They should rename this film
DON'T ASK QUESTIONS: A STAR WARS STORY
There is so much I could write about this nightmare of a production, but I think the general consensus surrounding it summarizes my feelings more, especially from the "fandom menace." How a world class beloved A-list brand like Star Wars could reach this point in it's lifespan, no better than a Sci-fi channel film, completely baffles me. In less than 4 years, Disney was able to grab such a loved property and turn off every audience member imaginable from ever investing in it again. In just 3 films, fans are now crawling back to George Lucas asking him to redeem the saga and asking for forgiveness for all their words about the prequel trilogy. The cynic in me just says they deserve this. They were so quick to throw Lucas under the bus and put the mouse on a pedestal of, "Oh, look at how great Marvel and the Avengers are! Surely Mr. Iger and Lucasfilm can "return Star Wars to it's former glory" now that it's out of that George "Special Edition" Lucas' hands!" The rose tinted glasses were rip torn from the blind fans faces with Rian Johnson's subversion fueled train wreck of a movie that derailed any semblance of cohesion the trilogy may have had, which there wasn't and there was no plan day one, exposing the rat underneath the sheath of painted glass that was being fed to the general audiences. But with Solo bombing, it finally cemented what state the brand was in for the viewing eyes, that Disney had force feed way too much bad way too quickly and was able to dilute a classic property in to the ground, the actual red negatives in stock and profit. Toys began collecting dust on shelves, Toys R' Us went out of business, hurting merchandise moves even more, and events around the world cancelled in wake of diminishing interest in this brand. It failed to please the OT fans. It failed to please the prequel fans. And most importantly, it failed to attract a new audience of youth, like what fandom Star Wars had garnered when it first premiered in 1977. The series by 2018 had reached a point of no return. No one was on board anymore except for the extreme die hards. This fate is something not uncommon though, unfortunately, anymore. Time and again this decade, Hollywood has declared it's war to market as many nostalgia properties as possible because originality when given monumentous blockbusters budgets, which is the standard now, is not encouraged. So the familiar is the norm, while the challenging is to the way side. The only solution, given the failure of such like Voltron, Ghostbusters, and the success of Joker, is hopefully the heads will learn to start lowering it's budgets are trusting it's creative leads. Because I can't think of a more better example of everything wrong with Hollywood and the current system of moviemaking than The Rise Of Skywalker. I know that's a phrase tossed around a lot now, "this film is everything wrong with [FILL IN THE BLANK]," but this latest J.J. "Trek" Abrams bombshell of a fanservice, retcon baffling shitstorm is the embodiment of it all. If any of you want to point from this day forward what happened to cinema in the 2010's, this is the ultimate lead up to it all. What a perfect way to end 2019, with the most corporate driven, committee driven, test screen driven, pandering garbage to ever been conceived by Hollywood. The entire premise of the film is to walk back what everyone hated about The Last Jedi, which even though that received glowing praise from the "critics," which have now all been debunked as shills looking for publicity, the audience and majority of fans were then rallied to talk about how this film went wrong and what it meant for the rest of the series. Disney became well aware of the reception, and especially the financial bomb of Solo: A Star Wars Story, so Rise had an unachievable challenge. It had to answer questions from the previous two films, wrap up all remaining open arcs, which there were a shit load of them, tell it's own story, create a satisfying conclusion to all 9 films in the saga, and still be a coherent, fun experience. It achieved none of them. Nothing in the movie makes any sense, not even joking or playing dumb. It has so many balls to juggle and consistently drops them at every turn, it becomes embarrassing, hilarious, then boring, and then depressing to watch. I was sitting watching in like an empty void of sadness and disbelief that something I used to love so much be reduced to this, all because of a lack of planning and bad decision making from every angle, starting back in 2014. If J.J. had for just a minute listening to George's story plan and stopped using his story breaking "mystery box" technique, maybe we could be here this year with something that's passable. Not good, passable. The film opens with Palpatine back. No reason. He's just back. Turns out he created Snoke himself and he has cryo tubes full of more. I'm not even kidding, it's hilarious. He also has an entire army of Death Star Destroyers, like thousands of them, that he controls by hand. He raises them up out of the ground. He's lifted around by a Glad0s crane. He looks younger than he did in Return of the Jedi. Don't ask questions. Leia's CG reused footage is horrible. Rey is incredibly overpowered in this movie. The wayfinder shit is boring and tedious. There's no reason for Lando to be there. Nothing about the force use in the movie makes sense. The transfer of life energy makes no sense. Kylo putting his helmet back together, why? Don't ask questions. Rey kisses Kylo after he saves her. Why? Don't ask questions. Rey goes to Tatooine, she somehow knows it's there, and makes that her new home. Why? Don't ask questions. She adopts the name Rey Skywalker. Why? I'm done with that. So many things happen in this film that require you to suspend your disbelief, you will detach and the film will exhaust, and then make you cackle and howl with laughter at the absurdity of what happens. The fact they had to bring Sheev Palpatine at all because Snoke was out of the picture just screams desperate. It's backtracking retconning to make Snoke seem like less of an important factor in the previous two films. I guess you can just clone force users now. How? Don't ask questions. They bring back Palpatine just so Rey can one up him in the same film. They completely take away Anakin's redemption and Sacrifice and Luke's journey, just so Rey can have all the glory. Kylo dies, so the Skywalker lineage just ends. What a slap in the face.
"I am all of the Sith." - a wasted Ian McDiarmid
"No! I'm all the Jedi." - a Mary Sue
The exposition dumps and lack of motivation in the story makes this truly the spectacle of chaotic awfulness that can't even be ranked higher than The Room. What's the point of this story? Really, why are we here? What is the goal of this? What set up was there for this? There was none. There was no road map. There's no moral, no intrigue, no grand vision, no borrowing and inspiration from classic serials like Lucas was. Nothing artistic or respectable about this waste of human resources and time. This is a film made for everyone, but pleases no one.
May the 2020's bring about the death of fake nerd culture! Give comics back to the real nerds!
Women deserve better films than this, don't give them this. We're not helping women, whatever the hell that means, by giving them the most basic, bare bones, modern, disgusting trite nonsense this is. There's an eyerolling "girl power" montage right before the main titles appear. For no reason. It's not a commercial on television, it's not an advertisement, it's just a random clip show of girls doing stuff. It's just gross. There's no point to it other than flaunt, "Aren't I doing the female sex a positive by saying how good it is to have a vagina?!" All of the male characters are very comically sexist, white, and troublesome, outside of Patrick Stewart of course. The action is tired, a lot of it borrowed from stuff like Now You See Me and Mission Impossible, except much more obnoxious, thanks to Banks needlessly making all of our three new leads as insufferable as possible. Stewart especially I've never hated this much, not even back in the Twilight days. None of her jokes make any sense, she babbles every line, and she does it every time she opens her mouth. I was able to endure fifty minutes or so before realizing I didn't even know any of their names or what was going on because the film's priorities lie in all the wrong places, establishing the organization and the villain rather than our leads. There's even a humorous piece during the first major car chase where one of them asks, "Who is that? Why is he shooting at us?" And I was like, "I'm asking the same thing!" The first line in the film is, "I think women can do anything." Is this really a debate we're still trying to have and the media trying to push on to the general American public? Women in the west are the most freed and supported than at any other point in human history. How fucking ironic that this film that wants to act as a female power move is funded in part by China, a place that has internment camps for Muslims; they show happy Muslims in the film in that opening montage. Hey Banks, why don't you use some of your money you had to make this movie and go help out those people instead of sucking more Hollywood dick to get to make the Invisible Woman film you're now directing? I guess virtue signalling is more important. I only get heated about this because how hypocritical the people who are making this film are being. Glad this shit bombed.
