifically the episode "The Final Round" (Season 1, Disc 2, Episode 3 for those Netflixing), in which we learn that Hulk befriend untalented boxer who literally dumber than half-full bag of hammers. Oh, and, Hulk smash in slow motion.

Mike, Kevin and Bill riff!

If you can spare a minute, think back on the greatest work of cinema that you have ever seen. Did you think about The Dark Knight? No? Then you are a moron. Because while you were out doing whatever it is morons do...demolition derbies or...croquet, (we wouldn't know, we loved The Dark Knight), The Dark Knight pimp-slapped Andy Dufresne, spat in the Godfather's face and gave Charles Foster Kane a big ol' wedgie on its way to becoming the greatest movie of all time.

All this in spite of the bat suit causing our hero to grumble like the offspring of Tom Waits and Cookie Monster. There is nothing at all silly about that. We here at RiffTrax regret even having to point out that he sounds like your Great Aunt Vivian sending you out for her third pack of Pall Malls of the day. Because The Dark Knight is not just a superhero movie. It's a gritty crime drama about political corruption and the choices men make that just happens to involve a superhero. A superhero millionaire that dresses as a bat whose voice sounds like your cat heaving up a hairball into your slippers who battles a guy with half a face named Two-Face.

Despite all this, Mike, Kevin and Bill are ready to take on...(reverent pause)...The Greatest Movie of All Time.*

• Source: The Internet

Summer is over—time to get back to evil school with Harry, Hermione, Ron, Sirius Black, Mrs. McGonagall, Filch, Splat, Wang, Timothy Q. Diaperhat, Professor Waddle Von Funkenskull, The Right Reverend Boo Smoothandle, Dr. and Mrs. Walrus V. Chowderboot and all the rest! This time around (the 6th, if we're not mistaken) Harry must battle an ancient curse and the desire to play Quidditch for three quarters of the film. Ron, in the meantime, discovers that his face is capable of hideous contortions as yet unexplored, Dumbledore awakes to find that he's gained a good deal of weight, and respected actress Emma Thompson sets out to prove that the respect is wholly misplaced.

Thankfully, this movie has been certified 100 percent Dobby-free!

Mike, Kevin and Bill wave their wands at the screen—and the result is magiclarious!*

*We think that means magic and hilarious, but our research team is still working on it.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (Marin County, to be exact) George Lucas sparked up his favorite bong, kicked back in a bean bag chair and several gurgles later came up with the idea that would become the greatest movie of all time.* The story should be familiar to everyone: a moisture farmer leaves his beloved moisture farm (after a terrible moisture stampede), flies to the planet of Mos Def and eventually rescues a princess from the clutches of the evil Moff and destroys the horribly named Death Star. Who knew that the humble moisture farmer's name would soon be on the lips of kids the world over: yes, Biggs Darklighter, hero of the rebellion. (Or was it Jek Porkins—we forget?)

Now that marijuana (aka "reefer", "bud", "stick", "whoopie doopie", "happy grass", "tingle weed", "Abe Lincoln", "the halt", "muffin", "chew", "altoid", "the Fonz", "little Ricky", "sleestack", "chumba wumba", "red dynamite", "the oaf", "fat man", "little boy", "Richard Milhouse Nixon", "Area 51") has been eliminated as a scourge, it's interesting to go back and look at the film that was almost singlehandedly responsible for its demise. Yes, Reefer Madness let the world know that even a single dose of marijuana (aka "whip scorpion", "Batman", "Holyfield vs. Lewis", "the Kremlin", "babelfish", "Mason Reese", "chowhound", "slab bacon") caused insane laughter, enhanced skill at ragtime piano, the inability to avoid hitting old men with your car, and defenestration.

Mike, Kevin and Bill light up...THE STUDIO to take on Reefer Madness.

Original film made in 1936.

Fans of shops of horrors will love this nostalgic look back, before the days of the massive chain stores, and big box horror shops. In the old days, horror shopkeepers gave you the personal touch; they knew your name, asked about your kids, were always ready with a smile... before killing you, chopping you up and feeding you to their monstrous plant. Little Shop features a powerhouse performance -- as the diminutive nerd Seymour Krelboin -- by diminutive nerd Jonathan Haze, and as always, the sumptuous cinematography, lavish production values and white knuckle pacing that are the hallmark of director Roger Corman.

Kevin, Mike, and Bill invite you to come inside their little shop of RiffTrax and have a look around.

Original film made in 1960.

Long before lunatic millionaires Michael Jackson, Richard Branson or Rick Rockwell, there was Frederic Loren (Vincent Price), an eccentric, unhappily married fop who offers a huge cash prize to anyone who can stay overnight in the house on Haunted Hill (the house, by sheer coincidence having nothing whatsoever to do with its location on a haunted hill, is haunted). The guests have to contend with hauntings, a sparsely stocked bar, and a huge cistern filled to brimming with flesh dissolving acid (the previous owner evidently tired of hauling his excess flesh to commercial flesh dissolving operations.) The film's many twists and turns will keep you guessing! (How many twists and turns? Well, say, two twists and maybe one turn, if you want to be generous about it.)

Mike, Bill and Kevin take up his offer, pack their Star Wars sleeping bags and spend a wild night in the House on Haunted Hill.

Imagine being holed up in a filthy dilapidated building, surrounded by pale-faced hollow-eyed creatures, unable to call for help, while before your eyes zombie-like beings commit the most unspeakable acts. Yes, a night of performance art at your local coffee house is something to be endured. But then so is a Night of the Living Dead! Shocking at the time for its graphic portrayal of the titular living dead feasting on pieces of the dead dead without even a hint of table manners or personal hygiene, what is most startling to modern sensibilities is the performance of the guy in the white pants who looks like Joaquin Phoenix. He manages to actually be worse than Joaquin Phoenix! And if you're a fan of inexplicably hostile, growling men then you have hit the jackpot (you may even throw away your laserdisc collection of the films of Robert Loggia!).

Mike, Kevin and Bill spend the better of a night with the Night of the Living Dead.

