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Private Notes
Whatever, nerds. My grandfather took a chest full of REAL shrapnel back in WWII and all he got out of it was a lifetime of arrhythmia and medal from Mussolini.
The Mothman, the Jersey Devil, Chupacabra, Nessie. Oh sorry. I was just listing things I'd rather be f*cked by than watch a single episode of Finding Bigfoot.
I'd like to say that Don Bluth would be offended by all this artwork but have you played Dragon's Lair? His only note would probably be that the nipples weren't long enough.
If you ever have any trouble understanding the X-Men continuity, just remember that Professor X is MLK, Magneto is Malcolm X, the Legacy Virus is AIDS, and Maggot is f*cking stupid.
Hawaii is by far my favorite formerly unincorporated, illegally annexed American imperial holding. But keep your chin up, Sarigan of the Northern Mariana Islands. Your day will come.
The death of a child is never EVER something to laugh about. Unless they were brutally murdered by Las Vegas funnyman Terry Fator, performing live every Thursday, Friday and Sunday at 7:30 and 9:30 PM, only at New York-New York Hotel and Casino!
Jacob doesn't need gamma rays to make him angry. Once I asked him if Gundams were the same as Transformers and he got so mad he cut the tip of my dick off with his nippers.
Sure, Outback Steakhouse says "No Rules, Just Right", but slip you d*ck into just one warm, welcoming, pillowy-soft loaf of their brown bread and see how fast the cops show up.
Instead of hosing out the innards of my Real Doll I just leave it all in there to cure. Over time you will create thriving microbiome of competing flora and fauna, much like a terrarium or your colon.
This is still better than the Spider-Man comic that takes place in a future where Doc Ock's arms drag his corpse around town and Peter killed Mary Jane with his semen.
My partner was super picky about their diamond engagement ring. They demanded a certificate of authenticity, a laboratory purity test, and a dated photograph of the seven year old who yanked it from the ground.
Leave it to Funhaus to once again rely on cartoonish Italian stereotypkjkiwsyh. Oops. Sorry about that. A meatball rolled off this plate of ziti my goomah made, right onto the keyboard. Mama mia!
I'm not saying that model railroad building is the whitest hobby, but all those guys brewing undrinkable IPAs in their garages better watch their backs.
Okay, who had "Young Boy's Corpse Made Into Ventriloquist Dummy" in the Bits We Thought Were Too Dark Even for Funhaus pool?
If the woke left can inflict their sex-obsessed, non-binary agenda on our leanest, smoothest, stickiest, most sinewy, pliable and latex-clad superhero, then nobody is safe.
There's a reason Tennessee is known as "The Get Pregnant From a Hot Tub State."
Nothin' says lovin' like puffy-nipped furries, tiny gorilla wieners, and Sylvester Stallone's underpants brimming with poop.
You've got a ant in me.
Yeah, you got a ant in me.
When the uh... ants look rough ahead,
And yer miles and miles
From your nice warm... ant bed?
Hold up, now. What do ants sleep on?
Doit? Do they jus' sleep in the doit?
Oh well, Ol' Randy gon' push on through. Heah we go!
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you've got an ant in aaaaants!
This is a sentence that I hoped I'd never have to say, but... I've run out of murder-suicide jokes for these wrestling videos. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better whatever this job is. I'll go pack my things.
Hooters is a great place to eat if you kinda like Buffalo Wings, but REALLY like hiding your erection under a pile greasy paper napkins.
Ugh. I forgot about rollerbladers. I guess I have to add them into the list of people who were cooler than me in high school, right between the speech therapy class and the kid who read Farscape novels alone by the dumpsters.
Is it still Fruit By the Foot if you dump them all in a bowl and eat them by the handful like Fiddle Faddle, paper and all?
Somewhere right now in the multiverse, a father is stumbling through Disney's RTX Red Rock Land, getting hammered on "Mars Milk" while his shitty kids build replica IRIS bots.
Back in the 80s James was swimming around in toys like Scrooge McDuck, while all poor Wheezy had was a tattered Michael J Fox poster and a robot that transformed into Prime Minister Brian Mulroney.
Wait, we're searching for a wolf to mate with? Perfect! All my years of submissive peeing will finally pay off.
This video is brought to you by Reno, Nevada!
Reno: Enjoy all the racism of the deep south without the chance of running into any actual people of color.
Funhaus Zany Chuck Norris Fact #87:
Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice, then endorsed accused serial sexual predator Roy Moore for senate in Alabama's 2017 special election.
It's nice to finally see Ryan rushing to finish something other than a six-pack of Budweiser or a sperm donation.
Seven Deadly Sins? I've done them all. Wrath. Envy. Using the term "awesome-sauce". Rooting through an ex-girlfriend's trash for old conditioner bottles so I can smell her in the nighttime. Sloth. You name it.