I know I'm going to be in the minority when I say this, but let the Monsterverse end here. I don't mean that in the way that, I hate these movies. Exact opposite, King Of The Monsters is my second favorite film of 2019. But given the history of cinematic universes (MCU), the Toho Godzilla series, and the current situation of the Monsterverse, I would rather see this little series end as a trilogy of sorts, discounting Kong Skull Island, and let it stay a self contained epic that completes all it's arcs over the three Godzilla films it currently has. I wouldn't want them to (((drudge))) this out, change it up to be more mass appealing, and lose the spark the series currently has. Legendary currently has the option to keep making Godzilla films as long as they want so long as they renew the license, Toho would let them. But given the financial returns, I don't think that'll happen. They're going to release this early in China, get some money back on their investment, and release it for the fans that still like this stuff. Neutering it down is the last thing I'd want and I'd rather it end now. I know you all would disagree, but end it on this "high note."
EDIT: Fuck, this didn't age well at all.
Man, these Trump 2020 campaign ads are getting pretty elaborate.
I don't know how to rate this right now. It feels like The Room 2.0. So hilariously partisan with it's image of what a right winger looks like, while basically telling a story how a racist, misogynistic guy goes off to shoot cuck porn because he's desperate for pussy. It's almost so bad and outlandish with it's acting and scripting that I was laughing a good portion through. If you don't take this seriously, which I don't know how you could, you can get some fun out of this. It's also a classic crux of, "Everything you said is wrong, but I'm not going to explain why," sort of thing. Not the obviously misogynistic parts and the bits of clear mental illness, but the politics. Ronnie as a character shows no growth and stays the same from the start, to the end, only changing is his incite to violence. The mindset lingers though, which begs the question how this is social commentary. The amount of people like this main character that exist are astronomically slim, you can't help but feel the writing suffers from an forced perspective. The music is at least decent. Lambert, you may be the next Tommy Wiseau.
"Now we can have a real day of the dead."
It's like time never passed. I mean it when I say 3 From Hell feels like it was shot at the same time as it's acclaimed predecessor, The Devil's Rejects. Zombie's still got it and he absolutely nails his toot fucking fruity balls deep gore fest with near perfection. Now, I won't go too much in detail, because I'm assuming if you're reading this you're either a follower of me or a big fan of Rob Zombie wondering if this film is worth checking out. As a biased fan of all of his work, I would argue aspects of this surpass the sequel. Seeing this back to back as a double feature, I didn't get the impression I was watching a different film, made fourteen years later, but like a four hour epic of blood soaked proportions and twisted humor. Zombie understood what his fans were looking for, this plays off like a partial remake, only expanding the story to really where the Firefly family plans to go after their escape from prison. Sadly, during the film's production, Sid Haig was hospitalized and couldn't really reprise his role as the clown Captain Spaulding, but reduced to a really small role where he's given lethal injection on death row after his monologue is over. It was clear he was sick during the filming, but glad he was able to make an appearance. Instead, Richard Brake comes in to the picture as Otis' half brother, and he fills the shoes just fine, playing a deranged hillbilly that's obsessed with getting in to the Hollywood movies. With these three back in their usual shtick, Zombie just goes nuts. Whatever you liked about the previous, it's amped up a couple notches and played more for amusement. It doesn't shy away from the idea you're supposed to sympathize with these awful people. You have to disconnect their horrible crimes with where they are now to really get all the fun, and that may be difficult for some people. It's a lot like if Warren Betty's Bonnie and Clyde was turned in to a funny action movie, where Bonnie starts massacring the police with a bow and arrow as "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays. The kills are as creative and brutal as ever, turning in to a southern fried Mexican showdown in the second half of the film, whereas the previous was the family on the run and being persecuted by the avenging sheriff, this film was finally their stance against the system, the battle to make up for their defeat before. They have a chance to escape from all their troubles and making a life for themselves out there, as odd and confusing as that sounds. The only thing I would say that just barely brings the film down is the main antagonist doesn't receive as much screen time as Forsyth's character, so the conflict of the justice system taking matters too far and having the audience ask the tough question, "Who's in the right?" This film answers the question for you and it delivers that answer coldly. But everything surrounding it's loose core is the spectacle. The witty jokes, the funny character moments, the exploitation, the profanity, the sex, and above all John Wick inspired action is what you're coming for. This film is obviously not for everyone, but for those that it is for, the depraved, the mad, the clowns, and the Zombie lovers, this has it all. It's one of Zombie's best films, on top of an already great catalogue. Check it out when it comes out on video.
"What the fuck did you do to Bruce Lee?"
Tarantino's simplest script, yet biggest production value to date. It's a fairy tale, and Quentin doesn't overcomplicate things. It's just a story of a man who wants more out of fame and a bigger presence in Hollywood, and we see the pieces to reaching those heights are fun, nostalgic fueled remnants of the experimental 60's cinema. It feels a lot like a Roman Polanski film, fitting that the crux of the movie and striving goal for Leo's character, Rick, is to meet the rising director. It uses the era and it's celebrities to tell a more fantastical and satisfying story that looks back on the decade with extreme fondness. If Stranger Things is a sucker for the 80's, this blows it's rose tinted goggles off it's face. It's worth watching this for it's atmosphere and presentation. Much of the budget is spent recreating the entire Los Angeles city, getting down to the costumes, vehicles, set dressing, and most of all, the films and stars of the era. He really dug up a vault of the films that were coming out, the variety and accuracy to what was being shown, rather than it just being a blanket of all popular movies that came out the decade, is oddly lovely. Despite the story not being accurate, given then Manson murders in this do not at all go like how it went down, the window dressing on top of it is the most accurate a period piece of this time has looked since a real film from then. I'm glad Quentin didn't go convoluted this time. It's an inviting heartwarming at times and rowdy revisit to his favorite part of Hollywood.
Not even discussing the quality of the film it's about, The Last Jedi, this is actually a poorly structured documentary. From it's first introductions, it's the wrap party followed up with clips of internet buzz about the film's director choice, and from there, starts showing off the cycles of the production. The big issue, in comparison to The Beginning film showing The Phantom Menaces's shoot, is there is hardly a straight timeline of events. You don't know how far away pre-production is from shoot, how far Rian was along writing the script when the sets were being built, when storyboards were being drawn and colored proper for practical and digital techniques, when effects demonstrations started, any conversations really between Rian and the producers, etc. The entire ordeal is glossed over with rapid pace, never stopping it's stock orchestral score to showcase the fancy B-roll they took for this. The style of which this is edited is less of a documentation of what happened, and instead a very fancy marketing show-reel. Pieces of conversations are let to breath, but sometimes the punch line or follow up to conversations are not finished, random choices of what to include and what not is jarring, i.e. the comment about Russian tweets which has nothing to do with the preceding and proceeding sequences, and nothing ever really makes sense. It's like a jumbled compilation of pieces of the production with graceful intent, but no foundation. Everything feels out of order and it doesn't make me feel like I'm actually there experiencing the labor intensive shoot with the crew. I feel like I'm being told what happened, rather than being shown it, which brings me to one of my major gripes, is the over extensive use of narration and interview footage/audio instead of raw B-roll conversation. There is some to be found, sure, but it feels less personal and intimate when a lot of what is being fed to me is not the initial or in the moment feelings of the people involved with the production, but heavily scripted and filtered interviews after the fact. There's a manufactured feeling which I can't shake, and that's my question. Why was this made? Genuinely, I want a real answer, why was this produced and released? Why wasn't one done for The Force Awakens or Rogue One, especially the latter, I would have loved to have heard from Gareth Edwards' mouth his process for making the movie, especially in regards to his documentaries for his film Monsters. What was the goal here? Well, I'm going to put my tinfoil hat on and conclude, the studio probably knew there was going to be backlash, or at the very least, misunderstandings about the creative choices taken with the script and presentation as a whole. It's almost like they anticipated the vitriolic response to the final picture, so my guess is at some point in pre-production they started making this. They probably loved what Rian was doing, "being risky," but that's the point of this, it's a piece to convince the viewer why Rian is a misunderstood, genius director, in a veil attempt to save face, to show the public that they actually "make creative decisions" and this film is some kind of work of art. That's why there's inclusion of a number of interview pieces from actors Mark Hamill and some of the crew facing their concerns about aspects of Rian's planning, but are painted in the light that, oh, he know what he's doing and it should be supported. I want to respect the work by the cast in the background that actually seemed to care, but there's something so disingenuous about everything here. In comparison, Rob Zombie's Halloween documentary that is over four and a half hours long uses almost no interviews, only when it helps the day of shoot, not much narration, just straight B-roll from the start of pre-production, to the very end, and it is one of the best documentaries I've ever watched. The important thing is it's a day by day look in to it, not a shimmering gloss. It's actually a journey, you become attached to the crew through it, nothing is left out. This, it feels like revisionist history.
