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Private Notes
Judy is holding a book club meeting at the house, but Bill's macho behavior, including screaming and dropping pizza on the floor, gets in the way of her book discussion. Bill eventually noses himself into the club and steals Judy's attention, making her jealous because she was supposed to be ""the smart one."" She tries to take his mind off of books with sex, but that doesn't work. At the next club meeting, they fight over who gets to discuss first and end up getting kicked out of it. Judy is disappointed, but soon regains her self esteem when she finds out Bill had their son read the book for him in exchange for cash.
Bill and Judy attend their twentieth high school reunion, and soon they begin acting like teenagers again. Bill meets his old hot dog eating competitor and challenges him to see who can eat more pancakes at the reunion breakfast, while Judy is shocked to see that the most popular girl at school has become a successful architect and has a ""perfect life."" In order to make Judy happy, Bill makes up a lie about the woman's husband having an affair, and Judy spreads it all around the reunion. Now Bill has to make an effort and correct the lie, but only makes it worse – as the rumor spreads, the guy goes from a cheater to gay man. Meanwhile, Linda scores a date with an ex-boyfriend, but she can't get over his disliking of The Beatles.
Lauren anxiously awaits a phone call from a boy, and in an effort to help her, Bill tells the boy that she likes him and he should call her. Lauren is humiliated, so Judy buys tickets to a Blink-182 concert for her and all her friends. The only rule is that Bill cannot talk to the kids when they go to the concert, but unfortunately he can't help himself. Lauren leaves the concert and goes to the car in embarrassment and Bill ends up giving her fifty dollars to come back. But as one embarrassment ends, another one begins when Judy flashes her breasts to the band.
Bill and Judy's behavior at Tina's recital shames them into volunteering at her school, which leads to disaster.
Brian joins the school football team, but quits because the other kids are picking on him. He decides to do cheer-leading instead, but Bill is unsure about Brian's decision. Judy tells Bill that they need to try to support him, whatever he does.
Bill befriends Linda's new boyfriend, Eric, but unfortunately, she walks in on him with another woman in the shower and dumps him. Bill's feeling lonely now that Judy told him he couldn't see Eric, but all it takes is one phone call for Bill to start sneaking around behind Judy's back to hang out with him. All is well until Eric says he can't go to a hockey game with Bill as promised and Bill later sees him on TV at the game. When Linda gets back together with him, Judy's surprised by Bill's negative reaction, which breaks down the whole chain of lies.
Annoyed with Linda's statement that her family doesn't spend any quality time together, Judy tries to gather everyone together for a family night playing games. Problem is no one is remotely interested, which frustrates Judy. She leaves the house, and in an effort to please his wife Bill decides to take the family to the planetarium. On their way out, Bill is reminded that the bowling team tryouts are tonight, and juggles between bowling with his family and bowling with his friends until Judy catches him. The only thing that keeps them from leaving is a lunatic family playing on the next alley that insists they're competing, which they weren't (until they decide to take on the challenge and lose).
Tensions run high in the Miller household as Judy's steadily bickering parents visit for Thanksgiving, and things only get worse when the couple announce they're extending their already unwelcome stay by a week. Linda, meanwhile, tackles cooking the traditional turkey dinner in hopes of winning some praise.
Judy takes Bill's advice to feign a shared interest with her boss to get a promotion. What she receives, though, are opera tickets for the same night as a big hockey game. Linda, meanwhile, happily volunteers to chaperone Lauren's sleepover party.
Bill loans a co-worker $300 to buy a big-screen TV without realizing the guy has a reputation for not repaying debts, which is worrisome considering Judy needs money to replace a broken hot-water heater.
Lauren is forbidden from attending her first school dance as a punishment for bullying, which Judy recalls falling victim to as a teen. Lauren, though, has evidence of a double standard after Bill lets it slip that Judy used to tease a girl by calling her ""Gina-so-smelly.""
Judy is tired of always playing bad cop and having Bill undermine her authority to the kids, so she decides to take a day off and let all hell break loose under Bill's supervision. When she realizes that Bill is actually capable to handle their kids and just isn't willing to do so, Judy decides to play good cop for good. Bill refuses to be the bad cop, because he's been the good cop since he was born. Both stubborn, they decide to stick to their roles until the first one caves in. Tina decides to get her bellybutton pierced and they agree on it. Brian wants to drive and Judy lets him. But later on she finds out Bill set her up and they both come back to their senses and put the house back together – but not right away. Let Brian be the bad cop for a while.
