Marie: "I could have married Billy Smith."
Frank: "There's still time."
Marie: " Robert, you're a policeman. Try to find Billy Smith.... And it doesn't have to be this Billy Smith."
Fry: "It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?"
Andrew: I know you bought a sеx condo!
Andrew's Dad: What's a sеx condo?
Andrew: A condo where you have sеx.
Andrew's Dad: That could be any condo.
(Barb discussing a parent with an inappropriate tattoo for children to see)
Ava: Oh, yeah, you gotta do something about her.
Barb: Ava, I'm surprised. You actually have a problem with this?
Ava: Sure do, but it's about placement not the content. The clavicle is such a powerful bone. Why take attention away from it? Keep the tattoos to the tatas. That's hot.
Ava: "A camera crew came in. I thought it was one of them. Oh, like y'all can tell these moderately attractive white men with beards apart. What's even under there? See, this is why I never trusted any of youse. Now, get the cameras out of my face before I give you a colonoscopy with it."
Micah the "742 years young" Cult Leader trying to reassure his cult after being exposed by Sam & Jay
Micah: Guys, guys, I did not sleep with her. Everybody's getting their own planets, my bodily fluids still cure the common cold. This was a test. It was a test, and you all passed.
Norm: Oh, it was another test. Like when we looked you up online and it said you were born in 1990.
Micah: Exactly.
Todd: Thanks, I had to clear a bunch of space in the garage anyway, because my mom's boyfriend Kyle needed a place to store his bowling stuff.
Trevor: It's like each word is sadder than the last.
Sam: Because we're trying to start a business and we read all your vicious Yelp reviews, and we were just trying to do something to make you happy.
Tom: What do you mean you read our Yelp reviews? (chuckles) Those reviews are anonymous.
Debbie: That's right.
Jay: No, we can see your names and pictures.
Debbie: Uh, no. No, that is what we see on our computer.
Sam: No, I can show you.
Debbier: (gasps) This is not good. Oh, my God.
Tom: Oh, my God. We went after everyone. They're all there. Oh, no, we tore apart your sister's Shrimp Shack.
Debbie: This is a nightmare. We have to move.
Tom starts running upstairs
Debbie: Wh-Where are you going, Tom?
Tom: To unplug my laptop, Debbie. We got to get those reviews off-line.
"I really hope I don't die. There's so many things I wanted to do when I finally got out of prison. Dying was on the list, but it was way toward the end."
"Well, I attempted to call my parents. It's been so long since we talked, I forgot their number. I just tried dialing, hoping muscle memory would kick in. Ended up calling a Walgreens. Chatted with the pharmacist for a spell. Dale. Solid dude. Funny."
Don Geno: "You got 5:00 shadow. Women don't like men with 5:00 shadow."
Sam: "Well, th-that depends on the date"
Don Geno: "How about November the 9th, 1965?"
Sam: "Well, see, you got me. 5:00 shadow, uh... wasn't big in '65."
"I follow a couple of Sam's friends on Instagram, because I think it's important to be an informed parent, even though I have to sift through an awful lot of makeup tutorials."
Duckman: "I ever tell you my dads last words to me?"
Cornfed: "Careful son, I don't think the safety is on."
Duckman: "Before that!"
"If I wanted a lecture about money I coulda waited till Sunday and stolen from the collection plate again."
Neil: "I got my first fix-it job at the building and I thought I might need a few more tools."
Willie: "What do you have?"
Neil: "Well, I have a Swiss Army knife and a mess of good intentions."
Jackie: "Kids grow up fine as long as they have one decent parent"
Rosanne: (scoffs) "Oh man. Would you please stop quoting that Murphy Brown."
"David! When you clean out the refrigerator, don't throw out the moldy buns. DJ thinks it's chia bread."
Jimmy: Look, I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with her staying on my desk.
Kayla: But I don't, like, get that because he was, like, my babysitter. Like, he's changed my diapers.
Jimmy: ( chuckles ) What are you talking about? I was not your babysitter. We were around each other as kids 'cause our dads were in business together, but I never babysat you.
Kayla: Um, I literally remember you changing my diaper.
Jimmy: Ew, Kayla! You don't remember being a baby. You don't even remember my lunch order.
Kayla: Uh, Mendocino Farms Chinese chicken salad!
Jimmy: Well that's a first!
Jane: "I don't know why I'm surprised, I once saw you put sunscreen on a grape because you didn't want it to become a raisin."
This episode has me thinking there was a cigar chompin' exec saying, "we have 3 guys living in a house. Let's get them dating some women."
Asst: "But this is a family show with kids, showing how they wrangle raising 3 little girls."