All the people talking about race and whatever bullshit with Peele's films kind of sour me on the projects. It's reminding me of Hideaki Anno and the collective analysis that happened with Evangelion. People trying to find this grandeur meaning behind the imagery used in the film, when the mundane reality could just be Peele is making more cliché horror, albeit with a more careful and artistic lens. Everyone labeled Get Out as this masterpiece of screenwriting that's a commentary on whites using blacks for their own gain, and that's not to say those themes aren't present, that doesn't mean it makes the film's formulaic storytelling a step above or revolutionary, or dare I say it, "brave." Peele's previous felt very much like a typical Blumhouse horror movie, but because some notes about his views of race where used as a piece of the storytelling, the critical circles lavished it with, in my opinion, unwarranted praise. It was a standard family horror fair, if you've ever watched horror, you can pick out the set pieces and notes from a mile away, I know I did, but oh, now critics will pay attention to horror because it has some undertone "messages" about race relations. Just because you have those themes does not automatically elevate your film above others, and that's the sad narrative surrounding Peele's otherwise decent movies.
I've enjoyed both of his films so far, and Us I actually enjoyed even more. It's a neat little film that has much more in the way of set ups and pay offs. This is a better constructed screenplay. Every beat and cue comes back to finish off it's arc with amusing grandiose. The hands across America commercial, use of handcuffs, the flare gun line (which comes back in the form of a weapon), and little pieces in the dialogue like, "Doesn't anyone care about the apocalypse?" there's quite a jam packed screenplay in the first and third act. I think it's the second act things get a little too padded out. It's entertaining with some almost hilarious displays, like the neighbor (on her last breath) telling the device to call the police, but it turns on Fuck the police the song instead. There's a surprising amount of humor in here, some working better than others. The family is likable enough, but isn't developed much outside their ambiguous goals, like the daughter conveniently was on the track team, and she's the one who's told to run. The characters serve the plot for the majority of the run time, it's not about them, it's what happens to them and their clones. If you just want action, there's lots of it in the second part, like I was saying, it just gets too long with seemingly not much purpose, upon which is gets exhausting. The third act comes around to finish off the story (and show off the facility underground I called) that was set up and kind of forgotten about, in a nice little bow that's not as clever as any of Shyamalam's twists, but at least brings everything full circle. Maybe everything was a little too predictable. My family guessed the mother was actually switched around in the Merlin's Forest like a half hour before it was revealed. I think this is a case of a script, and I know, who am I to judge Peele, but everything was in place here, I just wanted more a reason to care. I don't really know anything about this family or why I should care about them. The mother is coming to terms with her fear and really, the fact she stole her way in to what she wanted, so there's some nice conflict there. The daughter is mostly a reclusive young girl that sticks to her headphones, the boy likes to wear masks and is also a bit reclusive and weird, and the dad is... well, dad. I enjoyed it enough, but nothing that sets much apart from other things like it. Just some nice camera work (the telephoto shot of the clone boy walking backward in to the fire was a real treat) and editing that kept me engaged. Probably won't rewatch it soon.
"You have a chance other people only ever dream of. You can say good bye."
You know that saying that people always use that, "It hits you right in the feels," but some overuse it? I rarely ever feel it. But fuck, oh fuck me, I need to come here and say that Happy Death Day 2U did something I was not expecting at all. This is not a straight horror film, barely. This is a science fiction action mystery romantic comedy. Horror hardly fits the description, and that's what makes this so amazing. I feel bad I skipped this one out and saw Alita so many times, this came out the same weekend. Jason Blum, if you ever read this, know I'm sorry and I hope you continue to fund even more films like this. I know the general public flat out refuses original and poignant screenplays like this today, especially when this properly subverts expectations, but keep doing it. Give money to it. This got so much more complex and deep than I ever imagined a film like this could get. If you're going in to this expecting a romping slash-em-up and nothing more, you're going to leave more than empty handed. It's the equivalent of asking for fun bedtime story from your grandmother and she starts talking to you about the death of her husband. The overwhelming majority of the run time is the dilemma Tree must face between choosing to live in a timeline where her mother is alive, or where she's with her boyfriend Carter. The implications that because of this unforeseen consequence of this science experiment, she's actually given a choice to live a life that isn't hers, and if she doesn't, gets to do what others can't, and make peace directly with a lost loved one. The heavy hitting notes and the scenes where Tree breaks down to her mother, asking her what decision she must make, I could just imagine audiences checking out. There's this gut wrenching scene where she's choosing to sit down and spill it all out to her mother how much she loves her because she know it's the last time she'll see her, and just damn, it's intense. The rest when it isn't covering this raw family plot, is a literally by the numbers science fiction piece, in that it actually gets in to the technicals. They sit down multiple times to explain the way the universe has multiple dimensions and how she crossed paths with herself from her original dimension, etc. This makes Spider-Verse look like a second grade picture book. I was not expecting Landon to double down on what created the time loop in the first place, but it's surprisingly magnificent and doesn't tarnish the first in any way. In fact, it enhances itself above the original. I have more reason to care about this universe and these characters because of this follow up. It's given me more reason to care than I did before, by giving everyone more motivation for what has happened before. This is how you do a sequel ten-fold and this is how you make a fucking good film. It feels like an 80's college (romantic comedy) movie at times, this is exquisite work. Landon, you are on my director watch list. I see your name, I'm getting excited from now on.
initial impressions incoming
Just like the characters in the film repeatedly like to chant in gleeful unison: Everything is not awesome. Coming from someone who had a deep admiration for the first film way back five years ago, because of it's inventive storytelling, quotable dialogue, and surprisingly lovable brick characters, I was given the impression the follow up would match or come close to capturing that lightning in a bottle the first had. However, about fifty minutes in, I realized this film straight up barred in to awful realms. This film is now proof that having an inventive style doesn't mean anything if not for the characters. Oh sure, the presentation here is top notch, as is expected from Phil Lord and Chris Miller's other work, I'm looking at you Spider-Verse, but unless you can enrich my experience with some amazing action to fill that void, or characters that I can at least follow through the dreck, there won't be anything to chew on. The Lego Movie 2 suffers from extreme sequelitis, much in the same vein as Incredibles 2, where in order for a sequel to justify it's existence, characters have to take steps back in their development, arcs have to be completely disregarded that way the sequel can essentially remake it's predecessor to keep that tone and flavor audiences liked about the previous installment. This has only worked a handful of times on some films I find guilty pleasures, but rarely does this tactic pay off. It comes off like you're watching a shittier version of something you liked. Trust me, they try to redo that ingenious human connection that the first's twist gave us, but it's almost overdone to an annoying extent and doesn't have any of the impact the first had, where the LEGO story was revealed as one big parallel to the boy's real life relationship with his father. Doing that again, offers nothing new. Now that little kid has to overcome his sibling rivalry with his sister, as the two bicker over who should have control over the lego's, and at a few moments, you feel like it'll work, but just comes across stale and almost like a television continuation. This doesn't have the grand, epic scope of the first, instead opting for something more personal, that oddly, doesn't explore the characters it's attempting to deconstruct. It acts as a self reflection of Emmett and his relationship with himself, and in turn, affects his interactions with his sister. Something much more ambitious could've been done here, but it feels like half a script is missing and a ton of filler is thrown in instead, like the cringe inducing musical numbers. I wouldn't recommend checking this out, which is a shame, and my expectations weren't high.
