Blanche: Hello? Yes, this is Blanche and how did you get this number? And better yet, why am I even talking to you? I don't like you. Matter of fact I hate you. You can just tear up my number and then go climb back under your slimy rock with all the rest of your slimy friends! And don't you EVER call here again!
Blanche: Dorothy, call Stan.
Sophia: This watch is broken.
Dorothy: Ma! Stan gave me that watch for our wedding anniversary!
Sophia: Well the marriage never worked, why should the watch?
Sophia: She's the housekeeper, right?
Dorothy: Right.
Sophia: But she's not supposed to lift a finger, right?
Dorothy: Right.
Sophia: If anything needs to be done, you take care of it, right?
Dorothy: Right. Where are you going, Ma?
Sophia: To get a job as a housekeeper!
Rose: There you are! You get in the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pink fanny!
Sophia: All right, I'm going, I'm going... Oh, sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner at the home.
Rose: When I was younger I was known as the Dancing Fool.
Dorothy: How old were you when they dropped the "Dancing" part?
Blanche Devereaux: But, honey, she's just a child. You cant expect a child to give back a toy. You do understand, don't you?
Rose Nylund: Just cut the crap and get the damn teddy bear!
Renee Corliss: At two in the morning, waiting for George to come home, I called a radio talk show. I gave them the solution to the crisis in the Middle East.
Rose Nylund: Giving the Palestinians Greenland?
Renee Corliss: You heard it?
Rose Nylund: I didn't know that was you. You were great!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Giving the Palestinians Greenland?
Renee Corliss: It's a big place. Nobody uses it.
Salvadore Petrillo: I'm tired of this "old lady" business. You're acting like an ass! You don't look 50. You don't look 48. You're as beautiful as the day I married you.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, Salvadore! Tell me that again.
Salvadore Petrillo: You're acting like an ass!
Rose Nylund: Do you want to watch I Like Lucy with us?
Blanche Devereaux: I Love Lucy.
Rose Nylund: I haven't seen it yet so I don't know how I feel about it.
Rose: I found out that Baked Alaska can be baked locally.
Dorothy: Rose I know something else. Mars Bars are made right here on Earth.
Rose Nylund: Mario, can I fix you a snack?
Mario: Sure, I'm starved.
Rose Nylund: How about a herring salad sandwich on raisin bread?
Mario: Oh wow, I'm gonna miss my bus!
Rose: Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?
Blanche: I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.
Angela: May your shampoo get mixed up with your Preparation H and shrink your head to the size of a mushroom!
Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your bra?
Sophia: I was blowing my breast, Rose.
Sophia: You know, in the right hands and the right bag, this chipped beef is not half bad.
Dorothy: Rose, honey... have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it?
Blanche: I am abhorred!
Sophia: We know what you are, Blanche, I'm glad to hear you finally admitting it.
Blanche: Sophia, I said abhorred.
Sophia: A whore, a slut, a tramp - they're all the same.
Rose: I feel so common, so cheap... so used. How do you usually deal with that Blanche?
Blanche: ...Rose, just for that I'm going to flush the toilet tonight while your taking a shower.
Rob: Hello.
Sophia: Hello. Tell me, how many of me do you see?
Bob: We're twins.
Rob: We're here to see Blanche.
Sophia: I guess she's back on the vitamins. C'mon in.
Rose: You can let two angry mackerel fight it out in a purse, but don't ever plan on carrying that purse to a formal affair.
Andrew Allen: Goodbye, Mrs Petrillo. Sorry you didn't have an opportunity to experience our museum. I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition: a magnificent pair of Gauguins.
Sophia: What are you, a pervert? I was married for 45 years, I never even saw my husband's Gauguins.
Dorothy: Oh come on now Rose, don't let this bother you. You'll date again.
Blanche: Of course she will. Honey have you given any thought to advertising?
Rose: Oh Blanche! I could never dress the way you do. Besides, I have to wear undies. Not all my wool skirts are lined.
Dorothy: Whoa!
Blanche: September?
Dorothy: Yep!
Sophia: I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.
Dorothy: What was that?
Blanche: Rose brought a dog home from the supermarket.
Dorothy: What, couldn't she just get stew meat like she usually does?
Blanche: I'm not sharing a bathroom with 3 strange men, I don't care if it is my vacation!
Blanche: I'm tired of lying on my back... did I just say that?
Big Daddy: Well, now I don't want you to get too excited, but Margaret and I are planning on walking down the aisle together.
Blanche: OHHHHHHH!
Big Daddy: Is she happy or sad?
Rose: I'm not sure, I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy: No, I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.
Sophia: Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I'd rather live with a Lesbian than a cat. Unless a Lesbian sheds - that I don't know.
Dorothy: We're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely, you're planning ahead for Mother.
Sophia: Hey, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your pface?
Dorothy: What could she be doing all this time?
Sophia: You know what they're doing.
Dorothy: Yeah, and I also know Stan, we were married for 38 years, and if you added up all the times we did what he is doing right now, Blanche still should've been home 10 minutes ago.