Bill feels inadequate in the company of Linda's physically fit boyfriend, so he attempts to prove his own athleticism by joining a beginner hockey league, but overexerts himself just trying to keep up with the other players. Meanwhile, Judy is pressured into joining a health club and taking spinning classes.
The humorous Valentine's Day card that Judy receives from Bill leaves her feeling as if the romance in their marriage is dead. To reignite the old spark, Judy shows up at Bill's job wearing nothing but a trench coat and high heels, but her surprising visit doesn't go exactly as planned. Elsewhere, Brian seeks his parents' advice when trying to impress a girl at school.
Bill has to crawl back into Judy's favor by apologizing to her hairdresser for calling him a rip-off artist.
Bill and Linda decide to help Lauren with her science project to show her that they care about what she's doing and end up making the science project for her. After they get an A, Lauren's teacher decides to move her to the advanced science class and Lauren is desperate. Linda and Bill promise to help, but Lauren ends up using them to do all her work while she goes to mall to date a boy. When her parents discover her lies, Lauren says she only got interested in science because the boy she's dating is a science geek.
After Linda meets a nice man and goes out with him hours after being dumped by another guy, Judy advises her not to go so fast. Linda and Judy have a fight, where Judy is blamed to always be nosing on her sister's life. Judy then decides to let her sister live her own life, and as a result she starts overcontrolling her children's lives with all the extra time she has in her hands. When they can't take it anymore, Bill decides to get the two back together and establish peace in the family.
Bill and Linda meet some Bill's old high school buddies, who since then has turned his life around. Bill says his wife changed him, which leads into an argument between him and Linda about how they changed each other. Bill decides to grow back his old mustache and smoke cigars, while Linda goes back to hanging out with her drunk friend from high school. After realizing that maybe changing does come for the better, they both go back to their usual selves.
As a favor to her beleaguered boss, Dr. Gerber, Judy offers temporary shelter for his prized pet pooch. Bill goes a step further, showing the dog and his lonely owner how to kick up their heels and have fun.
Bill proves himself too eager to please when his master-of-the-guilt-trip mother pays a surprise visit. That is, until Judy suggests he stop placating the woman and start ignoring her, a strategy that ends up backfiring on Bill when he hurts his mom's feelings and she runs away.
Bill doles out advice that lands him in hot water with wife Judy. Bill's misguided remarks are acted upon by 15-year-old Brian, who's upset because he didn't get invited to a fellow cheerleader's big kegger, although younger sis Lauren did. His story of woe prompts Bill to relate a tale from his own youth when he crashed a party and pretended to drink a lot of beer. Later, Bill and Judy cut short their fun at an AC/DC concert to make sure that Lauren hasn't disobeyed them by sneaking off to the bash.
After Judy and Bill order Lauren to drop basic math and take a more difficult algebra class, her bad attitude about schoolwork multiplies and the conflict between Lauren and her parents increases exponentially. Judy and Bill then try to solve the problem using the art of negotiation.
Bill finds out that Brian has been taking driving lessons and decides to teach how to drive before his 16th birthday. Although Brian has pretty good skill behind the wheel, Bill keeps insisting that he should behave more manlike. Judy secretly steps in and takes over teaching Brian, which Bill finds out after Brian does courtesy waves and hold him back on a sudden break after he buys him a 1981 ""Mystery Machine""-like van.
When Judy finally has a good idea at a PTA meeting, the attention she receives from the group's president, Elise Larkin, encourages her and Bill to become more responsible parents. After being invited to the Larkin's for a backyard barbecue, they go a step too far by voicing their concerns that the Larkin's son, Dorian, may be having sex – only to learn that they may need to be more concerned about the activities of their own son.
Brian and Lauren take jobs at different areas (book store and babysitting) and soon their bond with their bosses provokes jealousy among their parents. Bill and Judy feel overlooked when they realize their children are doing all sort of things with their bosses that they normally wouldn't do – or ever did – with them. Brian learns to like Led Zeppelin and baseball, while Lauren bakes brownies for her boss. All's well for the kids until their dream parents fall through and they realize there are no parents like Bill and Judy.
