A low-budget horror film, The Diabolical is complete garbage. The story follows a mother and her two children who live in a house that they believe is haunted, but when they attempt to leave the children get infected by something that prevents them from going outside of the house. The acting is awful and the writing is equally bad. Additionally, the special effects are piss-poor and the makeup effects for the ghosts aren’t that frightening. There is an interesting twist at the end, but it’s hardly worth the slog to get to. Incredibly monotonous and boring, The Diabolical is a rote haunted house film that doesn’t deliver any scares.
Atrocious garbage, Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D is a poorly made film that’s incredibly stupid. The story follows former spy Marissa Wilson, who comes out of retirement when an old nemesis breaks out of prison with designs on destroying the world, and along the way her step-kids join in the adventure and attempt to prove themselves worthy of being “spy kids.” With the introduction of “Spy Baby” the series goes way past jumping the shark. Jessica Alba and Ricky Gervais both give embarrassingly bad performances, and the new “spy kids” are remarkably bland. Additionally, the comedy is extremely lame, and the special effects are terrible. Borderline unwatchable, Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D is the worst film of the series by far.
A lot more infantile than the title would suggest, Mars Needs Moms delivers what it promises, and that’s not a good thing. When his mother is abducted by Martians Milo must find a way to rescue her. The story is incredibly stupid and the acting isn’t much better. Even the CG animation is atrocious; quite possibly the worst motion capture animation done so far. Mars Needs Moms is complete garbage and a waste of time.
A steaming pile of dino crap, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas is an extraordinary dumb and formulaic goofball comedy. Set as a prequel to the 1994 blockbuster, Wilma Slaghoople, the daughter of a rich family, feels trapped in her high society life and runs off to Bedrock were she meets Fred Flintstone and falls in love. Additionally, the Great Gazoo is introduced; a small green alien with superpowers who no one but Fred and Barney can see. The plot is just terrible, hitting every bad rom-com cliché and trope in the book. And the caveman jokes are incredibly lame. Also, the casting is awful; particularly Kristen Johnston as Wilma. Humorless dreck, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas is an insult to Flintstones fans everywhere.
An abomination beyond words, In Search of the Titanic is an insulting travesty of a film. After surviving the Titanic sinking Don Juan and Elizabeth, along with their mouse friend Top Connors, return to search for the ship’s wreckage on the ocean floor, but instead discover the lost city of Atlantis. Mind-bogglingly stupid doesn’t even begin to describe this garbage. And the animation is poor at best. Appalling in its audacity and tastelessness, In Search of the Titanic is utterly shameless.
An ultraviolent and vulgar dark comedy, Dog Eat Dog is an ugly mess. The story follows a group of smalltime Cleveland gangsters who try for a big score with a kidnapping, but things all fall apart. Nicolas Cage and Willem Dafoe lead the cast, but their performances aren’t very good (Dafoe is particularly horrendous). And the directing is terrible, as none of the stylistic choices work, and the sets look cheap. Additionally, the sex and violence are incredibly gratuitous and makes the film feel dirty. Complete garbage, Dog Eat Dog is a pointless waste of time.
Another Nicolas Cage abomination, 211 isn’t so much a film as a festering pile of dog sh**. While out on patrol two cops stumble upon a bank robbery in progress by a disaffected group of mercenaries from Afghanistan, and once engaged they turn the streets into a war zone. The acting is really bad, not even up to community theatre standards (and that includes Cage). And the sets and costumes are equally terrible. It’s hard to believe that a film as bad as 211 could be made in this day and age, but there it is.
What happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas, especially Leprechaun 3. In this adventure the Leprechaun heads for Sin City to wreak terror on those who come between him and his gold. The story is garbage, and seems to be made-up as it goes along. The acting is also incredibly bad, in an annoying, hard to watch kind of way. Even Warwick Davis isn’t into it, as he seems to be reading off of cue cards or riffing on his own. Extraordinarily stupid, Leprechaun 3 is an atrocious low-budget slasher.
The Leprechaun is searching for a bride in the cheesy horror-comedy Leprechaun 2. Baring no continuity to the first film, the Leprechaun (a different one from last time) emerges from an Irish tree stump in L.A. to claim his bride on St. Patty’s Day. The acting is terrible and the characters couldn’t be less interesting. The sets and the costumes look cheap, and even the gore isn’t done very well. No one involved with Leprechaun 2 seems to be putting forth much effort, and it shows.
