Rotten to the core, Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest is festering garbage. Fundamentally flawed, the film tries to completely rework the series mythology while also keeping to the core themes. But it just ends up being a mess of half-baked ideas that don’t work together; especially the switch to an urban Chicago setting. And the acting is atrocious, yet not nearly as awful as the special effects (which are cartoonishly bad). Attempting to rebrand the series as slasher horror, Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest betrays He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
A mass of stupidity that boggles the mind, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan goes completely off the rails. Once again Jason is resurrected by electroshock, and then proceeds to hop aboard a party boat to kill a group of graduating high school seniors on their way to Manhattan. The plot is terrible and makes no damn sense whatsoever. The directing is also extraordinarily bad, and isn't able to bring any suspense or terror to the film. Truly abysmal, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is painful to watch.
Is this even a movie? Creepshow III plays like a bad fan film shot at some guy’s house for a couple hundred bucks. There’s no real acting, the production values are shit, and the stories don’t make any sense. A complete travesty, this garbage has no business being part of the Creepshow series.
You hear about movies this bad, but rarely do you get an opportunity to actually see one. Cheerleader Massacre is beyond low-budget horror; there’s virtually no production value and the “acting” isn’t even up to the standards of a used car commercial. This abomination isn’t worthy of being called a movie, let alone worth watching.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is an affront to all that is good and decent in this world. The animated series never made too much sense, but you just went with it because it was fun. Yet this non-American G.I. Joe makes no damn sense whatsoever and insults anyone trying to apply any. The story is atrocious and deserves a mantel in the pantheon of bad ideas. And, the acting ranges from bad to awful; except for maybe one or two actors who don’t fail spectacularly. If the special effects were any good the film might have been tolerable, but they’re not. Most of special effects just make the film more ridiculous and unbearable to watch. Over-the-top and out of control, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is an embarrassment to the franchise.
Broken Flowers is an atrocious piece of tripe. The film tries to be everything and ends up being nothing. It teases itself as a mystery, then morphs into a character drama, then it becomes about the journey, and none of it pays off. The talent that gets wasted in this film is criminal; Bill Murray, Sharon Stone, Tilda Swinton, and many more. It’s the squandered opportunity more than anything else that mars this film. A bunch of slop cobbled together, Broken Flowers is a waste of everyone’s time.
It’s hokey, it’s cheesy, it’s campy....it’s Batman. The film follows the Dynamic Duo as they take on their four greatest villains, Joker, Penguin, Riddler, and Catwoman, who have come together in an attempt to take over the world. Adam West, Burt Ward, Lee Meriwether, Cesar Romero, and Burgess Meredith make up this iconic cast that would define Batman for a generation. All the sets and costumes are absurdly awful and ridiculous. And the dialog is atrocious, even for camp. At times the film gets so bad that it becomes fun to watch, but most of it is cringe worthy. Batman tests the limits of endurance for camp and cartoonishness, and is an embarrassment to the series that can never be lived down.
WTF! Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday is so goddamn awful...I don't have the words.
Boring and monotonous, Safelight is a formulaic and stereotypical coming-of-age love story. The film follows a gas station clerk who strikes up a friendship with a hooker who offers to help him with a school project by driving him to lighthouses to photograph. The plot is painfully predictable and the characters are extraordinarily cliché: the hooker with a heart of gold, the soulful artist, etc. And the sets are remarkably bland and pedestrian. Incredibly trite, Safelight is a by-the-numbers teen drama that lacks any originality.
"Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name..." and Cheers does a great job at creating that friendly, hometown atmosphere. Season 1 follows a young woman named Diane Chambers who takes a job at a Boston bar named Cheers, where she gets to know the colorful clientele, and strikes up a romance with former baseball star/bartender Sam Malone. The casting is outstanding; Ted Danson and Shelley Long have great chemistry, and George Wendt, John Ratzenberger, and Nicholas Colasanto give strong supporting performances. Still, the laugh track can be kind of annoying and some of the ‘80s sitcom humor is out of date. Yet all in all Season 1 of Cheers is hilariously entertaining, and sets a solid foundation for what would become a seminal television series.