What a shame, I liked the first Wreck-It Ralph a lot, and many of the complaints I have with this one, you could throw at the original, but I don't think so. This is a two hour advertisement for a huge conglomerate of intellectual properties, just everything you could think of about the internet, it's in here. Amazon, eBay, YouTube, everything under the cyber sun, and I would almost be okay with it if the story had some deep rooted sincerity or depth to it to justify it's money hungry bullshit. But the script is so simple, just a saturday morning cartoon plot that can be summed up in two sentences. The real meat of the movie is the eye candy of seeing these websites that you all already know, just sold to you for a full price movie ticket. The genuine charm and cleverness of the original is not here at all, and the film doesn't use in the internet in a clever way, just presenting it as is. Yet some want to argue it satirizes it, sorry, no, just showing it accurately doesn't make it commentary. I'll given them credit for being more accurate to mainstream internet, but everything else, worthless. This could've been a thirty minute television episode and I would've been okay with it. The filler is ridiculous in this. What a waste.
I'm spinning with all kinds of emotion, but I loved it. Alita is one of my favorite protagonists of the last decade or so, and she's all in service in one of the most genuine, exciting, and traditional blockbusters I've seen in years. No wonder critics hate this film, it goes against what they've been trying to prop up for years. It's not the same, it's not what they've come to expect, it goes in deep with it's anime roots in ways I'm amazed the studio allowed to let pass. I wonder just how much hand James Cameron had in pushing the heads to keep it exactly how he and Rodriguez wanted. It has the adventure, the epic scale, the mystery, drama, and anxious moments I've been longing for in films for awhile. It doesn't even feel like a film that should exist, not in this year, and that's why I'm so happy. I, like, actually cared about the characters, it has Cameron's touch of cinematic storyelling, translating it's original manga source material to his style. This is how empowered characters should be written. The visual cues, development, deeply emotional moments, just, aw, I was tense the whole time. It has a Back To The Future era bar sequence. It has it all. I'll write more later, or discuss it in our podcast, but Alita is a fantastic movie from an unfortunately bygone era.
James Wan understands horror. Whether it's his hands-on directing or darkly lit cinematography, his flare feels real. What separates something like this from The Nun is it gives it's characters depth. Aside from the ham fisted "true story" narrative slapped across the opening and posters (which has been used in horror for years now), the tension from the film comes from the human interaction. You know, storytelling, an arc, building up emotional layers, finding something to relate this alien, and often hokey premise, to a general audience. There's something commendable about a film that will literally sit down and talk about bullying. A one shot scene where an out of focus character transforms into something else over time. The shock and surprise comes from these people feeling real; not some magic portal to hell that opened because bombs were dropped during world war two. While the effects get quite exaggerated, many times, it's hard to tell what is practical and digital, and I'm glad Wan still utilizes classic horror visual lighting, keeping everything moody and almost pitch black. We rag on modern horror for using a lot of the tropes (jump scares, religious undertones, Ouija boards, and demons), but what keeps this and Wan apart from others is it's down to Earth approach, even during the supernatural moments. At times, it feels like The Exorcist, in all the best ways, what scares you is what could be real, not what isn't. Also, let's applaud the soundtrack.
Ugh. The first movie I come back to discuss on this website, it's this new live-action Disney masterpiece. The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is a special kind of bad. A Wrinkle In Time from earlier in the year failed spectacularly due to it's haphazard presentation, claustrophobic cinematography, and abysmal acting. I could almost see the script working with some tweaks and a much better director at the helm, because I could see what was attempted with the fantasy sequences. Now this latter film Nutcracker, is the inverse of Wrinkle. One thing I noticed off the bat is the production design and cinematography is beautiful. Victorian London, although has a bad CG introduction, is presented beautifully and even looks better than the real world sets from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. The use of blue and golden color hues and lighting give a fantastical storybook vibe. And once Clara emerges through the other end of the hollow tree log, the white forest illuminated by the sun looks like a painting, just, wonderful imagery that wouldn't be possible in a real location. There's also lots of classical and even Fantasia inspired pieces, when Sugar Plum and the rulers of the Four Realms are showing Clara their kingdoms. Instead of a generic clip/slideshow, it's opted to represent the lands in a stage show ballet, with performers and stage effects. I can't say the same for the make up and costuming though, as it becomes very hard to take the characters seriously who are dressed up like they're at queer parade, with mismatched colors and ridiculous hats and face paint. It's too off the walls for it's own good. But okay, visually, the movie has most everything going for it; a storybook brought to life. Though, I don't know what's with the connection to the Nutcracker story, besides Sugar Plum Fairies playing here and there and there being a "nutcracker" character, this script doesn't seem to be about this world, just this one event happening in the world. And this leads into the disaster that ruined this movie at it's core, and it's the script. I hate to compare, but imagine taking Tim Burton's Alice and strip away all the character development, most of the world building, any sense of scale, pacing, really, any sense of story. There are no pauses, no real chance to breath in this world, no one-on-one conversations about, I don't know, human emotions. Clara just keeps talking about finding the key to her egg her mother gave her, or, we need to go here, I want to go home, etc. She rarely ever talks about what she actually wants, who she wants to be, what she wants to do now knowing this world exists and her mother was a part of it. I would say an overwhelming majority of this movie is action sequences. The script is all in service of the most underwhelming, small scale battles against such dangerous foes like mice, slow tin soldiers, and a high pitched Keira Knightly. Yeah, spoilers, but I don't care. There is no reason to care about anything, and the twists and cliched dialogue can be recited perfectly before they happen. "Oh, open this egg, and everything you need will be inside." Inside the egg, there's only a mirror. Let's have an elongated drawn out sequence where Clara gets upset and storms off about it, then like ten minutes later realizes, "Everything I need is inside... it's me." Like, I laughed hysterically because I read the lines out before she said them, it's so predictable and childish. And the detriment is, you might say, this movie is for children, why are you, a grown man criticizing this. I don't think even kids would want to sit through this, I say that as a sibling. There's nothing that gives you a reason to care about anything, and the exposition is dropped faster than Alice's scroll and so much more lazily through awful mumbling acting. "That is the fourth realm, which is currently at war with the other three realms." Wow, so creative. No images to convey that a war is even happening. Yeah, I know later it's revealed that there isn't even a war going on and everyone was just being tricked by Sugar Plum, but even that doesn't make sense. Why is the forest destroyed? Where are the casualties to prove to the people that a war is actually happening? Sugar Plum isn't mind tricking anyone. There are real people here, and other lands filled with population that can see this. The world has no scale or sense of consequence. Clara could so easily just walk back through the hollow tree and go home. What, so she can get the key for her stupid egg? So what? Why should she or the audience care about anything that happens to this world? It's populated by a bad acted Nutracker, ridiculous looking leaders, obnoxious and unfunny sidekick guards, and ballet dancers. I'm on the edge of my seat, worrying about the future of this stupid world as it gets invaded by slow moving, hollow tin soldiers. This movie is a pathetic, watered down children's fantasy movie, and I think Disney even knows this. You will not seen advertising or promotion for this anywhere at the theme parks or online. It's best we forget this ridiculous, unfortunately beautiful looking 90 minutes of dreck.
I'm trying to find the words to express my clouded sadness. I remember I used to have a bedroom dedicated to all things SpongeBob SquarePants. The walls were covered in stickers of the characters, I had a Sponge themed lamp, and the toys galore. I would stay up for the 24-hour marathons of the show, and I dragged my parents to the theater three times so I could see this film in theaters. I guess I'm trying to say Hillenburg's creation, his world famous show affected my childhood a lot and who I am as a person. I think it's safe to say anyone who uses the internet actually owes something to this man, for his humor, creative characters, and off the walls (yet down to Earth) storytelling. He brought happiness to many children (+ adults) every Saturday morning and left his mark on not just the animation industry or television, but our culture. The characters of SpongeBob transcend all languages because, yes, it takes place in the middle of the ocean. The show found it's way to every country and found a loving audience of goofballs, crustaceans, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, every age group could relate to the big hearted main star. SpongeBob is a character I think we can all relate to: a child at heart with supreme passion for his pass times, but reality can come crashing down his youthful, optimistic outlook. But it's important to see the good in everything.
An absolute legend has passed away today. It hurts to see the man who created one of the biggest inspirations to my childhood go, but his work will never perish and his memory will live on. Stephen Hillenburg can take it to the grave he created one of the best cartoon shows in history; bar none. We should all take a moment of silence for such a talented man. After all, you're all Goofy Goobers, right?