One of the worst things ever committed to film, Ewoks: The Battle for Endor is an atrocity that set the Star Wars franchise back over a decade. Completely trashing everything done in the first Ewok film, Cindel’s family is killed off, leaving her an orphan who’s then taken in by an old hermit; meanwhile a warlord imprisons the Ewoks and chases after Cindel. The plot is just ridiculously stupid, and gets worse and worse as it goes on. The costumes and makeup effects are hideous, and the sets look incredibly cheap. Barely up to cosplay standards, Ewoks: The Battle for Endor is unwatchable garbage.
Lindsay Lohan continues to flush her career down the toilet with the trashy, exploitation film The Canyons. Dealing with themes of sex, control, and obsession, the story follows a film producer and his girlfriend as they have sexual liaisons with others. Lohan stars opposite porn star James Deen, and they both give bland, uninteresting performances. And while stuff happens in the film, there’s no real semblance of a plot. Despite its provocative nature, The Canyons is a mundane and pointless film.
Incredibly crass and vulgar, Bad Santa 2 is even more offensive than the first one. After getting a hot tip about a job in Chicago, Marcus recruits Willie for another Christmas heist. Kathy Bates and Christina Hendricks join the cast and get stuck in rather demeaning roles. And the absence of Bernie Mac and Lauren Graham is really felt. Additionally, the humor, besides being extremely raunchy, is mean spirited. Bad Santa 2 is an ugly and degrading film that tries to be as profane as possible.
An appalling rendition of Charles Dickens’ classic, All American Christmas Carol is monotonous tripe. In the film an unemployed, trailer trash mother is visited by four ghosts who warn her that if she doesn’t change her ways she will end up destroying her family. Taryn Manning gives a terrible performance that doesn’t imbue any sympathy for her character. In fact most of the performances are bad and none of the visitations are that impactful. Poorly written and poorly filmed, All American Christmas Carol is extremely shallow and vapid.
“Always bet on Blart!” Even worse than the original, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is a clichéd and formulaic screwball comedy that doesn’t deliver any laughs. Starting with an immediately reversal of the happy ending from the last film by having his wife divorce him in the prologue (which is a horrible way to begin), Paul Blart is now a has been whose 15 minutes of fame has past; but he’s forced to taken on a gang of thieves once again, while attending a security convention in Las Vegas, when his daughter is taken hostage. The writing is incredibly awful; featuring cheesy character stereotypes and horrendous dialog. And Kevin James seems to be phoning in his performance, and doesn’t have any charm. In fact, none of the performances are any good. Also, the sketch comedy and slapstick comes off as extremely lame. Paul Bart: Mall Cop 2 is an atrocious film, and what happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas.
Complete garbage, Roger Corman’s Death Race 2050 is a trashy low-budget exploitation film. It’s basically a badly done remake of Death Race 2000 that lacks the clever satire and artistic vision of the original. The acting (if it can be called such) is terrible, and the sets and costumes look incredible cheap and gaudy. And the social commentary is as subtle as a sledge hammer to the face. Roger Corman’s Death Race 2050, which isn’t directed by Roger Corman, is a hackneyed piece of shit that’s not even fit for the SyFy channel.
A total shit show, Hellboy goes off the rails without the guiding hand and vision of Guillermo del Toro. In this completely unnecessary reboot Hellboy works to prevent a powerful witch from resurrecting and unleashing an apocalyptic plague upon mankind. Ron Perlman casts a long shadow and David Harbour pales in comparison as the new Hellboy. And, Milla Jovovich is extremely cartoonish and isn’t the least bit threatening as the villain. Yet the script is so bad, it’d be hard for anyone to make it work. But the real problem is tone, everything is just so over-the-top and ridiculous. A raging dumpster fire, Hellboy fails spectacularly.
Horrendous piece of garage would be too kind a description of Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation. The tone of the film is all wrong; taking itself way too seriously, and trying for a dark, horror motif. The acting is atrociously bad, as is the story. Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation is a pathetic and poorly made film that just recycles old horror movie tropes.
Horrendously awful doesn’t even begin to describe RoboCop 3. The acting is pathetic at best, and the special effects aren’t even up to B-movie standards. Not to mention that the plot is insultingly idiotic. In short, RoboCop 3 is an atrocity that defiles not only the name of RoboCop, but cinema itself.
Angelina Jolie gets her big break in Cyborg 2, a poorly make and generic sci-fi thriller. In this indirect sequel, a cyborg that’s been created to be the ultimate weapon is given a chance at freedom by a hacker named Mercy. The acting is especially bad, but it could just be a result of the bad writing (the dialog is particularly atrocious). Additionally, the directing is amateurish and the music is generic tripe. Cyborg 2 is an uninspired, unoriginal B-movie that doesn’t put forth much effort.