More than a decade before Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and The Other Guy actually landed on the moon, Missile to the Moon made giant leaps for both man AND mankind with its daring portrayal of how the first lunar voyage might play out. It turned out to have gotten a lot of the details right. Except that instead of a meticulously planned journey that took NASA countless man hours to achieve, the impromptu trip of Missile to the Moon takes place on a crazy old man's whim, and four of the five participants wander aboard the ship by accident. Also, where Missile to the Moon portrayed the moon as a dynamic backdrop for intrigue, love, betrayal, and deception, when our guys got to the moon, they sort of just looked around for a while, hit a golf ball or two, then got the hell back to Earth to try and catch Carson. And the real moon also turned out not to be crawling with beauty queens, giant spiders and hideous rock men. Just dust.

Just speak the word "jaws" to anyone and their pulse quickens, the hair on the back of their neck stands up as a dim memory rises to the surface of their consciousness - a memory of the first time they saw Murray Hamilton. Most likely it was in an episode of B.J. and the Bear, or perhaps The F.B.I with Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., but if not that, then his turn as the sartorially resplendent, gravelly voiced mayor of Amity in Jaws, the movie that made a generation of people afraid to go into the water (they were justifiably terrified of getting a skin disease from coming in contact with Quint's run-off.) Yes, long before blockbusters like Spider-Man 2, Shrek the Third, or Garden State there was Jaws, the story of small town mayor Larry Vaughn (played by the magnificent Murray Hamilton) and his quest to find the perfect jacket to wear while resisting the whining of Richard Dreyfuss. There is also a shark.

Mike, Bill and Kevin cruise the movie like a large squalus grabbing it with their powerful—oh, what's the word for it...mandibles - then, a little shakin', a little tenderizin', and down it goes.

Most carnival going experiences follow roughly the same pattern: some trouble-maker suggests it and, due to alcohol use or lack of personal will power, you ignore the alarm claxon blaring in your head and hop in the car. Six hours later you stumble through the exit smelling of sweat, rancid corn dog oil, cigarette smoke and vomit, roach clips in your hair, breathing in the mercury-laden fumes of a huge Chinese-made stuffed giraffe and praying for your own death. The Carnival of Souls is a lot like that, only with the addition of organ music!

Yes, this is Herk "Shake Hands with Danger" Harvey's timeless classic about a mouth breathing church organist who drives to Utah in order to have coffee with a greasy warehouse worker. Mike, Bill and Kevin load into the car, their pockets jingling with fresh souls and spend a few hours at the carnival!

As the old song goes, "I love a parade." However, this was undoubtedly spoken by someone under torture or extreme mental duress. Parades for most people evoke memories of the many raised welts, received at the hands of the crazed, hard candy-throwing Shriners tooling around on their infernally loud 2-cycle-powered magic carpets (man, they were sadistic!) These were almost always accompanied by Sousa, performed badly by teenagers in large fur hats (good Sousa is trying enough). And then there's the clowns. For the love of all that is good and holy, the clowns! A mind-splitting terror beyond anything cooked up by the foulest demons of Gehenna, clowns!!

Luckily, there are no clowns in Swing Parade—there are Stooges! With clowns, all is darkness and torment. With Stooges, all is goodness, bliss, and the occasional scratched cornea. And man, does this parade swing!

Mike, Kevin and Bill really bring the riffs, daddy!

Original film made in 1946.

Your favorite sand-phobic, midichlorian-rich super villain is back! And this time his capes are even more fabulous, his thigh-high Uggs resplendent like never before, and his burnt chicken head cloaked in the shiniest plastic helmet yet! And if that wasn't enough, Mike, Kevin and Bill are pleased to be joined by Darth Vader's bellicose but lovable brother Chad! Yes, the movie that gave us one of cinema's most startling revelations, and perhaps the most memorable silver screen quote ever ("I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me") gets the RiffTrax treatment.

Lots of laughs. Lots of Chad Vader. And no pod racing.

RiffTrax was caught up in the Twilight frenzy, and not surprisingly, given that we are staffed almost exclusively by 13 year-old girls. So when we heard rumors of the feature film—the whispers of John Goodman being cast as Edward were especially worrying—we sent so many texts beginning "OMG!!!1!!!!11!!" we nearly shut down our SMS service.

At the movie's premiere we were there among the throngs, shrieking with girlish glee when Robert Pattinson got out of his limo (it turns out we had mistakenly gone to the premiere of The Changeling and were actually shrieking for John Malkovich, but the point still stands.) And when it was finally released on DVD we ruined our first three copies by hugging them too much.

But we've overcome these obstacles to give you the best RiffTrax for a sparkly-emo-vampire film that we know how to make, and we say with as much humility as we can muster, that's a pretty darn good sparkly-emo-vampire RiffTrax! Turn off that Ashley Tisdale download, tell the clerk at Hot Topic you'll buy that hoodie later, and cozy up with Mike, Kevin and Bill for the mopiest RiffTrax ever!

When a spaceship full of hairy people crashes on an unknown planet, it's not enough that the surviving members look a lot like the Starland Vocal Band (it is a help, of course, but not sufficient for their survival). They must forge off on a non-stop mission of wandering around doing nothing in particular, not saying anything particularly noteworthy, and not looking particularly attractive or interesting. However, they do provide a tasty and nutritious snack for some pretty sweet looking stop-motion dinosaurs! Their routine deaths become a challenge to their intrepid captain, who prefers to rule by whining, equivocation and frequent "rest periods." This leaves him vulnerable to a coup by the crew's most hirsute member, Jim, who presses the enormous advantage provided him by what looks like a beard made out of 2-dollar-a-yard fun fur.

Kevin, Bill and Mike sharpen some sticks, put on their least smelly animal furs and prepare to poke at the Planet of Dinosaurs.

Original film made in 1977.