It's easy to laugh at some weirdo s***ing off a horse, but in reality it's sickening, cruel, and almost criminal to waste that much perfectly good seed.
I prefer to wear the same color skin suit every day, like Einstein. That way, instead of worrying about fashion I can devote all my brain power towards mimicking normal human emotion in public.
This International Women's Day treat the lady in your life to something truly special, like a luxurious spa weekend or finally letting her learn how to read.
Ryan probably spent twenty minutes trying to convince that canvas he had a latex allergy before reluctantly slapping on a half-opened Trojan he found on the ground at a Fantomas show.
Honestly, at this point I'd be surprised if Ryan DIDN'T know somebody that s*cked off at least one member of The Rat Pack.
I'd like to sit here and calmly deconstruct the offensive Italian stereotypes portrayed in this video, but my goomah just called and she finally scrubbed all the mortadella grease out of my good Sunday tracksuit.
Bubsy thumbnail art from gerkk
I've had some rough experiences with law enforcement in the past, but luckily for me my kink is getting my neck knelt on by paunchy guys in polyester pants.
You ever that have reoccurring dream where you're late for school and forgot to study for a super important test and when you finally burst into class you're in your underwear and there's a shadow demon with the voice of your mom holding your severed penis in a crystal goblet? Yeah, me neither.
Sure, women say they want a man in touch with his sensitive side, but burst into tears the second she touches your penis just once and see how fast that Uber shows up.
Okay, who picked Multiplicity in the "New Funhaus Obscure Mid 90s Movie Obsession" pool? I just lost my kid's entire college fund on The fucking Pelican Brief.
Jeez, with all the options out there you'd think 2.2 billion people could find a better savior than a foot fetishist with daddy issues.
I imagine the scene of Ryan entering the sperm bank is a lot like Norm walking into Cheers, except before the staff can shout his name, Ryan c*ms all over everything
In Japan, hanging out room full of pregnant spiders is the #3 most popular after work activity, right below karaoke bars and those clubs where you pay a woman dressed as Cinnamoroll to scream at your penis for an hour.
I know Creator Clash has its heart in the right place, but making all those sick kids fight streamers just to get their medicine seems pretty messed up.
I'm a lot like Garfield in that I love lasagna, I hate Mondays, and regular exposure to my poop has been known to cause miscarriages, especially in women over thirty.
I'd worry about offending some Canadians with this video but I'm pretty sure their YouTube is limited by the government to old Caillou episodes and grainy clips of the 1987 Canada Cup.
What's really scary is to think that modern psychiatry might not even exist today if Sigmund Freud's mom had been just a little less f**kable.
Sure, people on dating sites all say they love to travel, but drive them across one state line and suddenly it's nothing but "Why isn't there a door handle?" and "Please, I have a family!"
My family couldn't afford a PlayStation when this game came out, but I did spend most of 1995 chained inside a rusted ice cream truck so I think I get the gist of it.
Take it from me. You pick up somebody else's newborn in the real world and and start running, you'd better believe ol' Connie from hospital admin is gonna give you an earful.
Bram Stoker's Dracula combined all the thrills and chills of high end residential real estate acquisition with the subtle gothic eroticism of Tom Waits eating spiders.
Ah, the good old days of cinema, when Italians portrayed Native Americans, Latinos, Arabs, or anyone else too dark to be played by Micky Rooney in a wig and false teeth.
Thank you all for watching the Ryan Hailey Seed Retrospective. Stay tuned for the In Memoriam segment in which we honor all those slick, squirming little troopers that were mopped off the clinic floor.
Those undignified Doraemon urinals are only for tourists. Real native Japanese people are paid to relieve themselves overworked, clinically depressed businessmen DRESSED as Doraemon
The editor might be too old to even spell rizz, but not me. I've got so much rizz, I don't even know what to do with it. I talk to a woman in the club and rizz just starts shooting out of me. Later in bed, women tell me that most guys take a lot longer than forty seconds to rizz, so lately I've been rizzing by myself beforehand.
You expect us all to believe that Ryan had access to some drugs and saved them for later instead of immediately ingesting or inhaling them? Suuure. Next you'll be telling us that he has a checking account and owns two matching socks.
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "The Rancor." That's when right as you're about to finish, you shut your partner's head in a window while a shirtless chubby guy in harem pants cries from the corner.
Efil ruoy ni stsohg naht smelborp tnatropmi erom evah uoy siht daer dna esrever ot emit eht nekat yllautca evah uoy fi.
Of all the movies that feature Molly Shannon getting blasted in the face by an infected pimple, Osmosis Jones is easily in my top three.