Exec: "Write the kids out of the episode and have these guys wrangle dating 3, no 4, women!"
Joey: "I know how tough this has been on you. But that's how life is, it's a struggle. But what helps you get you through the tough times are the people by your side."
Jesse: "Is this the same guy who spends hours perfecting under arm noises? Where's this coming from?"
Joey: "From my heart. I did have some help with the words. It's what Scooby Doo told Scrappy Doo last Saturday morning."
Jesse: "What's the matter? Can't you handle your mom? You wimp! You're a total mommy wimp!"
Danny: "Oh, and I suppose you handle your mom differently?"
Jesse: "I play my mom like a piano. Yeah."
Danny's Mom, Claire, comes in from the kitchen.
Claire: "Well, I'm glad you're back. Come on in!"
Two women walk in.
Jesse: "Your mom called our moms?"
Claire: "Yes, I thought that Irene and Mindy would be very interested to see how you boys keep house."
Danny: (to Jesse) "OK, Piano-man. Why don't you show the wimp how to tickle those ivories."
Jesse: "Ma? Can I make you some tea?"
Danny: "Oh, bravo, bravo."
(Danny enters the bathroom.)
Danny: "Oh my God!"
Jesse: "What! We were just giving the kid a bath!"
Danny: "Then why isn't she in the tub?"
Jesse: "Because Joey's in the tub, and I'm in the tub, and there's not enough room for, you know all of us!"
Karen: "As a vegetarian, I have to agree with Lacey."
Emma: "But, uh, you're not a vegetarian, so how are you going to pull that off?"
Karen: "I've been a vegetarian for seven, no, eight days, so yeah, I know what I'm talking about."
Norm: "It's like my wise old grandfather used to say, 'A friend is only a stranger you never had sex with.'"
Cell phone ringing
Kirk: I'm using today's technology to handle tomorrow's women. Ladies and gentlemen, the babe-a-phone."
Kirk Answers Phone
Kirk: "Hello, Kirk here on cellular... What do you mean bring the phone back? ... I only missed one payment ... So what if it was my first payment! ... I'm sorry I can't hear you, I'm getting interference from this piece of crap you tried to sell me!"
Mr Johnson: "I love field trips. I get to do 'Mr. Johnson's Day Off.' That's when I watch 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off,' which is a movie about a depressed kid who murders his father's Ferrari."
Ava: "Mr. Johnson, sorry to interrupt whatever this is, but these kids need to stay with you."
Mr Johnson: "Well, looks like Ava switched this day from 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' to 'The Breakfast Club."'
Janine: "Well, what if we were your assistants? That way, we can handle all the data and graphs, and you can handle the showmanship."
Ava: "I love it! This is like a group project at school where I bring the energy, and you guys bring whatever doesn't require a personality."
Jill: "When was the last time you saw Mr. Leonard?"
Tim: "Uh... Gotta be 20 years ago. He's in town seeing his niece. He saw me on Tool Time."
Jill: "Well, you know what, I would really like to meet him. Why don't you invite him over?"
Tim:"Did it. He's coming to dinner tomorrow night. And you'll make his favorite - corned beef and cabbage."
Jill: "What will I be wearing, Your Toolness?"
Tim: "I'm hoping for something in a wood or a metal."
Jill: "I'll go with that aluminum Miracle bra".
Billie: The Sheltons' children threw them a sixty-fifth anniversary party and things got out of hand.
Mr. Sheldon: I didn't know she was gonna to be there.
Harry: Sixty-fifth anniversary?
Mrs. Sheldon: That's lead. If I had a gun, I'd give Mr. Shelton a little present.
Harry: Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...
Mr. Sheldon: Agony.
Harry: Thanks. Why?
Mrs. Sheldon: We were waiting for the children to die.
Mr. Sheldon: Aw, not that we wanted them to die, of course.
Harrye: Of course.
Mrs. Sheldon: It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.
Harry: The boys?
Mr. Sheldon: Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.
Mrs. Sheldon: And the baby just retired. This would kill him.
Harry: I have no reason to doubt that.
On the topic of being in a twitter feud with baskeball player Gilbert Arenas
"He [Gilber Arenas] writes, 'Joe Mande I see you host a comedy show at UCB theatre and tickets are only $5. Hookers charge more for jokes than that.' And I was like, 'Alight, but why are you buying jokes from hookers? I don't know who you're making fun of at this point.'"
Eugene: "Hey, what do you think this is? (sniffs) It smells disgusting! (sniffs) No, wait, it smells amazing!"
Tina: (sniffs) "Like the boys' locker room on a hot summer day."
