Season 1 2003

The first episode introduces five of the series' main characters. First introduced are Simmons and Grif as they ponder why they are in Blood Gulch, with a brief one-liner about Master Chief. The episode then cuts to Tucker and Church as they spy on Grif and Simmons and argue with each other over what the reds are doing. Back at the Red Base, Sarge interrupts the banter of Grif and Simmons and orders them down from the top of the base.

Sarge reveals the new jeep that has just arrived from Command and that a new recruit will be arriving soon. This serves as the introduction of the Warthog; Grif suggests calling it a Puma, as he does not think it looks much like a warthog. This episode reveals Sarge's disdain for Grif and Simmons' sycophantic nature toward Sarge. Meanwhile, on the cliff, Tucker and Church discuss the new vehicle and the tank they're to receive, with Tucker upset that "you can't pick up chicks in a tank".

At the Red Base, the new recruit, Donut, arrives. With Sarge at Command receiving orders, Grif and Simmons take the opportunity to haze Donut mildly, sending him "to the store" on a fool's errand for nonexistent supplies, such as elbow grease and headlight fluid. Meanwhile, the Blue Team receives two new additions: Private Caboose and a Scorpion-class tank. The end of the episode shows Donut approaching the Blue Base, mistaking it for the store.

Church talks with Tucker about his girlfriend back home. Attempting to join the conversation, Caboose accidentally calls Church's girlfriend a "slut". In response, Church assigns him a bogus flag-guarding duty, instructing him to wait for the "General". Still mistaking the Blue base for a store, and not wanting to return empty-handed, Donut helps himself to the flag. Caboose, mistaking Donut for the "General" Church spoke of, happily allows this to happen.

As Donut, who the Blues assume is Sarge (as both wear red armor), escapes with the flag, Church fires at him with a sniper rifle, missing each time. Church then orders Tucker to cut Donut off by using the teleporter; when Tucker fails to emerge on the other side, Church pursues on foot. Meanwhile, having heard the rifle shots, Grif eventually spots Church chasing Donut and decides to back up his teammate with the Warthog.

Church catches up to Donut, who he eventually realizes is not Sarge. His armor charred black, Tucker finally emerges from the teleporter, covered in "black stuff" (Probably soot) and startling the other two. When Donut insists that he is only a private, Tucker concludes that he has traveled back in time and has met a past version of Sarge. With the Warthog, Grif and Simmons then ambush Church and Tucker, pinning them behind a rock by using the Warthog's mounted chaingun. Realizing the situation, Caboose decides to use the tank to save his comrades.

While Church and Tucker lament their current situation, Caboose hops into the tank. The tank's artificial intelligence (AI) introduces itself as Sheila, and runs him through the tutorial mode. In an attempt to sneak up on the Blues, Grif and Simmons leave the Warthog and unsuccessfully try to go around the rock. Seeing that the Reds have abandoned their vehicle, Church and Tucker decide to grab it. The tank drives up behind the Reds and takes aim at Grif. This episode is followed by a "next time on Red Vs Blue" feature, which states "someone will die." and Sarge replies "I sure hope it's Grif."

Grif and Simmons flee from Caboose and Sheila; Grif abandoning Simmons after he had hatched a plan for a joint escape. Once Caboose manages to activate the auto-fire mechanism, the tank begins to systematically target and destroy everything present. Sheila subsequently hits the Warthog, sending it flying, but Grif and Simmons continue to flee and successfully evade the cannon fire. Church becomes the next target, however, and is killed when Caboose fails to deactivate Shiela's auto-fire operation; Tucker accuses Caboose of team-killing ("You shot Church, you team-killing f***tard!").

Caboose and Sheila continue to blast away at the Warthog, eventually propelling it onto the top of the Red Base. The Reds suddenly receive a radio call from Sarge, who is returning to the gulch. Learning of the situation, he flies in with air support, bombing Sheila out of action. Initially struggling to open the driver canopy, Caboose narrowly escapes death. (This is the first episode in which Caboose is referred to by name; previously, he had always been simply the "rookie".)

While Caboose cleans the "black stuff" off of Tucker's armor, Tucker calls Blue Command for reinforcements. Vic, their contact at Command, informs them that they will be sent a "freelancer" (mercenary) named Tex. Church's ghost appears in order to warn the Blue Team about Tex, who once slaughtered his entire squad at Sidewinder. As he disappears, he warns his teammates to prevent Tex from becoming involved. Tex soon arrives, wearing black "Special Ops" armor.