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "The Attichitcuk." That's when you wear nothing but a dusty old fur coat and an Oculus, then pleasure yourself in the middle of your family's living room.
Just in case the call from Survivor comes in, Ryan starts every morning by keistering a spool of twine, four waterproof watches, a tallboy of Bud Dry, and the t-shirt he got for his walk-on roll in Memphis Beat.
Which button do I press to make a creepy 28 year old floor manager spend half the rush being WAY too interested in the dating life of a 16 year old hostess.
Jacob's new favorite sex position is called the "Endor Feast" That's when you get spit-roasted by a bunch of short hairy guys until a dude covered in gold body paint orders them to stop.
Check out the LOST footage from our most recent episode of Jacob's Jedi Academy! Only for Funhaus Members!
The media loves to portray being in the C.I.A. as so glamorous and exciting, when it's really mostly just paperwork and flooding inner cities with crack.
Join the boys next week when they laugh for a full six minutes about periods and do that thing where you and a friend lock your fingers together, then spread them and peek inside
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "Jabba's Last Sail." That's when you pay a woman in a gold bikini to choke you out while three men wriggle their hands around inside of you.
And lo, it has been written, do not be led astray by the artifice of these smooth, sinewy, and deliciously shredded angels of the host! True servants of the lord only spill their seed upon the dust to eight-winged eyeball monsters. Amen.
If you suddenly realize you forgot to buy TP, don't panic. Just grab some newspaper, a handful of leaves, the cover of a Highlights magazine, or anything else within arms reach of your ex-girlfriend's welcome mat.
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "The Mustafar Crawl." That's when you crank up the heat in your apartment, have your partner sit on three of your limbs until they go numb, then drag yourself to the bed with your one good arm.
This video is brought to you by Christian Rock!
Christian Rock: Helping youth pastors get to second base with their teen students for over fifty years!
Somewhere right now, Patrick is sitting in a cozy chair, feeling the delicate flutter of his new child's heartbeat against his chest, and is f*cking livid that we didn't make our fighter look like Turin Turambar.
Jacob's new favorite s*x act is called " The Sebulba." That's when you and your partner run laps around the house, then give each other angry foot-jobs until morning.
When the OJ verdict finally came in, the kids in my high school were so shocked that they stopped giving me a pink belly for six whole seconds before pantsing me and tossing my Farscape novelization into the toilet.
I think I'll pass on this Mario Kart ripoff until the DLC when I can play as my favorite new Disney acquisition: Rennervations first assistant director Jayant Rao.
Ah, 1996. 7th Heaven taught us how to love, Suddenly Susan taught us how to laugh, and a bottle of Herbal Essences taught a young Bones to be careful choosing what to beat off with in the shower.
Was 1997 the peak of disgusting, bloated, wonky, rock-hard, fake tiddies, or do I need to adjust the dial on this time machine?
In 1998, Will Smith dominated the airwaves, releasing three hit singles, topping the previous year in which he released two teaspoons of what would eventually become Jaden.
Oh yeah, smart guy? Well, if Y2K never happened then why have I been drinking my own filtered urine in this bunker for the past 23 years?
Don't forget to phrase your enraged shrieks of frustration and disbelief in the form of a question.
Treasures from Ryan's storage unit include six broken papasan chairs, two milk crates full of iguana eggs, some reeaaally unconvincing Dixie Carter deepfakes, and the poop that killed Elvis.
Now, I'm not saying Train's 2000 hit "Meet Virginia" is the ONLY reason they flew those planes into the towers. "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down wasn't doing us infidels any favors either.
So I guess a Mensa membership is just something you get for a few bucks on the internet, now? Like those cards that say you're a minister, or a drifter's kidney.
Tune in next time for the "All Ryan Cage Match Spectacular" featuring Sith Lord Ryan, Pastafarian Ryan, a VERY nude F*** Farm Ryan, and Post Sperm Donation Sleepy-time Ryan.
"I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out . . . particularly in and out. I'll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier! [I'll come back as] a Tampax. Just my luck! My luck to be chucked down a lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down.”
-Charles III, King of the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth Realms
There were going to make a FantaMan video game but devs shut it down when his origin story was revealed to be... problematic.
Jacob's new favorite s*x act is called the "Canto Bight." That's when you and your partner spend all day trying to find someone hot to bang, but end up double-teaming some rando with a speech impediment.
The Santa Clause wasn't really a holiday staple in my house as a kid, probably because my dad went to prison for throwing a guy off a roof.
Jacob's new favorite s*x act is called "Tusken Raiding" That's when you're part of an orgy but you all bang each other single file to hide your numbers.
Universal Studios tour guide is a great job for someone who wants to break into showbiz but lacks the fiery charisma of the guy dressed as a minion in front of Grauman's.
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