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Private Notes
Filmed in New York City. Jack explains he is in New York to sign his new contract. He introduces Phil Silvers from the audience, and Phil comes up and upstages Jack. Don comes out to do the commercial, and Jack interrupts him to put wigs on him. Betty Johnson sings 'My kind of guy.' In the sketch, Jack arrives at his sponsor's office to sign his contract, and is asked to wait. Meanwhile, the sponsor is with Silvers, who is trying to replace Jack. Phil hides in the closet. Jack discovers him, along with Garry Moore, Alan King, and Jack Paar, who were also after Jack's job. 9
Jack, whose rooster is bothering the neighbors, receives a summons. He goes to a lawyer (Frank Nelson) who learned the law by watching Perry Mason. He tells Jack to plead insanity. Jack goes home, where he finds Don and a Hawaiian princess, who does the commercial with hula movements. Jack falls asleep and dreams he is on trial for murdering the rooster. Perry Mason defends him very badly, and in the end breaks down in the courtroom and confesses that he himself killed the bird.
Jack and his girlfriend Cindy plan to go to a play with Don, but Don calls to say he can't make it. Jack calls the Stewarts to invite them to go instead, and they accept, mistaking him for Jack Lemmon. Outside the theater, Jack encounters a bum begging for a dime for a cup of tea; Jack gives him a Lipton teabag. It turns out Jack's free passes are no good on the week-end. The Stewarts, trying to escape from Jack, say they need to shop for a lamp, so Jack insists on taking them to a tacky auction where they can get free donuts.
In his monologue, Jack talks about the boys in his orchestra. When Jack starts to introduce his guest star, he discovers that everyone on his crew but him knows that Tennessee Ernie Ford will be appearing by remote from Lakeport, Calif. Fred de Cordova shows Jack how the remote unit works. Ernie appears in his barn, talks about farming, sings "John Henry" and then his image blacks out. "We lost him." Don does the commercial with a man on a pogo stick who is jumping for joy because he just took out State Farm Car Insurance. The remote picture comes back, but Ernie isn't in it. One of his peapickers comes in (a beautiful girl). Ernie claims to have developed a square egg. Jack and Ernie play a fiddle duet of "Sweet Georgia Brown" on split screen with television engineers in voice over; first they lose both of them, then Jack is in the barn and Ernie is on the stage, then both appear upside down.
Nobody in Jack's club wants to play golf with him because he is such a bad sport. He manages to make up a foursome consisting of the golf pro and two out-of-towners, but they become exasperated with his cheating. Don does the Lipton Tea commercial in the locker-room with Dr. Scott who has been called to the phone because of an emergency: his wife is out of Lipton Tea.
Guest star Bobby Rydell sings "Sitting On Top Of The World," and "Toot Toot Tootsie Goodbye." After the show, Jack is followed home, and a rock is thrown through his window. The rock thrower turns out to be Dennis, who is mad at Jack because Bobby sang instead of Dennis Day. Jack decides to take the law into his own hands, when he punishes Dennis.
In the opening segment, Jack practices his lines on the bus on the way to the rehearsal for his show. While Don and the director are waiting for Jack to arrive, Jane Morgan sings "The Second Time Around." When Jack arrives, he flirts with Jane, then invites her to lunch. Don does the Lipton Tea commercial with a parrot that does so well Jack fires Don. Jack takes Jane to lunch at a cafeteria. He and Jane rehearse their lines for a skit about a fight between a husband and a wife; everyone in the cafeteria takes sides, and a brawl ensues.
Jack cleans out his desk and finds a song he wrote 15 years ago, entitled "When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you." Film composer Dimitri Tiomkin is coming over in the evening at Jack's request, so that he can get permission to use the music from High Noon in a sketch on his program, and Jack decides to ask him to arrange the song he wrote himself, so that it will be a big hit. At home, locksmiths arrive to open his vault, and Don comes by to practice ventriloquism in a State Farm commercial. Tiomkin arrives with his dog, and Jack plays his song on the violin with disastrous results.
Jack takes his microphone into the audience to talk with them. Frank Nelson is there with his wife. Don Wilson conducts an applause test of three Santa Clauses for the Lipton Tea commercial. Jack and his cast and crew exchange presents.
In a flashback, Jack remembers his last New Year's Eve. The sketch is very similar to the one done on December 27, 1953. In Jack's dressing room, Dennis sings "An Irishman will steal your heart away." Dennis and Don, playing the tuba, do the State Farm commercial.
The monologue is about TV make-up. Jack introduces Roberta Peters, who sings the "Shadow song" from Dinorah by Meyerbeer. At Jack's home, after the show, Don threatens to quit because Jack cut the Lipton Tea commercial from the show, but decides not to when Jack confiscates his Lipton teabag. Rochester makes Jack a fried egg sandwich without leaving the living room, using his extendable hand. Jack plays a record Peters has given him and daydreams about singing a scene from La Traviata with her.
Jack plans a surprise birthday costume party for Dennis, who comes over to Jack's house early, when no one is around, and finds out. Dennis gives himself away when he arrives at party time in a leprechaun costume.
In the monologue Jack announces that he has been given a one-way ticket to Australia by the Musician's Union so he can give violin concerts there. Dennis sings 'Make someone happy.' Don comes out with the messenger who is delivering Jack's passport; in his pouch he carries a Lipton teabag and a cup. Jack reminisces about the red tape he had to go through to get a work permit in London.
Dennis sings 'It's a grand night for singing.' In the sketch, Jack reminisces to a reporter about how he met Rochester. In flashback, Rochester is the porter on a train on which Jack is trying to smuggle Don and Dennis to New York without paying their fares. Rochester is fired for not turning Jack in, and Jack hires him as his butler.
Because Jack is late so often, Frederick de Cordova and Don are rehearsing with Jack's stand-in, Charlie, who looks nothing like him. When Jack finally arrives, the stand-in criticizes Jack's entrance. The rehearsal is interrupted by a phone call from Rochester who announces that the Maxwell has been stolen. Don rehearses the Lipton Flow-Through Teabag commercial with Charlie. At the Beverly Hills Police Station, Jack is reminded of the sumptuousness and refinement of the station. Rochester is interrogated. Eventually the car is found; it has been returned to Jack's house by the thieves.
Jack and Gisele take a shortcut while driving from Phoenix to L.A., get lost, and find themselves in a cafe in a ghost town. The cafe owner tells them a story about Tombstone Harry and Cactus Kid (Benny); the sketch is very similar to the one done on November 2, 1952, with Gisele playing the saloon singer. Don Wilson, Gisele and the Sportsmen Quartet do the State Farm commercial to the tune of 'An old cowhand from the Rio Grande.'
Benny's monologue is interrupted by the audience with their chants of "We want Rock!" Hudson and Benny compare the effects of their kisses on a blindfolded young lady. In the sketch, Jack does an impressive impression of Jack Paar in a take-off of his Tonight Show. Paar's actual announcer/sidekick Hugh Downs appears as himself. Benny/Paar brings out his first guest, young harmonica-playing, Twist-teaching dance instructor Irving Hudson. Jack suggests he change his name to Rock: Irving Rock. The sketch with everyone learning "The Twist" from Hudson.
Jack opens the show playing his violin, but is interrupted by a young girl wanting his autograph. She plays the violin better, so Jack sends her away and introduces Julie London who sings and flirts with Jack. Later the girl comes back on stage and she and Jack close the show with a violin duet. Guest star: Toni Marcus.
Jack falls asleep and dreams that he is Alexander Hamilton. Dennis Day plays Aaron Burr.
Jack is in his office, having his hair cut by Rochester. Freddie de Cordova tells Benny there are too many acts in his annual variety show, so there is no time for Shari Lewis. Jack is notary public for the building, and models underwear for a Midwestern catalog. Two window-washers who appear to be making a pass at his secretaries actually just want some Lipton Tea. When Shari and Lambchop arrive, Shari is so charming and enthusiastic, Jack can't bear to tell her he has to cancel her. The choreographer comes in and needs a piano player to help him make a point; Shari volunteers. Eventually it is revealed that she plays the piano, dances, sings and does magic, changing a one dollar bill into a two dollar bill, so it is cheaper to hire her and get rid of all the other acts. She and Jack play "Alabammy Bound" on piano and violin. Shari also plays the violin and is a notary public.
Jack is late for the show because he has used a cut-rate airline, so Dennis takes over. Don and Dennis sing the State Farm Insurance commercial to the tune of "Side By Side."
Jack believes Billy Wilder wants him to star in his next picture.
Dennis sings 'On the First Warm Day.' After being interviewed for an article on his life story, Jack daydreams about what he would have done had he not left home to go into show business: he would have given violin lessons.
Jack gives Mickey Rooney free tickets to his show, and then tricks him into appearing as his guest star. After discussing the trend the prison system is taking, Jack and Mickey do a sketch on what a prison will look like in 1985: a luxury resort.
Jack advertises for a boarder and gets a series of strange applicants. Cousin Emmy and her Kinfolk play country music with Don for the State Farm commercial.