While Brian gets into the cheerleading squad, Lauren feels miserable because she didn't get a part in the school play, which makes her worry about her popularity. Bill and Judy go down to the school to try working things out, and Bill finds out that Lauren's drama teacher went to high school with him. Convinced that she's offering herself to him, Bill decides to let her down. When Lauren's part gets cut from the play, Judy tells Bill to seduce her teacher and get her back on the play. But Bill eventually finds out that his former high school fling is now a gay woman, and Lauren's participation on the play has nothing to do with it.
Judy's fear that Lauren is hanging out with the wrong crowd is confirmed when Lauren gets caught shoplifting. Although Judy doesn't believe Lauren's claim of innocence, Bill convinces her to give their daughter the benefit of the doubt. When it seems that Lauren has stolen again, Bill and Judy's parenting abilities are pushed to the limit.
Brian is stinking pretty bad, so Bill tries to teach him how to live with ""the Millers sweats."" Turns out Brian has been skipping shower after gym because he feels different from the other guys. Afraid Bill might have given him wrong advice, Judy tries to interfere and Brian reveals that he has ""bigger"" problems. He's angry at Bill for telling his secret to everyone so Bill reveals some of his most embarrassing moments to make up for it – only he didn't know all his friends were hidden in the living room for his surprise birthday party.
Eager to relive their glory days, chaperones Bill and Judy are excited about a teen dance with an '80s theme. The same can't be said of Brian, who's dateless after following his mom's relationship advice. Meanwhile, Bill gives a few pointers on the birds and bees to a football player, who then makes a move on Lauren.
Bill gets the bright idea to have Lauren profile her Aunt Linda for a school report on role models, which leads to Lauren helping Linda fulfill her dream of designing and selling fashions for goose lawn ornaments. Meanwhile, Judy becomes jealous of the time that her little sis and eldest daughter are spending together and spitefully dismisses their business venture, predicting it will lay an egg.
Bill and Judy feel they need more faith in their lives after meeting the very religious parents of Lauren's boyfriend.
Judy is excited to host Christmas in the Miller house for the first time, but her plans are scrapped when Bill's mom insists on having Christmas dinner for the entire family in her tiny apartment. Meanwhile, Linda's good deed for Christmas – making over her helpless co-worker – goes better than planned when her ""patient"" turns out gorgeous and lands a date with a rich lawyer Linda had her eye on.
To give Bill and Judy a much-needed break, Judy's parents come to take the kids for the weekend, but decide to stay when they realize Judy is sick. Having forgotten the joy of being taken care of, Judy conveniently extends her illness a little longer but gets into trouble when her parents find out she is faking.
To Bill's delight, Brian enters the world of popularity when he becomes the basketball team's statistician, but his feelings quickly fade when he discovers the players are making Brian their ""errand boy."" When Bill attempts to remedy the situation, the team instantly demotes Brian from cool statistician to school mascot, prompting Judy to come to the rescue.
While visiting from Florida, Bill's macho father, Al Miller, decides he wants to spend some quality time with his son so he makes plans to re-create a past bowhunting trip he took Bill on as a child to toughen the boy up. Brian, meanwhile, sharpens his math skills as he prepares to compete in the Math Olympics.
Judy discovers that ""boys night out"" consists of flirting with a waitress at the local restaurant. However, when Judy informs Bill that the pretty, young waitress is really an overworked, single mother, Bill accuses Judy of being jealous – until he learns of her flirtation with the mailman.
When Bill's mother, Louise, introduces the family to her new boyfriend, Johnny, Bill is ecstatic that she has someone to occupy her time. But the happiness is short-lived as Bill and Judy become suspicious that Johnny, an investment counselor to senior citizens, is bilking Louise out of her life savings. So, the Miller twosome arrange to have dinner with the guy, during which they start to put aside their worries about him – until he squeezes Judy's rear end.
Jealous of his friend's relationship with his athletic son, Bill tries to bond with Brian by helping him build a St. Patrick's Day parade float. Meanwhile, Lauren dreads the humiliation she's going to suffer when the uncoordinated Judy performs her Irish river dance at the parade.
In order to pay for a tutor to help him study for the PSAT, a stressed-out Brian takes a job with Bill and runs circles around Bill and his slothful co-workers. Meanwhile, Linda uses Lauren to nab a divorcee with a son.
