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Private Notes
Billy and Dympna's married life is off to a shaky start thanks to the interfering "advice" from Da, Ma and Uncle Andy.
Meanwhile, Ma and Cal wonder why for the past 25 years Da has always asked for two of every meal and drink, from dinners to desserts to double whiskies. Cal wants to get to the bottom of things, but Ma cautions against following Da: "No Son! I followed him out of a dance 40 years ago and look what happened to me!"
We discover Da's big appetite is actually his way of smuggling supplies to Red Tim O'Leary, an IRA man on the run, who has been holed up in the attic of Divis Tower for the past 25 years!
Over in East Belfast, Uncle Andy and Big Mervyn decide to form a loyalist political party in order to get a free trip to London. The call themselves the Protestant Loyalist Organisation for Protestants aka the PLOPS and head for Downing Street via Soho and theatreland!
It's time for the Kneebreakers drinks licence to be renewed and Uncle Andy expects Billy to "put it through on the nod" as in previous years. However Billy's new boss, the morally upright Inspector Brodie, is determined to do everything by the book and the Kneebreakers just doesn't make the grade.
To add insult to injury, The Armalite and Ballot Box is awarded its license without incident, largely because Da, as the entertainments officer, has designated the club a cultural community centre.
Uncle Andy decides that what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and decides to write a play which will be performed in the Kneebreakers in order to get the drinks license passed. But will "A Man for All Marching Seasons" staring Red Hand Luke pass muster with the inscrutable Inspector Brodie?
Only a few months into wedding life and Dympna is feeling taken for granted - her life is a constant round of cooking, ironing and skivying for Billy and Uncle Andy.
The final straw comes when she discovers Uncle Andy making "alterations" to her beloved wedding dress (which he has sold to the pregnant fiance of Big Mervyn's nephew, Wee Richard!) She goes back to Ma and Da and drowns her sorrows.
When she wakes the following morning and is sick, thanks to a horrible hangover, Billy gets the wrong end of the stick and thinks she's pregnant! Dympna, enjoying the attention, decides to play along with the charade, but when Billy's police medical shows that he is sterile there's trouble brewing...
Red Hand Luke's psychiatrist has recommend that he take up woodwork to control his aggression. So Luke decides that Orange Terrace needs a whole new set of furniture - and Uncle Andy's paying for it whether he likes it or not!
What's more Luke wants his cash pronto as he's had a premonition that Andy will die on Saturday! His "dream" is a litany of strange events: firstly, Andy will meet a four legged man; will then be snogged by Vanessa Feltz; will have fish rain down on his house; and finally be visited by the grim reaper!
Uncle Andy thinks he's safe because such bizarre things could never happen. However, when Billy returns from a Greenpeace "Save the Irish Sea" demonstration on crutches and reveals that the lads down the station are calling him four legs, Andy starts to panic! And when Vanessa Feltz arrives on his doorstep he's practically hysterical...
It's Da's birthiday and Cal has decided to surprise him with a party. In order to round up all Da's old mates, Cal goes online to "provosreunited.com" and sends out a few thousand invites!
Meanwhile over in east Belfast, Billy is busy swotting up on "some legal stuff" in preparation for his interview for sergeant. Unfortunately for Billy though, Andy and Mervyn seem determined to distract him from his books and Dympna is more interested in booking a holiday!
Seamus (Gerry's right-hand man and personal bodyguard) pops over to visit Divis Tower to tell Da that Senator Billy Helms from Dakota will be coming to visit for tea on Thursday. He warns Da not to do or say anything stupid. Naturally Da takes offence at the implication he is a social liability, but when some surprise birthday guests appear from the depths of South America armed with AK47s and a profound hatred of the good ole US of A he starts to panic...
Uncle Andy is none too pleased to discover that the members of the Kneebreakers Lodge have elected Cedric Dickson as their new Grand Master. It transpires that Cedric and Uncle Andy go way back - all the back to borstal in fact! But Andy has never forgiven Cedric for making a success of the antique business they started together and for stealing his girl - Gwendolen.
Tensions are running high in Divis Tower too as Da waits feverishly for his invitation to the Lord Mayor's Ball. It seems that everyone has received their invite except him. Surely Lord Mayor Maskey hasn't forgotten or, worse, decided not to have Da at the big bash...
Back in Orange Terrace, Andy's campaign of poision pen letters are having the desired result as Gwendolen throws Cedric out of the marital home for fooling around with Big Barbara the barmaid. When Cedric arrives on Andy's doorstep and pleads for him to intercede for him, Andy finds himself having a cosy candlelit tête á tête with his former sweetheart. But are her motives entirely honourable?...