One of the things we like to do here at RiffTrax (during those rare moments when we're not absorbed by our frequent, mandatory company-wide Schnappi sing-alongs) is to challenge ourselves. Sure, it's easy enough to make hay out of a bear-suited Nicholas Cage, but what really tests one's mettle is to see how he reacts when he's staring down the business end of THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. Yes, our respect and admiration for Casablanca is unbounded, but if our motto—We Don't Make Movies, We Make Them Funny—is to have any meaning at all then it must be tested by fire. So we offer you this, our first in a series of RiffTrax Challenges, where we step outside our comfort zone (our comfort zone, by the way, is a large rumpus room here at RiffTrax Towers, with lots of bean bag chairs, thick shag carpet and a huge supply of Cheddar 'n' Bacon Easy Cheese) for our equivalent of a corporate "team-building" exercise. (We tried the more traditional rafting expedition but lost half our staff. We think it was at a Mobil Station in Bakersfield, CA.)

Will Mike, Kevin and Bill triumph? Merely survive? Suffer a huge smackdown by an angry, gargantuan Sidney Greenstreet? Join us for our first ever RiffTrax Challenge to find out!

You asked for more voodoo—and we deliver, with a RiffTrax exclusive*, Voodoo Man. Young women are vanishing somewhere on the road that leads to the creepy old house of a deranged bachelor (Bela Lugosi) and his two lonely assistants. Remarkably, no one thinks to question the deranged bachelor and his two lonely assistants, so the disappearances just keep stacking up. Until one day when the blandest man alive ("Ralph", appropriately enough) uses his remarkable ability to run out of gas at just the right time and discovers their plot. The highlight for most people will be the most shameful performance of John Carradine's career as a thin, mincing idiot, and the most shameful performance of George Zucco's career (they must have had a bet going) as a voodoo priest/gas station clerk.

Mike, Kevin and Bill return to the loving (and needle tracked) arms of Bela Lugosi as Voodoo Man.

Original film made in 1944.

The typical reaction to an encounter with The Room looks something like this: puzzlement, revulsion, laughter, amazement, hunger, affection, deep depression, inability to digest milk proteins, and ultimately, an unbreakable addiction. Yes, this is the film you've probably only heard rumors about, a truly jaw-droppingly weird melodrama written, starring, produced, financed, endlessly promoted by (most famously by a high profile billboard in Los Angeles for five years), and featuring the hideous naked backside of Tommy Wiseau, the world's shaggiest and most mysterious auteur. The Room's plot seems mundane: a banker looks forward to his marriage unaware that his fiancé is cheating on him with his best friend. But beneath this quotidian veneer lurk peculiar treasures that almost literally defy description. Quite simply, you must see this.

Though this film is hard to come by your efforts to secure it will be richly rewarded. Mike, Kevin and Bill are honored to be able to join you for your first viewing of The Room.

The year was 1984. While the fascistic regime foretold by Orwell had not yet come to power the nation had been brought to its knees, the victim of repeated playings of Karma Chameleon and Sister Christian. The country needed something to believe in, something besides aerobics or Emmanuel Lewis' winning the People's Choice Award. And so they came, a ragtag group of heroes in a beat-up pickup, complete with a beat-up gun rack: Jed, Aardvark, Daryl, Arturo and their brave, though prone-to-sniveling compatriot Robert (played by the prone-to-sniveling C. Thomas Howell.) The dawn may have been a red one, but they would make sure that when the sun set, it would be red... white and blue!

Joining Mike for this very special RiffTrax is Joel McHale, the Daryl to Mike's Arturo, or perhaps the Jed to his Aardvark, or maybe the Aardvark to his Daryl. The point is, it is the perfect partnership with which to assail the enemies of freedom, i.e., the makers of Red Dawn!

Did you like the 2001 sleeper hit The Fast and The Furious, but are you really not a fan of definite articles? Then 2009's Fast & Furious is the movie for you! After the twin triumphs of The Pacifier and Babylon A.D., Vin Diesel has finally reunited with his co-star from The Fast and The Furious: a several-sizes-too-small wife-beater! Also returning is the other guy from The Fast and The Furious (legal name: The Other Guy From The Fast and The Furious), shocking those of us who were pretty confident that he was the guy that had helped us try on shoes the other day at Famous Footwear.

When his girlfriend is murdered, Vin Diesel is forced to return to the US where he is wanted for...well that isn't really made clear. But before he even has a chance to mumble something unintelligible in a really deep voice under his breath, he finds himself in the race of his life! Seriously, the races often feel like they have lasted for the duration of a human lifetime. But at least in between the interminable driving scenes we're treated to a rich, nuanced film tapestry, featuring the very finest in Stock Characters spouting refined Screenplay Clichés. If your idea of a good time is watching the Angry Chief say "Talk to me", you're in for quite a thrill ride (just make sure to "lock and load.")

Mike, Kevin and Bill hopped into the sidecar for Fast & Furious, but were concerned by the lack of seatbelts for all three of them so they instead observed it from a reasonable distance.

If you're like most of us, you stormed out of your midnight viewing of The Matrix Reloaded saying to yourself, "Man, was that terrible! When I come back in six months to see The Matrix Revolutions, they had better balance out those ponderous scenes of two characters quietly discussing the minutiae of the plot with a lot more tedious action sequences where I can't tell what is going on. And instead of involving Neo, Morpheus and Trinity, you know, the characters we care about, it should mainly focus on people we've never seen before. Like a whiny kid and a butch chick with a crew cut. Give them prominent roles! Now hurry up and refill my Dew, I already bought tickets to see this again at 2:35 AM!"

If your conversation mirrored ours in any way, then you're in luck: The Matrix Revolutions delivers on all bullet points! Abandoning all the pseudo-philosophical mumbo-jumbo that for a brief window had desperate college professors teaching lectures on the original movie, Revolutions instead dials the THX up to 11 and hopes you don't notice because your eardrums are too busy rupturing. Your enjoyment also depends heavily on understanding the plot of Reloaded, which was mathematically proven to be impossible in a Harvard study. And to top it off, there's a healthy dose of old-fashioned, ham-fisted blasphemy thrown in for good measure.

Mike, Kevin and Bill jack in to deliver The Matrix series a hearty goodbye "whoa."