When Tina comes running to Judy to do the ""manly job"" of killing a spider, Bill realizes that does not wear the pants in the Miller household, but in fact, Judy does since she does all the jobs he should stereotypically do. With that in mind, Bill decides to prove that he is indeed the manlier Miller by repairing Tina's broken dollhouse all by himself. Meanwhile, Lauren gets conflicting advice about dealing with her new boyfriend from Bill, Judy and Linda.
When Lauren and her friends start hanging out in the Halversons' cool ""teen scene"" basement, Judy becomes jealous and starts a competition by creating a cooler teen hang-out in the Millers' garage. But when Bill discovers the real reason the neighborhood boys think the Millers' house is the better place to be, the Millers are forced to abandon their dream of being the neighborhood hangout and apologize to the Halversons for competing with them.
Bill and Judy grow suspicious when Brian and Lauren start secretly making plans and covering up for each other. In order to get to the bottom of things, Bill and Judy start snooping and uncover fake IDs, a box of cash and a receipt from a tattoo parlor.
When Tina is invited to a birthday party for the daughter of former Chicago Bear Willie Gault, she refuses to go, but Judy and Bill attend anyway to meet their childhood hero. But when Bill accidentally walks out with Gault's Super Bowl ring, the Millers get a chance to live the high life when merchants think Bill is a former Super Bowl winner.
When Brian is grounded for breaking curfew, he decides to move into the garage so he can live by his own rules. Meanwhile, Lauren discovers a talent for singing that's not appreciated by the rest of the family, and Linda forces an uninterested Tina to earn her Bluebell badges in an attempt to live out an unfulfilled childhood dream.
When a doctor diagnoses Lauren with depression, the teenager sees a golden opportunity to take advantage of the situation. Meanwhile, Brian is desperate to figure out a way to stop his parents from going on college tours with him just to check out the local bars.
When a lesbian couple moves in next door, Bill and Judy are shameless in their quest to get approval to build the deck of their dreams. But when they fail to make nice with the couple, they decide to use Lauren to score points and convince her to go out with the neighbors' nerdy son, Chris. However, their plan backfires when Lauren actually falls for Chris, but his mothers think that Lauren's a bad influence.
When her cat dies, Linda starts treating her latest loser boyfriend more like a feline than a man. Meanwhile, Bill and Judy can't help but make fun of the strange circumstances of the cat's death.
Bill gets caught up in a fantasy card game in which players pretend to be wizards and warlocks after he learns that Brian is a champion player. Meanwhile, Judy starts spending time with Fitz now that Linda is engaged and doesn't have much time for her.
When the Halversons belittle Bill and Judy's ability to contribute to the school's silent auction, the Millers retaliate by coming up with the hit item. Impressed with the Millers' generosity, the Halversons offer to help Bill and Judy run the event that they donated. But when the Halversons back out on them, Bill and Judy decide that revenge is in order.
When Judy discovers that Bill is an excellent cook, she welcomes his help with the meals. But when he gets fussy about the cooking, Judy begins to think that maybe she preferred it when Bill spent all his time on the couch.
When Bill gets a clean bill of health and Judy is advised that her cholesterol is through the roof, Judy writes a beautiful letter to Bill conveying things he should know when she passes on. She begs him to do the same, but Bill finds that he needs someone else to inspire him. Meanwhile, Linda borrows Tina in an effort to help her fiancé, Perry, become more comfortable with children.
Judy is tricked into doing more group activities than she planned when she tries to improve her relationship with her mother-in-law against Bill's advice. Judy is thrilled when Louise invites her on a cruise only to discover, to Bill's delight, that her sneaky mother-in-law has duped her. Now, Judy finds herself traveling with Louise's women's group, The Red Hat Society, which consists of women aged 50 and above. Judy must somehow find a way to let Louise down without hurting her feelings.
Bill and Judy are elated when they discover that Brian actually has a girlfriend, but Bill is even prouder of his son for having a crush on his girlfriend's hot pal. Bill and Judy both have their own thoughts on how Brian should handle his love triangle. Judy wants her son to do the right thing, while Bill, speaking from experience, advises Brian to stay with his plain girlfriend in order to appear sensitive and score the hottie. Meanwhile, Tina retaliates against Linda for scaring her.
Judy asks Bill and Fitz to shoot Tina's ballet recital, but when Tina's teacher takes center stage in a sexy ballerina outfit, Bill can't take the camera off her. After Judy discovers what is on the tape, Bill puts the blame on Fitz in order to save his hide. When Fitz's wife discovers the same tape, Bill takes the blame for filming the attractive teacher. Caught up in a web of lies, Bill and Fitz do everything in their power to keep their wives from discovering the truth.
Bill is irate when he catches Lauren's boyfriend sneaking out of the house after midnight. Following the incident, Bill decides to bond with Chris in order to gain his respect and ensure that the young man is less likely to disrespect his daughter. When Chris reveals to Bill that Lauren is the one who wants things to move faster, the Millers make a valiant attempt to put their parenting skills to work.
On a father-daughter outing to the mall, Bill and Lauren agree to lie to Judy about spending quality time together, and then split up to do their own things. Meanwhile, Judy's decision to try on Linda's wedding dress turns out to be a very bad one.
Bill convinces Linda to take his advice instead of Judy's when he tells her to let her fiancé pursue his dream of making a music video even though he hasn't written the song yet. At first Judy enjoys the down time she has now that her sister is going to Bill for advice. But Judy finds herself with her hands full when Perry decides to postpone the nuptials and spend all the wedding money on the video. Meanwhile, Brian agrees to let Lauren give him a makeover in order to impress a girl, and ends up missing half an eyebrow.
After Bill and Judy catch Brian, Lauren and their friends drinking in the basement, they decide to set an example and abstain from drinking for an entire month. Unfortunately, Bill and Judy's infamously wild Super Bowl party takes place during that time. Brian and Lauren are impressed that their parents have gone alcohol-free for a solid three weeks. However, when Super Bowl Sunday dawns, the "holiday" may be too much for Bill and Judy to handle sober.
Bill and Judy come to Fitz's rescue by helping him adjust to his new life as a single man by joining him in his new bachelor pad and helping him pick up women at a bar by pretending that they are all swinging singles. Meanwhile, Linda agrees to watch their kids until she figures out that Bill and Judy's efforts to help Fitz may not be as altruistic as they appear.
Bill and Judy are so ecstatic to hear that Bill's mother, Louise, is going to marry her boyfriend that Judy agrees to be her maid of honor. However, the nuptials are put in jeopardy when Louise's ex-husband, Al, wants to stop the wedding and win Louise back. Meanwhile, Linda is disheartened when Perry continues to postpone their wedding due to his music career.
Brian helps a woman in need as part of his outreach project and Bill willingly lends a hand when he discovers that ""old"" Mrs. Grundy is a hottie. When Judy catches Brian and Bill staring at the beautiful Mrs. Grundy, Judy demands that Bill have a serious talk with Brian about not leering at women. Bill teaches his son a lesson, but it is not exactly the lesson Judy had in mind. Meanwhile, Linda contemplates Perry's request to spice up their sex life outside of the bedroom.
Brian is excited and filled with confidence when he receives instant messages from Lauren's hot tutor, Sarah, a smart college student. Bill encourages Brian to pursue her and ask her to the upcoming high school dance. However, just as Brian is about to make his move, his family once again manages to suck the joy out of the moment.
The guys down at the toilet store get a new boss "a young, brash, Harvard graduate" who develops a friendship with Brian. Bill shamelessly benefits from the situation until Judy steps in and leaves no question that she's still the boss. Meanwhile, Tina and her mysterious new friend frustrate Lauren.
When Bill and Judy discover that their pediatrician has the teddy bear that they used to hide their stash in, they must come up with a plan to get it back. When they find that the toy isn't in the donation bin at Dr. Bloom's office anymore, they go to his house where Lauren is babysitting his granddaughter, Ella. They discover that Ella is sound asleep holding it but as they prepare to get it away from her, Dr. Bloom returns home.
Judy tries to stand her ground when Bill's mother tries to hone in on her Mother's Day tradition with her own mom. Judy finally convinces Bill to take Louise wherever she wants to go while she, Helen and Lauren go to their traditional tea. But chaos ensues when they all convene at the same place.
Bill and Judy are initially happy that Linda and Perry are finally tying the knot, but when Roach, the eccentric minister and best man, shows up and the other wedding details are unveiled, Judy thinks her sister may be making a big mistake.