A poorly made and pointless film, The Prophecy: Uprising is a pathetic entry into the franchise. Though it calls itself a Prophecy film, it really isn’t; as it doesn’t abide by the mythology of the series and has no relation to established story arcs. This film follows two fallen angels that are searching for The Lexicon, an ancient manuscript that has the power to change the outcome of the Apocalypse and turn the tide in the celestial wars. It’s a poorly written story that doesn’t make sense, and the acting is awful. The Prophecy: Uprising is a worthless piece of garbage that tries to attach itself onto a series that it has no business being a part of.
From director Uwe Boll comes BloodRayne: Deliverance, another atrocious film that’s practically unwatchable. Set in the Old West, the half-vampire Rayne must put together a posse in order to take down Billy the Kid’s vampire clan. There’s not a decent actor in the cast, and the production values are pathetic. Vampire cowboys sounds fun and exciting, but instead BloodRayne: Deliverance is a dull and uninspired film with no creativity or imagination.
Radically departing from the series format, V/H/S: Viral is an inexplicable mess that’s appallingly bad. The film doesn’t follow its own rules, as a lot of the videos don’t conform to the conventions of found footage (and some of the videos aren’t even found footage). And this might be excusable if the videos were any good, but most of them aren’t. V/H/S: Viral doesn’t know what it’s doing, and ends up turning out garbage.
As gruesome and vulgar as the original, V/H/S/2 is a collection of the disgusting and the bizarre. The film is an anthology of horror tales that includes ghosts, zombies, demons, and aliens. However, the storytelling isn’t very good and is mainly interested in delivering shocks and jump scares. Additionally, the found footage conceit doesn’t work and seems contrived. V/H/S/2 is an ugly, morose film that’s incredibly disturbing.
Batshit crazy doesn’t even begin to describe John Dies at the End. The plot is incoherent, but has something to do with paranormal investigators and creatures from another dimension. Part of the problem is the script (which is extremely poor), however the acting is also pathetic. And while some of the comedy works, there’s just too much insanity going on. John Dies at the End is DOA.
Unbearably awful, Scary Movie V is a steaming pile of shit. Primarily the film parodies Mama and Paranormal Activity, but there are also parodies of Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Inception, Black Swan, and Evil Dead. However, none of the parodies are done very well and the production values are atrociously bad. And the acting (if it can be called that) is terrible at best. Scary Movie V isn’t so much a movie as a bunch of garbage thrown onto a screen.
Unbelievably bad, Scary Movie 4 is incredibly stupid and juvenile. This time the series parodies War of the Worlds and The Grudge, with additional spoof of Million Dollar Baby, Brokeback Mountain, Saw, and The Village. The humor is extremely low-brow and there’s nothing clever or innovative about any of it. Additionally, the pacing is too fast and doesn’t allow any time for the jokes to work. Scary Movie 4 is a poorly made and uninspired piece of trash, and an embarrassment to the series.
Few movies are brave enough to put “stupid” in their title, but Ernest Scared Stupid has no illusions about what it is. Clearly meant for children (and only children) the comedy is incredibly juvenile and slapstick-ish. And the acting, if it can be called that, is horrendous. The sets, costumes, and special effects are also terrible, looking especially fake and cheap. Lacking the charm and fun of the earlier films, Ernest Scared Stupid is complete garbage.
Rotten to the core, Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest is festering garbage. Fundamentally flawed, the film tries to completely rework the series mythology while also keeping to the core themes. But it just ends up being a mess of half-baked ideas that don’t work together; especially the switch to an urban Chicago setting. And the acting is atrocious, yet not nearly as awful as the special effects (which are cartoonishly bad). Attempting to rebrand the series as slasher horror, Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest betrays He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
A mass of stupidity that boggles the mind, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan goes completely off the rails. Once again Jason is resurrected by electroshock, and then proceeds to hop aboard a party boat to kill a group of graduating high school seniors on their way to Manhattan. The plot is terrible and makes no damn sense whatsoever. The directing is also extraordinarily bad, and isn't able to bring any suspense or terror to the film. Truly abysmal, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is painful to watch.
Is this even a movie? Creepshow III plays like a bad fan film shot at some guy’s house for a couple hundred bucks. There’s no real acting, the production values are shit, and the stories don’t make any sense. A complete travesty, this garbage has no business being part of the Creepshow series.
