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Private Notes
It's my last description before break and I'm fucking tired so just imagine something here about Jacob's wiener, then pepper in a few "Just the Ten of Us" references and you're basically there.
Funhaus Movie Details: Friday the 13th Edition!
It took two films before Jason became the actual killer, three films before he donned the now iconic hockey mask, and five before we got to watch the guy from Juwanna Mann get impaled on a toilet.
Jeopardy? Never heard of it. I'm more of a Win, Lose, or Draw man myself. Shapes is pretty. Words is hard.
I never really played Smash Bros in college. I was too busy getting laaaaaaaiiid! Wait. Hold on please.
(checks earpiece)
Apologies. I'm now being told that I actually spent my college years eating Mama Celeste pizzas and downloading Farscape episodes off of Limewire.
Most popular Canadian food court stalls:
Wetzel's Cretons
Tourtière on a Stick
sBannock
Mademoiselle Fields Butter Tarts
Poutine Julius
My body count? That's a very personal matter and I'm disgusted that you would even ask and one and a half is totally average for someone my age please don't google it.
Maybe if they had given that STD a less delicious name, I wouldn't have been so eager to spread it to so many people.
Making all these decisions in real life can be so stressful. That's why I started three separate families in three different states. One of them is bound to be fulfilling, right?
Før du blir sint på at Thor er en kvinne i neste film, kan du prøve å huske at han allerede har vært en frosk, en hestefremmende, en morderisk robot og en tilfeldig manns sønn.
Funhaus Internet Browsing Tip of the Day:
Please feel free to take a bracing shot of the 80 proof liqueur of choice before deciding to visit the Wikipedia page for "And Then There Were None".
Four tampons a month?! Jeez. How much of that weird blue liquid to you gals produce anyways?
I never actually went to a rave when I was in high school but I was covered in sweat most of the time and owned two Fatboy Slim CDs sooo...
Ryan and ten of his friends once successfully staged an elaborate Vegas heist to rob The Bellagio of its heavily guarded sweatpants reserves.
Coincidentally, at the very same time that Thomas Edison was inventing the phonograph, his rival Nikola Tesla was hunched over his own desk, perfecting everybody's asshole cousin that won't shut up about how much warmer the sound is.
I'm pretty sure I saw Teeth Hole Stuffers open for Save Ferris at the Warped Tour back in '96.
Within a one year period we got Vice Versa, 18 Again!, Like Father Like Son, and Dream A Little Dream. Apparently, the only thing 80s movie producers liked more than cocaine was... well nothing. But body swapping comedies were a close second.
Gather round and witness the finest Hoopsmen and Ballsmiths west of the Mississip' as they toss the old boulder into the rutabaga crate with the utmost savvy and panache!
This video first blossoms on your tongue with subtle hints of mulberry and vanilla, before releasing powerful notes of young oak and shooting dudes in the f*cking face.
Jojn the Funhaus gang as they try to work out the bugs of First Class Trouble but mostly just accidentally eject each other out of airlocks.
You inherited a farm?! Lucky! All my Grampa left me was a watch, three packs of nudie playing cards, and alcoholism.
Come witness the greatest rivalry since Magic and Bird! Seriously, I once saw a pigeon go to town on an old deck of Magic: The Gathering cards. It made a real mess.
Just got my test results from the doctor and apparently my blood type is Cool Ranch....
I said Cool Ranch...
You know, like the Dorit- aw f*ck it. Never mind. You people don't deserve me.
This is what happens when you let Ryan use a burner flip phone he found in the trash as a WIFI hotspot.
Don't make a ball joke, don't make a ball joke, don't make a ball joke...
...
...
Phew. Now that wasn't so ba-nutstestesgonadsemen!!!
Dammit.
I really shouldn't make fun. I pitted out two shirts just writing this description.
WARNING: The following show features stunts performed under the supervision of professionals on a closed set. Accordingly, Rooster Teeth insists that no one attempt to re-create or re-enact any stunt or activity performed in this program. Wear your seatbelts, Funhaus fans!
WARNING: The following show features stunts performed under the supervision of professionals on a closed set. Accordingly, Rooster Teeth insists that no one attempt to re-create or re-enact any stunt or activity performed in this program. Wear your seatbelts, Funhaus fans!
Barb, Diction, and TayderTot join the Funhaus gang for some deception, murder, and... (checks notes) Jodie Foster impressions?
Barb, Diction, and TayderTot join the Funhaus gang for another round of Jon Smith Throws His Controller on the Ground and Calls His Mom To Come Pick him Up.
Its Jacob's world, we are all just trying not to get murdered in it.
You know we could all save A LOT of time if they just installed some security cameras in that damn mansion.
Hide your couches, hide your ottoman. Ryan's peeing on everything up in here.
Ah crap, this means I only have 364 days to dust off my sun frock and ask them to draw me like one of their French girls!
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a cabbage by its ability to climb a ladder, it will live its whole life believing that it is coleslaw.
"Wait'll they get a load of how I got these reach-arounds."
Jocular Man ("Forever Bats", 1995)
Du må betale bompenger for å komme inn i denne guttens hull. Du må betale bompenger for å komme inn.
Cowboy Wizards are exactly like regular wizards except every spell is just the chorus to Friends in Low Places sung backwards.
If you type "ZELDA" into the comments thread of this video, you open up an entirely new gameplay where all the jokes are moved around and harder to find.
I don't care how many house flipping couple shows they throw at us, none will ever be able to match the original playful yet blistering sexual chemistry of The Property Brothers.
If that new Ghostbusters movie doesn't end with all of the cast in a stupid Renaissance painting for no reason whatsoever, I swear to god I'll coat the theater in pink slime and drive it right into the ocean.
Here's a fun Golf w/ Your Friends drinking game:
Take a shot every time somebody makes a "hole" pun then be dead before the back nine.
It takes some time and it can get a little messy, but nothing can match the tang of fresh Ketamine straight from the horse.
Disclaimer: Every Funhaus cast member model featured in this video is fully anatomically correct, except for Jacob's. We crashed three Crypto mining farms trying to render that hog.
I almost named this one "Obstacle Horse" but then I realized I should probably let somebody else be the the funniest, most clever Funhaus member of all time for a change.
It's been a while but I think "The Horse's Bowtie" is when you're banging in a meadow and you feed your partner apples until they throw up all over your neck.
Handsome, talented, funny, into Crossfit and Peloton, great cook, and silky smooth voice that soaks every pair of chonies in the room.
Yup. Classic nerd.
This new edgy Jacob came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and he’s down to three packs of Juicy Fruit and half a roll of Bubble Tape.
Okay, Your Majesty. If you know of a fast and inexpensive way to keep YOUR sex doll free of grit and grime, I'd love to hear it.
Seriously though, tell me. Mine's starting to smell like a Red Lobster mop bucket.
Personally, I can't stand the taste of McDonald's ,but I think that's because my mom used to beat me with a floppy red shoe.
"Hey there, roomie! What are you in for?"
"I killed six librarians and made a papasan chair out of their skin. You?"
"I played some illegally sourced video games."
"..."
"So, should I just tattoo your name across my ass now or...?
This new edgy Jacob just got his three month chip from Chocoholics Anonymous.
Back in 1999 we didn't have any of these disgusting misogynistic nude mods, so we just jacked off to the unlockable Dino Crisis costume. You know, like gentlemen.
This new edgy Jacob once pulled off a daring daytime bank robbery in which he walked away with over four hundred unmarked, nonsequential lollipops.
And to think, all those poor ghosts wanted was to reach them to discuss their car's extended warranty.
We’d like to state for the record that we take shrinkage EXTREMELY seriously. Especially, when it comes to our abuelitas.
Alright, come clean. Which one of you told Patrick to dress up like every girl who refused to bang me in high school?
"Ahm puttin' this whole fawkin' iceberg in my reahview!"
(High fives self. Waits patiently by door for Worlds Greatest YouTube Description Writer trophy to arrive in the mail)
I wish Twilight had come out when I was in high school. My more nuanced take on stalking and emotional abuse would've seemed much tamer by comparison.
I bet even with the hot sauce, Jacob somehow still tastes like orange blossoms, Nana's chocolate chip cookies, and your first kiss all rolled into one.
You think coins are bad? Try tipping strippers with autographed Funhaus t-shirts and see how quickly your neck meets the clammy, AXE-scented embrace of a bouncers forearm.
Red Blood Ryan would rather dip his balls in holy water than drink from any of you vaccinated beta sheeple!
Jacob's favorite sexual position is called "AT-AT Style". Thats where he runs around you in a circle, tangling your legs in rope til you trip, then finishes on your face.
My favorite game at Chuck E Cheese was jumping into the ball pit and trying to find the one that wasn't covered in ringworm.
"Mom, have you seen my black trench coat with all the safety pins on it? Why would would you throw it away?! I ripped it up like that on purpose! Ugh, I hate it here! You're ruining my life! I'm going to Jürgen's house."
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1859)
Jell-O shots are the perfect drink for someone who wants to get just a little bit drunk and a lot diabetic.
While every other "Body Swap" movie in the 80s had the kid creepily ALMOST sleep with an adult woman, only "Big" had the courage to DEFINITELY make that boy bang the frosty toy company executive lady. Thanks, cocaine.
I'll stop making jokes about how shitty cats are when you all stop pretending that they wouldn't slash your throat and nap in the puddle for one of those crystal goblets of wet food with the parsley on top.
Ancient rituals, filthy cramped living conditions, a love of popped collars, and problematic views on consent. It all adds up.
Someday the police are going to kick in the door to Jacob's basement and find two dozen naked bodies sprawled motionless on the floor. Not because he killed them, but because banged them so good they couldn't make it up the stairs.
Thanks to Back 4 Blood for sponsoring this video. Back 4 Blood is available on Xbox Game Pass on PC, console and cloud.
Jacob's new favorite sexual position is called The Tauntaun. That's when you crank up the AC, ride around on your partner's back until they collapse, then soak inside them until morning.
If you solve a Rubik's Cube at midnight, Jacob Fullerton will appear and introduce you to the excruciating delights of model building and getting to second base.
Got it. When traveling to the past DO NOT step on any butterflies for fear of altering the future, but DO shoot arrows into half of Rome and turn everything into gold for no reason.
Jacob's new favorite sexual position is called The Agent Cooper. That's when you have your partner put on a red suit and talk backwards while you finish yourself off onto a slice of pie.
What's the name of that kids game where you all line up to get picked for teams but nobody wants you even thought they'd be a man down so you just wait there as they all walk to the field and then you hide in that one tube slide that always has a puddle at the bottom and read Stargate SG-1 paperbacks by yourself again?
Video Game Mascots' Favorite Foods:
Sonic: Chili Dogs.
Bubsy: Chicken a la King.
Spyro: Vegan Burrito Bowl, no Cilantro (says it tastes like soap).
Banjo-Kazooie: Ambrosia Salad and CostCo Chicken Bakes, respectively.
Gex: P*ssy.
Ryan's memory palace is a double wide trailer full of old mannequin legs and notes written on crumpled Krystal Sackful boxes.
Jacob's new favorite sexual position is called The New Hope. That's when you let Frank McQuarrie give your partner the best bang of their life, but you take all the credit for four decades.
I never had braces when I was a kid. I was already a short, obese, swing dancer with a ponytail and bad skin. The orthodontist said if they were gonna give me braces they might as well save some money and buy me a length of rope and a rickety stool instead.
Every page of Wocket in My Pocket reads like somebody dared Dr. Seuss to come up with twenty-four pages of racial slurs in as many minutes.
In Ryan's defense, it is super annoying when the TSA make you remove the drawstring of your pants and the kleenex boxes you've been wearing since your shoes got caught in the gears of that tilt-a-whirl.
Don't feel bad for Ryan. This is the best meal he's had in a while that didn't involve being chased out of a realtor's open house.
How much longer until TikTok is only used by racists, people's aunts, and members of your mom's saucy, sassy, menopausal book club?
Uh oh. Edgy Jacob is back with a vengeance! Mothers, better lock up your model glue and non-canonical Star Wars paperbacks!
Jacob went this whole video without ever once saying "I have the high ground" and now I will never feel safe again.
