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Private Notes
Alright, smart guys, answer me this: If God didn't want us to pee all over our beds then why did he make them the place where we have sex most of the time? Check and mate!
Here's a tip for all you aspiring magicians out there: If the party you're attending starts to drag, just gather a group, perform any trick in your repertoire, and watch amazed as every drop of vaginal moisture in the room... disappears!
Look. I'm not saying that James is a sociopath who is one bad day away from killing us all without a glimmer of remorse muddying those beautiful baby blues.
I'm saying he's zero bad days away.
For those of you too young to remember, Nick Arcade was a popular 90s game show in which children answered video game trivia for a chance stumble around a local TV weatherman simulator.
Answer key:
a. Martha
b. Bat-Nipples
c. The other Martha
d. Ben Affleck's girdle
e. Superman banging that chick on the Statue of liberty
f. Both Marthas.
I haven't seen the Chris Evans dick pic but I imagine that much like Chris himself, it's vascular, topped with beautiful blond hair, and regrets appearing in "Push".
Can somebody out there invent a time machine and put it in a failed 80's sports car? I need to go back and make out with my mom real quick.
How dare you suggest that we filmed this years ago and never found the right place for it but are sick of looking at it in our queue?! The balls on some people.
Aw, lucky! At my summer camp all I learned how to do was make friendship bracelets and take beatings.
The couple that expresses impacted canine anal glands together, stays together.
Fun Fact: Bandicoots are the only animal in all of Australia that is not actively trying to kill you from the moment it wriggles slick and shrieking from its mother's pouch.
This is just like one of those old timey themed murder mystery parties except here I don't have to stumble on my wife banging some dude dressed as a railroad tycoon.
I haven't seen a video game ruin friendships this badly since "The Bruce/Bones Rainbow Road Track Jump Debacle" of 1999. He got so mad he beat me with my own Sixpence None the Richer mix CD.
Sorry, guys. I really tried to wring out another "bust" pun for the title of this video, but I'm spent. I was hoping for a stroke of genius and ended up with jack. Sometimes the ideas keep coming and coming but today I'm shooting nothing but blanks. If any of you wanna share your tips, I'll make sure you don't get shafted on the credit.
Make sure to tune in again next week when we have Ryan try to navigate Actual Reality. Spoiler alert: He breaks three fingers trying to to open a checking account.
Someday far in the future, your grandchildren will hop up on your lap and ask you what 2020 was like. And then, with tears in your eyes and shame in your heart, you'll have to explain how your generation allowed three separate Walking Dead shows to be on the air at the same time.
Performing meaningless chores and waiting for a loved one to inevitably murder you? Is this a video game... or my marriage?! Aaaaghahahahahahahahaha!
It's funny 'cuz we hate each other and ourselves.
I get that those planes hitting the towers was a big deal and all, but it was no excuse for everybody to ignore my freshly frosted tips. Walk and chew gum, people.
If you sit in a pentagram of candles and play the audio of this gameplay backwards at half speed, you just might hear Jon's secret recipe for his Nana's buttery, award winning Pecan Sandies.
Thank your lucky stars that a real president like George W. Bush was around back then to keep our precious tritium reserves out of the hands of the terrorists.
"We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita: Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and, to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says, 'Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.' I suppose we all thought that, one way or another."
"Right. Sooo did you want the fries, or side salad, or...?"
Traveling back to 2003 to wake you up inside while catching sperm and reminiscing about the comedic reign of Dane Cook.
Sit down and Sta 'zitto. You are about to watch The Speed Boyz zip through Super Mario 64, Sunshine, and Galaxy while trying to impress Bones with their knowledge of Italian trivia.
The couple that expresses impacted canine anal glands together, stays together.
Throwin' back to 2004 when Conan's thighs were juicy, the Catholic church got kinky, and Monday's still sucked.
We built this company on a foundation of queefs and can't figure out why people keep saying we are full of hot air.
Spread the peanut butter on one piece of bread.
Spread the jelly on the other side.
Put the two pieces of bread together to form a sandwich.
Toddler adaptation: cut off crusts before serving.
Pastafarian Prayer:
Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns.
No one talks about the fact that zombies are most likely pooping their pants non-stop.
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit. Bubbles was hands down the best character in The Wire. Fight me.
Don't fret Jon. I'll totally let you borrow my PS5! SIKE.
In this episode we travel back to 2007 & look back at Ryan's days on the clothing optional farm.
Some co-op photos provided by Meg Seidel
This gameplay was so frustrating they had to invent six new swears just to make it through. I'm not sure what "Shrunt" even means, but best not to say it in front of your Nana.
My parkour is getting out of bed in the morning without rolling back and forth three times and pulling my groin.
If you think Dubbya ducking that shoe was impressive, you should see all the war crimes charges he's dodged.
BOOOOOOMM! Take that you obscenely wealthy, untouchable political scion!
It's time to show that cyber-stuff! Now casting Bottom's Up 2! We are searching for the next big thing in booty. Do you have what it taints?
Leave it to Ryan to nearly give himself a sweat-soaked heart attack while inflating a rubber swan.
1 pound dried black-eyed peas (fresh or canned black-eyed peas can be substituted)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
6 ounces pork shoulder, diced into 1/2-inch cubes
4 strips thick sliced bacon, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1 medium onion, small diced
4 garlic cloves, sliced
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon garlic powder
4 cups chicken stock
2 cups water
3 bay leaves
Hot-pepper vinegar, as desired
If using dried black-eyed peas, put them in a large pot and cover with about 4 inches of water. Soak the peas overnight, then drain the water and rinse. Alternatively, you can "quick-soak" the peas by bringing them and the water to a boil for 2 minutes. After this, remove them from the heat, cover the pot and soak the peas for 1 hour. Then, drain and rinse the peas.
Heat the oil in a large pot over medium-high heat. When the oil is shimmering, add the pork. Sear until the pork is browned on all sides, 4 to 5 minutes. Add
Sure. It's easy to laugh about how horny Jacob is these days when you're not the one hosing down his crunchy Phantom Menace bedsheets every morning.