I'm not even sure why I watched this. I was spending time with my folks and they decided on this, because the trailer admittedly looked inciting. But due to it's very unclear focus, any emotion the film tries to power, falls short because of lack of development between most of the leads. There's an entire subplot somewhere in the second act involving the workforce prison on this planet, you know "world building," but nothing it dredges through helps the characters become more dynamic. It's filler for the sake of entertainment. There's a fight in the mess hall, the captive monsters are let loose in an escape scene, but as I was watching, I was like, "Why am I watching this?" The entire focus of this story is this dad trying to save his daughter as the government is launching a deadly virus to wipe out this planet's population. Why am I watching unrelated characters do stuff that have little impact on the central character? It does this multiple times. Oh, the mains go buy weapons from this arm dealer. Let's give the arms dealer a five minute shoot-out scene that literally does nothing for the story. Some people say movies can be cut down to be shorter, and most I disagree with, but here, you literally could cut out over a half hour of material. The focus is so off, that when the emotional climax (and sacrifice) happens, I'm left more numb than bawling my eyes out, like I'm sure they wanted me to. There's a little something from every science fiction movie ever done here, just not as good. Oh well.
I love the fittingly dramatic irony and dark metaphors these Twilight Zone-esque anthology stories present. Joel and Ethan Coen string the audience along for the first short by giving the impression the average Netflix viewer is in for a more rompous and humorous affair, but after a downhearted ending to the first story, the audience is strung along for more poignant and serious matters. The themes of each of these stories are incredibly powerful, and ones that transcend a specific trend, but go on for generations. The seemingly light-hearted and beautiful imagery of this movie is just facade. The dark undertones will resonate with a lot of people because of how it connects to people on a deeper level. The short involving the armless, legless man being paraded around by a con artist, using him for mere coins to trick the poor stage performer, only to scam him right to his face, oddly, had me sitting in shock, considering how obvious the story is. The way it's executed carefully: slowly, not much music, just the motions happening and characters going. As the number of attendees dwindles, the owner begins to wonder why the money isn't rolling in anymore. He finds a crowd of people in this town, instead of attending his performed tale of sad and woe, are gathered around a chicken hitting metal plates. The owner sees this as the opportunity to make more money, so he buys the chicken from that man using cash clearly gotten somewhere other than his own performer, then cowardly dumps the poor boy into a river, discarded for the next attraction. And the message of that short I think gets to me because of how it shows audiences in general. People would rather watch a chicken do bells and whistles than see a man recite Shakespeare. The Coen's play with the audiences expectations but thankfully satisfy them and upset them in meaningful ways. This is my favorite film from the brothers outside No Country For Old Men.
"When Lords ends, I want people to feel like they just went through a nightmare. I want them to say, "I think I just went through an actual nightmare, and I'm still trying to sort it out," as opposed to a movie where they can easily explain what happens to Heidi and it's all wrapped up nicely for them and they can walk out of the theater thinking, OK, everything got wrapped up perfectly for me. The movie makes sense, but I didn't want to make it obvious. There are details that people will catch the second time around that they may have missed the first time. Lords leaves you with a weird, uncomfortable, off-balance feeling. That's what my favorite kinds of horror movies all do." - Rob Zombie
This is not the usual Rob Zombie. The Lords Of Salem falls more akin to Italian horror, Robert Eggers, and Roman Polanski. Both times Sheri Moon entered the theater, first at the entrance, the second the main stage, the Lacrimosa music combined with the blinding visuals echoed of 2001: A Space Odyssey and it made my jaw drop. This is the best a Rob Zombie film has ever looked and sounded. Something about the golden, white, and red grainy aesthetic puts a hauntingly beautiful historical filter over the picture. Something as simple as a theater stage looks alien. The shining spotlight glistening through the silhouettes of the witches and landing on the audience members is like a historical event. An apartment hallway begins to play tricks on your mind, if it's changing or it's your mind just wanting to see something different. I thought the staircase went missing, but I was wrong. Every room is bleakly lit and desaturated, usually accompanied by a lot of bloom or light flares. It feels like a nightmare. The perversion of Christian imagery and classical art is played wonderfully throughout, it's like the Devil has a strong hold on everything around it and all of Salem. Something that's lacking in a lot of mainstream horror now is atmosphere and tension. It's never about character building anymore; characters are soullessly placed in a preconceived script just so they can deliver spooky jump scares for an hour and a half, they leave you open for a twentieth sequel. Zombie's carefully paced script lends itself to profound set up and pay off. If he revealed the later images too early, their impact would not have as much of a lasting impact. Watching Sheri's character go insane, both i.e. drug use and indoctrination by witches, builds to the empowering images of the theater where Satan is and all the trippy classiness shots in the third act. If not for the thin story, which is actually pretty self explanatory, what makes it stick out is the outstanding visual storytelling. Rob was ahead a few years of other films like Hereditary in re-popularizing horror films that are reliant on their atmosphere. This is next level Stanley Kubrick Zombie. If you like your horror films more experimental, macabre, and not straight forward, this is the closest you can get to a modern pick. Also, thank you Blumhouse for producing this!
This movie suffers from a little problem. It doesn't know if it wants to go balls to the wall horror with the violence and show graphic imagery, or be tame enough so those just getting into horror can be comfortable. I would say it goes for the Carpenter angle and tries to play a mystique towards it's killer. Hell Fest's greatest claim to it's name is it's location. You'd think because it's just a shitty little movie, the sets and costuming would be lame, but it's the opposite. This place almost puts Halloween Horror Nights to shame. It's so elaborate and unrealistically over the top, there are definitely some park regulation violations. The costumes are so grotesque; dripping liquid and touching visitors as they walk down the paths. I find it hard to believe this is a traveling amusement park, some of the rides are built into like the wooden bridges of the park. I don't see how they could pack all this stuff up. But if the nitpick part of your brain can ignore the limitations of reality, it's beautiful to look at. The park is beaming with lights, decorations, stage shows, and set pieces. It's probably the most detailed amusement park I've seen on film. The movie's other greatest claim to fame is it's clever idea, sticking an actual killer into this horror themed park. You'd never know who was the guy because he blends into all the scenery and actors. The mask he wears is even a park issued prop for the actors. He can just walk up and kill someone and no one would know it's for real, or even creepier, the guests would laugh it off. There's some real great shit going on with this premise and they take advantage of it multiple times. On this stage, the main character's ditzy friend is participating in a sacrificing act where she'll be put in a guillotine, but it's revealed the guy performing it is the killer that's been stalking them all night. The way the scene slows down as the lead tries to warn the guards about what's about to happen, it actually puts you on edge. You wonder will the man kill her right on stage in front of the audience, or fool the lead as part of the act. It's a great moment. The biggest issue I have with the movie comes down to parts of it's script. There are too many scenes where the killer stalks them like in the bathroom or the back alleys of the park, away from the crowds of guests. They fell into the trap of doing the "character isolated from the group" dreck. The whole gimmick is the guy can kill anyone in plain sight, and they only do it a few times. Killing the lead's boyfriend in the employee locker room sucks. Why couldn't he do it right in her face and make it seem like part of a performance? And, aside from our head girl and her surprisingly likable boyfriend, the rest of the friends are just eccentric party goers, but luckily, the way scenes are paced still makes you care who's going to die, which I can happily say about this over many other generic slashers. The only other obvious glaring issue is the last half hour, which is an overly long chase through a couple of the haunted houses. It's a fun sequence for like five minutes, but then well overstays it's welcome. If someone could just edit it down, and then put in some alternate scenes with more murders in plain sight of the crowds of visitors, this could easily be one of my favorites of the year. But as now, it's just a fun little time.
I'M BACK! OH YEAH, FUCK THIS MOVIE.