From writer/director Matthew Vaughn comes the spy thriller Kingsman: The Secret Service. Based on a Marvel comic, the story follows a hooligan from the projects of London who’s given a chance to join an elite spy organization called the Kingsman; meanwhile a global threat rises from a megalomaniacal villain. Unfortunately the tone is a little uneven; as it tries to be a gritty James Bond satire, but with the camp of Moore era. And there’s a lot of heavy handed politics thrown into the plot that adds to the disjointed feel of the film. Still, the action sequences are well-done and kind of fun. Yet while it has its moments, Kingsman: The Secret Service is a mess and doesn’t really work.
A morose and monotonous thriller, Liars All is pointless dribble. The story follow a London police detective who must uncover how a young woman died during a private New Year’s Eve party with a group of her friends. The characters aren’t really that interesting and the acting doesn’t help any. At times the murder mystery is intriguing, but it’s poorly written. Lacking in craft and the talent, Liars All is a shallow film that doesn’t tell a very engaging story.
It’s up to Leslie Knope to save the Parks Department in Season 3 of Parks and Recreation. With the town broke and the government shutdown, Leslie comes up with an audacious plan to get out of bankruptcy by reviving the old Harvest Festival. Adam Scott and Rob Lowe join the cast and bring new energy to the show, mixing up the character dynamics. Also, the reduction to 16-episodes helps to make the storytelling a little tighter and it’s more serialized. No longer a pseudo Office spin-off , Parks and Recreation comes into its own in Season 3, finding the right mix of characters and cementing its style of comedy.
Inspired by true events, Rescue Dawn is a harrowing tale of survival. The story follows Navy pilot Dieter Dengler who’s shot down in Laos during the Vietnam War and is imprisoned in a Viet Cong internment camp until he and his fellow POWs attempt a daring escape. Christian Bale, Steve Zahn, and Jeremy Davies all give incredible performances. And, writer/director Werner Herzog does an impressive job at bringing a gritty realism to the film. However, the pacing is kind of slow, and the narrative is weak and hard to follow at times. Yet despite its problems, Rescue Dawn delivers a compelling tale of heroism.
Jessica Alba stars in the bland, lighthearted indie comedy An Invisible Sign. The story follows a socially dysfunctional young woman who takes a job as an elementary school teacher, but has trouble connecting with her students. The film lives and dies on Alba’s performance, and unfortunately she’s not very good. It’s hard to get a handle on her character, and whether she has a mental disorder or is just incredibly socially awkward. And there are a number of issues with the plot. Yet, An Invisible Sign is mildly entertaining and has some charming moments.
A fascinating biopic, The Founder tells the story of Ray Kroc, a travelling salesman who took the McDonald brothers cutting edge restaurant and turned it into the largest franchise in the world. After visiting the McDonald brothers burger restaurant Ray Kroc makes a deal to franchise it across the country, but his ambitious plans soon leads to a conflict with the brothers and a battle for control that takes a personal toll on Ray and change him. Starring Michael Keaton, Nick Offerman, and Laura Dern, the film has solid cast that delivers some strong performances. And the writing does a good job at showing the corrupting influence of ambition and power. Also, the costumes and sets are especially well-done, giving a real feel for the time period. A remarkably compelling film, The Founder provides an extraordinary look at what it took to turn McDonalds into the international conglomerate it became.
A poorly made horror film, Donner Pass is incredibly formulaic and predictable. While on a weekend getaway to a remote mountain cabin a group of college students are stalked by a psychotic killer. The writing is atrocious, as in the acting. And the directing does nothing to create suspense or tension. Donner Pass is a clichéd and unimaginative film that doesn’t deliver any scares.
The low-budget vampire film Out for Blood is fairly generic and doesn’t have much ambition. While investigating a missing persons case Det. Hank Holten ends up discovering a coven of vampires, and seeks the help of his estranged wife after he gets bitten. Kevin Dillon, Vanessa Angel, Jodi Lyn O'Keefe, and Lance Henriksen lead the cast and give typical B-grade performances. And, the sets and makeup effects are rather cheesy. However, there are a few interesting plot twists that add a bit of intrigue and suspense to the film. Yet overall, Out for Blood is a stereotypical horror film that sticks to the usual tropes.
