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Private Notes
A new year, a new Open Haus. But is anything really different in this, the year of Your Lord 2016?
Yes. In this episode we don't use any photoshops because we were really pressed for time on the edit.
I miss you, Joel.
Enjoy this episode of Open Haus with the full cast, because we're not going to have another full cast episode until everyone is back from Australia. Yup, the gang's all here: Adam, James, Lawrence, Bruce, Joel, Elyse, Spoole, and Peake. The whole Funhaus crew, chucklin' it up on the old laughnet.
Oh wait Lawrence isn't in this episode.
Fuck it, broken casts for 3 straight weeks.
You may notice that we have a few chairs empty today; that's because James and Elyse and Bruce are out in Australia. That mean it's this is a very special episode starring...
THE B TEAM!
That's right, it's the Best of the Rest, the Leftovers, the Dudes Back Home! Honestly, we weren't even sure if we could pull this together without the rest of the crew, but hey. We sacked up, decided it's OK if we're not quite as funny as everyone else, and dammit, we turned those webcams on and answered your questions.
So be grateful you even have an episode, you ingrates. I don't want to hear any complaints about who's not here. Because we're giving you everything we've got.
Hey guys (and girl)! James here! Traveling can be fun, but you know what isn't? Making videos when there's only like four of us in the office. "But there's six of you in this very video," you'll no doubt retort. Well, despite how it may appear, Peake is actually just a large stack of cardboard boxes and Joel is a computer generated hologram; like Hastune Miku or Debra Messing.
Anyway, things should be back to normal by next week, so until then, please watch us talk about hacking, superheroes, abortion, and plenty other stuff that kids 'jive' about in the school yard. Oops! I just pooped my pants. Gotta go!
Boy do I have great news for you. James (me) is going to write another Open Haus description! The only problem is... I'm not sure what to write it about. I'd make it something about the episode, but I don't want to spoil it. Maybe if I just tickle your collective fancies with a tasty morsel of things to come. Hmm... Let's see... what's good, but not so good that you'll only need to read the description and not watch the episode. Well... what about... Oh! I've got it! In this episode-- [Character Limit Reached]
Now I've had the time of my life
No, I've never felt like this before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the time of my life
And I owe it all to you
I've been waiting for so long
Now I've finally found someone
To stand by me
We saw the writing on the wall
As we felt this magical fantasy
Now with passion in our eyes
There's no way we could disguise it secretly
So we take each others hand
'Cause we seem to understand the urgency
Just remember
You're the one thing
I can't get enough of
So I'll tell you something
This could be love, because
I've had the time of my life
No I've never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth,
And I owe it all to you
Hey Baby
With my body and soul
I want you more than you'll ever know
So we'll just let it go,
don't be afraid to lose control, no
Yes I know what's on your mind,
when you say "Stay with me tonight"
(Stay with me)
Just remember, you're the one thing,
I can't get enough of
So I'll tell you something,
This could be love because
I've had the time of my life,
(I've had the time of my life)
No, I've never felt this way before,
Yes I swear it's the truth
(Yes I swear)
And I owe it all to you
Cause I've had the time of my life
And I've searched through every open door
(through everywhere)
Till I found the truth
And I owe it all to you
(Instrumental)
(REPEAT 2X)
Now I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before (Never Felt this way)
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the time of my life
And I've searched through every open door
Till I've found the truth
And I owe it all to you
False question. The real question is HOW are girls? And the answer varies. Sometimes well. Sometimes sick. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold depending on the weather. Sometimes girls are happy and they're just as often sad.
The important thing to remember is that girls are just like you and me. Don't be afraid of them. Show them the same respect you'd show your best mate, or your mother who -- believe it or not -- is a girl! Remember that girls are people and girls will treat you like people, too!
So Leo finally won. I guess that's good and all. But honestly I'd have preferred if he lost. First of all, I feel like at this late a date it's a consolation prize for everything he DIDN'T win for. He was WAYYY better in Wolf of Wall Street.
But second, and more importantly, at this point it's just fucking hilarious. I love that he doesn't win. I love the memes. I love how he pretends he doesn't care. I love watching people freak out about it. And they've taken that away from me, goddammit.
