Add
Private Notes
Motility classifications of sperm:
Non-motile - No movement at all.
Progressively motile - swim forward in an essentially straight line.
Non-progressively motile - Swim in an abnormal path or tight circles.
Hailey motile - Lose their way, are later found asleep on a discarded futon mattress two towns over.
Careful, guys. The last time someone did a Walken impression in Kevin Pollack's territory, they were beaten half to death by a passable Peter Falk.
How can Australian police ever confidently charge someone with murder when every biological obscenity on that charred hellscape of an island is constantly trying to kill you?
Y'know what? Now that you mention it, men and women do react to certain social situation differently. Huh? Have you any provocative thoughts on airplane peanuts?
In the 1800's the only beverages that didn't have cocaine in them were unpasteurized goat milk, sacramental wine, and laudanum.
In the 1800's the only beverages that didn't have cocaine in them were unpasteurized goat milk, sacramental wine, and laudanum.
My parents could only afford the off-brand Legos they sold at the swap meet. They were okay, except instead of that little orange separator tool, each box came with the mocking laughter of your peers.
Go to http://go.factor75.com/funhaus120 to get $120 off. Like my mother always said, "It's never too early to start fat-shaming your children. Now quit crying into your Dulcolax and hand me my smokes". We aren't currently speaking. Follow Us On Social: https://twitter.com/JacobFullerton https://twitter.com/ryansgameshow https://twitter.com/linzbot https://twitter.com/handsomemaster2 https://twitter.com/mc_lotta Tshirts n stuff: https://store.roosterteeth.com/collections/funhaus Welcome to Funhaus, the internet's ONLY comedy, gaming, and variety channel since 2015! Join FIRST to watch episodes early: http://bit.ly/2uNNz0O Tshirts n stuff: https://store.roosterteeth.com/collections/funhaus Fat Baby gameplay on Steam.
Being crowned "The Sexiest Man Alive" on a cruise ship is kinda like winning "Best Smelling Bicycle Seat" at Burning Man.
If Barbie were an actual women, she would be 5’9” tall, have a 39” bust, an 18” waist, 33” hips, and would likely have a BMI too low to properly menstruate.
Get your RTX badge at http://bit.ly/rtxaustin22 If "Short People" is just meant to be a satirical look at the absurdity of prejudice, then why do I have this crawlspace full of jockey skeletons? Follow Us On Social: https://twitter.com/jameswillems https://twitter.com/ElyseWillems https://twitter.com/_JacobFullerton https://twitter.com/handsomemaster2 Tshirts n stuff: https://store.roosterteeth.com/collections/funhaus Welcome to Funhaus, the internet's ONLY comedy, gaming, and variety channel since 2015! About LA Noire: Idiot Detective: Watch as our team saves the city from commies, jazz enthusiasts, and hysterical dames who can't seem to pipe down! Join FIRST to watch episodes early: http://bit.ly/2uNNz0O
By the late 70s, Studio 54 was the only club in the world where you could listen to Alan Alda give a passionate lecture on the Equal Rights Amendment while watching Liza Minelli tug off half the cast of Welcome Back Kotter.
Pretty soon there's gonna be a whole lot of confused moms out there wondering why their perfect little miracle angels shriek with terror every time they see a pair of pants with belt loops.
Mark Wahlberg wanted to dig deep into his Boston roots for his role in The Departed, but sadly producers couldn't find two Vietnamese men willing to be blinded for scale.
Once, a few years ago, Jacob's Magnum condom tore under the strain of his considerate yet determined lovemaking. Nine months later his girlfriend gave birth to a shrieking litter of Gundam models and gently used copy of Truce at Bakura.
Benjamin Franklin also proposed the creation of a simpler alphabet, removing redundant letters and adding a few of his own. When asked why he felt this was necessary, Franklin mumbled something incomprehensible beneath the heaving breasts of several aged French prostitutes.
You Zoomers haven't lived until you've spent an entire afternoon downloading a single fake nude pic of Sarah Michelle Gellar, wedged between some nerd playing Everquest and a wrongly accused woman on the run, desperately trying to clear her name.
If it weren't for Ronald Reagan swimming across the Bering Sea and personally banging the collectivist ideology out of every Soviet citizen, we'd all be slurping borsht right about now.
To get into Studio 54 in those days it was either make out with Bowie or listen to Dali talk about surrealist automatism and mustache wax for like the millionth time. You'd be puckering up too.