When we heard that Korean studio Younggu-Art Movies was making a picture called Dragon Wars, we were both excited and disgusted at the same time. Excited because we have had many conversations about which Korean movie studio would direct our "dream" dragon movie, and the name Younggu-Art Movies just kept coming up. But we were also disgusted, because the movie title failed to provide its own abbreviation as part of the title.

This is a major gripe that we have with just about every single movie that has ever come out: Abbreviations of a movie's title should always be included as part of the title. In today's busy web 2.0 world, who has time to refer to anything by its whole name? However, we run into trouble when movies don't specify how we should abbreviate their titles, and competing, non-standard abbreviations are adopted. Fortunately, our disgust was misguided, as Dragon Wars bucks the trend and includes its own abbreviation in the title: D-War. A true abbreviation, where Dragon becomes D and Wars becomes War, Dragon Wars: D-War provides the consumer with something so sorely missing from movie titles today: Choice.

So whether you choose to experience the fantastical creatures and hi-octane action sequences of Dragon Wars, or prefer the ancient story of a love that knows no bounds of D-War, you must know one thing: this D-movie D-bites D-hard.

Mike, Kevin and Bill decided to D-riff Dragon Wars: D-War, because a fan in attendance at our 2009 Comic-Con panel suggested it. The moral of the story? Don't do that.

Original film made in 2007.

At its heart, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a love story. A love story between two dogs, Mojo and Frankie, who are shown humping several times in the first fifteen minutes of the movie*. Stunningly, this remains a highlight over the next two hours of movie. We don't see much of the dogs after their owner, Shia LaBeouf, leaves for college, but we found our thoughts frequently drifting back to them as the human characters dropped their pants, ran into things, and stammered incoherently. Who was feeding the dogs? Were they getting along with the other dogs at the dog park? How was Frankie adapting to the new diet the vet had put him on back in June?

Sadly, these questions go unanswered. In fact, any question you may have regarding Transformers will go unanswered, because Transformers movies are not in the business of answering your questions. Transformers movies are like the street corner rantings of a tinfoil hat wearing lunatic. You don't expect that guy to actually stop and explain to you what he meant by "The IRS built Yellowstone National Park on the same evening 180 years ago that the Lizard People shot down Sputnik with a rifle made from Avogadro's Number!" You just slink past him and try to wash the spittle off of your jacket when you get home. The same applies for Transformers. Don't you dare ask it "How did these characters whose names I don't know get to this location and what is their purpose once they get there and who is punching who right now?" Just lie back and think of the dogs. Focus on the dogs...Always on the dogs...

The tinfoil hat guy gave Mike, Kevin and Bill's riffing of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen two thumbs up, a rating he had previously only given to a shopping cart wheel that he believed influenced the 2004 presidential election.

*This is not a joke

On the cold, starry night of April 14, 1912, in the iceberg-infested waters of the frigid North Atlantic, a shocking and utterly disturbing event occurred. We’re referring, of course, to the sullying of a beautiful 1912 Renault limousine by Jack Dawson and Rose Bukater.

Yes, the film Titanic is less about the epic tragedy of the same name, and more about one of the most unlikely, unbelievable, and shortest on-screen romances of all time. She’s a gal from the upper echelons of society. He’s a guy from steerage. The ship’s crew would never let him roam the upper-class decks to meet her, let alone caress her lovingly at the front of the ship. And yet it happens, and we are the worse for it…

The original 5 hour version screened in test markets was a resounding failure. In that cut, Rose makes some room on the floating door, and Jack survives to marry her. Then we are treated to an over-hour-long epilogue in which they live together for many years in squalor and complete poverty, Jack scribbling cartoons for low-end skin magazines while wearing a grease-stained wife-beater, and Rose yelling at Jack that he should get a real job, lamenting the loss of her fortunes, and thinking she would have been better off at the bottom of the Atlantic after all.

Mike, Kevin and Bill hop aboard to bring you their most Titanic riff yet!

Oh, and may we add: Rose, Rose! Jack, Jack! Rose, this way! Jack, this way! Jack! Jack! Rose! Rose! Jack!!!

Like the odometer on your 1984 Plymouth Reliant rolling back over to zero, the Star Trek series gets a reset! The previous thirty-eight films had barely begun to scratch the surface of these fascinating characters, and so Star Trek is back to answer all your burning questions: What’s Scotty’s favorite brand of bacon? Why does no one seize the moment and slap the hell out of Chekov? Why does Uhura jam that huge piece of machined steel into her ear? Was Spock’s mom younger than him, and which uncle taught him that nerve pinchy thing?

A tour de force of shameless retconning, Star Trek nevertheless introduces a bold new sci-fi innovation: time travel! And black holes! And characters meeting themselves! And ice planets! And evil nemeses who vow revenge! And ship flybys! These are by themselves very compelling reasons to watch, but Star Trek gives you an even more compelling one—to learn Uhura’s first name. Sure, you never knew she didn’t have a first name, it was never an issue for you, and you haven’t even given it one millisecond’s thought, but at last you get to find out! (It’s Nyota, by the way.)

Mike, Kevin and Bill self-consciously tug down their red Federation uniform tops and go boldly into Star Trek!

Original film made in 2009.

Unless you regularly do mushrooms and go to Lady Gaga concerts with your good friend Crispin Glover, then watching Maniac is guaranteed to be the weirdest experience you have ever had. (Not since The Room has a film had such a deep impact on the staff of RiffTrax, so much so that the images in Maniac temporarily dislodged from our minds the mercurial Tommy Wiseau, the stark horror of Chris-R., even the enchanting beauty of Lisa!)

Maniac starts conventionally enough, when a Vaudeville-impersonator-turned-lab-assistant-to-a-mad-scientist refuses his bosses reasonable request that he shoot himself in the heart and offer his corpse as an experimental subject. After that, it starts to get strange. A disturbed patient who thinks he is the orangutan from Poe's The Murders in the Rue Morgue is mistakenly given super-adrenaline (which evidently exists) causing him to give one of the most eccentric performances in the history of film. Meanwhile, the mad scientist's next door neighbor is disturbed because one his cats is missing from his cat ranch, where he harvests their fur after feeding their flesh to the rats (which he feeds to the next generation of cats, and so on.) After that, the offbeat aspects of Maniac really kick in.

