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Private Notes
There's trouble brewing in Divis Towers when Gerry Adams tells Da to shave off his beard because he's fed up being mistaken for him. Eventually they come to a compromise - Da can keep his beard if he agrees to do a "wee favour" for Gerry.
Over in Orange Terrace, Dympna and Billy are amused to discover that Uncle Andy and Big Mervyn have established themselves as a vigilante police force - the PPs (Protestant Police). They are determined to provide round the clock protection for the local community and to prove they are up to the job, Andy and Mervyn challenge each other to a stay-awake-athon.
Meanwhile, Da and Cal discover what the wee favour is.. they find themselves on windswept Winter Island in search of the missing Sinn Fein Rep, Fintan O'Dwyer. It turns out that Gerry is a bit concerned that he hasn't heard from Fintan in quite a while and just wants to make sure "that the fella's safe and well... and not in Colombia."
Back in East Belfast, Andy's scheme to win the stay awake challenge goes awry when his pre-recorded "conversation" tape is discovered by Billy and Dympna.
Da and Cal aren't having much luck either; Winter Island isn't exactly a friendly, welcoming sort of place. In fact it's populated by a group of grotesque and misshapen weirdos who seem to be determined that Da and Cal stay for longer than they planned to, and especially keen that they meet their god, Nuada... in person!
Uncle Andy and Mervyn's friendship is put to the test, when Dympna suggests that Andy might be holding Mervyn back. But ever loyal, Big Mervyn defends his mucker and says that he is grateful to have such a great friend and that he bears Andy no ill will at all - even if he did ruin his chance to become a world famous concert violinist!
However, the atmosphere of brotherly love and harmony is shortlived - later that day Billy and Dympna discover that Uncle Andy and Mervyn have had a major fallout. Indeed Andy goes so far as to declare that Mervyn is dead to him! Unfortunately as local loyalists hear of the breakup and take sides a huge loyalist feud develops.
As the feud intensifies, streets are barricaded, people flee their homes and worst of all - Dympna's aerobic class is cancelled! In order to restore some semblance of normality, Uncle Andy and Big Mervyn are persuaded to speak to Frankie Spence - an experienced loyalist mediator who is determined to get to the bottom of the problem...
Red Hand Luke becomes convinced he's going to die from kidney failure, despite the fact that doctors have told him the illness is all in his head! Dympna suggests that Luke's anxiety attacks stem back to his lack of a stable background and a father figure in his life.
Over in Divis Towers, it's Ma's birthday and, as ever, the poor woman is having a dreadful time of it. Thanks to a flea-ridden fur coat that Da bought her in a second-hand shop, she's covered in calamine lotion and the whole flat must be fumigated! She cheers up briefly when Cal gives her a musical birthday card but even that fails to work!
Back in Orange Terrace, Luke is in seventh heaven. He's finally found a father figure, someone he can rely on to indulge his every whim, take him to the funfair, buy him expensive gifts - Uncle Andy! Naturally Andy is less than happy with the situation, but he's just too scared to say no to the demented Luke. However, things come to a head when Luke demands one of Andy's kidneys for his transplant operation!
Da is delighted to discover he is being bugged - he thinks it proves his importance within the republican movement! Despite warnings from Sinn Fein to keep things quiet, Da organises a press conference only to discover the "bug" is in fact the computer chip from Ma's musical birthday card!
Ma and Da have got some new neighbours - a pair of blonde bombshells who seem to have taken a bit of a shine to Da and Cal! Ma's not a bit impressed by Da's antics in chatting up the girls but Da claims he's only trying to get a girl for his favourite son! Ma replies that the girls weren't good enough for her favourite son!
Cal doesn't get to bask in his new found popularity for long though, because his long lost brother Paul arrives back from America and suddenly Ma and Da are running around fussing over the prodigal son and forgetting all about Cal.
Over in East Belfast, things get a bit cramped when Cal, Big Mervyn, a cockatoo and Percy the Python all arrive as houseguests. Chaos ensues until Billy can take no more and he orders all visitors out of the house at gunpoint!
The reason for Paul's return to the family home is revealed when Dympna discovers that he has been thrown out by his multi-millionaire wife for playing around! However Paul doesn't seem to be too put out about it and consoles himself with the blonde neighbours! He eventually gets his comeuppance though when the girls turn out to be journalists getting the inside track on the scandal.
It's approaching Christmas and Da and Cal have hit on a surefire way to make a bob or two. Their rather dodgy contact, Sean Paul, promises to supply them with 200 turkeys at a bargain price of only one pound each. They plan to flog the birds at £20 each and make a tidy profit.
Billy's luck isn't quite so good though: what with Dympna's lengthy Christmas list, mounting debts for his timeshare in Chechnya, and the fact that he's just been burgled! All in all, it looks like it will be a pretty grim Christmas at Orange Terrace. So when Mrs Hawthorne, a elderly neighbour, comes in to complain that her milk is being pinched, Billy isn't exactly too sympathetic...
Back at Divis Towers, Da and Cal are delighted to have off loaded all their turkeys to neighbours and friends (not to mention several senior people in Sinn Fein!). Imagine their shock when the turkeys arrvive - complete with feathers and a tendancy to run around!!
Mrs Hawthorne asks Billy to accompany her to the bank because she wants to lodge her life savings - £30,000. A matter of hours later, Billy is sitting in the lap of luxury - new furniture, a widescreen TV, and all of Dympna's presents under the tree. When word comes that Mrs Hawthorne has been murdered, suspicion rests on Billy, but is he really the guilty one?
Da and Cal have been asked to act as election agents for Deso Burke a Sinn Fein candidate for the seat of Dublin North East Central. Deso isn't exactly a pillar of the community - in fact he's seems to be a complete nutter!
Spurred on by the news that their inlaws have headed south, Uncle Andy and Big Mervyn decide to take a weekend in Dublin themselves to "bring succour and relief to our fellow protestants". Their initial fears of being ridiculed, robbed and set upon by unfriendly locals are soon allayed when they find themselves the lucky "millionth customer" of a Dublin pub!
Da and Cal have an equally rowdy night and they end up botching the application forms for Deso. Instead of proposing Deso for the seat, Cal mistakenly puts his own name forward and before he knows it, he is the official Sinn Fein candidate. Afraid of causing a North/South split within Sinn Fein, the party throw all their resources into Cal's campaign, with startling results. It soon appears that Cal has finally found his vocation - he is a hit with the voters and the only skeleton in his closet seems to be his family! Undeterred, the campaign organisers arrange for a "suitable" family for him - a wife called Jacky and a couple of cute kids. Naturally he wins the election by a landslide.
The only blot on the horizon is the disgruntled Deso who feels that all Cal's subsequent successes (taking over the leadership of Sinn Fein from Gerry Adams , winning the General Election and defeating Bertie Ahern) should have rightly been his...