Everybody looooves Super Smash Bros. But I punch a few gorillas off of a cliff and suddenly I'm not allowed to see my kids anymore.
This is the longest Jacob has been outside since the day his tiny reed basket washed up on the steps of the Funhaus offices all those years ago.
For those of you who are new to professional wrestling, the "Attitude Era" was defined mostly by performers donning a lot of black clothing and gimmicky makeup before killing their entire family and themselves.
In the bleak futuristic hellscape of Omikron City, only two impressions remain: a passable David Bowie, and a pretty offensive French stereotype.
Just imagine… a world in which these were the only kind of unsolicited weenie pics in your inbox. One can dream!
This just in: Ryan Hailey 5% Irish Attorney At Law is now representing any and all child Bengals fans who bullied and/or asked "Whose house?!" during/after the events of Super Bowl LVI. If you or someone you love under 4'11 has suffered emotional distress following these events please contact the law office of Ryan Hailey 5% Irish Attorney At Law .
I may not be able to rattle of the names of all the Supreme Court Justices but I sure as heck can tell you all the secret menu items at at at least three American fast food chains.
In France, Parkour artists do everything the Americans can do, but with a lit Gauloises in one hand and their favorite mistress' chatte in the other.
Jesus' Ultimate Cross Training Workout:
Step 1: Bulk up on bread and wine with your bros.
Step 2: Drag a literal cross up a hill.
Step 3: Die on that shit.
Step 4: Three day cut and cool down in a dank ass cave.
Step 5: Roll a boulder the f*ck out your way and ascend to heaven like a boss.
If you rub Bowie enough times he'll grant you three wishes too. As long as two of them are for wave after wave of luminescent, otherworldly seed, and the third for a signed HD DVD of Zoolander.
The keys to a successful marriage proposal are forethought and attention to detail. I carefully swapped my wife's birth control with Mini Altoids for months before I asked her. Man, you should've seen the waterworks when she finally said yes.
Jazz is just something lame that people pretend to enjoy because they think it'll make them look cool, like Wes Anderson movies or James Willems.
You'll have to cut Jacob a little slack on this one. He's had a hell of a temper ever since he gave up his five pack a day Koala Yummies habit.
I'd like to make a joke about Jacob and his love of Destiny, but then I'd actually have to sit down and learn something about it, and my kids bully me enough as it is.
I once asked Ryan if he got his Covid vaccine and he kicked me in the dick so hard that I pooped a fully dewormed Clydesdale.
En France, si vous avez moins de six maîtresses, vous êtes toujours techniquement considéré comme vierge.
Dodgeball is all fun and games until that day in the 3rd grade when Roger DiFazio hits you so hard in the solar plexus that you pee all the way down into your off-brand British Knights. One would imagine.
Man, how easy was it to be a doctor in the late 1800s? The cure for every malady was either cocaine, hysterical paroxysm, or a series of increasingly delicious enemas.
I didn't know that TikTok even allowed you to publish explicit closeups of little cups being filled with liter after liter of potent, Memphis-bred seed.
Kevin Feige originally wanted James to play Captain America, but the VFX team crashed $7,000,000 worth of computer equipment trying to make him look puny during the first act.
I once saw X at the mall and told him I liked Pimp My Ride, so he bolted three flat screen TVs to my torso and shoved the season 2 DVD set straight up my *ss.
I was a different time. You'd probably murder a bunch of women too, if all you had to beat off to was your neighbor's brassieres hanging on a clothesline and one dogeared photo of Betty Grable in a one piece.
At last, after eighteen long years, Hollywood has finally perfected the computer generated eye-opening technology needed to properly tell this story.
Jacob Fullerton in a Jedi robe with a mask of his own face strapped to the back of his head? Uh oh. Looks like somebody's been reading my dream journal again.
Don't let the tiny unimportant details of your wedding stress you out. As long as the dowry goat is fertile and the marital sheets hang heavy with crimson, the village seer shall bless your land with a bountiful autumn harvest.
Look. I'm not say that Ryan's secret hidden room is filled with nothing but countless jars of backup seed. There's probably a few crumpled Filet-o-Fish wrappers laying around too. Watch your step.
Remember when pleasuring your partner to always start out slow, with tender circular motions, so things don't heat up too quickly. Then gently fold in the egg whites so as not to knock all the air out. Pour into a greased and floured pan and cook at 325° for abou- y'know what? That's how you bake a soufflé. I have no idea how to please a woman.