We caution you that Maniac is not for the faint of heart. There is brief, partial, creepy, music-free, 1930's nudity (mercifully, the emphasis is on "brief"), plenty of cat-on-cat violence, and a scene in which our hero pops out the eyeball of his own lab cat and snacks on it. That said, it's probably tamer than any given episode of Top Chef and you would really be depriving yourself of something special if you let that keep you from this very, very unique and hilarious journey, with Mike, Bill and Kevin as your guides, into the heart of RiffTrax madness known as Maniac.

Tired of horror clichés like empty parking garages, gypsy curses, and séances gone wrong? Drag Me To Hell sure isn’t! Wide-eyed ingénue Alison Lohman (featured in…some other films, presumably) navigates the heady politics of a small bank branch while voluntarily maintaining a relationship with Justin Long (Mac Guy , “funny person”). Yes, with a life like that, a refreshing trip to Hell is just what the doctor ordered!

Fortunately, condemnation is easy as pie—an oozing, eyeball-filled pie that director Sam Raimi will throw in your face! Because stuff like that is hilarious. Or maybe scary? Or probably neither. But back to the Hell-dragging: it turns out gypsies are not the most reasonable people, and will sentence you to eternal suffering for any minor infraction. Refuse to extend my credit? Drag you to Hell! Cut me off on the freeway? Hope you like dry heat! Politely suggest that Evening Shade** wasn’t the greatest television show ever produced? Let me introduce you to your new roommate, Adolf “always leaves the seat up” Hitler!

Join Mike and Bill on this sentimental excursion down Hell Lane (Kevin dodged the bullet on this one thanks to an unassailable “no Justin Long” clause in his contract—well played, sir). Just watch out for falling anvils and, really, just copious amounts of eyeball splatter.

** All of our research suggests that Evening Shade is universally beloved in gypsy circles. This will never be confirmed nor denied, as gypsies don’t use the internet.

Return of the Jedi. For sixteen years, it was widely regarded as the worst chapter in the Star Wars saga. We now look back upon this period of time, appalled and embarrassed at how naive we were. For while Return of the Jedi may be slow to get started, while it may delay the final confrontation between Luke and Vader in favor of an endless Ewok/Stormtrooper battle, while it may feature C3PO as its main character for the first twenty minutes and while it may have killed off Salacious Crumb instead of making him the focus of the entire movie, consider this: nobody utters the line "Yippee".

Return of the Jedi begins where The Empire Strikes Back left off: with George Lucas deciding which scenes to ruin by inserting a musical number by a hideous creature named Sy Snootles, who sounds like Disembaudio did before he took singing lessons. The dance scene is vital to the plot: how were we, the audience members supposed to know whether or not Jedi rocked, unless there was a song included in the movie named "Jedi Rocks"? Yes, the song is sung in a foreign tongue and the only way you'd know it was called "Jedi Rocks" was if you bought the soundtrack, but ignoring those irrelevant points, we can finally conclude after watching six episodes of Star Wars, a task that would take up well over half of one day of your life, that Jedi do in fact, Rock.

Fans of puppets, Hutts and metal bikinis: your ship has come in. Cancel your weekend trip to the Great Pit of Carkoon, boil up a big bowl of Tatooine paddy frogs and call up your buddy Nien Numb to come sit next to you even though you don't speak the same language: we're finally riffing Return of the Jedi.

As this is the final chapter in the Star Wars saga for RiffTrax to tackle, Mike, Kevin and Bill would like to take the time to reminisce about their favorite moments in the series. Here they are in order: The time Jar Jar became a senator and the time Stinky the Hutt was kidnapped. Thank you and good night.

Terminator Salvation is the thrilling story of the journey of a once valuable franchise. When the intellectual property rights lapse after a disappointing third movie, they're snatched up at well below their estimated market value by a wacky mismatched duo of producers. The petulant star they bring on board demands to play a role that wasn't actually in the script, massive rewrites ensue, and the novice director is forced to fall back on the skills he honed directing Sugar Ray music videos. Will the franchise rise to the occasion, renewing our enthusiasm for its once beloved characters? Or will the resulting film be a cynical, calculated exercise in maximizing profitability with little regard for story or coherency?

Terminator Salvation firmly casts its lot with the latter. Christian Bale, apparently unaware that The Dark Knight had wrapped shooting, alternates between his raspiest "Harrison Ford in Firewall" whisper and barking like a mandrill/harbor seal hybrid. Fortunately, the movie turns out to not really be about him. It's actually about the guy from Avatar, the guy who played the new Chekov and a mute eight year old girl. Thrill as the resistance discovers the secret weapon that could save mankind: a specific radio frequency! Bonus points if you can identify which scene Christian Bale was taking so seriously that he unleashed the most humiliating caught-on-camera rant since Hall of Famer George Brett discussed soiling his pants. Google it.

As a result of having to endure repeated viewings of Terminator Salvation, Mike, Kevin and Bill are all done professionally with each other.

Paranormal Activity succeeds by putting the viewer in the most deviously terrifying position ever imagined by a filmmaker: captive audience to an idiot's home movie. It recreates the experience of being stuck in a room with Micah (pronounced MEEK-uh, or DOOSH-bag), the kind of guy you immediately want to start punching and never stop punching until the punching is done. The kind of guy who spends his free time at the mall, conspicuously checking out 16-year olds while chatting loudly on his Bluetooth headset about hair gels. In short, Micah is a super sweet dude.

In a hard-to-swallow supernatural twist, Micah has somehow acquired a live-in girlfriend, Katie. In any other film she would stand out as a shrill, unlikeable person, but in the twisted world ofParanormal Activity she is borderline tolerable. Katie carries some baggage, namely some sort of ghost, or demon, or...well it's not really clear. Whatever it is, it's up to no good, pulling off masterful scares such as moving keys off the counter, and gradually shifting a door while Micah and Katie sleep. By the way, get used to watching Micah and Katie sleep, because that's pretty much the whole movie. Oh, and one time they go outside and Katie sits in a chair.

