Ross: "Just use your travel insurance."
Chandler: "I don't have travel insurance."
Ross: "Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge."
(CHANDLER DIALS HIS OWN PHONE. IT RINGS)
CHANDLER: "Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?"
JOEY: "Maybe she never got your message."
PHOEBE: "Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn't get her messages yet."
CHANDLER: "Y'don't think that makes me seem a little..."
ROSS: "...desperate, needy, pathetic?"
CHANDLER: "Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad."
Michael: "Yeah, our backs are against the wall, and it’s hard to accept that it’s really come to begging."
George: "Some times it’s the only way to stay in the game."
Narrator: "Please tell your friends about this show."
[Ray sees a photo of Jesus in a very conservative home]
Ray:"Hey. isn't he the guy who sells tie-dyed shirts at the beach? That was just a joke. That's... I...he's great.I have his book."
Bobby: "I fell off my bike!"
Alice:"Yeah, you banged that knee up pretty good. How fast were you going, 300-400 miles an hour?"
Bobby:" I was going around the corner and I hit a banana."
Alice: "Well, that will do it every time. Park yourself over here. We'll get it bandaged in a jiffy. All work guaranteed or your money back."
Carol:"What's going on? What's all the noise?"
Alice:"Hot rod Charlie hit a banana."
Tandy: "Never use an expired fertility test. That's the old saying."
Carol: "But if it's faulty, then why did the control line show up?"
Tandy: " Proves even more how screwed up they are. Look, why would a control line show up on a test where the fertility line doesn't? Makes no sense."
Helen: "Huh! How do I talk to a legend? I mean, what do I say?"
Joe: "Well, I don’t know. How about, uh, who’s your favorite composer?"
Helen: "Oh, right, Joe. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Einstein, what’s your favorite number? I can’t ask him something that simplistic. I know, I’ll ask him if he thinks Schoenberg’s dodecaphonic scale is the musical fraud of the 20th century or just a viable expression of non-cadential polytonality."
Fay: "That shouldn’t be too hard to work into the conversation."
RIMMER: "I never got off the bottom rung. And do you know why? Because I didn't have the right nobby parents. I bet Todhunter was fed gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids. No, I bet he was breast-fed with it. One side gazpacho soup and the other side freely dispensing chilled champagne! Phbbbbttttt.....!"
Joey: "Once again comedy kicks musics butt."
Hal: "What happened to the dominos?"
Dewey: "I cleaned them up."
Hal: "You knocked them over without me !?!"
Dewey: "Why would I knock them over? I spent 4 days setting them up."
Donna:"I thought you were supposed to be studying."
Evie: "I am studying. It's philosophy."
[Donna grabs the magazine out of Evie's hand and reads out loud]
Donna: "Kirk Cameron's philosophy of love."
Janet: "Boy oh boy Chrissy. Really?"
Chrissy: "Yeah, the nerve of that guy! First he makes a date, and then he asks me to wear the short shorts I wore to the office picnic."
Janet: "What did you tell him?"
Chrissy: " I said I'm not going out with any guy who's only interested in me for my clothes!"
Janet: "Good for you."
Chrissy:" But that wasn't it. He said he'd go out with me if I didn't wear anything at all!"
Janet:"I hope you told him off!"
Chrissy: "I certainly will. He's picking me up at 7:00."
DJ: "Can I help you?"
Jesse: "Yes. You can move your little bod back in the house. Look, DJ, I don't blame you for wanting your own room. But you got to understand; this world's not a perfect place. Bruce Willis has a record deal. But then a Vanessa shows up at your door, and it all evens out. You know what I'm saying?"
[Drew's Dad, George, has found Drew's "sex tape"]
George: "Look what I found snooping around, '50 Misconceptions about Human Resources.' I never did understand Drew's job. Let's pop it in th VCR."
Drew: "Man you will love this tape. The first 20 minutes is real exciting, it's about preferred provider health insurance, then the next 20 minutes kind of drag but then it picks up at the end. It's all about uhh human resource ergonomics, you know, how dividers work, how tall they are, stuff like that."
George: "You know what, I think we uh already rented this in Florida. Didn't we Beulah?"
Beulah: "It sounds familiar, let's have breakfast."
Drew: "I even got the workboo-"
George: "I SAID WE SAW IT!"