Jacob Fullerton's new favorite s*x act is called "The Grievous". That's when you bang your asthmatic partner on a unicycle, finish on their chest, then whisper "So uncivilized" into their ear.
Poor Jackie probably can't even get hard anymore unless he's thrusting through the rungs of a ladder while dangling from a giant clock.
It's true. Most actors are lot shorter than you think. I heard Daniel Radcliffe bathes in a thimble and rides to set every day in one of those Stuart Little RC cars from Radio Shack.
"Uhh hey Tony. It's... (sigh). It's Clint again. Clint Ba- well you know who I am. Just calling to see if there was any movement on that suit. Y'know, the Iron Hawk suit we talked about. The one with the targeting computer and the... armor. The purple skirt is great and all, but I'm like, seventy, seventy-five percent nano-flesh now and the wife's starting to worry. Soooo... yeah. If you could just gimme a call whenevs, that would be cool. Cool, cool, cool. 'Kay bye. Oh wait! I switched to Cricket and got a new num-(BEEEEEEEEEP)."
The first Thor movie combined all the excitement of sitting in a diner with the non-stop thrills of looking at a hole in the desert.
"Maybe 3 minutes of "pod racing" and the rest is BS." is also a great descriptor for my sex life.
As people go their own way, destiny goes with them. ~ Tamil Proverbs
You think if we throw a monkey in the kitchen at In N Out we could actually get some half decent fries?
My ideal superpower would be the ability to turn water into soup, that way I'd never be too far from having myself a little snicky snack.
King Ryan has his own version of Prima Nocta where on the night of her wedding he takes the bride into his chambers, places her on his bed, and makes her listen to King Missile bootlegs until dawn.
Please be patient with Ryan. He broke his other four fingers in a freak belt-tightening accident. That day he vowed: Never again.
Funhaus Cocktail Corner Recipe #137:
"The Hailey"
14 oz. Vodka (plastic bottle preferred)
2 cans warm Modelo
1 pouch Capri Sun (straw lost inside)
-Mix all ingredients in mouth.
-Take bong rip.
-Wake up covered in poison oak on top of Wendy's drive thru display.
Ang Lee's HULK was the only superhero movie brave enough to explore the deep emotional scars of parental abuse using little more than mutated poodles and Nick Nolte eating electricity.
My post-excretion regimen goes as follows: Extra soft toilet paper, bidet, baby wipes, corn cob, Lysol wipes, fetid rag on stick, a dusting of Comet, and a quick spritz of Binaca if I'm feeling fancy.
Is it still technically cheating if the alley behind the Quizno's is too dark to really see anything?
I'm just glad to finally hear a story from Jon's childhood that doesn't involve a youth pastor with the voice of an angel and grip of a longshoreman.
How many time a week do you think Kevin Feige has to call the cops on a belligerent Michael Chiklis, all high on orange paint fumes, threatening to "clobber" himself if he doesn't get a cameo.
Mario Kart 64 was a great way to spend a Friday night if you had three good friends but really wanted to pare that down to one or less by Saturday morning.
Ronald Reagan single-handedly ended the cold war through a complex strategy of isolation, aggressive armament, and the deployment of Nancy to personally s*ck off the entire Politburo.
Did anyone else spend their childhood afternoons separating gummy bears by color, letting them harden in the fridge, then slowly eating them from worst to best in front the tv, or did you guys have parents who gave a shit?
Looney Tunes also taught me that speech impediments are funny, pants are optional, and if you slap lipstick on a rabbit, hunters will try and f**k it.
I don't think any of us imagined we'd live to see the day when Funhaus had to scramble to find a single white person milling about.
My wife sank a bunch of our money into Ethereum right before the crash and she's starting to look a little more fungible every time I check Coinbase.
When it comes to me and dildos, the veinier the better. I like mine to look like the back of your Nana's hand while struggling with a jar of marmalade.
A sound engineer once forgot to refer to James as "Draven" while in studio, so James tossed a mic stand through the glass, calmly pooped on the mixing board, and nailed the rest of his lines in a single take. Because he's a professional.
Jacob got so drunk from those few sips of rum he woke up the next morning in Vegas, hungover as hell and married to a sloppily constructed Gundam Deathscythe model.
Call me old fashioned, but I believe that ball-stepping, penis flogging, and urethra play should only take place within the confines of marriage for the purpose of reproduction.
If being loving and dutiful to your mother is so wrong then why did god make me such a filthy little dirt boy who will never be loved by anyone else?
