Starship Troopers 3: Marauder is a return to the B-movie camp of the original, but the talent’s not there to pull it off. The Bug War continues as Col. Johnny Rico is charged with a top secret mission to save a stranded crew that’s stuck on a bug world. Casper Van Dien returns and is joined by Jolene Blalock, but their performances are uneven and aren’t able to pull off the same cheesiness that made the original so fun. Additionally, the special effects are atrociously bad and drag the whole film down. While nothing is done particularly well in Starship Troopers 3: Marauder, it’s still able to provide some interesting satire that’s mildly entertaining at times.
Monotonous and dull, Cam2Cam is a rather tame B-horror film. The story follows a young woman who moves into an apartment complex in Bangkok to investigate her sister's murder, and is enticed to join an erotic website called Cam2Cam. Most of the acting’s quite bad, and the characters aren’t that interesting. The writing’s pretty piss-poor as well, and isn’t able to build any intrigue or suspense. Cam2Cam is a trite and ineffective film that doesn’t deliver any scares.
Yet another mundane and formulaic paranormal thriller, The Prophecy: Forsaken has no passion or originality. Continuing the story set up in the previous film, a church layman named Allison must protect an ancient manuscript called The Lexicon from a new faction of angels intent on using it to discover the identity of the Antichrist. Tony Todd gives a solid performance, but overall the acting’s weak and colorless. The directing is also poor, and doesn’t carry any intensity or suspense. The Prophecy: Forsaken is a generic and trite film that adds nothing to the series.
In its fourth installment, The Crow: Wicked Prayer, the series falls back into campy, B-movie territory. Based on one of the better Crow novels, the story follows a satanic group that’s on a killing spree and the Crow, who resurrects an avenger to stop them. The casting is rather poor, and includes Edward Furlong, David Boreanaz and Tara Reid; none of whom give much of a performance. However, the Crow depiction is rather interesting; as he’s a reluctant and conflicted avenger with a dark past. But the material is dragged down by the poor filmmaking. The Crow: Wicked Prayer is a messy and bizarre film that’s not very engaging.
Formulaic and contrived, The Crow: City of Angels is a deplorable piece of garbage that lacks the passion and soulfulness of the original. This time the Crow resurrects a father to avenge his and his son’s deaths at the hands of a viscous gang. The storytelling is awful, and feels like a cheap knockoff of the original. Additionally, the Gothic aesthetic is over stylized and pretentious. The Crow: City of Angels is a spectacularly awful film that has no grasp of James O’Barr’s vision.
Dark and gritty, Kiss of the Damned is a morose and uninspired vampire tale. After a femme fatale named Djuna sires a writer to be her vampire lover her sister Mimi comes to stay with them, but Mimi’s reckless ways threaten to expose the local vampire community. The story is unfocused and doesn’t follow through on the plot threads that are set up. Additionally, the acting is weak and the characters are underdeveloped. Mundane and lifeless, Kiss of the Damned is an insipid horror film that’s poorly crafted.
From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter attempts to return the series back to its roots. In this prequel, a group of outlaws and other wary travels take shelter at a shady Mexican cantina that turns out to be a vampire lair. Unfortunately this installment makes all same mistakes as the original, and then some. But, it doesn’t have any strong acting talent or witty dialog to offset the weak material. So while From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter may deliver on the gore and the action, the inept story and bland performances bring it down.
Underworld: Awakening tries to take the series in a new direction, but goes about it in the worse possible way. Without Danny McBride the writing turns to shit, as exemplified by this catastrophe. Awakening resets the story by jumping 12 years into the future and goes post-apocalyptic; setting itself after a number of Vampire & Lycan purges that have nearly eradicated both species. The storytelling here is just awful, with numerous plot holes and no character development. And Kate Beckinsale is way off her game, delivering a dull and lifeless performance. Underworld: Awakening is a terrible film that fails on every level.
Based on a video game, BloodRayne is a gory action film that’s astonishingly bad. The story follows a half-vampire named Rayne who joins a secret legion of vampire hunters in order to seek revenge on the vampire lord that raped her mother. The cast, which includes Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, and Michelle Rodriguez, deliver performances that are pathetic at best. And while the story has some intrigue to it, the gore is so comical that it distracts from the rest of the film. BloodRayne is a poorly made film that squanders all of its potential.
Making every mistake possible, The Last Exorcism Part II has none of the wit or terror of the original. Reverting to a formulaic and stereotypical horror film, the story follows Nell Sweetzer as she recovers in a halfway house following her ordeal with a cult, but the evil continues to stalk her. The switch from a documentary to a narrative doesn’t work, and Nell isn’t a strong enough character to carry the film. The Last Exorcism Part II is a massive train wreck that has no concept of what made the original so compelling.