Strap in for terror, or at least a steady, crushing, existential dread, as Mike, Kevin, and Bill go up against the film equivalent of sitting next to a talkative moron on a 6-hour flight: Paranormal Activity.

Twi-Hard. A once proud word that has been shockingly cheapened by over-use. It used to mean something. These days, any given twelve year old girl with Team Edward wallpaper on her iPhone can be the star of a "Vampire Fever" cover story photo in USA Today. It's not right. Just because some soccer mom blows two months of grocery funds on an elaborate face tattoo replicating the iconic "Cullen baseball" scene, that DOES NOT make her a real Twi-Hard, okay? It's something you earn. It's something you live.

Forgive our emotion on this issue, but it's just that Mike, Kevin, and Bill are probably the biggest Twilight fans on the planet. Just survey Kristen Stewart's file of restraining order requests, and see which names pop up the most (Stephenie Meyer's file is alarmingly similar). So it should surprise no one that these three sparkly warriors trekked to the theater dozens upon dozens of times to feast upon the sweet succulent cinematic nectar that is New Moon. After the fourteenth viewing, the girl at the ticket counter was unable to make eye contact with them, muttering something about "grown men" under her breath. The pimply popcorn vendor filled his friends' inboxes with texts like "OMG third time today," while the theater janitor constantly fought the urge to beat them with his mop. In a word: epic.

But the shame they endured, along with the suffering of their long-neglected wives and children, is your gain. Thanks to these endless, obsessive, life-destroying viewings, Mike, Kevin, and Bill are able to present this RiffTrax of New Moon on the eve of its DVD release. Let's just hope that, now that the ride is over, they can put their lives back together once and for all (they're not making any more of these movies, right?).

By now, everyone knows the story of how Avatar single-handedly changed moviemaking forever. Its visionary director (whose name escapes us, you know the one, he's that guy who didn't win an Oscar this year) proved that progressive films can succeed in today's marketplace. As long as progressive means "completely unoriginal and devoid of depth" and the high praise heaped upon the work is entirely based upon it being nice to look at. In this sense, Megan Fox is a progressive actress, and The Hills was the most important television show of the last 10 years. It is truly a bold, experimental piece of work, keeping in mind that crystal meth and fat substitute Olestra (which brought the phrase "anal leakage" into our lexicon) were also the results of experimentation.

For those of you who haven't seen it (cricket cricket), Avatar is the story of just how pretty a jungle planet can look in 3D, and maybe there are some people fighting in it or whatever. It's also a great refresher on some of your favorite 90s action movie dialogue clichés.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill implore you to "GO GO GO!" and "MOVE MOVE MOVE!" lest you be "s*** out dead without warning" before enjoying Avatar!

Widely considered to be one of the five or six best Harry Potter movies, Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire is a breath of fresh air for a series that desperately needed one. Casting aside the familiar tropes of the first three movies in favor of bold new innovations such as Quidditch, a sinister new faculty member and dragons, The Goblet of Fire leaves the viewer wanting more! And then continues for another hour and a half...

We welcome aboard dynamic new characters such as Viktor Krum, who has a line or two; Fleur Delacour, who the books made seem a lot hotter; and Madame Maxime, who engages in a romance with Hagrid. One has to imagine blackmail, a bar bet, or a fetish so vile we dare not speak its name played a major role in that one.

Will Harry enter the prestigious Triwizard Cup tournament? Let's just get this out of the way: yes, of course he will. Will he win, let alone survive it? Again: yes. Will a student actually die, justifying all the jokes we've made about this series over the years? And if so, will that student be portrayed by a previously unknown actor who went on to become one of the most universally loathed characters in one of the most universally loathed series of the past three decades? We're not telling! (but you may just want to keep some champagne on ice.)

Tuck into some moldy bread and stinking salmon with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they cast their name into the Goblet of Fire, attempt to win the Triwizard Cup and get busted trying to sneak some Clash of the Titans collectors glasses out of Burger King.

One of the hardest things to do with a popular series is to give it the conclusion it deserves. Some of the greatest entertainment phenomenons of our time, be it The Sopranos, Lost or Hi Honey, I'm Home! have failed to give fans the closure that they, as uninvolved spectators watching at home for free, feel they are entitled to. The Lord of The Rings series, on the other hand has mastered the art of delivering a satisfying conclusion. And The Return of The King does it so well, in fact, that it decides to end seven or eight times.

The final chapter of one of the most beloved trilogies of all time finds our characters picking up where they left off. Frodo and Sam continue onwards towards Mt. Doom, despite Frodo increasingly appearing to Sam as a walking roast turkey. Aragorn faces down one of lifes toughest questions: whether to embrace his true destiny, or to combine three flavors of Combos into one bag and lay on the couch with his shirt off eating them. Gimli and Legolas have started an organic dog biscuit bakery in Vermont. And Mushmouth is futilely trying to convince the gang to make him the Buck Buck breaker instead of Fat Albert.

All the while, the fearsome Eye of Sauron is observing their movements in a style that can best be described as "pretty funny when you really think about it." There's also drunken table dancing, Elven poetry and a spider proboscis that you would best be served to never think about if you're ever considering venturing into the outdoors again.

The journey through Cirith Ungol is never an easy one, so it's best to join up with Mike, Kevin and Bill, who have their very own Light of Earendil*, tin of pipeweed*, and satchel of Lembas Bread**

*Can of Raid

**Big League Chew

***Bag of combos with three different flavors of Combos combined in it

The past decade has not been kind to John Travolta. It began with Battlefield Earth, and ended with the movies about the middle-aged guys on motorcycles (Wild Hogs), the middle-aged adoptive fathers (Old Dogs), the middle-aged guy who found valuable dancing shoes (Gold Clogs), the middle-aged children's book author who runs at a medium pace (Roald Jogs), and the middle-aged guys who flip milk caps in a meat storage locker (Cold Pogs).