Venom is unfortunately everything I feared it would be. This year has been especially brutal to blockbusters as studios are rushing to neuter their projects in hopes of recouping losses from spending too much on their budgets, even though Logan, Deadpool, and IT have proven R rated films can be monster hits. We've seen Jason Statham trash talk The Meg just days before release, and while that may have made half a billion dollars, no one is talking about it and is already culturally irrelevant. These are the kinds of movies were are putting on the top box office charts; shit we don't even like. Now we have Tom Hardy depressingly revealing in interviews all his favorite bits to film were cut out the movie, something a good forty minutes. It shows, the editing and pacing of this movie is a haphazard mess. Scenes come and go so quickly, you're never sure what emotion to be feeling. Eddie breaks up with his fiancée and like, it jump cuts six months later so quickly and he's being goofy. Events transpire like fingers snapping, so a lot of it becomes a blur. One of the scientist ladies comes to Brock because she thinks evil baddy, Drake, is doing immoral research using the symbiotes. She seems kind of interesting, but her only purpose is to dispel hideously bland exposition, make a snappy one liner to a security guard, get caught, then given as a test subject to a symbiote. No one in this pile of cinematic universe dreck is given an ounce of character development outside of Eddie. Tom Hardy shines in the few moments he gets to chow down on some frozen tater tots, but they're cluttered in between headache inducing action scenes that can't show any violence. Upgrade just came out a couple months ago and that's a better Venom movie than this, beaming with a better paced story and much more paid off emotion (the first ten minutes had me near crying), plus, hardcore violence. I hate to play the IMDB audience normie reviewer, but I'm just going to say it, imagination is for pussies. If I'm dropping down $12+ on ticket, and it's not explicitly an arthouse film, you're damn right I'm going to be mad when violence is happening as part of the set piece and you don't show it on screen, especially if that's the selling point of a movie. This was so clearly shot to be R, I could just picture the blood splattering and grotesque imagery, but because of the editing, it's not there. The PG-13 curse has robbed us of Venom ripping people's faces to shreds. Oh sure, they imply it, hell, he does it a few times, but the cutting happens so quick, it's like he swallows them whole and quickly disposed of off screen. Venom resorts to just jumping all around the room and throwing people into walls. The disappointment I feel watching a freaking Venom film, a property that's come from a more serious comic book series and has the potential to withhold a three hour R rated epic shows how much the mark has gone left field. Sony would rather make the character as friendly as possible and able to blend right in to the Marvel Cinematic Universe if I buy out would happen. This is the movie industry today. I saw a review for this movie in a magazine that mistakenly categorized this as a film in the Infinity War. I don't blame them. I can't tell the difference. The stink you get from the formulaic quips, forgettable villains, and regurgitated hero origin story could fit right alongside Ant-Man. What a bollocks shame.
For never was a story of more woe than this of Adam Scott and his agent.
There's a reason the term "Straight To Netflix" has been coined. For years, it seemed Netflix would become the answer to cable television and multi-chain theaters; everyone would switch to digital streaming services and all new films and long form shows would be watched via the internet. Only one little problem: a lot of the content being dumped onto these platforms are total garbage. I had no interest in checking this out, as I had already seen the original The Omen in theaters, but my father wanted to try it out, so why not. Trust me, all you'll be greeted to is an abhorrent display of mediocrity. Eli Craig may have put out one successful horror comedy, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, which critics began to quickly overpraise the talent presented. little evil is one of the most forgettable and plagiarist amateur pieces I've sat through. When the film isn't directly ripping the montages from Edgar Wright's films, it's copying the scripts from Silent Hill and a bevy of other better projects. It's downright jarring to see a very polished quick location switch montage borrowed from Shaun Of The Dead in the midst of all these other film school-tier shots. Shots will be digitally all in focus, no depth of field to speak of, very poor framing of actors (see Adam Scott in the car at beginning), no real artistic vision to speak of. It's like a second unit director, whom are usually out to get pick up shots, was given the reigns to shoot the main pieces. And the slog of a joyless and heavy on annoyance script doesn't at all overcome the lackluster presentation. It tries to be clever by throwing in a couple twists at the end but fails miserably at developing any tension. I get the idea is they want this to be a comedy, with a couple scary bits being the undertone, but the humor is the most sassy blackcent shit ever, most relying on this hideously ear-grating co-worker who's throw in for no reason other than "comic relief." The creators were hoping that would be the driving force, since they forgot to make the child at all intimidating. Nothing they do works; when they try bad CG demon composites (few and far between), it looks too cheesy to startle or disturb, and the poor little actor just doesn't have an intimidating appearance to fool you. No set-ups or pay-offs to speak of, the mother is the most worthless, disposable, underdeveloped, totally avoided plot device in a recent motion picture. Nothing that captures your little imagination, it's honestly draining to watch. You see every moment coming, just, whatever, fuck this movie and Netflix for approving this kind of soulless nonsense to continue parading around on the platform for suckers to sap into. People wonder why I have such a vendetta against the company, their originals like this is why. I'm so confused how people can look at by-the-numbers dreck such as little evil and just shrug, meanwhile lampooning and attacking other bigger budgeted films with much more artistic merits. Priorities are so backwards.
I mean, I'm a fan of historical films, big time, I think if you can accurately portray a point of history and grip me from start to finish, it's an out of this world film. Schindler's List, The Pianist, Defiance, Life is Beautiful; all Holocaust films that engaged me and never halted to a grinding slug. The characters are given enough stock and feel like real human beings. The story doesn't feel like a retelling of events for the sake of historical accuracy, but rather a complete narrative arc. In Life is Beautiful, the boy wins the tank and finds his mother. In Schindler's List, the war ends and Oskar sets free all the Jews he was harboring. Unfortunately, Operation Finale fails to reach a cinematic aesthetic, so it ends up feeling like made for television. Scenes kind of just happen for the sake of keeping events accurate, without much regard for asking, "You know, will this being entertaining for the audience?" Oscar Isaac is fine, I guess-- he kind of just says his lines. The only sequence the film got more engrossing is when he's acting opposite Kingsley. Adolf believes he should be able to tell his side of what happened during his time as head of the camps. Watching the two bounce back and forth perked me up a little bit, as I had started to fall asleep within the first twenty minutes; quite an accomplishment. They try to also "explore" the hive mind phenomenon that brought impressionable teenagers to the Nazi regime, but it's glossed over with no finishing arc, it could've been cut out of the movie. Watch Swing Kids if you're eager to see that on screen. The televisual cinematography leaves a lot to the imagination. They couldn't find any other creative ways to shoot these scenes? The framing is so flat and the editing is like an assembly line chop, you can count the cuts. Even during the alluring conversations with Isaac and Kingsley, the laborious presentation kept it back from being better. I don't remember any of the characters' names; just don't bother; the most average a film can get.
You have no interest in what I have to say. Unless it confirms what you think you already know.
Okay, before I type anything, a little update on my writing. I feel like I try to correct myself too often, to make my reviews appear more professional than they really are, which can get in the way of my actual opinions on a movie, and getting reviews out quicker. I'm doing it right now as I type this, it's become a habit. My point is, from now on, I'll try to just spill out my thoughts without worrying too much about format. I'll keep them in mind, but what I want to share comes first. The Happytime Murders is your standard detective murder mystery, only with a gimmick of Muppets being very adult (swearing every other sentence). What makes this so funny is it's directed by Jim Henson's brother, who's responsible for The Muppet Christmas Carol and it's funded by the Jim Henson Company. This is basically a Muppets movie, just for adults. At first, it appeared as just one of those spoof parody movies made by the two hacks who did Disaster Movie, but no, this is the real deal. That said, the script needed work if it wanted to at all resonate with audiences and stand out as a classic you could revisit. This lacks the charm or wit of, say, an Edgar Wright film. It's amusing as hell to see a Muppet in a porn shop, watching a puppet jack off a cow, but it kind of just shows adult behavior without earning any of it or showing it in a clever way. Okay, so puppets are snorting cocaine and jizzing all over the place. It stops being funny after ten minutes. This movie would work better as just a short comedy sketch, like a twenty minute television pilot. Melissa McCarthy is surprisingly passable, I usually find her type of yelling and fish out of water humor annoying, but she restrains herself a little here. All I can say is, if you want to see Muppets be represented as an oppressed group in society (social commentary on minorities), dealing drugs, having sex, saying "fuck" every other sentence, you could find enjoyment in pirating this flick. I would like to see them make a sequel to this, actually. There's potential with this approach, just needs an original, crazy script, that's worthy.