I realize that in the few years since John Holland brought his musical prowess to our team, our views and subs have gone down a bit. But on the bright side, our panty-soaking numbers are WAY up.
In my day NFTs were called Beanie Babies, and the block chain was a dusty display case in everybody's aunt's spare bedroom.
"Ah, Paul Walker. Welcome to your own personal Hell!"
"Sup?"
"Here you may surf all day, but not a single wave shall be the least bit gnar!"
"M'kay."
"Drive anywhere as fast as you like... in your 1991 Suzuki Sidekick!"
"Weak."
"And bed all the women your pitiful organ can endure, but each one will be... above the age of consent!"
"... NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Pardon me, Your Majesty. I had no idea that the TikTok millionaires over at Squad Team Force are too fancy to sh*t in trash cans now.
You know, if a human did half the f'd up stuff your adorable little cats do, they'd be making biscuits on a white supremacist's belly in prison right now.
Some bartenders actually coax new staff into taking a "Mat Shot" as a hazing ritual. It's like getting jumped into a gang except instead of protection and a cool bandana, you get diarrhea.
Nah, man. You gotta buy during bacwardation, when the golden cross is in line with the merge! Otherwise you get airdropped into the hard fork while your homies are shorting the quarts!
I miss the glory days of wrestling in the 80s when they didn't let the overly choreographed acrobatics of the athletes distract from the blatant racism of the characters.
Seriously, where do we go from here? The next episode will probably just be twelve minutes Ryan singing "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" over home movies of his circumcision.
Cat ownership couldn't be any more masochistic if you strapped little high heels to their paws and let them step all over your balls.
According to Variety, Tom Cruise was so despondent over the failure of "The Mummy" that he couldn't pee on Shelly Miscavige through the bars of her cage for three whole weeks.
I didn't know that TikTok even allowed you to publish explicit closeups of yourself filling little cups with liter after liter of potent, Memphis-bred seed.
This is why whenever I start dating someone, I always hire a guy to follow them around and bring me back samples of discarded hair and undergarments. You don't want to end up with a creep
Man, Zach's mom was really looking out for him. My folks sat us down to watch The Godfather through a haze of second hand pot smoke when I was eight. To their credit, they told me Sonny's wife was measuring a fish with her hands at the wedding.
I miss my big old Nokia brick with the swappable faceplates. How else am I supposed to let everyone know if they're dealing unapologetic "Flame Decal" Bones or the more introspective "Guy from Savage Garden" Bones.
All this game needs to be the Québécois version of "Ocean's Eleven" is a funky retro soundtrack and about a dozen shots of Brad Pitt eating meat pies.
Second runner up in the "Best Office Infidelity/Wallet Finding Sim" category at the 1996 FMV Awards.
Ryan visits the Renaissance Faire and impregnates three silversmiths and a gallowsman atop a pile of discarded turkey leg bones. Huzzah! `
Ryan drives a Hyundai? I would've pictured him rolling around town in either a condemned ice cream truck, a hearse, or a rusted bumper car with two lawnmower engines strapped to the sides.
Welcome to Funhaus, the internet's ONLY comedy, gaming, and variety channel since 2015!
Next week on Deadly Premonition: Ryan reveals he once organized a popper-fueled kickball tournament where the grand prize was twenty minutes in that bottomless chair from Casino Royale.
This one may seem like a lot at first, but I'll take any video where Ryan doesn't talk about either expelling his bodily fluids or swallowing someone else's as a win for Funhaus.
Funhaus Dating Tip #84:
A little chivalry goes a long way. If your date is unsatisfied with her meal, impress her by smacking the waiter across the face with a thin white glove, then running him through with a lance.
I don't mess around with Omegle or Chat Roulette. If I want to anonymously jack off to a total stranger, I'll do it from the corner booth of my local Arby's the way god intended.
Take it from me: When your wife asks you for something personal this Christmas, she is NOT referring to a new bathroom scale and a framed picture of her before all the baby weight. I don't care how much macaroni and glitter your kids glue to it.
Not ALL mall Santas are chronically unemployed, gin-soaked kid-diddlers. Some of them drink whiskey as well.
I haven't been to Vegas in a while. Is Thunder Down Under still there, or do I have to start beating off in the M&M store again?
The judges really should've known that guy was cheating when he referred to the Knight pieces as "little horsey guys" then came all over the clock.
I didn't really get a chance to watch the X-Files when first came out. If I even thought about turning off Step By Step my dad would beat me with a pillowcase full of pog slammers.