Lopez repairs the Warthog, while Grif takes the blame for its destruction. Meanwhile, at the Blue Base, Tex uses Caboose for target practice, while ignoring Tucker's attempts at friendly conversation. Tex suddenly decides to leave in order to infiltrate the Red base. During the attack, Tex sticks a plasma grenade to Donut's head and, in the ensuing chaos, also attacks Grif and Simmons.

Having knocked out Grif and Simmons after attacking Donut, Tex retrieves the Blue flag, but is surprised and captured by Sarge and Lopez. Church appears again at the Blue Base and reveals that Tex is actually female. Back at the Red Base, Donut, badly injured from the grenade explosion, is Airlifted out of the gulch for treatment. Tex eventually regains consciousness, and her voice modulator malfunctions, revealing her gender to the Reds.

Church tells Tucker and Caboose that Tex is not only female, but also his ex-girlfriend. Simmons and Grif are left to guard Tex. Meanwhile, Church continues to explain the situation to Tucker and Caboose, revealing that Tex's meanness and toughness are partially due to an AI in her armor. He then outlines a plan to rescue Tex.

To distract the Reds and deceive them into believing that the Blues have more Special Operations soldiers, Tucker and Caboose go through the teleporter to turn their armor black. When they attack the Red Base, Tucker's bickering with Caboose leads to Church admitting that "I can'tn believe I died for this war." Sarge mistakes Caboose's stupidity for tactical brilliance and summons Grif to help to repel this new attack, leaving Simmons alone guarding Tex. Church possesses Sarge's body and uses it to deceive Simmons and free Tex. However, Caboose, wishing to impress Church and make amends for killing him, shoots Sarge in the head with the sniper rifle, not knowing that Church was possessing Sarge's body; Caboose quickly blames Tucker for this.

Now both dead, Sarge and Church meet in the spiritual plane and talk. Sheila also appears here, but is quickly rebuked by Church, who is still angry at her for killing him. Church represents himself to Sarge as an angel and offers to lead him to heaven for a fee. The two swap complaints about their teammates until Grif revives Sarge by using cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). Having forgotten his spiritual experience, Sarge initially thanks Simmons, but, upon learning that it was Grif who saved him, berates Grif for the illogicality of using CPR "for a bullet wound to the head." During when Sarge tells Grif off about the bizzare treatment, he shouts out "What were to happen when someone shoots me in the foot, you'd rub my neck with Aloe Vera?!"

A healed Donut returns from Red Command with new pink armor, which he insists is "lightish red". Sarge pokes fun at Donut by addressing him with feminine titles like "Madam","Strawberry Shortcake", "Pretty in Pink", "Barbie", and "Princess Peach". Sarge reveals that Lopez is actually a robot, which Grif has trouble with ("Did the fact he never talks get to you?" "I just thought he was a silent guy." "Not even that he drinks motor oil and sleeps standing up?" "I thought he was just trying to impress me"), and finally gets around to installing his voice card, but neglects to ground himself; static electricity damage to the card results in Lopez's inability to speak anything other than Spanish, which none of the Reds understand.

Tucker, Caboose, and Church convince Tex to help them, since they rescued her as a favor. Meanwhile, the Red Team is still trying to understand what Lopez is saying. While Tex begins to repair Sheila, Church goes to higher ground to spy on the Reds. Finding his dead body still on the cliff, he berates his teammates for having neglected to give him a proper burial.

The Blues continue to discuss what to do with Church's corpse. After an interlude demonstrating the Reds' boredom, the episode cuts back to Church, who worries that Tex will soon kill the entire Red Team. If successful, she would then leave, probably never to be seen again, before Church could remove the AI from her armor. To prevent this, Church decides to warn the Red Team of her impending attack. After Church leaves, Caboose spies Donut through a sniper rifle, exclaims that the Reds have a girl, and ineptly reveals Church's plan to Tex.

Church possesses Lopez's body to warn the Red Team, but finds that he can only speak Spanish. Caboose radios Church to inform him that Tex is almost ready. To Tucker's surprise, Caboose identifies himself as "O'Malley" and denies that he has ever confirmed his name as Caboose. Tex and Sheila then attack the Red Base. Sarge and Simmons attempt to repel them using the Warthog, but fail dismally. Ironically, it is Donut, still angry at being blown up earlier and being stuck in pink armor, who manages to kill Tex and disable Sheila by pitching a plasma grenade halfway across the gulch ("Man, that girl's got a really good arm!"). Church runs to Tex's aid, taking Lopez's body with him. Sarge mistakes this for a suicide charge by Lopez and lets him go. In her dying words, Tex thanks Church for ridding her of the AI. Meanwhile, Caboose adopts a deep, menacing voice, repeating that his name is "O'Malley".