Twenty-six new film shorts explore the macabre in ABCs of Death 2. As with the last film, 26 directors (using various styles and genres) present a series of vignettes related to death. However, they’re not as clever as before, or as daring. The majority are fairly straightforward killings, with a supernatural element here or there. Yet there are a few exceptions (such as Amateur or Ochlocracy) that take interesting turns. Still, for the most part the film’s a gratuitous exorcise in violence and gore. A pale imitation of its predecessor, ABCs of Death 2 lacks the edginess and horrific imagination of the original.
The studio clearly had no idea what they had on their hands with The Blair Witch Project, as evidenced by the atrocious sequel Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2. The found footage style is abandoned, and instead labels itself as a “re-enactment” of real events. But the story is little more than that of a stereotypical horror film, and makes little to no sense. Something is trying to be said about the reality of film, but it’s lost in the convoluted and inept storytelling. Book of Secrets: Blair Witch 2 is an uninspired piece of garbage with no scares or suspense.
Scream 3 is complete garbage, and has devolves into the very thing that the series started out mocking. Now in trilogy territory, Sidney must once again confront the Ghostface Killer when he taunts her with clues to her mother’s past as he kills off the cast of the latest “Stab” movie. Campbell, Cox, and Arquette return and are joined by Parker Posey, Patrick Dempsey, Lance Henrikson, and Jenny McCarthy. The story is abysmal, and the acting (if it can be called such) is terrible. There’s nothing clever or insightful in this film, it’s just insipid tripe. Scream 3 is a sad, pathetic sequel that bears little resemblance to the original.
A comically bad B-horror movie, Troll is incredibly bizarre. The story is unbelievably stupid, and follows a mischievous troll who disguises himself as a little girl who goes around an apartment complex transforming the tenants into trolls. Jenny Beck is surprisingly good for a child actress, but the rest of the cast is awful. And the costume designs and troll puppets are extremely cartoonish; which undercuts the horror. Troll is a cheesy, low-budget film that’s poorly made and it doesn’t deliver any scares.
The last desperate gasp of a dead series, Children of the Corn: Genesis has little to offer. The story follows a married couple that breaks down on the back roads of the California countryside and fall into the hands of a preacher who claims that his son is the vessel of a great evil. The film is extremely light on blood and gore, as there are only four principle characters. And the script really stretches to find a story, and only tangentially relates it to Gatlin and He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Children of the Corn: Genesis is an unsatisfying and lazy return to one of the longest running franchises in horror cinema.
Bereft of ideas, Children of the Corn: Revelation is a slow, boring piece of tripe with no scares. After her grandmother goes missing, Jamie stakes out her apartment and looks for clues, eventually learning that her grandmother was once part of a child cult that has been resurrected and is attempting to reclaim their home. There’s some atmosphere and suspense to Jamie’s search, but it’s ultimately pointless and the characters aren’t that interesting. But the worst part of the film is the children, who are pretty lame and aren’t the least bit frightening. A dreary and lifeless entry into the franchise, Children of the Corn: Revelation is barely a shadow of the original.
Air Strike is a blatant piece of Chinese propaganda disguised as a WWII film. The plot (if there is one) is a total mess; something to do with an airplane squadron, a truck that has to get a decoder somewhere and keeps picking up refugees, and a town that gets bombed over and over again. Bruce Willis and Adrien Brody lead the cast list but are only in a handful of scenes, awkwardly forced in. There aren’t any good performances and the English dubbing is god-awful (like comically bad). And the CGI and green screen work really sticks out. Unbearably soap opera-ish, Air Strike is good for some laughs but is an extremely poor war drama.
Straight-to-video garbage, The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning is borderline unwatchable. The “acting” is just abysmal and is painful to watch, and the writing is awful (particularly the narrations and really all the dialog). The sets and costumes look incredibly cheap and the music is as corny as all get-out. The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning has no respect for the original television series and goes out of its way to be as insulting a red-neck caricature as possible.
Sylvester Stallone returns once more to the Rambo series to deliver a gritty, ultraviolent piece of garbage. This time John Rambo finds himself in Thailand transporting a group of missionaries into Burma, but when they're captured by a military warlord Rambo joins a team of mercenaries that are sent in to rescue them. It's really a pointless story that doesn't add anything to the Rambo character. Additionally, the violence is gratuitous, with nothing exciting about any of it. Rambo is the last breath of a dead franchise that's desperately trying to remain relevant.
From Hallmark Entertainment comes The Poseidon Adventure, a rather cheap and poorly made updated adaption of Paul Gallico’s adventure novel. When a terrorist attack capsizes the S.S. Poseidon during a luxury cruise a group of passengers band together and struggle to reach the outside; meanwhile the military attempts to find the missing ship and get a rescue crew to her before she sinks. The terrorist angle is a real WTF kind of curveball that creates all kinds of problems. However, most of the other changes aren’t that bad and explore some of the characters that were left out of the Irwin Allen version. But the script is just awful and the acting is garbage (despite featuring some talented actors). Also, the digital effects and blue screen work are atrocious. Even by Hallmark TV movie standards, The Poseidon Adventure is pretty abysmal.