Our new office setup really makes Open Haus much better, wouldn't you say. We're sitting in a big circle. A donut, if you will, all facing inward. Constantly looking at each other, into each others' eyes, all day. The souls of all are bared to all, no secrets are hidden, and trust is the currency of our love. When I look across the chasm of the donut and I can see Lawrence intently gazing at me, I know we are one. And when James locks eyes with Bruce, I know why they married each other. This office was meant to be. We inhabit the same mindspace, sharing intimate thoughts. Working as one. Living as one. Forever in eternity.
So yeah, the desks are really helping out Open Haus.
I want to take this platform to address something that's been really bugging me over the last few months: Fail Army's Fail of the Week videos.
I feel like they've gotten way more self aware, lamer, and dumber. The number of people who say "FAIL ARMY" at the end of their videos has drastically increased. And what's worse, they're including so many videos are just AREN'T FAILS!
Cute animal videos are NOT A FAIL
Pranks are NOT A FAIL
Getting yelled at by an old man is NOT A FAIL
Come on. Get it the fuck together guys. Our Fridays depend on you.
Tensions are running high. James hates Peake. Peake hates Elyse. Elyse hates everyone. Everyone hates Bruce. It's a rough time in the old Funhaus office, so I asked everyone here to say something really kind and nice, to try and ease the stress.
Bruce: "This is a dumb exercise."
Lawrence: "Leave me alone."
Adam: "Joel stop. Just -- just stop."
James: "Get away from me."
Elyse: "No."
Peake: "I'm busy."
Omar: "....."
Benson: (peed on my foot)
Billie: (pooped on the pee on my foot)
Around the office we call Elyse the Mistress of Ten Thousand Voices. Her impersonations, as you've seen, are spot on. You've already been privy to her impression of Bruce, of Keira Knightly, and of Spoole. But what you haven't seen is Elyse's full grab bag of stage-ready vocal mimicry. I'm telling you she's the best.
Last night we were able to convince Elyse to do one of her classics: Bill Clinton imitating Nic Cage doing Jim Carrey as Oprah impersonating Bugs Bunny acting like Arnold mimicking Ella Fitzgerald pretending to be Mr. T aping PewDiePie emulating Nixon affecting Dirty Harry caricaturing Joan Rivers sending up Kermit the Frog copying Tina Fey mirroring Sylvester Stallone echoing Mr. Magoo portraying Dolly Parton posing as Homer Simpson representing a car alarm that sounds like the Vienna Boy's Choir singing in the style of Elvis performing as Mother Theresa.
It was pretty amazing.
Thank you for purchasing the all new Open Haus board game! This is a game for 6-9 players.
Contents of Box: 4 webcams and 1 Omar Cam, 9 office chairs, 1 SF Giants bobblehead, 1 quiet intern, and a Reddit account pre-subscribed to the Funhaus Subreddit.
You'll need: 5-8 friends and one Matt Peake, various props and costumes and sex toys.
How to Play: All players sit at a table facing each other. Using the provided Reddit account, source 5-9 questions from the Funhaus Subreddit. Make sure they're the same questions asked every week. Bonus points for a F/M/K or Game of Thrones question.
Begin recording using the provided webcams. Starting with the player in the "Adam" spot, ask the players questions, laughing or ignoring the answers depending on who's answering. Feel free to use any props/costumes/sex toys on hand to enhance your answers. Cease play when you reach the end of the questions, or when the player in the "Bruce" position gets bored.
Take the recording, and edit it heavily over the course of 3 days. Using the provided quiet intern, create dozens of photoshops people will see for 3.5 seconds each. Upload the video (making sure to monetize in all countries).
The commentors on the video will decide the winner. Have fun!!
Goodbye everyone. It's really been fun.
Here we are again. Another day, another OpenHaus. What more can we say? Have a great weekend. Then again, we finished this video on Friday. It's Tuesday for you.
Signed,
Matt Peake
Did you know that the entire Harry Potter series was written in a single night? It's true. Find out more fun facts like this in Open Haus. An informative series where we provide YOU with fun facts from AROUND THE GLOBE!
"Damn it, Peake! The Commissioner is crawling up my keister about the trail of bodies you left back at that warehouse sting! You're a loose cannon! I know those Peruvian smugglers killed your wife and daughter last week but god help me if you don't get your head straight, I'll have you emptying meters on Pico by the end of the week!"
"Dang it, Bones! The Constable is crawling up my tuckus about the pinata full of gummie bears you left back at that schoolhouse! You're a loose tiger! I know those Jamican exchange students liked your cat and goldfish last week but god help me if you don't get your giblets straight, I'll have you emptying pencil sharpeners in Math class by the end of the week!"
In the ruins of our UnCivil War with the boys of AH, we try and begin the healing process by giving all of you some much needed Slash-Fic fuel.
Somehow we're still talking about dead celebrities, but at least this time we have Cr1tikal and Barbara Dunkelman here to help us out.
Peake explores his deep desire to go on a grand Ewok adventure and fight a Gorax or whatever. Meanwhile, the rest of the team uses democracy to determine who is the girliest in the land.
Spider-Larr hears the wail of sirens, leaps to his feet, throws his manga to the floor, dons his suit, checks his web cartridges, glances at the manga, unzips his suit, reads a little more, has a light snack, passes out around 7:45.
The figure leaned in closer. It’s flesh had begun to seep. It’s eyes, greasy puddles of indigo.
“We are angry...and petty...and bored. We want back in. Not when those adorable omnipotent sleepyheads finally decide to put a pot of coffee on. Now.”
Reasons I've never been to an orgy:
Allergic to latex.
Sold all my Venetian masks.
Would feel obligated to stay and help clean up.
Nobody likes me.
I am writing this after 3 ridiculous days of RTX and have zero cleverness to give you. My deepest apologies. I go sleep-sleep now.
Dapper Danny Ocean (Jet Li) is a man of action. Less than 24 hours into filming some internet videos, the wry, charismatic thief is already rolling out his next plan. Following three rules: Don't sniff any butts, don't cry unless the pain is physical, and make sure to bow twice before diving into Hatsune Miku's cheeks. Jet, I mean uhhh... Danny then gets the other Ocean's ten together to watch Hachi: A Dog's Tale.
IX: Slowly, the beast looked down at his new adversary. Torrid breath steamed rhythmically through the holes in his steel mask. Its scarred body screamed the tales of countless battles, none of them lost. Farinfoor tightened his grip, hoping perhaps to give the thing one more wound to tend before it dispatched him. The wall of flesh stared down at Farinfoor through entombed eyes for what felt like an epoch. Then it looked up.
XV: His heart racing, Farinfoor’s eyes darted around the room.
“Where is he?! Where is The Impetus?”
The peculiar little man relaxed only slightly.
“Whoa! Back up a sec. The what? I don’t know any Impetu-”
Farinfoor charged at the small nuisance, fixing his blade beneath his neck. He had come too far to be delayed by some irrelevant sycophant.
“The Impetus! The maker! The helmsman of this gruesome, remorseless world!”
“Oh.” the man said. He smiled nervously, a hint of fortitude leaking back into his voice.
“I guess that’d be me.”
XXII: “I had towers of journals riddled with drawings and descriptions of this place. Monsters, heroes, kingdoms, mythologies! The more rich and detailed this world became the less time I had to spend in my own. My folks worried a little but they were mostly glad I wasn’t bothering them.”
Harry leaned his head on Farinfoor as he spoke. Something about the simple gesture reeked of arrogance.
“But then something insane happened. A girl talked to me. And well, to be honest, I kinda forgot about my journals after that.”
XXIX: Farinfoor permitted himself a joyless laugh as the pervasive, throbbing percussive beats slowed, quited, and ceased. All was still. Even the clamor of the battle outside abruptly vanished, its combatants seeming at once to forget their function. He peered down at this sea of bewilderment and felt some strange sentiment take hold. A sensation on unequaled possibility. Farinfoor turned from the window, eager to join friend and foe alike on the plain below when the tower suddenly began to shudder and moan.
They asked Jacob to make the photoshops for this episode. He dutifully did them. Jacob doesn't talk much any more. He mostly just stares off into space as an occasional shudder passes through his body.
