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Private Notes
*(ring, ring, ring)
"Mmmph.. Hu-hello?"
"Herro James. Is bad time for call?"
"Whu... Cocopa? What are you doing? It's like... three in the morning."
"I love-a James. James is number one special friend."
"Cocopa, I told you never to call me here. What if Elyse wakes up?"
"We play game. James like-a Cocopa's games? Game loading. Cocopa ready for super fun-time James game."
"... Give me ten minutes."
Jacob and I had our first fight today. I claimed that Boss Nass was a different species than the rest of the Gungans due to his widened jawline and lack of protruding eye stalks. Jacob insisted that they are all clearly the same species and that Nass's unique morphology was simply due to weight gained from a lifetime of opulence and leisure. Finally, we compromised by having Omar and Dan beat the christ out of us with some rusted folding chairs we found in a dumpster.
Disney could make every depraved act in every one of these Rule 34s canon and it still wouldn't be as offensive as that f***ing space-cow riding scene from Attack of the Clones.
A little over a year ago my wife kicked open our bedroom door and claimed her lordly right of "Prima Nocta". Now I've got this little s**t-stained baby bugging me day and night. Wrap it up, kids.
Cue the "More You Know" graphic!
Tom Holland's Spider-Man is okay, I guess, but his performance strays a little too far from the original source material of floppy bangs, finger guns, and jazz piano solos.
At this point it might actually be easier to just build a time machine and travel back to 2002 so we can actually play one of these stupid games. If you guys got any hot tips for that, just bombard the subreddit as usual.
Fun history fact: When he wasn't too busy marrying his cousin or banging his many mistresses, Franklin Roosevelt actually also served three and half terms as President of The United States!
"When you get a second can you blur out more of the girl on the Hoverboard getting banged by the man in the inflatable dinosaur costume."
- Things you'll hear casually said around the Funhaus offices.
"Holy f*ing sh*t! Did you guys see that fing battlefield?! There were like, what? Forty, fifty thousand dead and wounded motherfers just baking out there? Jesus Sh*t-stained Christ that was tough to look at. I know this fing war is important and all, but god damn, you c**suckers are nuts!"
Abraham Lincoln (Original opening lines, Gettysburg Address)
INT. WILLEMS HOUSE - DAY
We see the Willems family, JAMES, ELYSE, AND BENSON, sitting around the dinner table in silence for several minutes. James stabs at his food, a look of profound sadness on his face. Elyse looks up, about to say something, then stops herself. The clock ticks away. Finally, Elyse musters the courage to speak.
"I'm sure Cocopa's in a better pl-"
"DON'T YOU EVER SAY HER NAME!"
Elyse sheepishly looks down at her plate. James stares out the window. The clock ticks away.
