Insipid garbage, The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power attempts to reboot the series once again. Seemingly ignoring the last film, this installment follows the Akkadian mercenary Mathayus as he goes on a quest to find the fabled Crown of Alcaman and clear his name of the murder of the King of Norvania. The script is terrible and the characters are clichéd stereotypes. Additionally, the sets look incredibly cheap, as do the costumes. A poorly made film that doesn’t put forth any effort, The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power is horrendously bad.
Appallingly bad, The Scorpion King: Rise of a Warrior is unwatchable garbage. A prequel, the film follows a young Mathayus as he goes on a quest to the underworld to get a mystical weapon that will allow him to kill the sorcerer who murdered his father. The acting is horrendously bad; especially Karen David who chews the scenery and is annoying as all get-out. Additionally, the sets look incredibly cheap and the CGI is terrible. And, the plot couldn’t be more formulaic and clichéd. The Scorpion King: Rise of a Warrior is an abysmal film that has virtually nothing to do with the original.
Hot garbage, Christmas Bloody Christmas is a poorly made killer Santa movie from Shudder. The story follows a record store owner who’s chased by a malfunctioning animatronic robot Santa Claus that goes on a killing spree for some reason. The main characters are all pretty dislikable and extremely vulgar. And the vulgarity really hurts the film, as the excessive cursing during the casual dialog diminishes its impact during the attack scenes (which lack any intensity or suspense). Also, the gore effects are incredibly cheesy and gratuitous. Christmas Bloody Christmas is an atrociously bad film that’s neither entertaining nor scary in any way.
Unbelievably awful, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay is a wickedly bad trip. Picking up where the last film ended, Harold and Kumar take off for Amsterdam but get sent to Guantanamo Bay prison after being mistaken for terrorists. It’s a ridiculous plot that just gets more and more offensive as it goes on. The writing is just terrible, with cartoonish characters and incredibly lame, racist jokes. Massively stupid and tasteless, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay is an insulting and clichéd goofball comedy.
Unbelievably stupid, Accidental Love is an absurd piece of political satire. Jessica Biel, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Marsden, and Catherine Keener star in this ridiculous tale of a woman who seeks out her congressman in order to pass an emergency health care bill after she is impaled in the head by a nail gun and lacks the insurance needed to get the nail removed. The politics are incredibly heavy handed and undercuts the comedy. And the performances are just awful. A crazy mess, Accidental Love is a poorly made film that’s over stuffed with lame characters and bad jokes.
A bizarre and surrealist film, Prisoners of the Ghostland is incomprehensible nonsense. The plot, what little there is, surrounds a convict being sent into an apocalyptic wasteland on a mission to rescue a girl. However, there’s so many strange and fantastic elements that it’s anyone’s guess as to what’s really happening, or whether it’s all a dream or some kinds of allegory. Nicolas Cage, Sofia Boutella, and Bill Moseley lead the cast and do what they can, but with this script, there’s not much that they can do; as it’s more about symbolism and evoking an emotional response than character and story. Completely pointless, Prisoners of the Ghostland is a confusing film that’s too abstract for its own good.
Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim bring their unique style of sketch comedy to the big-screen in Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie. And, Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Zach Galifianakis all stop by to make cameos. The story follows Tim and Eric as they try to make a billion dollars renovating a broken-down mall in order to repay a movie studio after their first film flops. Unfortunately, the comedy is real hit-and-miss, and sets new levels of raunchiness. While some of characters are quite colorful and fun, they overstay their welcome. There are some incredibly hilarious moments in this film, but Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie doesn’t have the talent or the material to sustain a 90 min. film.
From Asylum comes the trashy and tasteless exploitation film Titanic 666. When a mysterious woman stows away onboard the Titanic III on its maiden voyage, she casts a spell to awaken a dark force from the deep. The plot makes no sense and doesn’t attempt to adhere whatsoever to the facts of the Titanic’s sinking and discovery. The acting is awful, the CGI is piss-poor, and the sets look cheap as all get-out (typical Asylum production). But worst of all, there’s nothing scary about the ghosts or the killings or anything else. A flaming dumpster fire, Titanic 666 lives down to every expectation, and then some.
What the f*** was that?! M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening is utter garbage from start to finish. When a mysterious virus leads people to start killing themselves, a teacher and his wife flee the city and attempt to find safety. Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel are horribly miscast and give terrible performances. But the real problem is the script, which is awful and made worse by the overly serious and preachy tone. Still, some of the imagery is quite disturbing and delivers some frightful chills. Yet the ridiculousness of the plot undoes all of that and prevents the film from gaining any momentum. Poorly made and ill-conceived, The Happening is unbelievably bad.
A cheap and tawdry exploitation film, Return to Two Moon Junction is borderline unwatchable. New York fashion model Savannah Delongpre returns to her hometown and has a steamy affair with an artist from a family that hers has had a longstanding feud with. Melinda Clarke and John Clayton Schafer are awful and have no chemistry. And the dialog is just terrible (though the performances could have something to do with that). None of the characters are all that likely, and the connections that the plot tries to make to the original are tenuous at best. Complete and utter garbage, Return to Two Moon Junction is all kinds of bad.