Edi Amin's full self-bestowed title: "His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular"
Also he probably ate people.
You win this round, Elyse.
Yub nub, eee chop yub nub;
Ah toe meet toe pee chee keene;
G'noop dock fling oh ah.
Yah wah, eee chop yah wah;
Ah toe meet toe peechee keene;
G'noop dock fling oh ah.
Coatee cha tu yub nub;
Coatee cha tu yah wah;
Coatee cha tu glowah;
Allay loo ta nuv.
Glowah, eee chop glowah;
Ya glowah pee chu nee foom,
Ah toot dee awe goon daa.
*Coatee cha tu goo; (Yub nub!)
Coatee cha tu doo; (Yah wah!)
Coatee cha tu too; (Ya chaa!)
Allay loo ta nuv,
Allay loo ta nuv,
Allay loo ta nuv.
Glowah, eee chop glowah.
Ya glowah pee chu nee foam;
Ah toot dee awe goon daa.
Coatee cha tu goo; (Yub nub!)
Coatee cha tu doo; (Yah wah!)
Coatee cha tu too; (Ya chaa!)
Allay loo ta nuv,
Allay loo ta nuv,
Allay loo ta nuv,
Allay loo ta nuv.
I wish I could go back to a time when eating dried up tiny marshmallows out of a bowl would fill me with satisfaction. Now just crawling out of bed in the morning and yearning for puffed corn and the halcyon days will have to suffice.
I just try to regret everything I do as I'm doing it. It tends to save me a lot of time on the back end.
I think it would have to be that time when I was a sophomore in high school and that freshman called me fat in front of the whole geometry class and threatened to cut off my ponytail. Oh. You meant physical pain.
Actual Menu Items served at Guy Fieri's restaurants provided without commentary: Guy-talian Fondue Dippers, Righteous Rojo Rings, Brutha's Badass Caesar Salad, Tatted-Up Turkey Burger, Parmageddon Wings, S'mores Monte Cristo, Sashimi Won-Tacos, Pepperoni Studded Lasagna, Ferndale Lumber Jack.
This is the plan. Get your ass to Mars, and go to the Hilton Hotel and flash the fake Brubaker I.D. at the front desk, that's all there is to it. Just do as I tell you. You can nail that son of a b*h that f**d you and me. I'm counting on you, old buddy. Don't let me down!
My deepest secret is the recipe for these absolutely scrumptious lemon bars. That and the subterranean sex club I run out of my house. The secret ingredient for both? Love.
Humble beginnings are a staple of American life. One can only hope that when their time comes, they can boast that they once spouted obnoxious noises on a beloved 90's sitcom.
The idea of wrestling with a greased up Matt Peake in an insane asylum does not sound like something in a haunted house. It sounds like heaven.
I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I just got done with the drunk stream and I'm all out of funny. You try and be humorous after 46 minutes of "Silk Stalkings"! I f*$%ing dare you!
I honestly think that my very first rumblings of sexuality were brought on by watching Mo from "GUTS". She was just poured into that refs jersey.
Trying to wring ten minutes of comedy out of these guys guys is torture enough. Am I right? Right? I'll pack my things.
We don't really have any super brown people to denigrate and oppress but I supposed if we had to we could build a wall around Omar and Jacob.
I blame Jim Belushi for all these siblings of dead celebrities getting so much work in Hollywood. But then I blame Jim Belushi for most of the s#!t wrong with this world.
Today in "Ghost Dad" IMDB trivia that seems creepy in retrospect:Raven-Symoné auditioned for the role of Amanda Hopper but was deemed too young for the part. However, Bill Cosby liked her so much he then cast her as Olivia Kendall on The Cosby Show (1984).
By the time she won the coveted role of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, Judy Garland was already addicted to barbiturates and amphetamines. The Producer of the film then put Garland on a daily diet of chicken soup, black coffee, and cigarettes. Happy Holidays, everybody!"
All I want for Christmas is Rahul Kohli to speak to me for five god-damn minutes with that sweet accent of his. He could read a phone book or tell me I have cancer. I don't care.
Do you love Open Haus but just wish there were about six more substantially less funny people crammed into the shot dragging things down? Boy are you in luck!
