This is a perfect pilot.
Niles: "You know what I think about pop psychiatry."
Frasier: "Yes, I know what you think about everything. When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?"
Niles: "I'm having one now."
Daphne: "Nice to meet you. [sees Eddie] Oh, and who might this be?"
Frasier: "[darkly] That is Eddie."
Martin: "I call him 'Eddie Spaghetti.'"
Daphne: "Oh, he likes pasta?"
Martin: "No, he has worms."
Niles: "I thought you liked my Maris!"
Frasier: "I do. I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth."
Burns: "Oh Very well. It's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing... or you can trade it all in for what's in this box."
Agent 1: "The box. The box!"
Agent 2:"Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't throw money at it and make it go away."
Mayor Quimby (wearing expensive jacket with the price tag): "Gentlemen, I've decided there will be no investigation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go away."
Professor: "I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class."
Homer: "Do we have to?"
Professor: "No."
Homer: "Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye."
Homer then spends his time giggling and chasing squirrels around a tree
"Cabot?" "Cabot!" "Cabot!!" "Cabot?" "Cabot!" ... Nope, doesn't ring a bell.
(Movie) Gary: "How come girls always throw themselves at guys like him?"
Riff: "Cause they have bad aim."
(Movie) Gary: "How come girls are always drooling all over Zach Thronton?"
Riff: "Because he's made of chocolate."
(Barb discussing a parent with an inappropriate tattoo for children to see)
Ava: Oh, yeah, you gotta do something about her.
Barb: Ava, I'm surprised. You actually have a problem with this?
Ava: Sure do, but it's about placement not the content. The clavicle is such a powerful bone. Why take attention away from it? Keep the tattoos to the tatas. That's hot.
[Gregory soaking wet in the bathroom as Janine enters]
G: "I tried to flush the toilet, and the water shot back up in the air. And then I'm..."
J: "Oh, God. No one told you about Reversy Toilet then? "
G:" No. Why is that even a thing?"
Jacob: "I'm actually really good at poker. When I did Teachers Without Borders, we had a lot of free time, so we basically would just play cards... and have sеx with each other."
Mr Johnson: "What's the name of that organization again?"
Taylor: "It is true. You wanted me to be someone who dedicates their life to children and can't afford a nice car or a mortgage and dresses like Mr. Rogers."
Janine: "Oh! Dig on me."
Mr Johnson: "I love field trips. I get to do 'Mr. Johnson's Day Off.' That's when I watch 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off,' which is a movie about a depressed kid who murders his father's Ferrari."
Ava: "Mr. Johnson, sorry to interrupt whatever this is, but these kids need to stay with you."
Mr Johnson: "Well, looks like Ava switched this day from 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' to 'The Breakfast Club."'
Trevor: "The only thing that hurts more than knowing that I died before finding true love is knowing that I died before I could crush it on these apps."
Samantha: "What was your endgame, Trevor?"
Trevor: "I just wanted the validation, I guess. But then Bela showed up at the house, and I realized those are real people on those apps. Or maybe they're other super motivated ghosts like me, but that seems less likely."
Tom Servo (in a angry wrestler voice): "I admire you and everything you stand for!"
Jennifer: "How can two people who really love each other become separated? How can they lose that love?"
Mallory: "It's a lot more common than you think, Jennifer. I watch a lot of soap operas. It seems to happen at least once a show."
Michael: "Yeah, our backs are against the wall, and it’s hard to accept that it’s really come to begging."
George: "Some times it’s the only way to stay in the game."
Narrator: "Please tell your friends about this show."
Trevor: "So, you're an actual robber baron. I mean, you're, like, really rich, right?"
Elias: "Let me put it to you this way: I ate meat several times a week."
Trevor: "Well, it's not a Lamborghini, but that's very cool."
RIMMER: "I never got off the bottom rung. And do you know why? Because I didn't have the right nobby parents. I bet Todhunter was fed gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids. No, I bet he was breast-fed with it. One side gazpacho soup and the other side freely dispensing chilled champagne! Phbbbbttttt.....!"
Sally: "Did you know that Rob is having a birthday this weekend?"
Buddy: "Seems to me like he just had a birthday about a year ago same time."
Sally: "Most people do."
Buddy: "Oh yeah, so how come you haven't had a birthday since..."
Sally: "It's because I only announce them once every other year"
PA Announcement: "A reminder that the 4077th Christmas party for the Korean children in the area will be held today at 1400 hours, so everyone turn out to meet the kids. Santa will be there, too; we can only hope he's sober."
M: Okay, I'll race you. But it has to be street rules. Car for car.
C: Wait, why would you want my van?
M: I have a kid on the way, so...
C: You're a complex man, Miguel. Okay, deal. Street rules. But also, street legal. No speeding. There are kids around.
M: You want to race without speeding?
C: You're afraid your little tuner can't get up to the speed limit as fast as Van Diesel?
Bev: "Have you been wearing that Santa suit all day?"
Murray: "Oh, yeah. Turns out these pants keep the fellas warm and toasty. And the girl at Wawa...She gave me a free lotto ticket. People love Santa Claus! Who knew?"
Blackbeard: "His words, though... They sounded polite, but they stung."
Stede: "Yeah... that's called 'passive aggression.' Pirates, they attack with force. The upper crust, they strike with cutting remarks disguised as politeness."
Blackbeard: "That's fսcking diabolical."
Mike: "His suit is all cowboy, but his tie is pure 80s business woman"
Film Narrator: "It was an age of magic..."
Tom: "What age is that? 13?"
Jonah: "Oh, yeah, that was a magical age."
(Movie) Sister Ann: "How is it you know English today when you didn't know English yesterday?"
Mike Riff: "Uh. Bad screenwriting, really."
Future War stars, Daniel Bernhardt is best known for replacing Jean-Claude Van Damme in the Bloodsport sequels.
Riff: "Eh, it's more like Jean-Claude Gosh Darn."
Riff: "Van Dammit."
Andrew: "He's probably all hopped up on yimyams!"
Camille: "What the Hell are yimyams?"
Andrew: "I don't know! But the 16-year-olds in his camp probably do."
[Simon and his mother are using Gerry and Bill's place to host a party]
Gerry: "I don't know what's going on. This is some kind of weird party."
Bill: "Yeah, it's a key party."
Gerry: "What's a key party?"
Bill: "Everyone puts their keys in a bowl, and at the end of the night you grab one and then whoever's keys they are, they just... 'drive you home'"
Gerry: "I thought that was so no one would drink and drive"
"Roland's been trying to help me, offered off his movie posters, you know, but I just don't think that "The Pelican Brief" is festive enough for a baby shower."
[Louie gets confrontational with a blind man]
Louie: "I happen to be a very big, muscular guy."
Man: "Then you must be talking out of your belly button."
Fry: "It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?"
Micah the "742 years young" Cult Leader trying to reassure his cult after being exposed by Sam & Jay
Micah: Guys, guys, I did not sleep with her. Everybody's getting their own planets, my bodily fluids still cure the common cold. This was a test. It was a test, and you all passed.
Norm: Oh, it was another test. Like when we looked you up online and it said you were born in 1990.
Micah: Exactly.
Todd: Thanks, I had to clear a bunch of space in the garage anyway, because my mom's boyfriend Kyle needed a place to store his bowling stuff.
Trevor: It's like each word is sadder than the last.
"I really hope I don't die. There's so many things I wanted to do when I finally got out of prison. Dying was on the list, but it was way toward the end."