Bill gets jealous when Brian becomes excited about his upcoming trip to Europe for a summer exchange program. In an effort to create a bonding moment with his son before he departs, Bill plans a last minute camping trip. But when Brian arrives late to leave on the excursion, the two have a falling out. Bill, still determined to bond with Brian, makes one last attempt before his son boards the plane, with disastrous results.
Brian has returned from his summer abroad and he should be excited about starting his senior year of high school, but he left his heart in Italy and can't stop thinking about the girl he met. Meanwhile, Linda's so desperate to keep Perry from a long-term gig on the road that she resorts to injuring him.
When Lauren starts taking advantage of neighbor Chris’ affections, Judy steps in to let him know that he is being used. Chris then directs his crush to Judy who takes advantage of him to get work done around the house.
When an heir to a beer company moves into the neighborhood, Bill has found a new best friend, but when Judy gets fed up she makes Bill choose between them. Meanwhile, Tina confounds Lauren by copying her outfits every day.
When Judy and Linda go to traffic school together, their roles are reversed, with Linda suddenly the popular one and Judy seen as a boring doctor. Meanwhile, after picking Lauren up from a college party she sneaked out to, Brian forces her to be his slave.
After scolding Bill and Kyle for their childish behavior, Judy is forced to swallow her pride and ask Kyle for help when she makes an irresponsible mistake.
When Judy tells Bill to take her mother to the eye doctor, her mother convinces Bill to take a gamble and disobey that order and go to a casino instead. When Judy finds out, Bill asks Judy if her insistence about the appointment is the result of her own fear of getting old, as her 40th birthday is just days away. Meanwhile, the kids are at a loss as to what to get their mom for her birthday.
Bill's dad has a new fiance, Joy, with a nine-year-old son, and it's the youngster who starts receiving all of Bill's dad's attention. Meanwhile, Joy irks Judy and Linda with her hyper-optimistic personality.
When Bill and Judy finally meet a couple they both really enjoy, they start competing against one other to see which of them the couple likes best. Meanwhile, Brian makes an interesting discovery when he mixes up his cell phone with Linda's.
Brian and Lauren scheme to avoid Christmas chores and family togetherness, but when their plan works, they're not as happy as they thought they'd be.
Bill and Judy search for a pair of tickets to a Rolling Stones concert, but getting them proves to be more difficult than they'd hoped. Meanwhile, they have to put up with Marion expounding on how wonderful she and Fitz's marriage is.
After Louise's husband kicks in money towards a Sweet Sixteen party for grand-daughter Lauren, she feels this means she gets to run the show. Meanwhile, Brian struggles to get money for a college application.
Since Perry won't come home to help redecorate, Linda helps Kyle redecorate his place, and some of her choices irk Bill and Judy. Meanwhile, Linda's marriage becomes the subject of Brian and Lauren's wager.
With Brian facing a failing grade if he can't climb a wall, Bill's attempt to fix the situation ends up hurting rather than helping. Meanwhile, with Johnny in Japan, Louise decides the family should learn crafty skills, such as needlepoint.
Bill tries to become more involved in Lauren's life, but his constant digging into her life only serves to drive her further away.
Bill takes Brian out to a gentlemen's club for his 18th birthday, but worries when Brian starts spending all his time there. Meanwhile, Linda regrets giving Lauren a poem for her homework when it may end up winning an award.
Louise winning a car during a taping of Oprah puts a rift between her and Judy. Meanwhile, Brian and his meteorology club friends decide how to spend a club surplus.
When Judy's excellent coaching may put Tina's basketball team in the playoffs, Bill tries to get them to lose so he can watch real basketball on TV instead. Meanwhile, Linda's hurt when her cat seems to love Lauren more than her.
Invited to a potential new boss' home for dinner, Judy desperately tries to get the family to be on their best behavior, but Brian's conflicting desires for both his daugher and sci-fi memorabilia collection complicate matters.
When Judy discovers Al has told his fiance that he's a millionaire, Bill confronts him, but it turns out Bill's the one who's been lied to. Meanwhile, Brian seeks a way to help pay for college.
When Brian graduates high school, he plans to move out and Bill and Judy plan to expand their bedroom into his. However, Brian gets the impression they've split and have become swingers.