It may seem like Travolta has gotten a raw deal from movie-going audiences. Despite the fact that he hasn't had a hit in a long time, believes some crazy things about Thetans, and is starting to resemble the batty aunt you've never seen wear anything but a muumuu, you still feel like maybe the guys deserves a fairer shake than he's gotten.

Then you revisit The Boy in the Plastic Bubble and remember that, no, he in fact doesn't. His shorts alone in the 1976 made for TV movie render him undeserving of our sympathy til the end of time. Travolta plays Todd Lubitch, a boy who was born without any immunities and cannot venture outside his sterile environment, lest he slip on a banana peel and end up on America's Funniest Home Videos. He observes the girl next door's every move through his binoculars, and she responds how all females would in this situation: be finding this cute and falling in love with him.

Along the way, we meet up with supporting characters Mr. Brady, a hybrid of William Katt/Ian Ziering, and an unaging doctor. The whole thing is set to a theme by noted orangutan dresser-upper Paul Williams, who makes modern day singers like Bon Iver seem like raging barrels of pure testosterone.

Mike, Kevin & Bill insist that you please leave them alone in their one room shack in the country, so they can riff The Boy in the Plastic Bubble to their hearts content.

Much like a scandalous private photo of a semi-famous teenage girl (what? just an example), High School Musical mysteriously showed up in the RiffTrax mailbox one day. And now we thank Efron, the ancient god of non-threatening gender ambiguity, that it did. We’d been searching for a movie that would finally address the issue of cliques in high school, something you never see in a high school film (unless you’ve seen any high school film).

RELEASE THE RIFFTRAX!! Yes, all too often a movie is reduced to a silly one-liner, a ridiculous catchphrase. This is a sad and unfair practice, demeaning to films with creative integrity and purpose. Fortunately, Clash of the Titans has neither! Upon viewing it, Sean Connery went out of his way to say “You are NOT the man now, dog!” When invited to a screening, Harrison Ford frantically searched for an excuse, finally issuing a panicked “I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!” When a friend asked Admiral Ackbar to come along and see Inception again, Ackbar suspected he was being tricked into watching this movie instead and said...well, you know what he said.
Our old Avatar friend Sam Worthington is along for the ride, maintaining his policy of only acting in front of green screens. Also, his policy of not actually acting. Also, his policy of letting his Australian accent slip through frequently, regardless of the role. Also, his policy of being a big charmless slack-jawed meathead. Also, his policy of general turdiness. Anyway, we’re big Sam Worthington fans around here.
Mike, Kevin, and Bill can’t help but think this movie would have been improved by a star from L.A. Law and a goofy mechanical owl.

A lot of bad things have come “from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan,” but we feel it’s safe to say that this one came straight from his colon. What is there to say about The Last Airbender that isn’t already said by its Rotten Tomatoes rating of 6%? A whole lot, as it turns out. It’s becoming apparent that the true genius of M. Night is finding a way to make the wrong creative decision at any given moment. Dialogue, casting, music cues, every choice in the film suggests that the once-acclaimed director has given up Alfred Hitchcock as his inspiration, and replaced him with a certain T. Wiseau. And, frankly, we couldn’t be happier. But, Mr. Shyamalan: we worked with Tommy Wiseau, we know Tommy Wiseau, and you, sir, are no Tommy Wiseau.
Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Last Airbender, the most disappointing adaptation of a beloved franchise since Mario Brothers 3: Luigi Buys Some Eggs.

Every now and then a sequel comes along that is arguably superior to the original film. The Godfather II. The Empire Strikes Back. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. But the makers of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse cleverly avoided such comparisons by just making the exact same movie a third time. You want a slack-jawed girl who can’t choose between some squinty, mopey fellows? We got it! You want a red-headed vampire lady running around causing some sort of unspecified trouble? We got it! You want a consistent mythology, or a story that builds tension and develops in any way over the course of three films? We got...uh...hey look, werewolf nipples!
All our favorites are back: Moustache Dad, Harpo, the Volvo. And really, why should anything change? If you like Big Macs, and you order a Big Mac, you want the Big Mac to taste just like every other Big Mac you’ve ever had. And if you keep eating Big Macs all the time you’ll wind up alone, unloved, with a colon that would make even Louie Anderson’s doctor say “Dear God, you’ve let yourself go.” Just like the Twilight franchise!
So settle in, get a warm plate of muffins, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse!

"Man's Greatest Achievement." This was the entirety of the note we wrote down in the official RiffTrax screening room log book for Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny.
If "Man's Greatest Achievement" doesn't do it for you, then perhaps the actual tagline from the Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny movie poster will: "What a Story!"
You will have to ignore, of course, that Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny barely contains a story, let alone a coherent thought. But you'll be willing to let this pass, since it does contain pigs, gorilla suits, paper mache birds, soiled Santa costumes, child endangerment and, of course, an Ice Cream Bunny.
What is an Ice Cream Bunny? We're not quite sure, and the movie doesn't really bother to explain. Evidently he has a fire truck with an air raid siren, and lives at a place called Pirates World. We also know that we are strongly in favor of ceding all power to it and letting it enact whatever foul agenda it desires, just as long as it lets us take a ride through Pirates World in that sweet, sweet fire truck.
It's one of the strangest and most baffling pieces of outsider art that Mike, Kevin and Bill have ever riffed, and we were only 65% kidding about that "Man's
Greatest Achievement" thing. Please join us in experiencing: Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny.

Original film made in 1972.