I hated Crazy Rich Asians. When the film isn't sending you through montage orgasms, it's telling one of the most cliché and surprisingly underdeveloped romcoms in the last hundred years. There's a reason the proposal on the airplane has become a joke about it's overuse, they just parodied it in an AT&T commercial. How the hell people are looking at this amateurish display of subplots and spikes of drama as anything other than "been there, done that" flabbergasts me. The biggest single praise I've seen for Not so crazy, Royalty Asian-Americans is it's stellar and diversity-quota representation. "This film is so revolutionary because of it's all Asian cast!" Never mind the fact China regularly puts out big budget films, with insane box office returns, all the time. Let's all forget Zhang Yimou's The Great Wall, which was a giant American and China co-production with an overwhelmingly large Chinese cast. That came out two years ago. Anyone screaming praise about the, not even fully Asian, cast is a brainwashed soyboy who wants to be W O K E. Your representation does not make a good film. Nothing that comes up in this film heightens any kind of drama at all. A random affair thing with a couple in the royal family gets brought up, but dealt with so quickly and with very little consequence, it comes and goes like a passing emoji on a Facebook livestream. Speaking of emojis, the inconsistent editing is another problem with this movie. Why is there a hyper fast edited social media montage in the first ten minutes of the film, clearly stylized with stock footage and done by a separate editor, and nothing like that sequence is replicated or topped afterwards? It's really jarring in hindsight. To create some forced conflict, off-screen, the traditionalist and "bigoted" mother hires some investigator to look into Rachel Chu's family history, to get her to leave her rich son. It's totally out of left field, comes across like a Disney twist villain, it's comical and not clever. Maybe the reason people are praising this is for "the immigrant stands up to the traditionalist" and anything that tackles that sort of topic is automatically good. Seeing Chris Stuckmann squirm his way through his review, like, "You'll have fun with this movie. Go see it to support Asian representation" makes me sick. We should be supporting good cinema, regardless of cast. I want to go see Searching, which has an Asian lead. I like the Asian culture and aesthetic, but this does nothing for me, no, wait, it insults me. If all you're looking for is a blandly directed John M. Chu movie (the cinematic genius behind the Jem and the Holograms movie and the Justin Bieber documentary), with a plot as predictable as a children's book, just in service of "wacky" people doing not so wacky things, just cause, by all means, keep saying this movie is a masterpiece. I compare it to Fifty Shades Of Grey because of it's almost fanservice and spectacle like attitude. With no regard to writing a timeless and emotional plot you'll remember for the ages, it sends you off on a tourist like safari through Asian food and "glorious" rich mansions, then tacks on stupid drama to make it seem like it has plot. I want to know why this movie's objectively good, outside it's overrated, and frankly horribly acted, cast. This story is so overdone and nothing unique is done here. I'm baffled this is what people accept now, this is how low standards are.
Everyone's seen this movie already, so my thoughts really don't matter. I saw this out of obligation, not 'cause I was on the edge of my seat in roaring anticipation if my flavor of the month favorite character would live. All I can say, this is the best Marvel Studios movie, just on the basis it feels like a... movie. Yeah, with a story, a character to follow, and a real artistic production value behind it. Granted, it still falls short because of the studio mandating and tiresome quips, some of the jokes land, but most don't. The real protagonist of the film is actually Thanos. From the start, you follow him, like he was written with the hero's journey in mind, and he has a clear set up and pay off. He's the best written character in this entire goddamn universe because he is interesting; he has purpose, and I can say that since I've seen over 13 of these released products. As vengeful and heinous as his "overpopulation" removal solution may be, he actually gives solid reason for his actions and you almost end up feeling for him over any of the other disposable and rather annoying superheroes. Who the hell even is Bruce Banner anymore? What does he do? What is his job? Why does he not contribute anything more to this universe other than babble around and turn into the Hulk every once in a while? He's the most useless character in all of this. Thankfully, the Russos' actually attempt to demonstrate the consequences this time around, and use basic human emotions to tell the story. Because of Peter's sudden lack of judgment and losing control of his anger, Thanos gets the gauntlet back and dooms the entire universe. Gamora is given a decent backstory that comes into fruition, she's the adopted daughter (little one) of Thanos, and it works emotionally whenever the two are together. When certain characters are given proper screen time, this works. Other times, some are throw in purely for fan service and have no overall impact on the story. This movie should've just involved Gamora, Quill, Strange, Stark, and Parker, the rest of the cast is there to make this the Infinity War. I really hate Black Panther. This movie isn't bad. I still like Batman v Superman more, yeah, sue me. (I know we shouldn't compare the two, just throwing that out there)
It's odd, I write longer reviews for movies I don't like, but rarely for ones I love. I guess it's hard for me to express the feelings I get from watching a truly great work of art without sounding like I'm full of myself. Night is Short, Walk on Girl came out early last year, but I just caught it for the GKids fathom events in the theatre. Seeing Masaaki Yuasa's mug on screen for the after credits interview is an image I'll never forget. This Science Saru masterpiece deals with a lot of themes; the ever increasing passage of time that seems to go faster as you age, the dangers but also carefree excitement of adult life, love at first sight, etc. It's one of the craziest, but also extremely heartfelt journeys that I think a lot of us have felt in our lives at least once. Going back to American Graffiti or even Ferris Bueller, doing everything you see in sight to take advantage of the moment, because you have to leave and grow up. It's that crazy prom night you look back on with fond memories, remembering all the stuff you did, wanting to recapture that magic. Yuasa's fluid style really lends itself to this fast paced narrative, moreso than Lu Over The Wall, and the use of physical renderings to emulate emotions, like a court room scene symbolizing a conflict of emotions that's happening in a head, and flowers blooming from the stomach to capture that bubbly feeling you can get from drinking. It's hard to pick on scene I love the most, it's all so memorable, like one night, the entire journey is the best moment. The girl with black hair, mirroring her counterpart from The Tatami Galaxy, is just on a quest to become an adult, so she goes across town to different bars just drinking and meeting all these odd assortment of people. Each of them have their own strange romantic stories they're still a part in, and little does the girl know, she's in one too. The first three fourths of the movie is just a wild, crazy, silly extravaganza across the city, but the last half hour takes a more restrained tone as the girl starts to visit people who have gotten colds, laying in their beds, each of who's story has found some kind of end. Seeing the girl mature throughout the story is one of the greatest experiences I've seen on screen, and it's surprisingly funny too. If you're in the mood for just some crazy animation, but a story with all of life in it, you may want to pop it up, by chance.
It's The Revenant without the Tom Hardy revenge plot. It is exactly that, only in the process, our lead befriends a wild wolf. There isn't much else to say than that. It's basic shit, but all in service of some of the best cinematography and visual effects I've seen for a movie in a while. Albert Hughes seems to have a pretty solid track record of films, and his DP Martin Gschlacht does well taking cues from Zack Snyder and Larry Fong. So many shots in this look like they're out of Watchmen or 300. There's lots of good symmetrical framing, usually against something in the distance like mountains, or a sunset, or a herd of wildebeests, and they make sure to rack up the slow motion for the really impressive ones. It's almost like a ballet, every element is beautifully aligned to upmost perfection. At times, it's too perfect. Maybe the digital elements and sometimes CG animals hurt the illusion of a gritty environment, the opposite of the hand held approach of The Revenant. But still, there's some elegant work here, it benefits seeing in a large auditorium. It feels like those 45 minute IMAX shows they do in, like, museums, or Baraka, only this is a longer feature. I'm not sure if this movie will hold up on home formats, I'd have to check it out on the 4K television, but if you're at all interested in seeing this, see it now in theaters. Don't wait for the digital download, go on a ticket discount day.
I had to see it twice to confirm if I was crazy that I enjoyed this conventional safe corporate product. and to see Statham naked again, i ain't gay You all know what this is and what to expect from it. Just look at the poster and the title. The bar for quality has been set right there. But does that make experience inherently not worth bothering with? Would you be satisfied putting your money down for it? I can argue I got my money's worth, even if some of the blood and gore was neutered to reach a PG-13 and Chinese market. A shame uncut and more grotesque scenes were filmed, but will never be completed due to money. Despite it's lack of Piranha 3D ludicrous blood shed, there is a lot of action and spectacle to be had with The Meg. The plot is nothing more inventive than what The Asylum and syfy would greenlit, I've never read the novel, so I can't speak for the consistency. What bolsters the script up from it's depths of potential obscurity, is it's high budget crowd pleasing intuition. Lots of emphasis on quips, something I'm usually against, but luckily are implemented smoothly into each character. Not everyone is a damn comedian, it just feels more natural, only once did I feel the placement of a joke was unneeded. This is like what you'd expect from an old 70's exploitation flick, Statham is like the classic adventure hero; even one scene, he lifts his hat up like Indiana Jones. After a traumatizing incident in which he's forced to leave behind a group of people to save another set, he quits diving and retires to Thailand. But when an ocean trench expedition involving his ex-wife goes wrong, he's persuaded to come back in and help. The first half of the film is like Deep Blue Sea, setting up the locations in characters; it's more of a rescue set-up for the megalodon to come in later. It's not like the story of Gareth Edwards' Godzilla, how Godzilla's origins are deeply intertwined into the narrative. This, you could replace the shark with any deep sea creature, it doesn't matter too much, except for the finale. Once the titular monster comes on screen, the movie officially begins. From there, you get the dumb fun you want, and there's a good amount of it. Want to see the shark swallow a diving cage whole? Sure, why not? Anything you want to see the shark do, it's in here somewhere. It's like Rampage in the sense it understands you just want dumb fun. I can respect a blockbuster that doesn't aim for quality, just looking to give you loads of delicious flavorful eye candy. What makes something like this work over another "dumb fun" blockbuster like Pacific Rim: Uprising, comes down to two things: The Meg isn't a sequel with expectations to be lived up to, and there's a competent story, start to finish. While it's not original, could be to blame that the novel is old, it works enough. The characters make up for any tiny lack of shark presence. If we can get more Asian actors in front of the camera like this, by all means, go for it. I'm just a sucker for the Asian aesthetic, see, this whole movie takes place in China and stars one of the country's biggest stars, so you can see why it's doing so great at the box office. This is how you do a silly summer cheese fest, it's not too over the top, it understands you want to see the shark, it has a classic story behind it, and places emphasis on the leads being at least entertaining to latch onto. Did any of you notice the nod to Jaws at the end? When the Meg sinks to the bottom of the ocean, it makes the same growling sound the blown up shark in Jaws did. Trivial knowledge for the hardcore fans out there.
I watched this again, with my father, in preparation to see The Meg, 'cause I was worried hearing reports the upcoming film was neutered of it's blood soaked glory. I wanted to compensate any blue balls I thought I would have by first drowning myself in wild girls tits and ripped apart penises before inevitable disappointment. I think Piranha loses some of it's enjoyment on repeat viewings, but there's enough over the top fun and classic b-movie antics to keep all horror fans satisfied. It's crazy to see such a crass and low brow endeavor like this film get critical acclaim from critics. The effects aren't the greatest, the story is childish, but the greatest attribute it boasts I proudly agree with is it doesn't hold back. This is a clear cut modern example of not taking yourself seriously, just having fun with your premise. You want to see an entire lake of spring breakers get ripped to fucking shreds with blood and gore everywhere? You will most definitely get it and more. You want to see Christopher Lloyd briefly reprise his role as Doc Brown raving about the piranhas? You got it. Want to see Eli Roth get his head cut off? You bet your ass you'll get it. Want Adam Scott to shoot piranhas with a shotgun while riding a jet ski? It's here, baby. How about tearing the shit out of them with a boat propeller detached like a chainsaw? I'll stop spoiling the fun. It's a crazy match made in heaven, few "don't take yourself seriously" films like Sharknado hit that very specific sweet spot that makes the film fun as hell to watch, but not in a laughing at it bad way. Piranha 3D is the very rare gore fest that knows how to have loads of genuine summer fun; a return to 80's exploitation.
"He gets in your head, like a virus."
There is no way I can approach this movie with that score without looking like I'm out of my fucking mind. I unfortunately have to side with Jeremy Jahns on this. I don't understand what makes this movie so inexplicably worse than other shit like Winchester, Truth or Dare, The First Purge, and so on. And let me just say, I don't think Slender Man is that great, far from it. I want to see what the inevitable Blu-ray extended cut will feature that hopefully completes the fractured narrative this has. To watch the first trailer and then see my favorite parts from the trailer are just flat out missing, was a bummer to me. But, I think the film offers more in the way of genuine scares and creepy imagery than most other horror movies of the last few years. All too often, we audience bitch about the use of incessant and cheap jump scares, and this one does have some, but the most memorable parts are the montages with seizure inducing flashes of disturbing and abstract pictures. It earns it's jumps and uses them in the right places. There is a strong component in this that relies on psychological horror, and asking the viewer the question, "Are these characters just imagining all of this or are they going insane?" People are complaining there is a lack of a story, but I felt it was there, just placed more subtly. This isn't a movie that has an easy to follow beat for beat story like IT or A Quiet Place. I'm not saying this is smarter written than those, no, but what's done here is reliance on the characters being appealing enough that you just follow them along as they break down mentally. Since I rather dug the teenagers here, as opposed previously mentioned trash, I found it easy to get into the transpiring events. The film is set in a small, mostly run down town, and the surprisingly not obnoxious four lead girls all have unhappy lives, one has an abusive father, and their group wish is to skip town and just go somewhere, kind of like the seniors in American Graffiti. What makes the pay off all the more a real closure is, they technically got their wish, they did leave, just not the way they wanted to. They're now in another dimension. The story starts off simple, they watch a video and then one of the friends goes missing, but the rest of the movie is them hopelessly trying find a way to stop the psychosis. One of my favorite parts is the reveal that Wren desperately used Hallie's sister as practically a sacrifice to appease the Slender Man to get him to go away. The performances these kids puts on is more raw than I expected, I actually believed I was watching some kids on the brink of mental collapse. Okay, enough spoiling, I'll get into more of the technical shit I liked. There's good use of mystery here. It could've been honed in collectively better, but they tried. This hearkens back to the glory days of The Ring and my favorite horror film of all time, Sinister, where the use of technology, old and new, is implemented in their resources figure out the Slender Man mystery. The stuff I crave that I don't seen enough films do is the "found footage" prop, or the "Once you see it, you'll shit brix" element that scares me the most. When Hallie is looking at online videos of "supposed" Slender Man encounters, pauses one, and sees the figure in the background, that's what gets to me. The fear of not knowing something was actually there is what I love; and it raises the question further, is Slender Man just tinkering with the footage or was here there? That's what this film really excels at: making you paranoid. The shots of the woods are beyond excellent. While there's a lot of dark color work, it works, as the on location shoot they did implemented a lot of fog, to highlight the silhouettes of the trees. This movie repeatedly pulls out the rug from the viewer and has the thin Slender Man emerge from an object, pole, or tree that looks like him. It happens multiple times, so eventually, you become on the edge, looking all over the screen, waiting for him to come out. Once that effect hits you, that's what you'll see when you walk outside at night. Couple that with some of the best sound design of this year, you have a movie that has quite a few tense and shake inducing sequences. Everything here has a pattern, three bell sounds, three knocks on the door, the attention to detail is exquisite at times. Maybe I'm stretching for qualities that are present in other, better, movies, but I really got a kick out of the presentation offered here. They didn't twist the mythology of the title character at all, if anything, they were too faithful, and that's why they had to cut it down. I loved the use of a real actor and costume for the Man, even if it got overshadowed by the giant CG leg monster that unwinds at the end. This is all wholly subjective, and maybe I just have the worst taste imaginable, but I have to wonder where the complaints are coming from other than picking on the movie being "made too late" or "it has no story" or other empty complaints I keep seeing regurgitated. Give credit where credit is due. I'm not saying the film is immune from criticism, I think the story is actually incomplete, but I got a massive high from it's colonial subtle creepiness and mystery restraints. Sony, please release the footage that was clearly shot, finished, and promptly cut, for the home video release. We need to see what was removed. I'm going to see this again, and later with the cut stuff, to further evaluate if maybe I was reaching here, or I actually think this movie is underrated.