The most atrocious iteration of the Superman series, Steel is an abomination that everyone has since disowned. Shaquille O’Neal stars as John Henry Irons, a former U.S. Army weapons specialist who resigned after a training accident crippled his friend, but he becomes a vigilante after discovering that his weapons have found their way into the hands of L.A. street gangs. O’Neal’s acting is beyond awful, and his co-stars are just as bad. The costumes and sets look cheap and cartoonishly stupid, and the music is abysmal. Steel is an appallingly bad film that is nearly unwatchable.
In Ernest’s final adventure he takes off to be all that he can be in Ernest in the Army. Looking for a change Ernest P. Worrell joins the Army Reserve, but shortly thereafter his unit is sent to the Middle East to stop a mad tyrant who’s developed a pluton bomb. Varney is clearly phoning in his performance, and no one else seems to be putting forth much effort either. And there are very few laughs to be had (if any), as the comedy falls flat. Incredibly dull and monotonous, Ernest in the Army is one of the worst films in the series.
Just when you thought that he’d been everywhere and done everything, Ernest Goes to Africa. The series is really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one. The plot is completely convoluted and the characters are all clownshoes. The jokes are obvious and sophomoric, and Varney’s heart isn’t in any of it. Monotonous tripe, Ernest Goes to Africa is a steaming pile of elephant dung.
The adventures of Allan Quatermain continue in Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold, another cheesy Indiana Jones rip-off from Cannon Films. Upon learning that his brother, who went missing looking for Lost City of Gold, is alive, Quatermain sets out to find him. Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone return, and are joined by James Earl Jones. But the performances are all pretty bad; although, with this script and its ridiculous dialog, that was unavoidable. The comedy is incredibly cartoonish, the sets and special effects look cheap, and the music tries desperately to liven up the film with bombastic scores. Worse than the first film, Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is absolutely awful.
An incredibly cheesy knockoff of Indiana Jones, King Solomon’s Mines is a poorly made action-comedy that falls flat. Richard Chamberlain stars as adventurer Allan Quatermain, who’s hired by a young woman (played by Sharon Stone) to help her search for her father who went missing while looking for King Solomon’s fabled diamond mines. The acting is horrendous and the special effects are terrible. The only thing that the film has going for it is Jerry Goldsmith’s whimsical score (which is clearly aping the Indian Jones theme). However, it’s not the blatant ripping off of Indian Jones that makes King Solomon’s Mines so appalling…it’s that it does such an awful job at it.
Generic and uninspired, The Grudge 3 is a vapid and pointless horror film. The story follows the evil spirit of Kayako as it attempts to renew the curse in a Chicago apartment complex after having been brought there by a former curse victim. It’s a completely ridiculous plot that doesn’t make much sense. The acting is particularly bad, but not as awful as the makeup and special effects; which are the worst of the entire series. The Grudge 3 is an insultingly atrocious film that’s all tropes and no substance.
As awful as it sounds, Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure is complete garbage from start to finish. After being bitten by a chimp at work Eddie Johnson is given an all-expenses paid vacation to Hawaii for him and his family for Christmas, but things take a turn when they get stranded on a deserted island. The acting is pretty bad all around, but the script that they have to work with is so terrible that they can’t really be blamed for delivering such poor performances. Also, the sets look extremely cheap and the music is bland and lifeless. Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure is low-budget shlock that shamelessly tries to cash in on the popularity of the original.
It’s a LGBT Christmas in Netflix’s A New York Christmas Wedding. While out for a run Jennifer Oritz meets her guardian angel, who gives her a vision of what her life would’ve been like if she had perused her first love (sort of a gay version of The Family Man). The acting’s not very good, but it’s the writing that really kills the film. It sets up some interesting conflicts at the beginning but then veers off on a diatribe against the Catholic Church and its stance on gay marriage. Also, the film changes the rules of the vision at the end to mitigate any sacrifices Jennifer would have to make to get what she wants. And Jennifer is just not a compelling character. A dull and confused film, A New York Christmas Wedding doesn’t seem to know what it wants to do or where it wants to go.
Home Alone 3 steers clear of the mistakes of the previous films, and makes all new ones. While home sick during Christmas break, 8-year-old Alex Pruitt is forced to defend his neighborhood against a group of mercenaries who are tempting to steal a top secret computer chip that was smuggled in a toy that was accidentally given to Alex. Whereas 2 went too dark and violent, 3 goes too cartoonish and slapstick. Where the first film thought small, with just a pair of common burglars, 3 goes big, with a team of international terrorists. Still, there’s some cleverness in how this new, original home alone situation is set up; but it quickly devolves into garbage. The main problem with Home Alone 3 is that it’s so pacified that it doesn’t have the darkness or edginess needed to believe that these are real characters, or that this situation is dangerous.
A low-budget horror film, The Diabolical is complete garbage. The story follows a mother and her two children who live in a house that they believe is haunted, but when they attempt to leave the children get infected by something that prevents them from going outside of the house. The acting is awful and the writing is equally bad. Additionally, the special effects are piss-poor and the makeup effects for the ghosts aren’t that frightening. There is an interesting twist at the end, but it’s hardly worth the slog to get to. Incredibly monotonous and boring, The Diabolical is a rote haunted house film that doesn’t deliver any scares.