The ending of Christopher Nolan’s Oscar-nominated Inception left audiences with several burning, thought-provoking questions, chief among them being “When did Tom Berenger become a giant piece of boiled meat?” The film does a lot to support Mr. Nolan’s title of ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY THE GREATEST DIRECTOR OF ALL TIME ZOMG I AM SWEATY (source: Ain’t It Cool News). Who other than a true genius would think to put crucial lines of exposition in the mouth of an actor with a Japanese accent so thick he’s nigh-impossible to understand? Why, anyone who questioned the elaborate dream-logic of this film would have to be an idiot or a racist, but probably both!! (source: IMDb comment threads)

Yes, Inception is a shoo-in for the Best Picture Oscar and it will be a travesty if it doesn’t win, according to a bunch of people on the internet who haven’t actually seen any of the other nominated films but are really hoping to get around to it, maybe after they watch their Blu-Rays of The A-Team a third time.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill spent so much time watching Inception that they’re now permanently stuck in fourteenth-level dream limbo! (or maybe it was just another whiskey bender...either way we need a hose and a mop)

It’s Order of the Phoenix time and the entire gang is back! Harry, Ron, Hermione, Old Weird Harold, Beezus, Ramona, Moomintroll, Peppermint Patty, Churchy LaFemme, Handsome Pete, Kimmy Gibler, Trevor Ochmonek, Chris-R, Sawyer, CCH Pounder, The Fat Kid from “The Sandlot”, Snoopy’s brother Spike, Gobbler, Muffy the Mouse, Minkus, Van Go Lion, Two Bad, Fin Fang Foom, Ugly Naked Guy, Clamps, Yaddle, Carl Winslow, Strong Sad, Mr. Digger, Funky Kong, Error, U-God, Flute Cop, Lester Freamon, The green sumo wrestler thing from the Commodore 64 version of “Bruce Lee”, Dr. Robotnik, Earl Sinclair, Cedric Diggory...Wait, scratch that last one...

Yes, in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the series continues its descent into the dark, twisted real world problems that the wizards face. Namely, the addition of an irritating wizard named Tonks to the cast of characters.

Hogwarts is taken over by the Ministry of Magic, who installs a puppet regime in the form of Dolores Umbridge. Because if there’s one thing kids love in their fantasy novels, it’s ham-fisted satire of totalitarian regimes! Will Harry master occulmency? Will he describe his first kiss simply as “wet”? Will he severely overreact to the death of a character he had only really met a couple of times?

Will Mike, Kevin and BIll imply that Dobby has taken up pimping as a way to earn extra cash? All these questions and more will be answered in the affirmative in this RiffTrax of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix!

Birdemic: Shock and Terror is the story of a software salesman who founds his own solar energy company after cashing in his stock options. Where it differs from the countless other Hollywood tales of software salesmen who found their own solar energy companies after cashing in stock options is that occasionally birds attack and kill people.

Strong emphasis on occasionally, mind you. For while a less assured director might insist “I paid 12 dollars for these bird animations, and they’re gonna be on-screen for every frame dammit!”, Birdemic director James Nguyen instead chooses to focus on his characters. They eat meals, go to pumpkin festivals, hang out with their families, have themselves a party and every now and then make millions, buy Ferraris and date Victoria’s Secret cover models. You know, typical stuff.

The comic atmosphere is undercut, however, by the serious message Nguyen wants to impart onto the audience: the dangers of global warming. Trust us when we say that the only way that this sensitive issue could be handled more deftly is by anyone, anywhere, using any means.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror is what you’d get if the Ice Cream Bunny starred in The Happening as directed by Tommy Wiseau. Mike, Kevin and Bill invite you

to join them for this must-see RiffTrax. And do yourself a favor and experience it on Blu-Ray!

According to legend, the screenplay for cult favorite Highlander appeared when a basement-dwelling metalhead kicked over his bong in a futile attempt to stand after consuming two “share size” bags of Combos and a tube of raw cookie dough. The bong water within, which was ancient and, indeed, nearly solid, spewed forth across the shag carpeting, musty since times of old. The mystic fluid soaked all in its path, including a half-completed “Society for Creative Anachronism” application, one WWF comic book, a cassette containing Queen’s greatest hits, and two or three Dragonlance novels. From the resultant mist, which did reek mightily of Mountain Dew, the film was born. And yea, the world spoke as one: “We won’t see this in theaters but we might check it out on VHS later, maybe.”

Mike, Kevin, and Bill were dying to watch a movie about a mopey immortal cursed with loneliness since the women he loves age and die before his eyes. But then they found out there wasn’t a new Twilight movie yet, and instead took a big, hearty, Sean Connery-as-a-Spanish-Egyptian-infused hit of Highlander!

If you’re a normal, reasonable person, your knowledge of the Karate Kid franchise likely begins and ends with the following items: the phrase “Sweep the leg,” that awesome “You’re the best around” song, and the ironic Cobra Kai t-shirt you purchased online. But, lucky for you, we at RiffTrax are neither normal nor reasonable, and so we know that the richest, fattiest, saltiest meat of the series lies within Karate Kid III. Please, ignore everything you know about diminishing sequel quality, box office success, and critical acclaim, and just trust us on this one!

One can only imagine the joy a 1980s lad might feel, settling into his theater seat to enjoy the third installment of the adventures of his film hero, Daniel-San. Never mind that Ralph Macchio is now pushing 30 and looks like maybe he’s been skipping some crane kick practices between movies, he’s ready for action! The action of bonsai store ownership! Spending all his time with a strange old man! And, most importantly of all, hounded by Terry Silver, a millionaire evil mastermind who devotes 100% of his resources to getting revenge on a teenage boy for the sake of a casual acquaintance! How does he wreak this vengeance, you and the wide-eyed young Karate Kid fan might ask? By pressuring him into
signing a karate tournament application form, using all the proper and appropriate channels! Eyeball-popping stuff!

How would Mike, Kevin, and Bill rate Karate Kid III? By growing evil 80s ponytails, cracking their knuckles, and mugging to the camera, “Perfect.”

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is commonly regarded as the most fun and exciting installment of the film franchise. This may well be true, especially given that the average Star Trek film is about as fun and exciting as a half-cup of plain yogurt. If you polled fans about what makes this particular film so thrilling, odds are they’d respond, “All the allusions to Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick!” (results may vary). Indeed, the original script contained even more quotes from that classic novel. Most notably, the moment when Kirk, in a fit of vengeful rage, leans back and roars to the heavens, “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.” VERY popular on t-shirts.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they dive into the great valley between Ricardo Montalban’s bulbous pectoral muscles for complete immersion in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan!