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HAPPY 25th ANNIVERSARY to ALIEN 3

Hell yeah, as of today, Alien 3 was unleashed onto the world exactly 25 years ago. Now unfortunately, audiences were not treated to the amazing assembly cut, which I've already strongly recommended, but nonetheless, David Fincher's first film was released into theaters with a largely mixed reaction. It wouldn't be until 2001 that a proper fully recut version of the movie would be released, which is now available on the Alien Anthology Blu-ray box set.

I'm not going to write a super long review for this one, as I'm burnt out after that Alien: Covenant four page angry rant, but I'll write just a little on why this is one of my favorite movies of all time.

A lot of people are very quick to dismiss this movie, as one the surface, they judge the critical plot point that happens in the first 5 minutes of the movie, in which Hicks and Newt from James Cameron's Aliens are unceremoniously killed off-screen with a word of dialogue or screen-time. I wonder if audience members just tuned out after that scene and refused to accept and enjoy the movie with such a "FUCK YOU!" moment like that so early on. I personally don't mind it, as it perfectly sets the depressing tone the movie goes for. Put those characters to rest, as they're not the focus of the Alien universe. Ripley is the focus of the franchise.

Just a brief synopsis, Ripley is the soul survivor of an escape pod crash as she lands on a distant prison planet, Fiorina "Fury" 161. She's rescued and put with the other prisoners, where they must soon join forces as they face off an alien loose in the lead refinery prison plant, which stoad aboard the crashed escape pod.

I love the thematic elements Fincher tries to go for, mostly stuff that only appears in the assembly cut. A lot of people have pointed out all the religious symbolism that vapors over the entire movie, in it's imagery and storyline. Ripley comes to the planet almost like a Jesus figure. In this bleak and terrible environment, a group of people who are criminals and rapists, the prison inmates have converted to a kind of Christian religion, but are thrown off when a temptation figure, a woman, arrives on the planet. They question their own religion and existence even further with the presence of an evil figure, the xenomorph. By the person Ripley is, she forgives and atones for their sins, and ultimate sacrifices herself at the end for the good of mankind, destroying the last alien and even forming the crucifix at the end as she throws herself in the lava.

But besides it's rather heavy use of themes, it's a perfect sequel to the masterpiece Alien. Because it's not an action movie, it has the chance to recapture the close encounters claustrophobic and chaotic attitude the finale the first movie originally had. It's an incredibly nightmarish experience, in mood and events. Ripley has had to witness everyone she's ever known be killed and hasn't gotten a break since the first film. Even at the end of Alien 3, when human Bishop lies to Ripley that he'll kill the xenomorph chestburster and she can go live a normal, she can tell through his words his dishonesty, and decides she's had enough with the horror and "bullshit" she's had to endure. It's not a pleasant movie by any means, but the dark and terrible nature of the story and atmosphere makes it a true horror movie. The music by Elliot Goldenthal is on the same level as James Horner's score for Aliens. It's hopeless attitude and Alien-like sound makes it a true work of art for a movie soundtrack.

I'll take a religious-heavy, brilliantly written, visually terrifying, and wonderfully executed horror downer any day. I love this kind of shit. The characters are all interesting, especially Morse, who has a wicked dark sense of humor. Ripley's character is brought to a final close, and I consider this movie to be the true finale to the Alien franchise, and it really works. Trying to bring her back in Resurrection just screamed cash-grab. This is a fantastic film. Yes, it's depressing as hell and it's not for everyone, but that's to be expected going into a HORROR movie. PLEASE give it a chance, watch past the opening scene. It's not meant to have a happy ending where it's all smiles. Ridley Scott should've followed this movie for Alien: Covenant.

This isn't war. It's a game

Absolutely go see it. Aaron Taylor-Johnson is so great in this movie. The entire run-time of this feature could be his Best Actor Winner clip show reel. His dramatic and enticing performance in this just blew me away. You feel the pain he feels as he's pinned down to a small brick wall, being forced to remove a bullet from his leg, watching his partner being pushed to the ground by sniper-point; it's a lot like Dunkirk, but without the music. No music plays the whole movie. Isaac, played by Johnson, and his partner, played by John Cena, are currently out investigating a pipeline in Iraq when things go from suspicious to a nightmare. Cena's character gets pinned down after being shot by an unidentified sniper named Juba. Isaac is forced to stay behind a wall to hide from the shooter that that has both of them pinned down. From there, the movie becomes one big chess game. The sniper wants to get information from Isaac by talking to him over his radio transmission. What he wants to do with that information, we don't know yet. I actually don't want to say that much, in fear of spoiling, but this movie engrossed me from beginning to end. I've never seen an hour and a half fly by that quickly. I wasn't bored at any moment during this. You're constantly on the edge of your seat questioning what's going. The pieces slowly become clearer as time goes on, and the sniper's motivations, I suppose, are what constitutes as the the "twist" ending. The reveal will make you have one of two reactions... or both. Flipping fantastic stuff. You start to like it the more you think about it. I only loved it even more as I thought about while driving home from the theater. The actors did an incredible job with the material they were given, it's not exactly the happiest movie you'll ever see, but it sucked me in so much. One of my favorite movies of 2017 so far.

There's not too much I can say about this movie.

Chris Pratt has his usual funny moments, Dave Bautista has some very laugh-out-loud bits, and Rocket:tm:, played by Bradley Cooper, is given much more screentime than I thought he would get.

Kurt Russel, however, steals the fucking show. I love his roles in other movies to death, so it was great just to see him at all. He had much more weight to the story than I thought he would, and I didn't expect him to turn out as the villain, so that was a nice surprise.

However, the story itself did get pretty dang predictable at points. Characters go here, seemingly good guy turns out to be the villain, they fight him, the end. It's childish writing, but it works well enough. If Kurt Russel wasn't playing the father of Starlord:tm:, my rating of this movie would go down quite a bit.

What saves the movie though, besides Russel, is the scale of the story and the way the humor is implemented. Rocket:tm: steals battery components from a race of people at the beginning of the movie. This isn't just a one-off joke, this actually affects the course of the story. That little joke actually isn't just a side-gag, but actually pushes the narrative. I like that kind of shit.

The "Awesome Mix Vol. 2" has some great new tracks. It was fun hearing Mr. Blue Sky play as the crew fights the octopus monster in the opening credits. Now all the Youtube videos for that song will be flooded with, "Yo, , anyone?!" However, it is good newer movies are exposing this generation to all kinds of good music. I used to hate how new movies have soundtracks filled with just songs, but now I get it.

Going back to my point a paragraph ago, the scale of the story surprised me. There was no super giant evil bad guy that needed to be stopped (Not really), there was no big army to take down the villain, this wasn't just a retread of :tm:. It was a story of Starlord:tm: finding out who his father was, not liking was he was doing, and taking him down. That's about it. There's like 3 locations the whole movie and it's all centered on just one plot point. I appreciated that. Seeing the crew just stay in one place and talk was a refreshing take on a "superhero" movie.

This one will be a hard movie for me to judge. I'm just going to have to voice whatever comes to my mind as I'm typing, because this was a very interesting and all-over-the-place kind of experience for me.

Alright, so basically, Percy Fawcett is a British officer commissioned to lead an expedition to find a hidden city in the middle of South America. You pretty much know what the movie is going to be like just based on that short description.

Charlie Hunnam does a great job playing a troubled husband who becomes gradually more obsessed with finding this city, but it's not like he goes insane as a result. Throughout the whole movie, he just wants to find it. It's not like he gets PTSD from exploring the jungle and it cripples his interactions with his family.

In fact, the final expedition has him voyaging off with his son, who actually pleaded to join him. There's a great scene in the middle where this oldest son, played by - 's Tom Holland, starts to chastise his father for abandoning his children and his wife, to which Percy slaps his son as he walks towards him. What makes the scene great is how realistic it is. Families have these kind of dramatic quarrels all the time, and it doesn't affect Percy and his son's interactions. This takes place before the son wants to join him on the expedition.

Robert Pattinson excellently plays Henry Costin, who voluntarily joins Percy after finding out about the expedition, revealing he has knowledge of the Amazonia. I didn't even recognize it was Pattinson until about halfway through the movie, but his acquaintanceship with Hunnam was very natural and likable.

Sienna Miller does a good job with the material she's given. I don't recall her having any giant dramatic moments, just her getting annoyed every now and then. They try to throw in some "feminist" message at one point in the movie, but it doesn't go anywhere and doesn't amount to anything. Still, she did a nice job with what she had.

I think the best way I would describe this movie to someone else is, "It's like if they took and and mixed them up as they please." It's a daring exploration movie that feels like it was made in the 90's. It's a period-piece movie that has the camera work and framing of a movie that was made with 1990's equipment. That sounds like a weird way of describing the visuals of the movie, but you'll see what I mean when you watch it.

Another weird point of the visual style that I kind of liked was the odd choice in the color palette. There are no pure whites anywhere in the movie. It was color corrected to have yellows in the white highs of the saturation. It gives the movie this dreamy feel, something I only started to really notice about towards the middle. Like, the clouds in the sky are fucking yellow. It's weird, but I like it.

The ending is very bold and a little sad, but it's based on a true story, so I can't expect them to have done something different. I'm not going to spoil it and I implore you to not look it up before-hand. Go see it without knowing.

I liked the movie a lot, it's always nice to see something fresh come out into theaters, and I definitely look forward to reviewing more of these kind of movies in the future. (Getting really sick of superhero movies, to be honest). I just think it needed to be tightened up a tiny bit in editing and needed a little better of a soundtrack. Otherwise, it was a great experience.

"I know you feel bad about the deer, but it's not your fault. Things die. That's part of life. It's bad to kill, but it's not bad to die."

"Souls don't die."

The smartest animated movie ever crafted and blessed onto movie-goers. Brad Bird delivers the magnum opus of his career and he hasn't topped it since. He blew his creative load out into his first feature and it really shows. The meaning of life, the uselessness of war, death, fear-mongering, and parting of a loved one are all topics tackled wonderfully in this seemingly "made for kids" movie. Who knew a movie like this would be able to talk about 50's war propaganda in such a revealing and hard-hitting way that most movies wish they could dream of doing?

But on top of it's extremely mature themes, it's a fun adventure comedy movie for people of any age. Hogarth Hughes is an instantly lovable boy who just wants a friend, and eventually gets one who happens to be a 50-foot giant robot. Dean McCoppin is a junkyard owner who gave us one of the best memes on the internet, and Kent Mansley manages to deliver some amazing gags in-between his war-mongering freakout moments.

I love the setting the concept artists chose. The 50's look isn't just for aesthetic, as it does serve the time period to hit home the anti-war message, but it's just as fun to look at as ever. The Duck-And-Cover nuclear bomb classroom video, the classic diner with all the waitresses in dresses, the cheesy black-and-white horror movies playing late at night, etc. etc. It's such a fun movie to look at, just for the time period it's set in.

The Giant, I don't even need to elaborate on. Everyone's already written 20 page essays on why he's the greatest silent character ever animated, but I'll just repeat it in a sentence. You cry for a giant metal robot who only says a few words the whole movie.

It's a brilliantly crafted and gorgeous movie that actually manages to make adults cry at 2D drawings. The best written and animated movie ever made.

Eh, I've definitely seen worse films, especially in the horror genre, which is fucking littered with trash. John Carpenter has the bar set for him so high because of what he's done in the past. The Thing, Halloween, and They Live were revolutionary genre masterpieces. So, I can understand how it would be hard to not look at Carpenter with high expectations, especially for a horror film from him, the madman himself.

It's definitely not anything great or anything, and it's not terrible. It's just painfully average, which is it's biggest problem. I like movies that are either entertaining as fuck and very good, cinematic masterpieces, or movies that are so bad, they're funny. There's nothing in the middle for me. If you're movie is average, it's a damn shame. I'd rather laugh at a bad movie than be bored. I want to either be impressed, or entertained, not checking my phone's clock, which happened quite a bit throughout the middle of this.

It feels like a made-for-TV movie made by no-name director, it's that bland. There are some okay performances scattered throughout, and I admit, the twist did get me a little bit, but it's nothing that would shock the hell out of me, like 'Sinister' or 'Drag Me To Hell' did. So, everyone the girl knew was just a made-up personality trait of hers. Big-whoop. I'd rather go watch 'Psycho', at least it offered something to enhance the genre it's in. 'The Ward' is a horror movie that wants to be other, better, and more successful horror movies that came out when John Carpenter wasn't doing horror movies. I could name so many things from this movie that it does, that I've seen other movies do much better.

I didn't realize who directed the movie until after I watched it, and when I found out, I was a little disappointed. I'm not going to say John Carpenter has lost his mind or anything, unlike Ridley Scott, but Carpenter, is old and he made a bland, generic movie. Nothing I'd get too upset over, just disappointed.

I do enjoy this one to a certain extent, especially the design of the wasteland (I even had the art book when it came out) but story-wise, this movie does nothing for me. It's trying too hard to be Mad Max with Terminators, but it doesn't really work. I feel that part of the problem is that the main character Marcus, played by Sam Worthington, is spoiled to us in the trailer that he is actually a terminator when he is found in the 2018 present day war. It would've been a cool twist if the audience found out half-way through the movie that he was one, but NOPE. The same problem happened with Genisys. Give away the big twist right in the fucking trailer.

It needs work with character development. Marcus has the potential to be an interesting anti-hero, one that struggles with living reality as a Terminator, but he doesn't amount to much. We're told his backstory and... he can sometimes but kind to others... and... uh... yeah, I don't even know. I like the scene where Moon Bloodgood is lying her head on Worthington's chest and she says he has a strong heart. It's a clever double entendre. He has a strong heart because he's a Terminator and he has good in him.

Again, the action scenes are great and I love the set design. Probably the best (and only) Terminator war film we're going to get. If the script was reworked and Marcus had better character motives, this would be rated much higher.

Final note, this was the movie that introduced me to Anton Yelchin. May he rest in peace.

I got the chance to see the film again, this time without the muddy 3D. Boy, oh boy, did removing the 3D glasses make this movie better. I guess the glasses darkened the picture, because now, in standard 2D, the colors popped even more this time.

Anyways, I still really enjoyed this film. I got the chance to purchase the art book and read through the production. Matt Damon got really involved with the project, spending over 6 months in China to get this dream made into a reality. Quite an interesting read, I recommend picking it up. Lots of gorgeous artwork in it too.

As for this film, this time, I was actually able to focus on the story and dialogue a little bit more this time. The first viewing I was little bit more focused on the visuals. I admit, the script should've gone through just one more rewrite. That, or the film needed an extra 10 minutes added. Some scenes feel a little too short, and the funeral sequence came a little too early with not enough build-up to it. It kind of feels like the studio forced the filmmakers to trim the movie down to less than 2 hours, which I think is a mistake. I was a little more satisfied with the ending this time, but I still wish it was longer.

That's the only thing I can really complain about this movie: I wish it was a longer. I guess that's a good thing, that I want more of it, but that's also a negative. I think if it was a tad longer and some scenes were a little more fleshed out, this could be a GREAT film, and not just VERY GOOD.

I still really liked it and I think it is underrated. If you still haven't seen it, I recommend checking it out. Be sure to read my original review for more on the film.

As a kaiju monster movie from the studio themselves, Toho Productions, it's a freaking blast.

As an adaptation of the original manga, it's complete bullshit.

With that out of the way, it's a guilty pleasure for me. Since I'm such a geek for monster films, I loved that the titans in this movie were all portrayed with puppets and men in suits. It was like watching a silly Godzilla movie from the 60's, with Eren as a titan jumping in the air and drop-kicking another titan in the face. It's super ridiculous and over-the-top, but it can be really enjoyable if you like that sort of thing.

The story does crawl a bit during the middle, but enough twists are presented to keep you interested. This is not a well-done adaptation. Hell, this isn't really a great story on it's own right. It's a cheesy silly monster movie with barely fleshed out characters.

The music by Shiro Sagisu is also just as a great as he always is. It sounds a little derivative of Evangelion 3.0 at times, but 'Temper The Wind' is easily the best track on the whole album. I'd argue the score is better than the movie.

Oh, how the might hath fallen.

There isn't anything I can say that hasn't been stretched out to a two hour YouTube analysis video, but the state of Star Wars is depressing to say the least, and Disney knows it. The High Republic project they just announced is a direct response to the fans' disdain for this entire sequel trilogy and it's disrespect to the last six films. You have grade-A talent on display, in front and behind the camera, and the result is a two film story squished in to two hours, strung together with some of the most headache inducing pacing I've seen in a major studio film. Ian is wasted as the great Emperor Palpatine, John has no arcs as Finn, Daisy has the same expression she's had in the last two films, stonefaced and Pennywise, and Oscar Isaac wished they killed his character off in the first film so he wouldn't have to do the next two. The only thing I can feel during the final scene at Luke's old home on Tatooine is heartbreak. Hearing John Williams' brilliant last score for the series (and probably just a few years before he dies, he's so old), but coupled with the imagery of Rey taking the spot for herself feels so unearned and lost potential. Had our main lead been written with so much more thought and consistency, it could be a real heart tugger like it's meant to by, but all it does for me is remind me how the series has been ruined in just five short years. It's never explained who made the Sith wayfinders, who made the dagger, why they made the dagger, why they made it the way they did, who are the Knights of Ren, how did Palpatine come back, is he a clone, or is he the original version, how did he have all the resources to make like a thousand Star Destroyers (all with planet killing weapons), who are his faithful followers, what happened to the Republic that was destroyed in The Force Awakens, how did Han come back (was that really a memory or a vision, because it's never revealed Han could have force powers), why can force ghosts interact with the physical world, when did force healing become a thing, why is the Holdo maneuver one in a million, and so on. The film is a complete disaster when it comes to the writing, because it's very evident the film is a collection of twenty or so re-edits all with clashing ideas, in some desperate vein to get fans back on board after the abysmal The Last Jedi. But instead of digging themselves out of the coffin, they put the final nail in.

All the people talking about race and whatever bullshit with Peele's films kind of sour me on the projects. It's reminding me of Hideaki Anno and the collective analysis that happened with Evangelion. People trying to find this grandeur meaning behind the imagery used in the film, when the mundane reality could just be Peele is making more cliché horror, albeit with a more careful and artistic lens. Everyone labeled Get Out as this masterpiece of screenwriting that's a commentary on whites using blacks for their own gain, and that's not to say those themes aren't present, that doesn't mean it makes the film's formulaic storytelling a step above or revolutionary, or dare I say it, "brave." Peele's previous felt very much like a typical Blumhouse horror movie, but because some notes about his views of race where used as a piece of the storytelling, the critical circles lavished it with, in my opinion, unwarranted praise. It was a standard family horror fair, if you've ever watched horror, you can pick out the set pieces and notes from a mile away, I know I did, but oh, now critics will pay attention to horror because it has some undertone "messages" about race relations. Just because you have those themes does not automatically elevate your film above others, and that's the sad narrative surrounding Peele's otherwise decent movies.

I've enjoyed both of his films so far, and Us I actually enjoyed even more. It's a neat little film that has much more in the way of set ups and pay offs. This is a better constructed screenplay. Every beat and cue comes back to finish off it's arc with amusing grandiose. The hands across America commercial, use of handcuffs, the flare gun line (which comes back in the form of a weapon), and little pieces in the dialogue like, "Doesn't anyone care about the apocalypse?" there's quite a jam packed screenplay in the first and third act. I think it's the second act things get a little too padded out. It's entertaining with some almost hilarious displays, like the neighbor (on her last breath) telling the device to call the police, but it turns on Fuck the police the song instead. There's a surprising amount of humor in here, some working better than others. The family is likable enough, but isn't developed much outside their ambiguous goals, like the daughter conveniently was on the track team, and she's the one who's told to run. The characters serve the plot for the majority of the run time, it's not about them, it's what happens to them and their clones. If you just want action, there's lots of it in the second part, like I was saying, it just gets too long with seemingly not much purpose, upon which is gets exhausting. The third act comes around to finish off the story (and show off the facility underground I called) that was set up and kind of forgotten about, in a nice little bow that's not as clever as any of Shyamalam's twists, but at least brings everything full circle. Maybe everything was a little too predictable. My family guessed the mother was actually switched around in the Merlin's Forest like a half hour before it was revealed. I think this is a case of a script, and I know, who am I to judge Peele, but everything was in place here, I just wanted more a reason to care. I don't really know anything about this family or why I should care about them. The mother is coming to terms with her fear and really, the fact she stole her way in to what she wanted, so there's some nice conflict there. The daughter is mostly a reclusive young girl that sticks to her headphones, the boy likes to wear masks and is also a bit reclusive and weird, and the dad is... well, dad. I enjoyed it enough, but nothing that sets much apart from other things like it. Just some nice camera work (the telephoto shot of the clone boy walking backward in to the fire was a real treat) and editing that kept me engaged. Probably won't rewatch it soon.

initial impressions incoming

Just like the characters in the film repeatedly like to chant in gleeful unison: Everything is not awesome. Coming from someone who had a deep admiration for the first film way back five years ago, because of it's inventive storytelling, quotable dialogue, and surprisingly lovable brick characters, I was given the impression the follow up would match or come close to capturing that lightning in a bottle the first had. However, about fifty minutes in, I realized this film straight up barred in to awful realms. This film is now proof that having an inventive style doesn't mean anything if not for the characters. Oh sure, the presentation here is top notch, as is expected from Phil Lord and Chris Miller's other work, I'm looking at you Spider-Verse, but unless you can enrich my experience with some amazing action to fill that void, or characters that I can at least follow through the dreck, there won't be anything to chew on. The Lego Movie 2 suffers from extreme sequelitis, much in the same vein as Incredibles 2, where in order for a sequel to justify it's existence, characters have to take steps back in their development, arcs have to be completely disregarded that way the sequel can essentially remake it's predecessor to keep that tone and flavor audiences liked about the previous installment. This has only worked a handful of times on some films I find guilty pleasures, but rarely does this tactic pay off. It comes off like you're watching a shittier version of something you liked. Trust me, they try to redo that ingenious human connection that the first's twist gave us, but it's almost overdone to an annoying extent and doesn't have any of the impact the first had, where the LEGO story was revealed as one big parallel to the boy's real life relationship with his father. Doing that again, offers nothing new. Now that little kid has to overcome his sibling rivalry with his sister, as the two bicker over who should have control over the lego's, and at a few moments, you feel like it'll work, but just comes across stale and almost like a television continuation. This doesn't have the grand, epic scope of the first, instead opting for something more personal, that oddly, doesn't explore the characters it's attempting to deconstruct. It acts as a self reflection of Emmett and his relationship with himself, and in turn, affects his interactions with his sister. Something much more ambitious could've been done here, but it feels like half a script is missing and a ton of filler is thrown in instead, like the cringe inducing musical numbers. I wouldn't recommend checking this out, which is a shame, and my expectations weren't high.

This movie suffers from a little problem. It doesn't know if it wants to go balls to the wall horror with the violence and show graphic imagery, or be tame enough so those just getting into horror can be comfortable. I would say it goes for the Carpenter angle and tries to play a mystique towards it's killer. Hell Fest's greatest claim to it's name is it's location. You'd think because it's just a shitty little movie, the sets and costuming would be lame, but it's the opposite. This place almost puts Halloween Horror Nights to shame. It's so elaborate and unrealistically over the top, there are definitely some park regulation violations. The costumes are so grotesque; dripping liquid and touching visitors as they walk down the paths. I find it hard to believe this is a traveling amusement park, some of the rides are built into like the wooden bridges of the park. I don't see how they could pack all this stuff up. But if the nitpick part of your brain can ignore the limitations of reality, it's beautiful to look at. The park is beaming with lights, decorations, stage shows, and set pieces. It's probably the most detailed amusement park I've seen on film. The movie's other greatest claim to fame is it's clever idea, sticking an actual killer into this horror themed park. You'd never know who was the guy because he blends into all the scenery and actors. The mask he wears is even a park issued prop for the actors. He can just walk up and kill someone and no one would know it's for real, or even creepier, the guests would laugh it off. There's some real great shit going on with this premise and they take advantage of it multiple times. On this stage, the main character's ditzy friend is participating in a sacrificing act where she'll be put in a guillotine, but it's revealed the guy performing it is the killer that's been stalking them all night. The way the scene slows down as the lead tries to warn the guards about what's about to happen, it actually puts you on edge. You wonder will the man kill her right on stage in front of the audience, or fool the lead as part of the act. It's a great moment. The biggest issue I have with the movie comes down to parts of it's script. There are too many scenes where the killer stalks them like in the bathroom or the back alleys of the park, away from the crowds of guests. They fell into the trap of doing the "character isolated from the group" dreck. The whole gimmick is the guy can kill anyone in plain sight, and they only do it a few times. Killing the lead's boyfriend in the employee locker room sucks. Why couldn't he do it right in her face and make it seem like part of a performance? And, aside from our head girl and her surprisingly likable boyfriend, the rest of the friends are just eccentric party goers, but luckily, the way scenes are paced still makes you care who's going to die, which I can happily say about this over many other generic slashers. The only other obvious glaring issue is the last half hour, which is an overly long chase through a couple of the haunted houses. It's a fun sequence for like five minutes, but then well overstays it's welcome. If someone could just edit it down, and then put in some alternate scenes with more murders in plain sight of the crowds of visitors, this could easily be one of my favorites of the year. But as now, it's just a fun little time.

It's odd, I write longer reviews for movies I don't like, but rarely for ones I love. I guess it's hard for me to express the feelings I get from watching a truly great work of art without sounding like I'm full of myself. Night is Short, Walk on Girl came out early last year, but I just caught it for the GKids fathom events in the theatre. Seeing Masaaki Yuasa's mug on screen for the after credits interview is an image I'll never forget. This Science Saru masterpiece deals with a lot of themes; the ever increasing passage of time that seems to go faster as you age, the dangers but also carefree excitement of adult life, love at first sight, etc. It's one of the craziest, but also extremely heartfelt journeys that I think a lot of us have felt in our lives at least once. Going back to American Graffiti or even Ferris Bueller, doing everything you see in sight to take advantage of the moment, because you have to leave and grow up. It's that crazy prom night you look back on with fond memories, remembering all the stuff you did, wanting to recapture that magic. Yuasa's fluid style really lends itself to this fast paced narrative, moreso than Lu Over The Wall, and the use of physical renderings to emulate emotions, like a court room scene symbolizing a conflict of emotions that's happening in a head, and flowers blooming from the stomach to capture that bubbly feeling you can get from drinking. It's hard to pick on scene I love the most, it's all so memorable, like one night, the entire journey is the best moment. The girl with black hair, mirroring her counterpart from The Tatami Galaxy, is just on a quest to become an adult, so she goes across town to different bars just drinking and meeting all these odd assortment of people. Each of them have their own strange romantic stories they're still a part in, and little does the girl know, she's in one too. The first three fourths of the movie is just a wild, crazy, silly extravaganza across the city, but the last half hour takes a more restrained tone as the girl starts to visit people who have gotten colds, laying in their beds, each of who's story has found some kind of end. Seeing the girl mature throughout the story is one of the greatest experiences I've seen on screen, and it's surprisingly funny too. If you're in the mood for just some crazy animation, but a story with all of life in it, you may want to pop it up, by chance.

I had to see it twice to confirm if I was crazy that I enjoyed this conventional safe corporate product. and to see Statham naked again, i ain't gay You all know what this is and what to expect from it. Just look at the poster and the title. The bar for quality has been set right there. But does that make experience inherently not worth bothering with? Would you be satisfied putting your money down for it? I can argue I got my money's worth, even if some of the blood and gore was neutered to reach a PG-13 and Chinese market. A shame uncut and more grotesque scenes were filmed, but will never be completed due to money. Despite it's lack of Piranha 3D ludicrous blood shed, there is a lot of action and spectacle to be had with The Meg. The plot is nothing more inventive than what The Asylum and syfy would greenlit, I've never read the novel, so I can't speak for the consistency. What bolsters the script up from it's depths of potential obscurity, is it's high budget crowd pleasing intuition. Lots of emphasis on quips, something I'm usually against, but luckily are implemented smoothly into each character. Not everyone is a damn comedian, it just feels more natural, only once did I feel the placement of a joke was unneeded. This is like what you'd expect from an old 70's exploitation flick, Statham is like the classic adventure hero; even one scene, he lifts his hat up like Indiana Jones. After a traumatizing incident in which he's forced to leave behind a group of people to save another set, he quits diving and retires to Thailand. But when an ocean trench expedition involving his ex-wife goes wrong, he's persuaded to come back in and help. The first half of the film is like Deep Blue Sea, setting up the locations in characters; it's more of a rescue set-up for the megalodon to come in later. It's not like the story of Gareth Edwards' Godzilla, how Godzilla's origins are deeply intertwined into the narrative. This, you could replace the shark with any deep sea creature, it doesn't matter too much, except for the finale. Once the titular monster comes on screen, the movie officially begins. From there, you get the dumb fun you want, and there's a good amount of it. Want to see the shark swallow a diving cage whole? Sure, why not? Anything you want to see the shark do, it's in here somewhere. It's like Rampage in the sense it understands you just want dumb fun. I can respect a blockbuster that doesn't aim for quality, just looking to give you loads of delicious flavorful eye candy. What makes something like this work over another "dumb fun" blockbuster like Pacific Rim: Uprising, comes down to two things: The Meg isn't a sequel with expectations to be lived up to, and there's a competent story, start to finish. While it's not original, could be to blame that the novel is old, it works enough. The characters make up for any tiny lack of shark presence. If we can get more Asian actors in front of the camera like this, by all means, go for it. I'm just a sucker for the Asian aesthetic, see, this whole movie takes place in China and stars one of the country's biggest stars, so you can see why it's doing so great at the box office. This is how you do a silly summer cheese fest, it's not too over the top, it understands you want to see the shark, it has a classic story behind it, and places emphasis on the leads being at least entertaining to latch onto. Did any of you notice the nod to Jaws at the end? When the Meg sinks to the bottom of the ocean, it makes the same growling sound the blown up shark in Jaws did. Trivial knowledge for the hardcore fans out there.

I watched this again, with my father, in preparation to see The Meg, 'cause I was worried hearing reports the upcoming film was neutered of it's blood soaked glory. I wanted to compensate any blue balls I thought I would have by first drowning myself in wild girls tits and ripped apart penises before inevitable disappointment. I think Piranha loses some of it's enjoyment on repeat viewings, but there's enough over the top fun and classic b-movie antics to keep all horror fans satisfied. It's crazy to see such a crass and low brow endeavor like this film get critical acclaim from critics. The effects aren't the greatest, the story is childish, but the greatest attribute it boasts I proudly agree with is it doesn't hold back. This is a clear cut modern example of not taking yourself seriously, just having fun with your premise. You want to see an entire lake of spring breakers get ripped to fucking shreds with blood and gore everywhere? You will most definitely get it and more. You want to see Christopher Lloyd briefly reprise his role as Doc Brown raving about the piranhas? You got it. Want to see Eli Roth get his head cut off? You bet your ass you'll get it. Want Adam Scott to shoot piranhas with a shotgun while riding a jet ski? It's here, baby. How about tearing the shit out of them with a boat propeller detached like a chainsaw? I'll stop spoiling the fun. It's a crazy match made in heaven, few "don't take yourself seriously" films like Sharknado hit that very specific sweet spot that makes the film fun as hell to watch, but not in a laughing at it bad way. Piranha 3D is the very rare gore fest that knows how to have loads of genuine summer fun; a return to 80's exploitation.

Everyone needs this film in their life. I cried. No, really, I did. I can't believe it myself. Disney's put out both one of the worst films in their catalogue, and now one of the best in the same year. Three years ago, I was chastising Disney for even conceptualizing a live action Winnie The Pooh, screaming lack of a creative vision and banking off the tired nostalgia of a once great little franchise. I haven't held Disney in the highest regard at all in recent years, criticizing many of their decisions and downright refusing to visit their theme parks or stores. Now, I'm not going to come at you with some bullshit Stuckmann comment, "I grew up with Winnie The Pooh," even though I did, Christopher Robin succeeds entirely on it's own and can be loved by people of all ages. I rack on movies for their structural problems, sometimes ignoring the feeling I'm supposed to be having from the viewing experience, but films like this remind me how emotion can overcome any kind of little technical problem, if it's done well. This is the Disney I miss. I'm so tired of the corporate sell out manipulating monster that is the nu-Disney machine, but it seems every couple of years, Disney puts out a film that reminds me why I loved old Disney, the one Walt Disney created. Meet The Robinsons, Up, Saving Mr. Banks, Tomorrowland, and now Christopher Robin all have something in common. There's messages about growing up, remembering to keep moving forward, not letting such menial things get in the way of what's really important, and so on. What I really love what Marc Foster did was put some class and taste into this. This treats the original Hundred Acre Woods story with real respect, not just the original animated film, but the books and illustrations. This has one of the most perfect openings to any movie, implementing the book drawings into the new live action material. Showing Christopher leave, in a scene replicated from the original movie, and then show his life growing up, and even going off to war and leaving his wife behind, started to get to me. It's very tastefully done and doesn't come across as cheesy or childish. One bit of the montage that stuck out, was I think Pooh blows out a candle on a cake, and it cuts to an explosion in a battle Christopher's in. The whole thing was excellently done. Ewan McGregor makes for a fantastic character, we really don't deserve him. His character means so well for the world, but because of the burdens of reality and his job, unfortunately has to put on hold the things that he holds so dear, even going so far as to snap at Pooh in frustration. The dark and gloomy look of the woods built on the heavy tone of the scene, it was nearly heartbreaking to watch. When the two reconciled, at their thinking place, I had tears on my face. Such an innocent little bear, with no clue of the harshness of the outside world, nearly getting hit in the face with it, while simultaneously reminding Christopher of the carelessness of being a child, was both so endearing and so sad at the same time. The movie gradually turns into a silly adventure movie at the second half, but it doesn't lose it's emotional grip, in fact, it carries it proudly on it's shoulders. I don't want to spoil anything more, but any scene with McGregor talking one on one with either his family or Pooh, will put you on the edge of tears. I love the setting of war-era London, and you very quickly get accustomed to the realistic look of the Hundred Acre Woods. Disney, I know I hate you and I know I rag on you, but let me just say thank you for putting this movie out. It makes me ashamed of my fellow movie fans this movie isn't doing well at the box office or even that fantastic critically, but this is the best movie you have released in a while. It doesn't even feel like a nu-Disney movie, this is a true return to form and boy, man, I really wish they would stick with this. It's so pure and full of genuine heart. I hope people look back on this with a fondness and as a classic. Just great shit, silly old bear...

It doesn’t take long to recognize that “Mission: Impossible — Fallout” is a good movie. Very good; nonstop exhilaration, incredible stunts, fluid camera movement complimented by the editing, goofy plot twists that work despite their conventionality, and all the character leads. This sounds like a negative, it's not, the best way to describe the experience is like watching a Saturday morning cartoon. Tom Cruise coupled with his lovable team up against the new villain is the groundwork for many children's television episodes. But, Of course, they take it up a bunch of notches, crafting an engaging, and thankfully classy blockbuster that is above many other wretched releases as of late. Never did I feel cheated or talked down to, it hearkens back to the noir films of the 30's (that meet-up at the beginning is a direct take on the gangster genre) while plucking the set pieces right out of classic James Bond. But Christopher McQuarrie shits all over them; he's making a name for delivering breath stopping action sequences, the helicopter finale shot in IMAX left my mouth hanging time to time. The sixth film in a surprise hit franchise is still improving upon itself, and Cruise still willing to do ridiculous stunts at the tender age of 56. I guess Scientology gives you superpowers, sign me up. He makes us all forget he was in The Mummy, and Rebecca Ferguson gets her career back on track after the sleeper "hit" The Snowman. A few last comments, I'm glad they kept the shot in where Cruise limps as he gets up on the building, he actually broke his foot filming that scene, that's why. It's funny, Tom just played Barry Seal in American Made, an expert pilot who transported in a drug cartel. Now in this, he can barely work a helicopter. Henry Cavil put up a damn good fight, that mustache took out an entire film franchise. I say worth it, that's a sick stache. I'm just glad the action was zany enough to marry with it's silly story. This was the right balance of everything. The dialogue is intense, which keeps the audience on their toes, giving the impression of being nonstop. You get your moneys worth.

I mean, it's better than whatever the Dark Universe is doing. Shit, I saw this a couple days ago at my awesome local AMC, but I forgot to log it. The film doesn't have as much staying power as I would like, kind of shame, 'cause I really dig cute animated features, and the horror genre. This is a child friendly mix of both, but it's only stand out qualities it has to show for is Genndy's expressive animation, and I mean wacky as fuck stuff, and it's line up of Transylvanian monsters. So call me biased for giving this an above average rating, but it's presentation is what I got a high off. Also, that godforsaken airplane Gremlins bit, oh my god I want more of that. I mean, if you're just looking for a safe time at the theater on a like a discount day, this is the perfect option. Your gelatinous offspring will eat it up, you will like the monsters and action, and the theater gets money. Everyone wins. When I say safe, this is the highest average you can get. Main character wants a girlfriend, crew goes on vacation, lead meets a pretty lady, hijinks ensue, and some "surprise" reveals. You know the entire plot start to finish just by watching the trailer. I wish Tartakovsky was allowed to take risks, or allowed to make his Popeye movie that was shamefully scrapped in service of making The Emoji Movie, because the dude has talent. He created Samurai Jack and Dexter's Labratory. He has a key eye for fluid and unrealistic movement that lends itself to eye candy entertainment. The fact he's stuck at Sony making borderline criminally safe movies like Summer Vacation is sad. I was amused with what I got here, it's fine, but that's it.

Hereditary has a lot going for it. Toni Collette steals the Oscar win halfway into the year, Ari Aster writes a well thought out script at the tender age of 31, and A24 gets to keep repackaging the same movie with the same misleading trailer. Many are going at this movie as a resurgence of the horror genre, everyone complaining about the overuse of "cheap" jumpscares in more mainstream filth, but this being an unprecedented achievement? It is not. That doesn't mean it's bad, or even overpraised. I can see why people will fawn all over this. It's a tightly built, marvelously crafted family drama, filled to the brim with emotionally petrifying moments. It's always the worst kind of feeling you get when you can relate to unpleasant scenario in film (or any medium), but hearing and seeing Collette scream got to my head. Not sure what happened to Aster in his short life where he was able to capture a shouting match so accurately, but I feel you, man. I would rather not say much more, because bringing up any details could delude the twist and mystery. Simply put, if you want a more intense version of The Witch, it parallels a lot, right down to some select story beats. However, unlike the historical and somewhat fable feeling of the latter, Hereditary feels very grounded in the real world of today, sometimes to an unnerving extent. There are grotesque moments, but the bits here that stick with you rely on the characters' actions. When Peter Graham is laying down in bed and he's just waiting for his mom to discover the corpse, then hear her blood curdling screams, that's something that will stick with me. Annie pleading to her husband over and over to burn the book is a performance I won't shake off. I've seen this story done before, and better at that. I think my bigger issue with the movie isn't any of the technical stuff, everything presented is visually stunning, I just don't think I was as impressed as I should've been.

Updated to read more coherently

Well, that was a whole lot of nothing. If you're new and reading this, I think I should lay down my opinions on the Star Wars franchise. I have a lot of nostalgia for the original trilogy, I unironically enjoy The Phantom Menace, genuinely love Revenge of the Sith, and currently dislike the direction Disney is taking the series with Episode VII and VIII. Rogue One is the only new film put out that I liked, attributed primarily to Gareth Edwards' vision for that particular story. The saga has a special place in the back of my heart, but I'm not a blind fanboy. I recognize when something is poorly done, or in Solo's case, having no reason to exist. It's amazing a pop culture icon as big as this has sunken into bargain bin or Netflix territories of inconsequential narratives. Aside from a couple winks and clever callbacks to aforementioned, and soon to be coming up, events in future and past films, there's no consequences in the story and nothing seems to matter. We have a stagnant and poor actor playing alongside Emilia Clarke in a bad school play of Bonnie & Clyde while doing shit that doesn't make sense, other than that it needs to happen to satisfy callbacks in future installments. And what's a shame, is there was potential here. Maybe Gareth Edwards' hands being dug into this universe indirectly influenced the design in a way, but seeing Han fight as a soldier in the beginning was an interesting route to explore. I liked some of the dialogue, a bit of it feeling much more natural than what's been going on in other quip filled biggies. Ron Howard does a decent job, I'm a fan of his work, and his direction is unique and hands on. Unfortunately, his flavor doesn't seem to appear much. Once more, a committee and a yes man cobbled this up, Howard seemingly compromising his style for simple "wow" moments. But overall, it is competent. I wonder how much of this is Lord and Miller way back from what they shot. I wish there was more of Howard, his look just seemed scattered throughout. There's a moment at the end where Emilia is looking out the window at Han, and, it was a small gesture, but the cinematography combined with Powell's music made for a surprisingly memorable moment. It had a raw quality and felt like... a movie, specifically reminiscent of a 60's drama. But it was just another little nugget in a space of nothing. I liked the idea of showing the storm troopers as actually threatening, pushing civilians around, it felt right. The scene of Han and Kira getting separated between the bars works, there's attempt at character building. But around after the opening on Carillion, the arc kind of stagnates. Everything interesting happens in the first twenty minutes. They may have played all their cards out too early, but just, I don't know. Once they arrived on the ice planet for their first heist, I became so disinterested, and anything kind of established early wasn't considered for bringing back up later in the story (aside from the dice). Arcs weren't considered, things just... happened. Scenes just happened. The most satisfaction I found were just a few shining pieces of competent film making, like the spectacular storm chase with the Falcon, but they're thrown in service of a story with characters as wasted as Rose Tico. Woody Harrelson is wasted in this shit, his only purpose is to teach Han to never trust anyone, which doesn't even really seem to affect Han anyways. He buddies up with Chewbacca at the end regardless, so Harrelson's arc ends with no impact. His girlfriend dies during the first heist, and everyone forgets about it so quick. When droid asked for equal rights, I swear I was ready to walk out. Yes, Star Wars has always been political, but the stories themselves have underlying subtle political echoes. This was just a lazy call out to current year politics, and screamed lazy writing. As for the lack of any tension, it doesn't have anything to do with me knowing none of these characters will die, because this is a prequel, but this doesn't tell me anything I care to know. Oh yeah, I'm so worried the annoying female droid is going to die. It's more useless than the C3P0 and R2-D2 meeting in Episode I. So, Darth Maul is back miraculously. Cool. What does that add to this story? How does it develop the characters anything beyond fan service tripe? Why does it matter? Why does anything that go on in this movie matter? Stuff just happens. Think about it. Take away the brand for a second and think about the events that happen here. I don't know who's saying it, but Donald Glover is passable at best as Lando. So, he smiles a few times and says some snappy things at a card game. That's not a character. Han Solo is not developed anymore than he was in the originals. His character doesn't really evolve or learn any lessons. After the opening, he's reduced to standing around really awkwardly and repeat how much of a great pilot he is. They were just hitting the beats at the right moments and hoping it was entertaining enough so you wouldn't hate sitting through it. The villain is one of the most useless, throw away, gangster cartel dealing baddies you've ever seen. I've seriously already forgotten his name. You know, I go to movies to be enriched. To either be gleefully entertained through worthwhile action that carries meaning, learn valuable life lessons, and to think. I don't go to be numb for two hours as recognizable flashy colors simply blast on a big screen. And like I have to repeat, I don't preach this to be pretentious, these are my feelings. I'm done getting peer pressured into seeing all these big movies I have no interest in, a lot of which leave me feeling empty, rather than quenched. I'm done giving Star Wars a chance. My highest compliment to Howard is, I didn't hate this. It didn't destroy the legacy and reputation like The Last Jedi. I'm just disappointed. Rogue One was the lucky strike in the losing ball game.

CW: Christianity, Atheism, white males, a retarded plot

Do I even need to say anything? It's God's Я Us 3: A Light in Bankruptcy. Pure Flix, by some miracle of God, has managed to assemble a cinematic universe out of this fecal matter, just like Universal Studios and Focus was able to splurge out three Fifty Shades movies. I'm committing review sin by comparing two unrelatable franchises, but the parallels apply. I must ask, who is going to these to make them profitable? Suckers like me who want to watch some unintentional trash? Authentic Christian audiences who view these as important films? I would love to have a discourse with someone who honestly enjoys a broken wreck of a movie like this. Everyone can have their own taste, I welcome all perspectives, but it makes you curious. I admit, seeing Shane Harper's silly mug back again made me ironically geek out. It was the equivalent of a seeing a side-character cameo back in a Marvel product. All enjoyment is purely found in the accidental humor and structural problems. When a focal dramatic moment has met me laughing at it's scrambled pacing and distracting inadequate digital effects, you've failed at telling whatever story you were trying to. There's a sampling of laughably edgy conversation too, one where domestic abuse is brought up and another the Mandela effect being used to interpret Jesus may exist. It's too bad, Christianity could be so metal if shown on the big-screen with reverence. Pure Flix, you have money, make a badass action movie (that's not Samson), put some Bruce Campbell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Dwayne Johnson in there, and you got me there opening day. Throw heavy rock in and hardcore Bible verses for maximum flavor. For now, we still have Ben Hur, The Ten Commandments, and any Mel Gibson movie, so I guess we're good.

I don't even want to write anything. This movie makes me angry. Even with the mind-set going in that this is cheesy non-sense meant to please the brain-dead movie-going public, it fails to generate any sense that it understands what it wants to be and it's responsibility to respect it's predecessor. Call me exaggerating, but Pacific Rim: Uprising is a nightmare of a film, it's the last thing any fan should want of a property: Taking everything great a franchise has established, strip it down it's bare assets, then trying to sell it to dumb people. I've already said the first Pacific Rim wasn't a brilliant piece of cinema, but a lot of love went into crafting it's visuals and universe. Del Toro had a great eye for practical effects, lighting, digital composites, etc. I'm sorry Steven S. DeKnight, but he murders the franchise in every possible category: The writing is film school amateurish, the effects are below-average (lower than Transformers quality), the music is forgettable, and the universe has been shrunken down to a couple people, just like what The Last Jedi did for Star Wars. You had this mature and bad-ass world of Jaegar meets Kaiju action and you squandered it into the embarrassing cringe-inducing children's movie domain. I don't know how much hand John Boyega had in the creative process, but you can smell the cheapening all over the product. Everyone's picked apart the Jaegars moving too fast and the outfits not appearing as technically impressive, but down to the core, the writing, it's ruined. You thought Independence Day: Resurgence had lazy writing? Wait until you hear classic lines in Uprising that just reference how much better the writing was in the last movie. Want to write a great speech before the final battle? That takes too much effort. Just mention how great Idris Elba's "cancelling the apocalypse" speech was. They do this constantly in the movie, chucking, not even just random subtle call-backs, but full pieces of dialogue mentioning events in the last one. If you're not even going to bother writing your story better than garbage like Ender's Game and every other "youth training in military to stop evil force" movie, please don't insult the original by persistently referencing how much better it was. The action isn't even exciting. The physics and extremely out-of-place uses of slow-motion hinder any kind of tension or thrills. The finale in Tokyo is among one of the most underwhelming and confusing messes of editing ever. Resurgence was easy to follow at least, because it was set in the barren desert. How is it that a sequence at night in the rain, from the first movie, is easier to follow than one in daylight? And the movie just ends after they defeat the "final boss" Kaiju. No extra words to bring the characters' arcs to a close, you know, like a resolution should. It just goes from the characters getting out of their pod, having an out-of-place snowball fight, and the end credits. I almost couldn't believe it was over then. There was a brief mid-credits scene that poorly set-up future sequels that thankfully won't ever happen. It just dumbfounds me the entire cast went about putting this disaster together without one person going, "You know, shouldn't we at least get something right from the original movie?" Long-gone are the days of cool neon-aesthetic duel-outs with robots smashing ships into on another. We have the most bare-bones bullshit that's parading around as a sequel to a passion project of epic proportions. It's no wonder Del Toro isn't advertising this movie on Twitter. There's a part in the movie where they play the "Trololol" song as the Jaegars are flying away to fight. It was literally trolling it's audience.

Holy shit, this movie took the biggest quality 180-turn I've ever witnessed. About a half hour into Den of Thieves, I was ready to call it quits. Slap a 'Please stop' and a one star rating on this and walk out, but miraculously, the clusterfuck of a script climbed itself out of it's conventional and edgy teenager levels of writing. It was able to correct it's under-cooked meat and present a thrilling second and third act. I can even pin-point the minute it happened. It's when Gerard Butler is at his daughter's school, he's talking to her through the fence, but when he gets back to his car, he breaks down in tears. Seen the scenario a million times before, but from that scene on, the big heist the movie had been horribly building up to started to happen. Let me just say, the editing, deliberate lack of music, the tension, the quick camera cuts, acute attention to detail, the raw acting, is all, pardon me, really fucking good. Unlike the previous fifty minutes or so, none of the dialogue or acting felt hokey, the performances are intense, and it's mature use of weapon handling just added to the realism. It's just shocking to me, because I've seen movies like Marauders, where the entire film reeks of amateurish direction and horrible trope-y childish ideas, and the whole movie is like that. "Oh man, this thug cop who doesn't play by the rules likes to party, drink beer, smoke, and beat criminals up. He's so cool." Den of Thieves starts off in that territory, horrible, criminal levels of bad, but inverted dramatically and turned great. I want to know what happened behind-the-scenes and who wrote the first hour of the movie. Everything involving the heist and subsequent chase is great. Go see this, just show up a half hour late, you won't miss much.

This is the first movie I've ever brought a notepad with me to the theater and actively wrote stuff down. That was interesting; I will say, it made the movie go by much faster because I was more involved. I think instead of writing a proper review, I'm just going to hilariously re-write what I crudely wrote on my pad of paper.

"I got more joy out of the Mary (and the witch's flower) preview before the movie. How many seconds have I wasted watching that M&M's fake movie trailer? The wedding in this is much shorter than the one in Twilight, thank God. This is great cinematography. Why is Anna surprised by Christian owning a jet? She flew in a drone and helicopter in the first movie. There's generic action stealth music in this hijacking scene. 'It's Boobs in Boobs-land' is an actual line in this movie. 'Don't pull, they'll bite' is an actual line in this movie. This is The Room levels of bad, getting into the sex scenes quick. Generic plot with generic Danny Elfman music. Christian Grey drove all the way down to Anna's work just because of her fucking e-mail. Why no text messaging? Sitting on a couch for a conversation, such great direction. There's no plot, there's little fantasy sequences with pop music. 'Oh look, a fancy car! Oh look, a fancy house!' Horrible Anna race driving scene, pointless SUV-following sequence, Christian Grey no-have security? Wouldn't the SUV-guy find them later? Grey is a billionaire, his presence is everywhere. Going to New York to escape anonymous driver? Why? Comes back, go to fancy house for little vacation, more pointless sex and bathing scene. Anna restrains the intruder with her play handcuffs, how funny. Christian's trip to New York added nothing to the plot. Sex scenes are not earned or built up, they just happen. Another random vacation montage with soundtrack music. I feel the characters are one-dimensional on purpose so you can insert yourself in them. Embarrassing scene Anna dropping ice cream on Grey's chest with more soundtrack music, totally ignores drama from last scene. The whole movie has fake pseudo-drama, but uses it as a vehicle to sell women's fantasy sequences as a product. Who fucking cares about Anna's friend trying out dresses or getting engaged? 'Uh-oh! Anna rolled her eyes, better punish her in another sex scene with more soundtrack.' Play sad soundtrack song over news of Anna pregnant, it's forced drama. I started ironically getting into it by the end, like, 'Yay, Christian wants to have the baby now!"

There's this really silly flashback montage at the very end of the movie, using clips from the last two movies, as if we went on a journey with them or some shit. I'll admit, I'm going to miss hating on this franchise, it was a fun short-lived ride, unless they dig it back up for a spin-off.

R.I.P. The Fifty Shades Of Grey series

Clint Eastwood's
A Series Of Pointless Events

I was going to write more, but my dad summed it up pretty good with that title. One of the worst films I've seen a long time. This is Tommy Wiseau's The Room levels of bad, not exaggerating. Scenes that are so short with no purpose are all over this movie. Some scenes even mirror ones from The Room, like when they go into an ice cream shop and for four minutes, talk about random junk that have no effect on the story. There's an entire section of this movie where these jackasses just tour Rome and take selfies all over the place. Nothing matters, all the dialogue is horrible, the acting is some of the worst I have ever laid eyes on, there's baffling editing choices, inconsistencies in the editing, bland music, and POINTLESS every-day affairs.

This movie has inspired me to take a notebook with me to movies now, so I can write shit down as I watch. I'm just now remembering stuff. There's a little moment with one of the friends as a kid, he's in his room, and on the wall, is a poster for Letters of Iwo Jima, one of Clint Eastwood's movies. Reminded me of that bit in Transformers 2 with Sam in his dorm room, and there's a Bad Boys 2 poster on the wall. But beside the nitpicks, the movie fails at it's emotional structure. The real heroes suck as actors, so it's hard to take their monotone mumbling performances seriously, and a large portion of the movie just focuses on random seemingly unimportant pieces of their life. We get no look at who the terrorist is or where he comes from. I felt no threat or tension in the final scene because the terrorist just came off as an incompetent shooter, just baffling. Even in Pearl Harbor, Michael Bay chose to include scenes with the Japanese army to hype up their power-level and what they could do to an American fleet. Here, there is not a single scene with any explanation or story for the terrorist, reducing my engagement. I'm not intimidated by him, so why should I care?

Typically, I disagree with the complaint that these army movies are nothing more than propaganda commercials for recruitment, but good Christ, this movie is the dictionary definition on throwing subtlety out the window. Spencer, or whatever the hell his name is, wants to join the Air Force. Okay, cool. Does that part of the story have any effect on the train attack at the end? No? What's the point of it? There is none? It's just to promote the Air Forces and the Marines? There's really no point to it? Thanks for wasting my time. Story comes first, plot structure comes first, tension comes first, characters come above-all, and this terrorism-level disaster of a "feature film" did nothing for me at all. It's also just a shame this isn't bad enough in a funny way to be like The Room. It borders into the category so many times, but keeps slipping into the just-bad territory. How did this happen, Eastwood?

I loathe this recurring trend I'm seeing with a load of movies being put out, not just in the horror community. Studios take this engaging and expansive concept that could be fleshed out into a thought provoking and timeless archive of our culture, this Winchester story being the perfect capsule of life and death. There's plenty of interesting shit that's lightly tapped into... but like a ton of other projects of recent, we take this potentially enriching thing and throw it into the mainstream bubble. I can see the executives going, "Yes, this tale of a woman building time capsule rooms of dead people, and where they died, is cool and all... but it needs more poltergeists, jumpscares, and marketability." We're taking potential arthouse movies and slapping a studio coat of paint onto it. It's really disgusting.

In this movie, there are so many interesting conversations that are briefly explored. This woman is being told by supernatural beings (who were all killed by weapons from the company she owns), to build rooms in her mansion that capture their spirits and replicate the location where they died. That is so neat, and it amounts to barely anything. No big message at the end, no character study of this woman and the visiting doctor, who's also troubled just as much as her... really nothing. There's a lot of short scenes that go nowhere and inconsistent rules within the house. It's a generic ghost movie with a promising concept being used as the gimmick to draw suckers in like me. The synopsis is far more interesting than how it's executed.

I give credit for teed-bits of the production design, but we just had Crimson Peak and other great period piece movies, so I don't know what's the point of giving this credit for that. And for heaven's lord, I'm an apologist of egregious jump-scares, but this movie is not helping my case. I can't count how many times I wanted to walk about because of the predictable and ineffective jumps. Let's lock this movie up behind thirteen nails and forget it.

Even the poster is shit, step up your game, Netflix.

It's like two terrible hack directors, who are actually actors, saw It Comes At Night and The Strangers, then said, "Hey, let's remake The Strangers without understanding anything that made that movie interesting. Then let's throw in the ending from It Comes At Night. People will love this!" Nothing is explored, nothing is explained, all set-up plot threads early-on are completely ignored in favor of an open ending, there are no interesting characters, the drama is extremely forced and immaturely edgy, the cinematography and editing is jarring and even laughable at quite a few points, but overall, it's a fucking bore. It's trying to be like so many other horror movies (other bad horror movies, mind you, I mentioned Paranormal Activity 3 once when watching), and even doesn't understand why those were successful. All I can tell you, is Netflix is not having a good track record with their original movies. Sure, some of you may argue about Gerald's Game, but ultimately, nothing has impressed me enough into thinking paying for a subscription to this service is worth it. The idea I enjoyed Insidious: The Last Key more from earlier this month is downright unacceptable. Avoid this house, trust me, you won't want to buy it.

This whole movie, I couldn't stop thinking about Shinji and Kaworu's sub-plot from Evangelion 3.33. There is no point to this movie. It is the most boring film involving an on-screen romance I've ever seen, and I've watched all of Fifty Shades Of Grey. While Shades is bad, it has greater production design, has a form of cohesive story-line, no matter how laughable, has a memorable soundtrack, and is actually enjoyable, in an ironic sense.. Call Me by Your Name wishes it could be this important coming of age bisexual story it props to be up from it's aesthetic and Oscar-bait attire, but all we're left with in the meat are pointless everyday scenes and sub-plots that go nowhere, characters given zero depth or personality, yes, including the two leads, locations so bland and in-effective in expanding the story's world, that scenes could be taking place anywhere, and cinematography that feels very amateurish at times. I started counting the number of times the camera forgot to put the characters in-focus after someone moves to another position on-screen. The blocking and placement of the actors is televisual and bland, there is not a single shot that sticks out to me. Sitting at a table, laying in bed, bicycling, and etc. The only shot that sticks out is the final one as the credits play, but that's only because it's held on for so long.

I'm actually having trouble finding stuff to write. The two stars give it their all, desperately scrounging up an ensemble performance that appears emotionally stirring, and I applaud their efforts. But this just does nothing for me. It's so inconsequential and pointless. There are far better gay movies out there. If that's the reason you guys are all giving this movie high scores, then I'm sorry, you're missing out on movies more worth your time. Go watch Strawberry and Chocolate, a much more entertaining and fulfilling little story. I think I'm done with gay movies. I've seen a lot in the past year and they've mostly just felt the same. This genre is really limited. I'm telling you this because I wanted you to know. Call me by your name and I'll call you by mine. Okay, I'll stop quoting obvious lines. By the way, there's a scene in the movie where he fucks an apricot. Symbolism? Maybe. Hilarious? Yes.