Happy Life Day. Worse than you could ever imagine, The Star Wars Holiday Special lives up to its reputation. Unbearable to watch, it’s just amazing how atrocious Star Wars can be in the wrong hands.
Resident Evil: Retribution is an atrociously awful piece of garbage that even zombies would find unwatchable. There really is no plot to speak of; instead it plays out as a first-person shooter video game. And the acting is god-awful...in facts it’s even worse than that. The series is completely bereft of ideas, and is running completely on empty. Offensive in how little effort it puts forth, there’s nothing engaging or thrilling about the action or the characters in Resident Evil: Retribution.
Talk about f***ing up a classic, Black Christmas is a disgrace that’s unfit to bear the name. In this reboot the residents of a sorority house, which has a bloody history, are killed off one by one during a severe snow storm. There’s no real mystery or intrigue to the plot, just senseless violence and killing. And while the cast is first rate (Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert), they’re completely wasted playing bland, stereotypical characters. Additionally, the violence is extremely gruesome and lacks any subtlety. Sadistic garbage, Black Christmas is an ugly and vulgar film.
Stoned out of his mind, Kevin Smith spins-off his View Askewniverse with the vulgar and humorless animated feature Jay & Silent Bob’s Super Groovy Cartoon Movie. Loosely based on a previous comic series written by Smith, the plot follows Jay and Silent Bob as they become the crime-fighter duo Bluntman and Chronic and take on a series of super-villains. The animation is terrible, with goofy looking character designs that are poorly integrated into the backgrounds. And, the sex comedy is out-of-control; with sex joke after sex joke after sex joke ad nauseam. An infantile and offensive piece of garbage, Jay & Silent Bob’s Super Groovy Cartoon Movie is a sad testament to how far Smith has fallen.
An avant-garde, David Lynchian film, Mandy is an incoherent mess. There’s no real story, just a vague impression of a revenge tale. Nicolas Cage leads the cast (for whatever that’s worth), but the real star is the cinematography, ‘cause the film just looks amazing; giving off a surreal, ethereal vibe. And the set designs are especially well-done. However, the pacing is excruciatingly slow and the storytelling is abysmal; requiring the audience to fill-in huge gaps as to how characters got from point A to point B and what they’re doing and why. Mandy is a visual spectacle to be sure, but it’s also incredibly boring and pointless.
Charlie’s Angels is so goddamned awful, there are no words. It’s so ridiculously bad (the plot, the acting, the effects) that it has to be seen to be believed. How a film starring Cameron Diaz, Lucy Lui, Drew Barrymore, and Bill Murray could make you want to put a gun to your head is unimaginable, but somehow McG found a way. At best, there are a few laughs to be had at how pathetically bad it all is. Exceptionally atrocious, Charlie’s Angels is all kinds of wrong in every possible way.
Horrible in every way, Seed of Chucky is an atrociously awful piece of garbage. While the meta humor and jokiness worked in the last film, here it's completely out of control. The script is incredibly lazy and makes no kind of sense at all. Worse still is Jennifer Tilly's ridiculously idiotic performance as herself. Indescribably bad, Seed of Chucky is just so damn stupid that there's no fun in any of it.
Complete garbage, Date Movie is everything that’s bad and obnoxious about spoof comedies. Rather than parody one or two main films (like the Scary Movies), over two dozen romantic comedies, including Shallow Hall, Bridget Jones, Hitch, When Harry Met Sally, Meet the Parents, Pretty Woman, The Wedding Planner, and My Best Friend’s Wedding, are put into a blender; resulting in a slapdashed, tonally inconsistent string of skits. And supplementing those are randomly thrown in sight gags and raunchy jokes that come off as incredibly desperate. Date Movie delivers a few laughs here and there, but is a total trainwreck – throwing everything it can at the wall trying to get something to stick.
Where the Buffalo Roam is a comedic drama that seems as lost and befuddled as its main character. Based on the experiences of Hunter S. Thompson, the story follows the meandering exploits of an outlaw “gonzo” journalist. Bill Murray plays the lead, but fails to make Thompson sympathetic or interesting. And the storytelling is exceptionally poor; there’s no rhyme or reason as to where and when the film jumps to, and no attempt is made to give context and meaning to the character’s journey. Where the Buffalo Roam is a chaotic mess of a film that serves no purpose.
Oh dear God, The Neverending Story III is terrible! It starts out awful and doesn’t let up. Once again the series characters are reworked to be more cartoonish and silly. Nothing works and all continuity with the previous films is forgotten. The Neverending Story started out as a fantasy epic, but this installment is a ridiculous farce.