Trevor: "The only thing that hurts more than knowing that I died before finding true love is knowing that I died before I could crush it on these apps."
Samantha: "What was your endgame, Trevor?"
Trevor: "I just wanted the validation, I guess. But then Bela showed up at the house, and I realized those are real people on those apps. Or maybe they're other super motivated ghosts like me, but that seems less likely."
[Simon and his mother are using Gerry and Bill's place to host a party]
Gerry: "I don't know what's going on. This is some kind of weird party."
Bill: "Yeah, it's a key party."
Gerry: "What's a key party?"
Bill: "Everyone puts their keys in a bowl, and at the end of the night you grab one and then whoever's keys they are, they just... 'drive you home'"
Gerry: "I thought that was so no one would drink and drive"
I remember seeing this episode when it originally aired. I was perplexed as to how the former anchor was considered a failure for having what I thought would be a dream job (watching films and rating them). I've quoted and referenced this episode ever since. Fun to randomly come across it again.
"I'm in the movie business now. I rate films for the MPAA. You may have seen some of my work. Jurassic Park. PG-13. Mine!"
Sally: "Did you know that Rob is having a birthday this weekend?"
Buddy: "Seems to me like he just had a birthday about a year ago same time."
Sally: "Most people do."
Buddy: "Oh yeah, so how come you haven't had a birthday since..."
Sally: "It's because I only announce them once every other year"
J: "Ava, can someone from the city come and check on the back-hallway lights?"
A: "Girl, no. Do I look like the Kool-Aid Man? I don't have enough juice to manipulate the inner workings of city hall."
[Gregory soaking wet in the bathroom as Janine enters]
G: "I tried to flush the toilet, and the water shot back up in the air. And then I'm..."
J: "Oh, God. No one told you about Reversy Toilet then? "
G:" No. Why is that even a thing?"
PA Announcement: "A reminder that the 4077th Christmas party for the Korean children in the area will be held today at 1400 hours, so everyone turn out to meet the kids. Santa will be there, too; we can only hope he's sober."
HANK: "I wish I could have gone to Bobby's meet today. Why do I always have to be Mr. Strickland's character witness?"
PEGGY:" Well, I think it's an honor."
Matt: "How do you know she wants to break up with you tonight?"
Johnny: "She called me and said our relationship wasn't working at all, that we had to get together for dinner tonight and have a very painful conversation."
Matt: "That could mean anything."
"Mom and dad have been sneaking good toilet paper in here. [Gasps] It feels like a pillow for your butt. No wonder dad always comes out of here whistling."
[Stacey enters a room full of staff, angry at Zack]
S: "I know it was you who sold Mrs. King the mayonnaise suntan lotion!"
Z: "Yes, well, I heard it was good for the skin."
S: "Wrong! As we speak, that poor woman is being attacked by a flock of hungry seagulls."
Z: "Well, at least she'll have a good tan".
[everyone leaves the room except for Stacey and Zack]
Z: "Mayonnaise suntan lotion?"
S: "I don't know. It sounded like one of your scams."
Z: "It is frightening how well you know me."
Hilary: [looking at self in mirror] "Well, if you sit around the house all afternoon and never develop any outside interests you'll become a very, very shallow person. And you won't get into any of the good nightclubs."
Uncle Phil: "So, young man, how'd it go at school today?"
Will: "I joined the poetry club."
Uncle Phil: "Excellent. I remember when I got interested in poetry. So who's the girl?"
"So now I got some stupid kid following me around all morning. Hanging out with the average American school kid, and me without my bullet-proof vest."
"Sorry, I was just listening to some affirmations. Turns out I'm strong."
Craig: "I got to go."
Alangulon: "What? Um... What got into him? "
Zorn: "Yeah. If he doesn't have diarrhea, that exit was insane."
Craig: "I'm afraid of Santa Claus. . It started when I was six, right after my parents separated. My dad came to our house dressed as you-know-who. But what he didn't know was that my mom's "friend" Hank was there. I stood there and watched as Santa Claus... gave Hank a holly jolly ass-whooping. It was not pretty. It was like an outtake from a Tarantino movie."
Alangulon: "It's like I'm the puppet master and they were just two people I tricked to come to my dumb puppet show."
"Roland's been trying to help me, offered off his movie posters, you know, but I just don't think that "The Pelican Brief" is festive enough for a baby shower."