Atrocious garbage, Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D is a poorly made film that’s incredibly stupid. The story follows former spy Marissa Wilson, who comes out of retirement when an old nemesis breaks out of prison with designs on destroying the world, and along the way her step-kids join in the adventure and attempt to prove themselves worthy of being “spy kids.” With the introduction of “Spy Baby” the series goes way past jumping the shark. Jessica Alba and Ricky Gervais both give embarrassingly bad performances, and the new “spy kids” are remarkably bland. Additionally, the comedy is extremely lame, and the special effects are terrible. Borderline unwatchable, Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D is the worst film of the series by far.
A lot more infantile than the title would suggest, Mars Needs Moms delivers what it promises, and that’s not a good thing. When his mother is abducted by Martians Milo must find a way to rescue her. The story is incredibly stupid and the acting isn’t much better. Even the CG animation is atrocious; quite possibly the worst motion capture animation done so far. Mars Needs Moms is complete garbage and a waste of time.
A steaming pile of dino crap, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas is an extraordinary dumb and formulaic goofball comedy. Set as a prequel to the 1994 blockbuster, Wilma Slaghoople, the daughter of a rich family, feels trapped in her high society life and runs off to Bedrock were she meets Fred Flintstone and falls in love. Additionally, the Great Gazoo is introduced; a small green alien with superpowers who no one but Fred and Barney can see. The plot is just terrible, hitting every bad rom-com cliché and trope in the book. And the caveman jokes are incredibly lame. Also, the casting is awful; particularly Kristen Johnston as Wilma. Humorless dreck, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas is an insult to Flintstones fans everywhere.
An abomination beyond words, In Search of the Titanic is an insulting travesty of a film. After surviving the Titanic sinking Don Juan and Elizabeth, along with their mouse friend Top Connors, return to search for the ship’s wreckage on the ocean floor, but instead discover the lost city of Atlantis. Mind-bogglingly stupid doesn’t even begin to describe this garbage. And the animation is poor at best. Appalling in its audacity and tastelessness, In Search of the Titanic is utterly shameless.
An ultraviolent and vulgar dark comedy, Dog Eat Dog is an ugly mess. The story follows a group of smalltime Cleveland gangsters who try for a big score with a kidnapping, but things all fall apart. Nicolas Cage and Willem Dafoe lead the cast, but their performances aren’t very good (Dafoe is particularly horrendous). And the directing is terrible, as none of the stylistic choices work, and the sets look cheap. Additionally, the sex and violence are incredibly gratuitous and makes the film feel dirty. Complete garbage, Dog Eat Dog is a pointless waste of time.
Another Nicolas Cage abomination, 211 isn’t so much a film as a festering pile of dog sh**. While out on patrol two cops stumble upon a bank robbery in progress by a disaffected group of mercenaries from Afghanistan, and once engaged they turn the streets into a war zone. The acting is really bad, not even up to community theatre standards (and that includes Cage). And the sets and costumes are equally terrible. It’s hard to believe that a film as bad as 211 could be made in this day and age, but there it is.
What happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas, especially Leprechaun 3. In this adventure the Leprechaun heads for Sin City to wreak terror on those who come between him and his gold. The story is garbage, and seems to be made-up as it goes along. The acting is also incredibly bad, in an annoying, hard to watch kind of way. Even Warwick Davis isn’t into it, as he seems to be reading off of cue cards or riffing on his own. Extraordinarily stupid, Leprechaun 3 is an atrocious low-budget slasher.
The Leprechaun is searching for a bride in the cheesy horror-comedy Leprechaun 2. Baring no continuity to the first film, the Leprechaun (a different one from last time) emerges from an Irish tree stump in L.A. to claim his bride on St. Patty’s Day. The acting is terrible and the characters couldn’t be less interesting. The sets and the costumes look cheap, and even the gore isn’t done very well. No one involved with Leprechaun 2 seems to be putting forth much effort, and it shows.
One of the worst things ever committed to film, Ewoks: The Battle for Endor is an atrocity that set the Star Wars franchise back over a decade. Completely trashing everything done in the first Ewok film, Cindel’s family is killed off, leaving her an orphan who’s then taken in by an old hermit; meanwhile a warlord imprisons the Ewoks and chases after Cindel. The plot is just ridiculously stupid, and gets worse and worse as it goes on. The costumes and makeup effects are hideous, and the sets look incredibly cheap. Barely up to cosplay standards, Ewoks: The Battle for Endor is unwatchable garbage.
Lindsay Lohan continues to flush her career down the toilet with the trashy, exploitation film The Canyons. Dealing with themes of sex, control, and obsession, the story follows a film producer and his girlfriend as they have sexual liaisons with others. Lohan stars opposite porn star James Deen, and they both give bland, uninteresting performances. And while stuff happens in the film, there’s no real semblance of a plot. Despite its provocative nature, The Canyons is a mundane and pointless film.
